Lazer77 Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 I never noticed this until someone mentioned it to me, but it seems very true. This one girl i used to date, she had a very tough childhood. Now today shes still struggling a little bit, but she is doing much better. I used to go out with her and it lasted 3-4 months, and i treated her really well. I noticed this among other relationships too. Do you think girls with troubled childhoods have troubles falling in love with nice guys, so they go to the bad guys?
alphamale Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Originally posted by Lazer77 Do you think girls with troubled childhoods have troubles falling in love with nice guys, so they go to the bad guys? women, regardless of age, who are used to being treated badly will get bored very quickly by a "nice guy". They do not trust nice guys and don't believe that someone can be nice to them. To keep these women around for the long term you have to sometimes treat them nice and sometimes treat them badly. That's life, I guess.
morrigan Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Neither my sister nor I ever been involved in an abusive relationship. I enjoy dating nice, laid back men (like my current boyfriend) who don't treat people like Pavlov experiments. Experiencing that kind of sh*t makes me steer clear of overly aggressive men and guys that lay on the charm. I have known other people who were abused who become involved with an abusive person, they don't initially recognize the other person's manipulations and when they finally do, their low self esteem keeps them clinging to the rare good times with them. Some believe that intense possessiveness or anger is a sign that someone truly loves you. There's self loathing and the feeling that this is how things work, and you can't expect or deserve a relationship where you are treated with respect. If anything, I'm overly cautious and I take a lot of time to get to know someone before I make any kind of commitment. I just don't think you can glean a person's character after knowing them four months and suddenly be madly in love with them. Many abusers seem like regular, normal people in public, and have everyone but their family conned.
Mz. Pixie Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Only speaking for myself but I actually WANT a nice guy. I had enough drama growing up as a child and teenager. I don't want someone who treats me badly!
alphamale Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Only speaking for myself but I actually WANT a nice guy. Yes, a lot of women say they want a "nice guy". But when they are confronted with dating the nice guy many times they run the other way. i know soooooo many genuine nice guys that women don't want or are not interested in. It is sad, really it is
elijahBailey Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 "bad guys" is too general a term. Women usually fall for the guys that they can't string around. For those that they can, these guys will fall into the 'friends' category. It's all pretty subtle, I think, to the extent that the selection process is all done unconsciously. Sorry, I also think it's got little to do with being abused.... It's innate in a woman to want men who can dominate them ( even though they're never ever gonna admit it ).
alphamale Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 "bad guys" is too general a term. Women usually fall for the guys that they can't string around. For those that they can, these guys will fall into the 'friends' category. It's all pretty subtle, I think, to the extent that the selection process is all done unconsciously. Sorry, I also think it's got little to do with being abused.... It's innate in a woman to want men who can dominate them ( even though they're never ever gonna admit it ). I would agree 110%
Dean3922 Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 "bad guys" is too general a term. Women usually fall for the guys that they can't string around. For those that they can, these guys will fall into the 'friends' category. It's all pretty subtle, I think, to the extent that the selection process is all done unconsciously. Sorry, I also think it's got little to do with being abused.... It's innate in a woman to want men who can dominate them ( even though they're never ever gonna admit it ). Very true EB. Women will never admit that they want a guy that is a challenge and not a push over. Goes back to the cave women thing that they want a provider. Someone who will take care of them and father their children. They do not want someone who is weak or they think they will have to take care of and provide for.
alphamale Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Very true EB. Women will never admit that they want a guy that is a challenge and not a push over. . I don't agree with this stmt at all DEAN3922....i've had a # of women tell me they love a challenge and a dominant man who is hard to get.
Horse Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 I used to listen to "love lines" while I did my homework (mostly drawing). They (and eventually I) could alway tell when a woman had been abused as a child. The ones who were almost always ended up with abusive men. When they met guys who treated them well (not even "nice" guys) they said they were boring, or they did things to sabotage the relationship (like cheating). The girls who were not abused or abandoned did not call with these problems. Guys who were abused as kids usually end up being abusers too. I think there is a big difference between a normal woman who wants an assertive guy who acts a like a stereotypical alpha male (dominate, stubborn, a littlle childish) and a woman who was abused and somehow only "ends up" with abusers.
alphamale Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 I think there is a big difference between a normal woman who wants an assertive guy who acts a like a stereotypical alpha male .
