Heartbroken by a girl with ex-boyfriend in background

[JingleBells]

A long, yet very unusual story of a hearbreak.

 

We are both in our late 20's. We felt the spark right from the first minute of our first online conversation. Every single message of her made me smile or laugh, she had the same feeling. Her sense of humor perfectly matched mine.

 

Fastforward 1 week later - we had already had few amazing dates, we could speak and flirt for hours, chemistry was overhelming, wells of conversation topics never runing dry. By that time I already revealed the secrets of my life to her and felt completely comfortable about that, she was a great listener.

 

After first week we went to a bar, got quite drunk, had a really hot kiss, ended up at my place. Did not have sex at night, she refused to do that even though attraction was very intense. However, in the morning it finally happened, in a wild fashion, we simply exploded all the sexual intense that accumulated during first dates. Even though she was afraid it went too fast, she said she just simply could not resist and that it was the best sex she ever had.

 

The rest few weeks were more of a movie scenario than reality. We could not get tired of each other, would just simply spend every minute of weekend together, sex was amazing. We complimented each other a lot, according to her, I was "the best lover and the most interesting person she ever had", she would compliment my intelligence, lifestyle, body. Would write sweet messages ("miss you", "I cant stop thinking of you" and "you simply drive me crazy) and videos all the time, call me. She would already talk about our future, about where should we travel for vacation in few months, how many kids we would have. I knew it is dangerous, but everything seemed simply too good to end anyway.

 

During first weeks I got to know her to my best friends and invited to our parties. Everyone liked her a lot. Everyone was happy that I have finally found a girl that I actually fell for - I am actually very picky because of getting enough attention from women. She was very attentative, curiuos about my life, gave a huge support and would counsel me when I had a bad day at work. I simply fell for her completely and showed just as much attention, preparing surprise dinners, bringing flowers etc. I imaginged her as a mother of my children. Yes, just after a month.

 

A month after our dating was when this very strange conversation happened. She suddenly started crying out of nowhere. I tried to ask what happened. She took some time to open up, just kept telling that our relationship might finish there and that there is another person in background. I was scared as f*** and could not believe hearing that, to be honest. What the hell, do you have a husband or what?

 

She told that few months ago she broke with her ex-boyfriend of 2 years (they broke for the second time already), but they have already had bought a 2 weeks exotic trip to other continent, which will take place in 2 weeks from now, during her birthday. Alright, that might seem crazy, but I actually was glad, since at first I thought she wants to break up and this message was a little bit better than that. Believe it or not, I actually had enough trust in us to think that 2 weeks with an ex cannot simply stop our amazing relationship. She was very surpised and glad about my reaction. She promised that everything between them has finished FOR SURE, she is the dumper, they have blocked each other in social media and never speak. However, it is simply too late to cancel the trip.

 

Few days later was when I started actually thinking - why didn't she offer me to buy-off the tickets? Do they plan to sleep in same room, same bed? Is she going to tell him about me? All of her answers seemed suspiciuos and not entirely honest, she was unwilling to change anything in her trip. During those two weeks that we were still as passionate as before, she called me "love" in front of some of her friends, we were still planning our future after the trip, but the trust in her started to drop and I felt that she is not telling the whole truth. Day before the trip we both confessed how much are we waiting for the trip to finish so we could get back together, but we also had some big fights since I really felt her being flaky. Her ex actually slept a night before trip at her place and her motive was that the flight is early and he has nowhere else to stay. Anyway, the last moments of goodbye were very nice.

 

Day one of the trip was when her communication with me changed. Shorter texts, less emoticons and pictures. She would still send kisses and "miss you" messages, but you could feel it's rather formal (without efforts made) or sometimes she would just ignore my texts after seeing it. Yes, the internet in that country is really bad, she is busy traveling, but she was still online time to time and it would not effect content of messages.

