GF blocks my number when she's mad

[normal person]

F#@K!!! She's ignoring me again!

2 days of no responses to my texts or calls.

 

Good. She's doing you a favor.

 

This feels insane to me.

 

What's more insane is the fact that you tolerate this and simply don't break up with her.

 

It was stupid of me to brush off her feelings like that and I've apologized 100 times since it happened.

 

It's stupider to even consider continuing to speak to her.

 

It doesnt make sense to shut down communication.

 

Nothing about your relationship to her makes sense.

 

I feel like we could have resolved it with another phone call.

 

But you can't because she's literally too immature to answer a phone call. Yet for some reason, you still don't see this as enough of a reason to break up with her.

 

I've probably sent 50+ text messages apologizing.

 

Do you think she respects you at all at this point?

 

I'm insane I know.

 

So why don't you do something about it instead of perpetuating this horrific cycle?

 

I just want to fix it before she does something stupid like get drunk and go out with another guy because she was upset (which she's done before).

 

So why didn't you break up with her, and why do you want to fix it? It's awful.

 

I hate my life when things get like this.

 

So stop letting them get like this. Start by breaking up with your hellacious girlfriend immediately. Jesus. This sounds like a horror story. It's painful to read. For the love of God, break up with her already.

[lostanddestroyed]

..... deleted

Edited March 7, 2018 by lostanddestroyed

[fmerchant]

My ex used to do this. However, she did it to remove the temptation of messaging me when she was emotional as she knew it was pointless and not constructive. She didn't do it so I couldn't message her. She'd unblock me when she calmed down.

[littleblackheart]

Neither of you are responding well to conflicts (not just her). If she specifically asks you to stop contacting her and you contact her anyway, you are trespassing on the clearly defined boundaries she has set.

 

This sounds volatile on both ends. It looks like you are looking for sympathy but seriously, unless we have a full transcript of these continuous fights, there is no way of knowing where the issue is. Sometimes it's just best to step away from the conflict without another word said - it'd be like stepping outside for a bit of fresh air when you argue in person.

 

How often do you see each other in the flesh?

[OldSoulB]

Why don't people ask what the full story is? Maybe the topic creator always says super mean things to her, which is why she blocks him.

 

You guys can't give advice and tell him to leave her etc. when we don't even know the events that transpired.

[normal person]

Why don't people ask what the full story is? Maybe the topic creator always says super mean things to her, which is why she blocks him.

 

In which case, my advice would be for her to break up with him.

 

You guys can't give advice and tell him to leave her etc. when we don't even know the events that transpired.

 

We can only know what the OP shares. Either way, if it's as the OP describes, they shouldn't be together one way or another, regardless of who, if anyone even, is at fault. It's not healthy any way you spin it and these two people are not only incapable of even functioning and communicating like mature adults, they're actively detrimental to each others' lives. It doesn't matter who did or said what to who, they shouldn't be together.

[lostanddestroyed]

Well we've had our ups and down.

I never say anything outright insulting (ok I've said **** you when I lose my head). I rarely curse at her and certainly have never told her she's sh*t or pathetic or a loser or disgusting... or a sad excuse of a man... words she uses frequently to me.

 

This rage is usually triggered by me not giving her reassurance or not acknowledging her feelings. I'm trying to get better at it, but sometimes I miss the mark. The reason why she ignored me for 2 days recently is that she said something about how the distance between A and B was far (between where I am thinking about moving and the distance that would be between us which was a couple miles - she wanted to be walking distance). Stupidly, instead of asking how she feels about the distance, I outright squashed her opinion by saying "It's not far". That was it. She was hurt that I "belittled" her feelings about the distance and how horrible and selfish I am that I don't take her feelings into consideration and she didn't respond to me for 2 days.

 

To be fair, I miss the mark a lot with reassuring her and de-escalating situations. So over time, her sensitivity has gone up and her pacients has run dry.

 

The thing is, sex is incredible for both of us. Still. 3 years later. We can't keep our hands off eachother. But things blow up so easily and she frequently wants to strangle me.

 

Anyway. I just feel bad I drive her mad sometimes. If I could see that she needs reassurance leading up to outbursts I would give it to her. I'm just blind to it when it happens. And by the time I realize what's happened she's already lost her head.

Edited March 9, 2018 by lostanddestroyed

[Downtown]

This rage is usually triggered by me not giving her reassurance or not acknowledging her feelings... trash talking me... things blow up so easily and she frequently wants to strangle me.