Mz. Pixie Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Maybe some women are like that, but not me......... Your problem Alpha is that you're running into the wrong women........
Author Lazer77 Posted August 29, 2005 Author Posted August 29, 2005 Aha, you guys made some good points. See i used to date this girl for maybe 3-4 months back around the same time last year, and we got along great. Sometimes she acted like something is wrong though. So we broke up. I talk to her mom online (long story, but she is on AIM because she works at home), and she said that even the girl said that i was one of her only boyfriends that treated her right, but she never mentioned anything about getting back together. So its basically a lose-lose situation.
shalae204 Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Very true EB. Women will never admit that they want a guy that is a challenge and not a push over... ...They do not want someone who is weak or they think they will have to take care of and provide for. Very very true Dean...and i know that not a lot of people know this but there are nice guys out there who are not push-overs
elijahBailey Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 ...and i know that not a lot of people know this but there are nice guys out there who are not push-overs very very true too shalae. The thing here is that you can be "nice" but not in the typical "nice guy" fashion. You are nice for as long as the girl is "nice" back. The moment she starts to play, or string you along, or takes you for a ride..... whatever..... you walk. That earns the respect of women. And, when you have their respect, they usually come back and treat you differently.
Mz. Pixie Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 People read too much into things like this. No offense but most of the time, people just don't want to accept that the person just didn't really like them all that much- there was no chemistry or whatever so they want to make up excuses like to help protect their feelings. Everyone wants something different. Just because she might not have been into you doesn't mean that she doesn't want a nice guy or might not end up with one- or whatever- it just might not be YOU. People should really accept it as that is the other person's loss when someone breaks up with them and not spend so much time pondering why and making excuses for that person.
Author Lazer77 Posted August 30, 2005 Author Posted August 30, 2005 Nah, i dont think thats the thing in this case. I am not saying it as an excuse to cover up my feelings, i know i still love her and i still have a shot. Just even she told a few people that i was her one boyfriend that treated her nicely.
Woggle Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 My current girlfriend has a great relationship with her father and that is a good sign. I am thorugh with dating mental cases. I sympathize with people that have been abused because I was abused myself but I am not going to let somebody who doesn't want to get help drag me down with them.
New_Wife Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Oh Dear Lord help me, I agree with Woggle. I think that unless an abused child actively seeks a buttload of counseling for it, there really isn't a lot of healthy knowledge he/she can pull from in selecting a partner. The devil you know - as opposed to the one you don't. I was one of those abused kids. I'm also bipolar and a recovering addict. I tell you what, if ever there was a candidate for headcase poster-child, I could've been it for a great many years. Luckily, I banged my little head against enough walls to realize it hurt, and got hooked up with some counseling and the proper chemicals to even me out. I'm married to a wonderful man who treats me & my little ones very well. But he's someone I would've found quite boring in my early 20's, when I equated "excitement" with "drama." These days, excitement involves a new house project, a vacation, or date night followed by some raunchy sex.
NewLee40 Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 I don't think so much it is a matter of girls wanting bad boys or not being willing to accept a nice guy into their lives. Maybe that is the issue for SOME people, but its too general to say it is a rule. Lots of people describe themselves as "nice guys" or "nice girls" but what does that mean? That being nice means you are perfect? That being nice means you are a good catch? There's so much more to it than that. Its gotta be nice and a whole lot more than that. Nice isn't enough. Its just a good sign. I married a man who seemed very nice. After all, he was a preacher, for goodness sake. Everyone loved him, including me. Who in the world would have thought that he would have turned out to be a wife beating, pathological liar? Not me. Not my family, not anyone else. But, I guarantee you, he's going around whining that nice guys finish last and claiming to be one of them. Since then, I've dated lots of guys. Most all of them rejected me for one reason or another. Some of the rejections hurt, some of them were no big deal because no love was lost on my end either. The one guy I rejected myself was nice...but he also had no ambition, he wanted a mother, and he could barely take care of himself. In fact, I really TRIED to love him because he was so nice, intelligent, and I found him attractive enough. But, he didn't have sense enough to iron his clothes for a job interview, and he was extremely needy. There were other unattractive aspects, like controlling behavior and clinginess that really squicked me. But, he's going around saying...oh, why can't a nice guy like me find a decent girl? And since I confided in him the darker relationships I've had, he's probably also making this incorrect attrribution that I can only be attracted to jerks. I really believe I would be happy with a nice, decent, well rounded fellow. I am not attracted to bad boys or liars, but they sure are attracted to me. I tend to find out a little too late unfortunately. Often the guys we supposed "bad boy" addicts get involved with come across as super super nice in the beginning. They are really good at appearing to be the whole package. By the time we realize we are in the soup, we are already half cooked. I"m working on that part...seeing it sooner.
