Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 Haha...a poke is a raw fish salad usually chopped into cubes with scallions, onions or sesame seeds and it originated in Hawaii. It’s fresh and super healthy. I do it without fish bc I do not eat animals. Great to be substituted with tofu! 2
olivetree Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Well, he just called me and said that he won't go to his friend's gallery opening tomorrow and will come here instead. I think he should have done this all along, even before the disagreement, but maybe that's just me. And yes I know he is celebrating on Friday with you too. Sounds like he feels guilty/bad for the way he's handled things. 2
snowboy91 Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 What you are saying would imply that I'd ask for him to not see his friend anymore. I do not want that. I do not want him to stop being friends with people because of me. That is ridiculous. It was about me voicing a concern/jealousy that is likely based on the fact that I do not know this girl. Also the fact that it seems like a datey thing to do. I feel he is a bit oblivious to the fact that it may look weird to me. I do hope he can see where I am coming from, but he doesn't - and that sucks. It needs another conversation face to face in the future where we can discuss this and resolve it. I do not think it is resolved, no. But i do not want him to stop seeing a friend of 10 years, definitely not. I want to meet her, tho. That is important to me, and will likely change how I feel about his interaction with her. I feel you may have hit the nail on the head here. My partner has been in your position multiple times throughout our relationship - I have a lot of female friends who I often catch up with one on one. If my partner hasn't met them, and especially if they're relatively new in my life, my GF would feel very uncomfortable and start accusing me of cheating. But if she has met the person and sees how we interact with each other, then she gets a lot more comfortable. I'll reiterate what I said in my last post - you need to meet this girl soon. Because a) you'll feel better knowing exactly how the dynamic is between her and your BF, b) your BF won't feel like he has to hide anything, and will be more upfront, thus strengthening your relationship, and c) you've made a new friend! If there is truly nothing to hide, nothing bad can come from meeting her. I definitely don't think your BF should offer to stop seeing this girl, but he should give you hard evidence that they truly are just friends. Meeting her will hopefully be the best evidence you can get.
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 I think he should have done this all along, even before the disagreement, but maybe that's just me. And yes I know he is celebrating on Friday with you too. Sounds like he feels guilty/bad for the way he's handled things. I did not expect it at all, I thought it was crystal clear he'd only see me tomorrow if I come to him, because of his other plans that same evening. He didnt even say why he didnt want to go anymore. He just said "yeah, i dont think i will be going to that thing anymore... i think i will just come to you instead". weird. 1
olivetree Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 I did not expect it at all, I thought it was crystal clear he'd only see me tomorrow if I come to him, because of his other plans that same evening. He didnt even say why he didnt want to go anymore. He just said "yeah, i dont think i will be going to that thing anymore... i think i will just come to you instead". weird. Because he knows he shouldn't be going on dates with his lady friend and he shouldn't be missing his gf's birthday. This might be his way of making it up to you.
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 I feel you may have hit the nail on the head here. My partner has been in your position multiple times throughout our relationship - I have a lot of female friends who I often catch up with one on one. If my partner hasn't met them, and especially if they're relatively new in my life, my GF would feel very uncomfortable and start accusing me of cheating. But if she has met the person and sees how we interact with each other, then she gets a lot more comfortable. I'll reiterate what I said in my last post - you need to meet this girl soon. Because a) you'll feel better knowing exactly how the dynamic is between her and your BF, b) your BF won't feel like he has to hide anything, and will be more upfront, thus strengthening your relationship, and c) you've made a new friend! If there is truly nothing to hide, nothing bad can come from meeting her. I definitely don't think your BF should offer to stop seeing this girl, but he should give you hard evidence that they truly are just friends. Meeting her will hopefully be the best evidence you can get. Yes I agree, and I think that this is the main issue for me here. I talked to my best friend and she said that she had the same problem with her boyfriend in the beginning. It is just like this in our culture: men and women are often platonic friends and do datey things together. For example movies, concerts, dinners, netflix, and all that. And my friend said she got more comfortable with her boyfriend doing stuff with his female friends once she met them and they became sort of her friends as well. I realize this may take time (to form a friendship with my boyfriend's friends). After all, this particular female friend is close with my boyfriend's ex, and I know that I am still new in the picture. BUT -- I have already met much of his family many times and we had double dates with my boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend, and I notice how I become more comfortable with everyone, slowly but surely. The only reason I have not met these two yet is because the guy is depressed and not ready to be around people... I get it... I hope he's getting better soon because I do want to meet both of them, I know that this guy is important to my boyfriend and I hope knowing this woman I will feel more comfortable with my boyfriend seeing her from time to time (heck, it's every few months - not every week). ... 1
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 Because he knows he shouldn't be going on dates with his lady friend and he shouldn't be missing his gf's birthday. This might be his way of making it up to you. You may be right. It is now my birthday here. Happy 31 to me. 6
olivetree Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Happy birthday Heaven! I hope your 31st year is your best yet 1
snowboy91 Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 I realize this may take time (to form a friendship with my boyfriend's friends). After all, this particular female friend is close with my boyfriend's ex, and I know that I am still new in the picture. ... The only reason I have not met these two yet is because the guy is depressed and not ready to be around people... This is not really different to meeting any new people though. But building a friendship obviously must start with meeting them, right? And I can't see anything wrong with just meeting her rather than both of them, and saving X for a time when he's feeling better. They are still separate people. Happy birthday by the way!
