I think I may be a bit jealous...

[heavenonearth]

How did he reassure you? Did he tell you he will stop taking his best friend's gf on dates?

I thought that is the thing that rubbed you wrong - him spending quality time with an attractive female.

It's also not fair blaming this forum for things progressing the way they did. Everyone took your side and nobody wants you to be played for a fool. You were the one who wasn't happy about a certain thing, it's not like people on here convinced you to not be ok with something.

 

 

I think I may look at it differently if I meet her. I also do couply things with my male best friends, I even went on vacation with him for two weeks, where we slept in the same bed sometimes - no need to be jealous, he has been my best friend for 5 years and he's just that - a friend. BUt my boyfriend knows him and they like each other, so there is not any issue with that.

 

I however have not met this girl, and that is my main issue.

 

After I meet her, I would reassess the situation and see if it still makes me uncomfortable when he hangs out with her.

 

if yes, i think there is a deeper issue.

if not, so be it.

[heavenonearth]

This is pure manipulation on his part. How exactly did you not show your trust? Did you accuse him of anything?

 

It's not a matter of 'trust' it's a matter of behaving properly and respectfully while in a relationship. My BF trust me 100% and if I wanted to go ice-skating with a male friend he would not say a word BUT, I know it's not a proper behavior to have while in a relationship so I will not impose this on my boyfriend EVEN if he trust me blindly.

 

It's movies and ice-skating, where does he draw the line? Next time they'll go to a spa together? I am sure if he went to a spa with her nothing would happen BUT is it proper behavior for a man in a relationship!

 

I definitely see where you are coming from.

And I have to admit, if he would go to a spa with this other female friend of his, which I have met, I would not have a problem with it -- because I have met her and talked with her and know her a bit now, and don't worry about her.

 

I just think I am jealous because I do not know who this girl is, what she is like, etc.

 

But I have to admit I was very accusing in my initial reaction.

[Zahara]

What you are saying would imply that I'd ask for him to not see his friend anymore. I do not want that. I do not want him to stop being friends with people because of me. That is ridiculous.

 

It was about me voicing a concern/jealousy that is likely based on the fact that I do not know this girl. Also the fact that it seems like a datey thing to do.

 

I feel he is a bit oblivious to the fact that it may look weird to me. I do hope he can see where I am coming from, but he doesn't - and that sucks. It needs another conversation face to face in the future where we can discuss this and resolve it.

 

I do not think it is resolved, no.

 

But i do not want him to stop seeing a friend of 10 years, definitely not.

 

I want to meet her, tho. That is important to me, and will likely change how I feel about his interaction with her.

 

That is not what I am implying. He can of course see his friend but going ice skating together under the pretense of having an important discussion about her boyfriend's illness would not sit well with most. His reaction to your feelings is concerning.

 

A boundary is not an ultimatum -- it's about two people communicating and coming to a compromise that keeps both partners secure in a relationship.

[heavenonearth]

That is not what I am implying. He can of course see his friend but going ice skating together under the pretense of having an important discussion about her boyfriend's illness would not sit well with most. His reaction to your feelings is concerning.

 

A boundary is not an ultimatum -- it's about two people communicating and coming to a compromise that keeps both partners secure in a relationship.

 

I don't think he sees it as a big deal. I do not know how to make him understand that this is inappropriate in my eyes - and in fact to most people.

[Gaeta]

I think I may look at it differently if I meet her. I also do couply things with my male best friends, I even went on vacation with him for two weeks, where we slept in the same bed sometimes - no need to be jealous, he has been my best friend for 5 years and he's just that - a friend. BUt my boyfriend knows him and they like each other, so there is not any issue with that.

 

Well, if that's how you both function in your relationship you are being unfair to him, he only went ice-skating with a female friend.

 

I know you guys up there are pretty liberal but that's too liberal even too liberal for this french-canadian woman :-)

[heavenonearth]

Anyway, my food arrived. I will watch a chick flick and eat this vegan poke bowl and then I will sleep. Enough Internet for the day.

 

He likely will not call anymore tonight. So I just have to wait and see if he will at least talk to me on my birthday tomorrow.

[Gaeta]

I don't think he sees it as a big deal. I do not know how to make him understand that this is inappropriate in my eyes - and in fact to most people.