nosybear819 Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 I don't think so much it is a matter of girls wanting bad boys or not being willing to accept a nice guy into their lives.... Lots of people describe themselves as "nice guys" or "nice girls" but what does that mean? That being nice means you are perfect? That being nice means you are a good catch? There's so much more to it than that. Its gotta be nice and a whole lot more than that. Nice isn't enough. Its just a good sign. NEWLEE!! You said it girl!! There are so many "nice guys" who are absolute a**holes because they have probably been called that so much that they embrace the term and are able to get away with a lot of things. These "nice guys" prob do horrible things but the girl they're dating prob makes excuses for him like " yeah the other day john was completely rude to me at dinner but he's usually such a nice guy maybe he was just having a bad day" Does that make sense to anyone or is it all in my head?
Author Lazer77 Posted September 1, 2005 Author Posted September 1, 2005 I mean in general, i dont mean for excuses, i mean naturally. Like last night i was talking to my ex on AIM, and she said "Why are all of my boyfriends jerks", and she named her past few boyfriends except me, and said that i was one of the only ones who treated her well. Im not talking about their "cover", i mean if they really are a nice guy or a mean guy.
zoey15 Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Maybe this is true. I'd like to think otherwise, but for some reason this may be true. The reason I say this is because I was abused as a child. My dad used to hit me and my siblings all the time. He would hit us for not cutting our eggs the way he showed us. He never hit my mom, but he sure did take his anger out on us. I love my father w/ all my heart, but I know it has to affect the way I choose men now as a woman. I think us women who were abused, want a nice man. We want it so bad. We wonder where they are and why don't I have one.... But when we're in the situation, we get bored. Why isn't he bugged with me when I brag about this guy hitting on me, or if an argument doesn't pop up on a reagular basis... Do you follow me? I know for a fact I want harmony in my relationships, but I still find myself attracted to that one man that is overly jealous, or the one that jokes about him being the dominator in the realtionship. I mean when I think about it. My father and I fought every single day, from 12yrs to 17yrs. Once in a great while we'd have harmony. I even struck back at him when he tried hitting me. That's not good! You know what, I think if you feel like she's loosing interest in you because you're so nice, maybe talk to her about it. She may just need to talk about some problems from her past. Don't just give up on her. Because if you don't communicate with her about this, you may lose her and years later you could both find yourselves regretting it. Give it a try, talk to her. It can't hurt. If she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about it, ask her to see a therapist. Go w/ her. If you love her, be there for her because we all want a good man!!!!!!!
elijahBailey Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 I think us women who were abused, want a nice man. We want it so bad. We wonder where they are and why don't I have one.... But when we're in the situation, we get bored. Why isn't he bugged with me when I brag about this guy hitting on me, or if an argument doesn't pop up on a reagular basis... Do you follow me? I know for a fact I want harmony in my relationships, but I still find myself attracted to that one man that is overly jealous, or the one that jokes about him being the dominator in the realtionship. I hear you, girl. But, I'm sorry I don't think it's got anything to do with the way you were brought up. From what I've seen, women just do not want to be the one who dominates in a relationship. If she's not seen as his "property" (which also means that he doesn't get jealous at all), she just doesn't feel like she's in a relationship at all. It's just the way we're all wired. Try getting a "nice" guy and you'll find out pretty soon that things just doesn't add up.
Baz Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 People will naturally default to a relationship that they are familiar with and can relate to. Therefore it doesn't mean that they prefer being in an abusive or difficult relationship its just that they identify with it and can therefore relate accordingly. Stable, well balanced people will in most cases be best matched to stable, well balanced people. Emotionally unstable people will not know how the hell to relate to these people. However, as we know mis-matches happen all the time. They either end in disaster or both parties stay together and suffer each other. Narcissists are dangerous because they reflect peoples characters in order to have a relationship with them. The problem is that they cant keep the charade going for very long before the real person appears and most times they are monsters. Now, sometimes mis-matches work well - but I haven't got an answer for that!
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