L&D, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., emotional instability, verbal abuse, triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, frequent breakups, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I not suggesting that your GF necessarily has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person exhibiting moderate to strong BPD behaviors (i.e., on the upper third of the BPD spectrum.)

 

If I could see that she needs reassurance leading up to outbursts I would give it to her.

L&D, you're describing a woman who -- like a young child -- is too immature to regulate her own emotions. This lack of ability to self-regulate is why children and BPDers are so volatile and emotionally unstable. And this is why they need a stable, mature adult to help calm them and give them reassurance.

 

Significantly, of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one having "unstable" as a defining symptom. Indeed, most of the 9 BPD symptoms describe behavior that is unstable or arises from an inability to control emotions.

 

So over time, her sensitivity has gone up and her patience has run dry.

If she is a BPDer in her early 30's, her behavior likely will get worse unless she works hard -- for several years at least -- to acquire the missing emotional skills in therapy. As the years go by, a BPDer typically becomes more fearful of abandonment as she sees her body aging -- and increasingly resentful of your inability to make her happy (an impossible task).

 

Sometimes we get in a fight and she blocks me for an hour, sometimes days, up to 3 days is the longest.

BPD temper tantrums typically last only a few hours and the cold withdrawals and icy attitude can last several days. Interestingly, when the temper tantrum ends, a BPDer can flip back to loving you in only ten seconds.

 

This push-away/pull-back cycle is a hallmark of BPDer relationships. They therefore are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good.

 

About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

It therefore is common for a BPDer to be raging for hours and then, in less than a minute, flip to wanting to jump into bed with you. She will be puzzled by your inability to do the same and likely will complain that you are always holding grudges for days.

 

A BPDer's ability to rapidly flip between hating and loving you arises from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, she is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

Her subconscious solves this problem by "splitting off" the strong conflicting feeling (e.g., love), putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This way, she only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away). This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

 

The thing is, sex is incredible for both of us. Still. 3 years later.

Like nearly every other adult, a BPDer craves intimacy. Yet, because she is so emotionally immature and has a weak self identity, she cannot tolerate intimacy for very long. It causes her to start feeling controlled and suffocated by you. She may even get an uncomfortable feeling that she is somehow losing her own self identity by melding into your strong personality.

 

This is why, following a very intimate evening or in the middle of a great vacation, BPDers often will push their partners away by creating arguments over nothing. And this is why, if your W really is a BPDer, you will notice that the very WORST arguments usually occur immediately after (or during) the very BEST of times.

 

She agreed not to do it anymore...she blocked me the next day.

Like a young child, a BPDer's perception of you is dictated by the intense feeling she's experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. When that feeling changes, her perception of your relationships changes drastically.

 

Hence, although she likely will recall what you agreed to, she will now perceive it as an agreement you forced her into under duress, i.e., an agreement that doesn't count because there was nothing fair about it. With BPDers, this "revised recollection" is so common that their abused partners have given it a name: "rewriting history."

 

She was hurt that I "belittled" her feelings about the distance.

A BPDer is so thin-skinned and hyper-vigilant that you never know what minor comment or action will trigger her hurt and rage. Hence, if your GF is a BPDer, you oftentimes will feel like you're walking on eggshells around her -- to avoid triggering her anger. This enabling behavior is harmful to both of you. That's why the best-selling BPD book is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

Is she crazy or what?

Perhaps so. But "crazy" is not what you're describing here. When a person is "crazy" or "psychotic," he loses touch with physical reality -- e.g., believing that the TV news announcer is speaking to him personally. In contrast, BPDers see physical reality just fine. What is distorted is a BPDer's perception of your intentions and motivations.

 

The human condition is that we ALL suffer that same problem. Our perception of other peoples' motivations becomes severely distorted whenever we experience intense feelings. This is why, by the time we enter high school, most of us already realize that our judgment flies out the window when we experience strong feelings of love or anger. And this is why we try to keep our mouths shut until we have time to cool down -- and try to wait at least two years before buying the ring.

 

Well, BPDers are like that too -- only it is "times ten" with them due to their inability to regulate emotion, which results in far more intense feelings.

 

This feels insane to me.... I'm insane I know.

If you really have been dating a BPDer for 3 years, "insane" is exactly how you should be feeling. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I have been [seeing a professional counselor]. I have a session today

Smart decision! I encourage you to ask your counselor (ideally, a psychologist) for his professional opinion on what you are dealing with. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have."

 

Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, cold withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid a toxic marriage and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join Gaeta, Chilli, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, L&D.