 

It's not a big deal Heaven, not compared to you going away and sleeping in the same bed with a male friend. Doesn't matter you know her or not.

[Highndry]

It's not a big deal Heaven, not compared to you going away and sleeping in the same bed with a male friend. Doesn't matter you know her or not.

 

I agree. This pales in comparison to that bombshell.

[No_Go]

For the bikes - only in peak hours (at my time at least, I left 4 years ago so now it maybe different), but if you get a foldable bike - no worries:) Maybe you can tell your BF to get you one as a birthday gift;)

 

See, he hasn't done anything too bad in this particular occasion. He understands where you're coming from. Just the overall picture that you built of him makes me think he's not fully ready for a serious commitment but of course I can be wrong, you know him best.

 

Bikes on trains costs more money!

But that aside...

 

I want to clarify something:

When he told me that he went ice skating with the girl, he immediately picked up on my response, which was not a happy one, and I said "well I suppose i am a bit jealous" and he said "yeah, i figured you'd be."

and i said "why"? and he said something along those lines:

"because i know you. and i know about your abandonment anxieties and i know you were not happy when i went to the cinema with her in november. but you have nothing to worry about, she is just a friend, and i am there for her and X(his best friend) the same way they both were there for me when i was going through ****ty times. nobody can ever come between you and me, not her, not any other woman. the only people who can come between us are you and me, and i don't intend to, because i want to be with you. so i'd like it if you could just trust me and not doubt me or my love for you when i spend an evening with a female friend once every few months."

 

so he was being very sweet in our conversation but once i did drag this conversation out, he got annoyed after a while because he said he felt he's just repeating himself over and over again and it's not constructive...

 

to which i have to admit, it is indeed not constructive.

i talked with a friend about it and she said that i must accept that he will never understand me and my emotions FULLY. he will try his best to understand me all he can, because he loves me, but he will not be able to completely get my anxiety, it's something only I understand 100%.

 

so i have to admit that he does try his best to be patient with me and tries to

understand where i am coming from. but i guess there is only so much any man can understand about a woman - especially one who is dealing with anxiety, like me.

 

and maybe then it is really not about him but about the way i deal with my emotions...

 

but yeah, it's not that he completely blocked the subject, we DID talk about it for about an hour and i am sure we will again once we see each other in person, because then we are better at discussing things. i will not pester him about it tho, just try one last time for him to see it through my lens.

 

and when i told him that it would probably help me if i got to know his best friend and the girlfriend rather sooner than later, he said "they would love to meet you"...

and i know he wants to try his best to make me feel loved and comfortable...

[heavenonearth]

Well, if that's how you both function in your relationship you are being unfair to him, he only went ice-skating with a female friend.

 

I know you guys up there are pretty liberal but that's too liberal even too liberal for this french-canadian woman :-)

 

This particular vacation was before my relationship with my boyfriend, but I am just saying this is the kind of relationship I have with my best friend.

 

He does not live here anymore, moved away last summer, so i have no close male friends here at the moment.

 

But yes we are very liberal here. Dutch people in general. A lot of my Dutch girlfriends have boyfriends who have many female friends that they do one on one things with. So in this regard my boyfriend is quite unique, as he doesn't really have any female friends apart from the two I mentioned.

 

I just hope I meet her soon and that things will be different then about how I feel about them doing datey activities.

If he went ice skating with his male friend I wouldn't freak so... yeah.

[heavenonearth]

For the bikes - only in peak hours (at my time at least, I left 4 years ago so now it maybe different), but if you get a foldable bike - no worries:) Maybe you can tell your BF to get you one as a birthday gift;)

 

See, he hasn't done anything too bad in this particular occasion. He understands where you're coming from. Just the overall picture that you built of him makes me think he's not fully ready for a serious commitment but of course I can be wrong, you know him best.

 

That's an expensive gift, I will not ask for it. As far as I know he already has a gift for me

 

No, he does want a fully serious commitment, and he tells me this every time we see each other. He's crazy about me, he loves me very much, and he said he wants to never ever lose me, and wants to be with me forever.

We want a family one day and all the shabang. He just booked a vacation for us for October in Italy.. etc.

[Gaeta]

This particular vacation was before my relationship with my boyfriend, but I am just saying this is the kind of relationship I have with my best friend..

 

When people are single I don't care what they do.

