kechara Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Hi, Friends, I was on here a year ago, shortly before and after I went NC with the MM I had been with for 6 months. For 2 months, I didn't speak to him, email him, or see him. But one day, he stopped me in the parking lot (he worked in the building next to me). He told me how much he missed me and that he was quitting the job that would make it even harder for us to be together. For the 2 months after that conversation, we tried to maintain a friendship, meeting once a week for coffee. Finally, he moved out of the house, and, under the pretext of staying somewhere else, moved in with me. Actually, I can't really say he moved in with me. Every day when he is done working, he goes home and spends time with his 2 kids and cooks dinner. Then, somewhere between 830 and 10 he shows up at my house. In November, he promised me that he was going to taper the time he spent there to prepare his W for his announcement that he wanted a divorce. In February after I broke up with him, he swore he was going to make time for me and actually plan his weekends so I wasn't left in the lurch each and every time. In March, he was going to tell her he wanted to start dating. In July, he said that he would stop staying over there (there are occasional nights- 2-3/month- where he just stays there rather than making the drive to my place). Early this month, he said he was going to ask to legalize the separation. Nothing has changed. None of these promises have been fulfilled. And last week, after one of the nights that he stayed over there, he told me (when I am hysterical the next morning) that he is thinking about moving back in there, that the logistics just aren't going to give him the freedom to move on with his life. I started to write that he doesn't like his wife, but that's not true. I think he likes her just fine. But, in typical midlife crisis-style, feels that he has no chance of fulfilling his dreams and finding happiness by staying there. He has problems with guilt and an over-developed sense of responsibility and would rather stay and go back to being miserable than make anyone unhappy or provide them with any less money than he currently does. No doubt, this is inherited from his father who finally left his mother after 40 years for the woman he'd been having an affair with for 10 years. Plus, he is the most indecisive person I know and would rather be forced into making a decision by other people, or by circumstances, or better yet, have other people make decisions for him. And now, I'm here having just celebrated my 30th birthday, wondering what the hell I am doing. I love this man. We have beautiful moments together. He challenges me, especially intellectually. He is adventurous and ready to learn. But he is giving me nothing but crumbs. And I hurt....all the time. It is getting harder and harder to hide that hurt from him. I have expressed it (esp last week) and have told him I can't deal with this much longer, and he does everything he can to convince me to hang on. He is looking for a new job so he can "afford a divorce." The problem is, I don't think he has the guts to say to his W, "I want a divorce." Ultimatums are out of the question. I wouldn't want to feel that he took some step he was otherwise unwilling to take because of me. I can't decide if it is even worth it to hang on....God, I hurt so bad today.
Art_Critic Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Originally posted by kechara The problem is, I don't think he has the guts to say to his W, "I want a divorce." It's not a matter of guts.. He doesn't want to do it .. And he won't do it .. You are being fed nothing but lines and your self esteem is suffering from his manipulation. Start trying to put yourself first and him last ..
Author kechara Posted August 27, 2005 Author Posted August 27, 2005 You're right. I spent 3 hours this afternoon crying to the only friend I have left after 2 years. I have isolated myself from everyone else because of my fear of being judged. I know I have to end things. I feel so sick thinking about it. I worry about him...he's mentioned suicide a couple of times when the pulling and pushing from both directions has gotten to be too much. What if he comes back in a month and says, "See? I have an aptmt now. I filed for divorce." It's been so long. If he had come to me six months ago with those things I might have considered taking him back. Now....I just don't know. He has dragged his feet for so long and avoided anything that would make him personally uncomfortable while constantly keeping his W and me in limbo...could I ever respect him enough to want to give him another chance? Plus, he has a history of cheating...multiple times during 19 years. AND (as if that weren't enough) he's not sure if he wants to have any more kids as both of his are teenagers and he (as he puts it) is worried that he would end up "doing his last 20 years over." What a mess. And now, I can't stop thinking about the things I will lose. Nor can I figure out how I'm going to make it through 2 more nights with him....I've got a major career event coming up on Monday and don't need to spend the day before bawling.
califlorgian Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Gosh. I wish I had some sound advice for you. But your situation sounds entirely too close to mine and I am increasingly clueless every day. He sounds so much like mine. If anything, I can definitely empathize. If you need to talk to anyone, let me know.
brubaker2004 Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 whenever i read other posts like yours i think to myself, "it is so obvious that he is not going to live up to his promises...why can't she see that?!?!?" then i remember that i am in the EXACT same situation with a MM and i keep hanging on because he is always "so close" to leaving her. he just needs to sell the house, or get his son off to college... i am having to face the fact that something will ALWAYS come up, and if he wanted to leave he woule leave. bottom line. we always think that our own MM is different from these others...but they are not.
Author kechara Posted August 29, 2005 Author Posted August 29, 2005 I couldn't wait til tonight. Get this, after all of that worrying on Saturday, he again, Saturday night, doesn't show up or call until midnight and then, can't understand why I am upset. So I held him one last time, and, Sunday morning, shortly after bringing up my hurt from the night before, I told him, "I don't want you anymore." My timing was impeccable. I said it as I was stepping out of the shower and I was dripping wet, naked. Yesterday, RELIEF. Maybe it was denial, or maybe I was just very glad to get off the emotional roller coaster. Today, I answered his call. Why? Because he had left a voice mail message yesterday bringing up some things I haven't thought of. And after spending an hour on the phone, he's got me convinced that maybe I didn't give the relationship what it needed, and maybe he was moving towards D. F! I don't know. I feel so screwed up. It's like he's arguing with me, at the same time saying he is not trying to pressure me to get back together. The only good thing right now is that I invited a friend to stay with me for the next 6 weeks...that should create somewhat of a buffer...
9Lives Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 You are going to have to leave him period. Let him do it all on his own if he is going to do it. Just go. I am a similiar situation and you have to just let go. It will hurt like hell for a while but do it. Let him come back when there is a change. No change...no love from you You will thank yourself later.
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