hippychick3 Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 (edited) I see where you are coming from. So you think he should have offered to me that he wont do outings like that anymore? I don't know.. It hurt my feelings, but I didn't really say it like that. I just told him I was uncomfortable and that it seemed like a date. I would never ask him to not do stuff like that with her anymore. I have told boyfriends in past relationships that I would not want them to do certain things and it did not end well (guys would start lying to me about when they did what etc). I am happy my boyfriend is always open and honest about what he is doing, I never had the feeling that he would lie to me or anything like that. And the aspect of feeling that he still loves me and is committed to me: Often times we have a little argument, i think it's the end of the relationship. I know this is worst case scenario thinking. Sometimes I do not think that, and I have my anxiety under control, but right now I am on the first day of my period and trust me, I am a VERY HORMONAL WOMAN! In the past I have been with a lot of men younger than me (early 20s), who would bail after things got a bit heated. I never actually been in a relationship where I was able to trust someone or where I felt like someone was honest with me. Now I met someone who I love as much as I never loved anyone in my life. And this person wants to be with me... and he can tell me this and show it to me all weekend... but if we have an argument the next day (when we are apart again), and he doesn't talk to me all day - I will go into my 'worst case' thinking mode. It is something I have real trouble dealing with. I know he loves me, but when I get anxious, I immediately think of past relationships where guys broke up with me when we had an argument, or where I was being lied to/cheated on/manipulated/abused. So I do project a lot on him, and I do not always voice that, but it's still inside of me and eats at me and then I have moments like tonight where I am just anxious and worried. I think my boyfriend would never lie to me or want to hurt me. That's why I am so amazed by this situation, that he just blows it off and does not talk to me all day. :/ This never really happened before in the past 8 months. If you made it clear you are uncomfortable with the situation, he should offer not to do these outings again. But, because he hasn't made that offer yet does not mean he won't. He is probably still processing what happened and not dealing with it well....which is FINE. Let him think about it if he needs to. He doesn't have to agree, only care and love you enough to make that offer for the sake of the relationship. I am not saying you need to come out and tell him "not" to go out with her. I didn't come out and tell my bf NOT to see his gorgeous friend. I just said I didn't like it and thought it was inappropriate while in a relationship with me. It was then up to him what he would do next. You have every right to express the fact you find it inappropriate without coming out and saying "don't see her again." I am like you in that I also think the "worst case scenario" when we fight...especially that time of the month! I would especially feel very anxious as well if I were not to hear from my bf for a day after a fight. But, I was married to someone who used the silent treatment with me for days after a fight. So, I couldn't tolerate anything close to that scenario ever again and chose a very different type of person this time. The longest my current bf and I have gone without talking after a fight was maybe 2 hours tops. We have minor fights probably more often than most couples, but we make up very very quickly. It does sound like you have a good relationship in every other way and I wouldn't just throw it all away over this incident and his reaction to it. However, going forward, I would expect that he respect your boundaries whether he agrees with them or not. If he is the man you think he is and the right man for you, he won't continue to go on "dates" with her or just tell you what you want to hear and lie about it. He will value you and your relationship and genuinely make that sacrifice if he needs to. Edited February 20, 2018 by hippychick3
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Happy Birthday Heaven :-) I think he knows he didn't treat you right and he is doing this to make it up to you. Let him. He didnt even say why he didnt want to go anymore. He just said "yeah, i dont think i will be going to that thing anymore... i think i will just come to you instead". weird. 1
No_Go Posted February 21, 2018 Posted February 21, 2018 I did not expect it at all, I thought it was crystal clear he'd only see me tomorrow if I come to him, because of his other plans that same evening. He didnt even say why he didnt want to go anymore. He just said "yeah, i dont think i will be going to that thing anymore... i think i will just come to you instead". weird. Happy Birthday Heaven! That's cool! I think he knows he overstepped your limits. If I were you, I won't bring this up tomorrow though - just enjoy the evening and go with the flow. If he brings it up - say you can talk over the weekend and do it then. You'd be more relaxed, so as he, it will be therefore more constructive. Plus you'd enjoy your birthday
MsJayne Posted February 21, 2018 Posted February 21, 2018 Whole thing sounds a bit odd to me. If I was at home depressed I'd be pretty peeved if my partner went ice skating with MY best friend so they could discuss ME. 4
Highndry Posted February 21, 2018 Posted February 21, 2018 Whole thing sounds a bit odd to me. If I was at home depressed I'd be pretty peeved if my partner went ice skating with MY best friend so they could discuss ME. Absolutely. I don't want to worry the OP, but this whole thing doesn't pass the sniff test, in my humble opinion.