 

I don't want your meal to get cold but....would you still go on this type of vacation, sleep in the same bed with your male friend, while you are dating your boyfriend?

[heavenonearth]

When people are single I don't care what they do.

 

I don't want your meal to get cold but....would you still go on this type of vacation, sleep in the same bed with your male friend, while you are dating your boyfriend?

 

I have not thought about it.

 

The thing is, I do not think my boyfriend would have a problem with it. Not with this particular friend. Any other friend, I would not.

So I cannot really say.

 

Maybe yes, maybe not.

 

But I think that if I get to go on a vacation, I'd much rather go on a vacation with my boyfriend now.

[lana-banana]

Vegan poke? That sounds delicious! What is the substitute for the ahi poke?

 

I think all the talk about potentially being disloyal and whether he's in it for the long haul detracts from the central point: he's being profoundly disrespectful. He has dismissed your feelings multiple times now. He's continued to prioritize this other girl even though you're his partner. He hasn't honored your concerns. It's not acceptable.

 

And he says he doesn't "understand"?! He doesn't need to understand anything other than you're uncomfortable; that is reason enough to modify his behavior. All of us have friends, family members or partners who feel strongly about things we don't understand at all, but we still support them because we love them. You aren't asking him to never see her again, you just said the date activities made you uncomfortable. That is about as mild a complaint as I can imagine and he made it sound like you accused him of grand larceny. You don't just have poor communication, you have almost no communication. You try to express yourself and he shrugs it off!

 

No one is perfect. We are all sometimes snippy and unkind to our partners, but the important thing is we apologize and try to make the situation right. Not only had this guy not done that, he's still casting it as essentially your fault. That gives me "a bad feeling" about your long-term future. Unless he remedies this I would start thinking about if this is really the kind of relationship you want.

[hippychick3]

Most everything has already been said. But, I will add that I would be VERY uncomfortable with my bf going on one on one outings with another attractive female. He has many female friends that he's had for years before meeting me, and I have no problem with that. But, hanging out with them one on one for more than a coffee or a bite to eat (which I don't think he's even done that) when I'm not around is not okay with me. We live 2 1/2-3 hours apart and see each other most weekends. At the beginning of the relationship probably around the same point you are at now, we had a huge argument because he said he may want to hang out during a weeknight and grab drinks with a female friend (who happens to be model gorgeous) he had known for over 10 years. In his mind, they were just friends and used to hang out all of the time even when he was dating other women. Nothing ever happened between them so what was the big deal? Although I trusted him and knew he wouldn't cheat, I was very uncomfortable with him sharing his time away from me with a beautiful woman at night. He did not understand where I was coming from (similar to your bf), BUT he respected my feelings about it and has not hung out with her. He doesn't have to agree with why I'm uncomfortable, but he has to respect my feelings about it.

 

Your bf may never understand or agree, but if he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, he will chose to not hurt you over having more "dates" with his friend.

 

One more thing... It's important to know that even when he isn't "feeling good" about things, he still loves you and is still committed to you. A good relationship should be able to weather a big fight with negative feelings. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and what you want from your relationship.

Edited February 20, 2018 by hippychick3

[heavenonearth]

Most everything has already been said. But, I will add that I would be VERY uncomfortable with my bf going on one on one outings with another attractive female. He has many female friends that he's had for years before meeting me, and I have no problem with that. But, hanging out with them one on one for more than a coffee or a bite to eat (which I don't think he's even done that) when I'm not around is not okay with me. We live 2 1/2-3 hours apart and see each other most weekends. At the beginning of the relationship probably around the same point you are at now, we had a huge argument because he said he may want to hang out during a weeknight and grab drinks with a female friend (who happens to be model gorgeous) he had known for over 10 years. In his mind, they were just friends and used to hang out all of the time even when he was dating other women. Nothing ever happened between them so what was the big deal? Although I trusted him and knew he wouldn't cheat, I was very uncomfortable with him sharing his time away from me with a beautiful woman at night. He did not understand where I was coming from (similar to your bf), BUT he respected my feelings about it and has not hung out with her. He doesn't have to agree with why I'm uncomfortable, but he has to respect my feelings about it.

 

Your bf may never understand or agree, but if he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, he will chose to not hurt you over having more "dates" with his friend.