 

I started going crazy. It was one of the hardest 2 weeks in my life. I could not sleep, could not work, could not eat. Lost lot of weight, could not do sports anymore. When I told her that, her responses were like "I understand you, but please don't go crazy", "let's wait for the summer and we will travel together", "I really wish you were here with me". She would never call. I did once, but she was also formal and quite in a hurry to finish conversation. After a week I simply cut the contact, because could not hear any more of this formal BS. Few days later she came back with "I am thinking about you every minute, miss you very much". Yeah sure, I did not write back. Few days later she sends a cute dog picture. That's when we had a longer conversation finally. She turned back to old SHE. Was laughing at my jokes, telling she misses me, counseling me about work etc. However, I acted very carefully and did not show much of the feelings. After one of the messages she simply got angry about my coldness, ignored me for whole day and finally deleted me from FB friends... what??? Long text by me about my feelings and she is back, keeping me wondering about her actions though.

 

Fast forward to the end of trip - instead of instantly meeting me, she actually goes back to hometown for weekend (her ex is from hometown btw). On one of the evenings she simply goes missing once again (which is untypical) and does not write me back. In the morning I write her a message telling that enough is enough, I am tired of this and simply ask if she is back with her ex? She starts appologizing, telling that she just had a fun evening with her friend (girl) without phone and if she could turn back time she would have never traveled - the holidays were very stressful and tiring because of ex being around, they had many fights and he simply irritates her and they are definately not back together.

 

I decided to meet her in the evening. She did not actually bring me holidays gifts, which already looked a little suspiciuos. However, the spark comes back again, we kiss, she says it made her feel dizzy and special, noone else makes her feel like that Next evening we have good sex as always, things seem to be coming back, communication becomes more intense. However, I feel that she is still colder than before. Messages are not the same as before trip, she refuses to make long-term (few days or more) plans. A week after the trip, we have this amazing romantic evening at my home, dancing and talking, but still she brags about her plans for future which do not actually include me at all (for example holidays with her male friends). In the morning I sit her down and tell - I am tired and either we have to stop this, remain friends with benefits as it seems to be or we start getting serious and plan our future together more than two days ahead. Gave her few days to think. I know it was not the best timing, but I simply could not live with it anymore.

 

Few days later she comes back with a text message "I am very thankful for all our precious moments. I still have the same feelings as before and did not actually doubt our future, but your monologue pushed to give a second thought about our relationship - we are simply too diffeent. In short-term the love can save the world, but I know that in the long-term our differences might bring many fights and tears. You need everything simple right from the start and I need freedom". Isn't letting you go for 2 weeks with an ex - the highest level of freedom? That's it, I tell it's a pity that she has done it through messages, wrote a nice goodbye message thanking her for nice moments and cut the contact with a huge heartache.

 

She gave me the happiest 1,5 month and later gave me the most stressful 1 month of my life. That is the moment when I sit and think - what the hell was that. I actually thought I met a love of my life. A perfect woman. Finally, after all those years. Even though there were so many red flags, how come such a passionate relationship can turn so bad? What if there was no trip? What the hell happened between her and ex? Were I a rebound or was she a commitment-phobe? Did I do something wrong? These are the questions that actually currently bug me for nights and days. Still no sleep, no eat.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know that you were a rebound so much as a diversion. If there was no trip then maybe you would have been a rebound because she wasn't fully over the EX

 

You said that a week in you already revealed all the secrets of your life to her. I cringed when I read that. Don't do that in the future with a new person. Hold something back. Keep a little mystery & wait for somebody to earn your trust which takes 6 months to a year, not a week.

 

The minute you learned about this birthday trip with the EX you needed to realize that your relationship with her was toast. Sane people with proper boundaries do not go on vacation with their EXs. The eat the costs & move on. Actually responsible people buy cancel for any reason trip insurance & get their money back.

 

I'm sorry she did this to you but the take away is what starts out so fast & hot, burns out just as quickly. If you want to build a solid long term relationship, you have to go slow, not necessarily physically but definitely emotionally.