olivetree Posted February 21, 2018 Posted February 21, 2018 (edited) whole thing sounds a bit odd to me. If i was at home depressed i'd be pretty peeved if my partner went ice skating with my best friend so they could discuss me. Exactly!!! "Honey, have fun ice skating with another man discussing my depression!" said no one ever. Honestly, their wanting to hang out could have been totally innocent. I think he used the discussing depression thing as an excuse to make it easier on you (the best friend was never told this). However, the excuse backfired, because it makes no sense with the skating. Edited February 21, 2018 by olivetree 3
Author heavenonearth Posted February 21, 2018 Author Posted February 21, 2018 Whole thing sounds a bit odd to me. If I was at home depressed I'd be pretty peeved if my partner went ice skating with MY best friend so they could discuss ME. You all seem to forget that my boyfriend is friends with both of them for 10 years. He’s trying to be there for both of them in a rough time.
olivetree Posted February 21, 2018 Posted February 21, 2018 You all seem to forget that my boyfriend is friends with both of them for 10 years. He’s trying to be there for both of them in a rough time. I don't think anyone's forgetting that. I would't want my two best female friends going out with the supposed purpose of discussing me. Honestly it would have been better if they had just said hey were going ice-skating in the first place, end of story. If they are such great friends, they don't really need a reason to hang out.
Author heavenonearth Posted February 21, 2018 Author Posted February 21, 2018 I don't think anyone's forgetting that. I would't want my two best female friends going out with the supposed purpose of discussing me. Honestly it would have been better if they had just said hey were going ice-skating in the first place, end of story. If they are such great friends, they don't really need a reason to hang out. Exactly, which makes it silly that he would pretend that they meet to talk about the difficult time she and her boyfriend are going through. He could have just said that he is meeting his friend for the sake of meeting. He never lied to me about anything so why now? Because he met her to discuss the 2hitty time she is going through with her boyfriend. That's why. She wanted to go ice skating so they went ice skating. I still don't like it but I think there is nothing I can do about it. I do not think either of them had hidden motives here tho. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to enjoy my birthday.
olivetree Posted February 21, 2018 Posted February 21, 2018 Exactly, which makes it silly that he would pretend that they meet to talk about the difficult time she and her boyfriend are going through. He could have just said that he is meeting his friend for the sake of meeting. He never lied to me about anything so why now? Because he met her to discuss the 2hitty time she is going through with her boyfriend. That's why. She wanted to go ice skating so they went ice skating. I still don't like it but I think there is nothing I can do about it. I do not think either of them had hidden motives here tho. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to enjoy my birthday. It sounds like we have come full circle. If you trust him fully then you have nothing to worry about and you should let the whole thing go. Enjoy your birthday
Gaeta Posted February 22, 2018 Posted February 22, 2018 Hello Heaven, I have been wondering about you. How was your birthday night? is everything back on track? 1
Author heavenonearth Posted February 22, 2018 Author Posted February 22, 2018 Hello Heaven, I have been wondering about you. How was your birthday night? is everything back on track? Boyfriend got the manflu now. He came over anyway. Now we are both sick. Lol.
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