 

One more thing... It's important to know that even when he isn't "feeling good" about things, he still loves you and is still committed to you. A good relationship should be able to weather a big fight with negative feelings. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and what you want from your relationship.

 

 

I see where you are coming from.

So you think he should have offered to me that he wont do outings like that anymore?

I don't know..

It hurt my feelings, but I didn't really say it like that.

I just told him I was uncomfortable and that it seemed like a date.

 

I would never ask him to not do stuff like that with her anymore.

I have told boyfriends in past relationships that I would not want them to do certain things and it did not end well (guys would start lying to me about when they did what etc). I am happy my boyfriend is always open and honest about what he is doing, I never had the feeling that he would lie to me or anything like that.

 

And the aspect of feeling that he still loves me and is committed to me: Often times we have a little argument, i think it's the end of the relationship. I know this is worst case scenario thinking. Sometimes I do not think that, and I have my anxiety under control, but right now I am on the first day of my period and trust me, I am a VERY HORMONAL WOMAN!

 

In the past I have been with a lot of men younger than me (early 20s), who would bail after things got a bit heated.

I never actually been in a relationship where I was able to trust someone or where I felt like someone was honest with me.

Now I met someone who I love as much as I never loved anyone in my life. And this person wants to be with me... and he can tell me this and show it to me all weekend... but if we have an argument the next day (when we are apart again), and he doesn't talk to me all day - I will go into my 'worst case' thinking mode. It is something I have real trouble dealing with.

 

I know he loves me, but when I get anxious, I immediately think of past relationships where guys broke up with me when we had an argument, or where I was being lied to/cheated on/manipulated/abused. So I do project a lot on him, and I do not always voice that, but it's still inside of me and eats at me and then I have moments like tonight where I am just anxious and worried.

 

I think my boyfriend would never lie to me or want to hurt me.

That's why I am so amazed by this situation, that he just blows it off and does not talk to me all day. :/

 

This never really happened before in the past 8 months.

[No_Go]

Heaven, I really DO hope he doesn't blow you off on your birthday This will be unacceptable even if he's sensitive/annoyed/whatever.

 

But Dutch people ARE blunt. I think people here underestimate that. Also sexuality/male-female interactions/relationships in general are perceived in vastly different way than in North America, so I think you should take a lot of the advice given with a grain of salt.

 

Having said that: I still think you your bf is still figuring himself out and that's why the passive aggressiveness. Since you love him - give him some benefit of the doubt for another 4-6 months before staring to judge on your relationship progression etc.

[Gaeta]

Your boyfriend could have asked you what would make things easier for you but that concept didn't occure to him.

[heavenonearth]

Well, he just called me and said that he won't go to his friend's gallery opening tomorrow and will come here instead.

[Interstellar]

Well, he just called me and said that he won't go to his friend's gallery opening tomorrow and will come here instead.

 

You go girl.

 

Vegan poke sounds delish. I love those ahi tuna pokes.

[Lorenza]

You go girl.

 

Vegan poke sounds delish. I love those ahi tuna pokes.

 

I'm sorry to interrupt your thread Heaven, but what is a vegan poke??? I really need to know

[smackie9]

I'll chime in and say them going out ice skating is a date. Your BF needs to be taught some boundaries here. If she needs to talk she can use the phone to communicate. Draw the line, his actions were not appropriate for someone that is in a relationship. And I'm sure his guy friend wouldn't be very happy about it either.

[heavenonearth]

I'm sorry to interrupt your thread Heaven, but what is a vegan poke??? I really need to know

 

 

How to Build a Vegan Poke Bowl - Vegan Program

 

Something like this.

 

I choose Tofu instead of fish

 

Definitely saved my night!

[heavenonearth]

I'll chime in and say them going out ice skating is a date. Your BF needs to be taught some boundaries here. If she needs to talk she can use the phone to communicate. Draw the line, his actions were not appropriate for someone that is in a relationship. And I'm sure his guy friend wouldn't be very happy about it either.

 

He was ok with it, obviously.

[Interstellar]

I'm sorry to interrupt your thread Heaven, but what is a vegan poke??? I really need to know

 

Haha...a poke is a raw fish salad usually chopped into cubes with scallions, onions or sesame seeds and it originated in Hawaii. It’s fresh and super healthy.