[CantTakeMySmile]

By her not offering you to go on the trip told you all you needed to know. Sticking around after that was a huge risk.

[Young mind]

Although now isn't the time for blame games, you did naively play the wrong card here, you told her to go with her ex, in the hope or believe that she loved you so much and she will go there shut him down and come running back to you.

 

Partly , you know what's going on here, you were a rebound for her , unfortunately, after LTRs everyone needs to heal, the person doing the dumping is just the stronger in the power game/ego, ultimately, everyone must self evaluate and heal.

 

No statistics to back up my claim but if there was love for 2 years, it takes a few encounters to rejuvenate, and 1.5 mo can't really erase that. She must have enjoyed your company and will pass you for someone she can date but if you want any chance, don't play the guilty party or gams, walk away and let time do it's job

[NopeNah]

Yeah.. I would have ended it as soon as she told me she was still going on the trip with her ex. Two week vacation,with an ex that knows EVERYTHING about her..That's countdown to sex! I'd bet they had sex the night before leaving when he stayed at her place. You were a placeholder,my friend. When a person says "they broke up with their ex" there's only a 35%(I made that statistic up) chance of that being true. Noone comes out and says.."oh he/she dumped me because of ect.." That'd be dating/relationship suicide.

[JingleBells]

Thank you all for the answers and input.

 

I would not like to speculate if there was sex between them, I will never know and do not want to know, all the speculations might only make me feel worse. And I would actually tell girls, which of my ex'es dumped me or which ones were dumped by me. It is a natural thing and that happens to everyone.

 

Yep, I actually was thinking "what the hell, this story is so f***** up, how naive were you actually?" just while writing this post.

 

I got simply blinded by the intensity of feelings. She actually went to dates before me, as she told, however, she picked me, I thought. I just thought "from what I have been told and saw, I am such much better than her ex, he has no chances". Well, maybe he has no chances, but I probably had very small chances from the beggining as well. Perhaps, if I withdrawed in very early stages, there might have been something between us in few months or years.

 

The worst thing is that it will be very hard to fall for any other girl for a long long time ahead, since the expectations for chemistry and matching up are high in the sky after this whole story.

Edited February 22, 2018 by JingleBells

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you were the rebound.

 

As you know now, standing idly by while she went on holiday with her ex was a foolish move. You should have ended it when she told her of this plan.

 

Remember that great chemistry is only part of the equation, and in this case, it blinded you to the reality of this situation Behind that initial thrill was a girl who missed her ex-boyfriend. You can find good chemistry again, and hopefully next time it will be with someone who doesn't have an ex on her mind.

[Mac0908]

Wow, and I thought my situation was bad. I feel for you man. Few things here, some might be hard for you to accept:

 

1- As amazing of a time as you guys had, and believe me I know the feeling, you were a rebound. That's not saying she didn't have real feelings for you, bc she did to an extent, but you were still a a rebound. She was not over the ex. No person in their right mind goes on a two week international trip with an ex they are done with.

 

2- They had sex that entire trip. Let's not be naïve.

 

3- When she came back and things started picking up again yet she was acting different in some ways, this was just her confusion/feelings for the ex coming through. She knew she couldn't fully commit to you. You can say your talk to her was a mistake or bad timing, but it really doesn't matter as this girl is in NO condition to give you what you want (and deserve).

 

My advice right now? Take it from someone who JUST went through the same exact thing you did as you're aware of. Understand you did NOTHING wrong. AT ALL. Understand you are an amazing guy with a lot to offer and while this is a horrible situation, there will be someone else out there one day, hopefully sooner than later, that will see that for all it is, without any kind of strong emotional connection to an ex, or in this case, is still messing around with an ex. You must go 1000% no contact with this woman. If its meant to be she'll reach back out one day but I can tell you it won't be anytime soon. In the meantime you MUST move on as if it's over. Harsh reality, but its the truth.