Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 But you do and you made it clear. Oh no, you don't need to address it. You wait until he addresses it and he better does that soon. With an apology + a solution that would appease both of you. If he doesn't - well, you have a serious reason to reconsider this relationship. Don't write it down to "nah, maybe I'm wrong and he's right". Which you're already doing by defending him over and over again from each and every poster who doesn't accept this behavior... Well I also did talk to 3 of my real life friends about this, all of them know him as well. They all three agreed that it was indeed a coupley date like thing to do, the ice skating, but they also agreed that I need to trust him and that I am overreacting with it a bit - knowing how much he loves me and that he'd never intentionally want to hurt me. Anyway, I am not ok with it, still am not, and I hope he'll understand, but I just have my doubts about it. To him it is completely normal to go ice skating with this female friend. I can't change his opinion about it. So there really is no way of addressing it.
Lorenza Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Then why this thread if none of this is his fault and he was sweet and considerate etc etc? It all turned around into you bashing yourself, I've seen that so many times and done that myself countless of times (on this forum too, lol) Anyway, if you can't stand for yourself and what you feel is right and be firm about it, no one can. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 He just called me. He didn't really want to talk about anything. He said he just got out of a ****ty meeting and was going to make dinner. He also said he doesn't really 'understand' me today and it doesn't give him a good feeling. I said, alright then, call me when you're up for it. And we said bye. Great.
lana-banana Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 (edited) He just called me. He didn't really want to talk about anything. He said he just got out of a ****ty meeting and was going to make dinner. He also said he doesn't really 'understand' me today and it doesn't give him a good feeling. I said, alright then, call me when you're up for it. And we said bye. Great. He doesn't "understand" why you're upset about this, but somehow it's your fault? The part about not having a good feeling is bizarre. He is massively overreacting to a simple request. It's totally inexplicable...unless, of course, there's something more happening besides "ice skating". Regardless, this is not good. What are you going to do about it? Edited February 20, 2018 by lana-banana
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 He doesn't "understand" why you're upset about this, but somehow it's your fault? This is...not good. What are you going to do about it? I will just leave him be for now. I won't contact him again. If he wants to be with me he can come to me. If he wants to go skating with some other girl and expects me to just accept it, then he needs to deal with the repercussions - which is me opting out. Won't have it. I am super upset right now at the way he just treated me on the phone. Not ok. 8
Interstellar Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 He just called me. He didn't really want to talk about anything. He said he just got out of a ****ty meeting and was going to make dinner. He also said he doesn't really 'understand' me today and it doesn't give him a good feeling. I said, alright then, call me when you're up for it. And we said bye. Great. He had a bad day at work. Give him space. He’ll call. 3
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 He just called me. He didn't really want to talk about anything. He said he just got out of a ****ty meeting and was going to make dinner. He also said he doesn't really 'understand' me today and it doesn't give him a good feeling. I said, alright then, call me when you're up for it. And we said bye. Great. That makes me so mad ... Like I said earlier in this thread you will discover sides of him you didn't know. After 8 months dating you're (both) starting to get your feet back on the grown from the honeymoon phase. He's starting to show his true self I am afraid. It's his way or the highway ! It doesn't give him a good feeling??? Remember what I said about him dating under *his* conditions, wanting the fun and excitement but dismissing anything that reminds him being in a relationship, you have it again. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 That makes me so mad ... Like I said earlier in this thread you will discover sides of him you didn't know. After 8 months dating you're (both) starting to get your feet back on the grown from the honeymoon phase. He's starting to show his true self I am afraid. It's his way or the highway ! It doesn't give him a good feeling??? Remember what I said about him dating under *his* conditions, wanting the fun and excitement but dismissing anything that reminds him being in a relationship, you have it again. He said he feels like I am undermining his love for me. He does not feel trusted and it makes him sad.
Zahara Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 (edited) He just called me. He didn't really want to talk about anything. He said he just got out of a ****ty meeting and was going to make dinner. He also said he doesn't really 'understand' me today and it doesn't give him a good feeling. I said, alright then, call me when you're up for it. And we said bye. Great. He's stonewalling you. His refusal to communicate and resolve is his way of managing down your demands. Hopefully you'll learn the next time that you cannot question his actions and his boundaries, otherwise you will be shut out/he will shut down. It doesn't seem like he cares about how you feel or wants to compromise in terms of boundaries but rather how much it affects him and his terms/conditions. Let him come to you. And when he does, don't allow him to walk in and pretend like nothing ever happened. Make sure you address it and come to a resolution. Having been in relationships where guys get defensive/play victim when you question or address an issue, it is usually a bad sign. Edited February 20, 2018 by Zahara 3
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 He said he feels like I am undermining his love for me. He does not feel trusted and it makes him sad. How did you present this to him? Were you being accusative? His reaction is a bit over the top don't you think? Just because you said you are uncomfortable with him being out on a date-like outing?
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 How did you present this to him? Were you being accusative? His reaction is a bit over the top don't you think? Just because you said you are uncomfortable with him being out on a date-like outing? Yes, it is over the top. And he was not defensive, not was he over the top when we first talked about it last night. We talked about it yesterday, he was super understanding and kind. And then we talked about other fun things. But this morning I was the one who brought it up again via text and that was when he got defensive/mad.
Zahara Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Yes, it is over the top. And he was not defensive, not was he over the top when we first talked about it last night. We talked about it yesterday, he was super understanding and kind. And then we talked about other fun things. But this morning I was the one who brought it up again via text and that was when he got defensive/mad. If you both talked about it last night and came to a resolution -- why did you bring it up again this morning?
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 But this morning I was the one who brought it up again via text and that was when he got defensive/mad. How much you wanna bet he spoke about this to his *best friend's gf* and she cranked him up......
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 How much you wanna bet he spoke about this to his *best friend's gf* and she cranked him up...... Why would he talk about it to her when this did not come up until after he met her?
Lorenza Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 I think he was kind and understanding when he still thought he can talk you into accepting this type of behavior. When he saw you're not having it, he changed his tune. "You're undermining my love" is a very comfortable thing to say, actually. It's easy to make the other person look like they're the offenders if you put it that way. 3
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 If you both talked about it last night and came to a resolution -- why did you bring it up again this morning? Because last night he made me feel good as he reassured me. This morning I woke up reading this forum and then I felt ****ty. That was when I wrote him and brought it up again. Should not have. Should have talked to my friends first. Felt better after talking to them. Still feel bad when I come to this thread. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. I hope we'll get through it. We've actually gotten through worse, so this is virtually nothing. I mean, I hope so, in the grand scheme of things. Gosh I hate being hormonal.
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Why would he talk about it to her when this did not come up until after he met her? They don't text? or keep in touch by any mean?
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Because last night he made me feel good as he reassured me. This morning I woke up reading this forum and then I felt ****ty. That was when I wrote him and brought it up again. Should not have. Should have talked to my friends first. Felt better after talking to them. Still feel bad when I come to this thread. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. I hope we'll get through it. We've actually gotten through worse, so this is virtually nothing. I mean, I hope so, in the grand scheme of things. Gosh I hate being hormonal. Yes LS can stir things up a bit in us.... Were you happy with his reassurance last night? Are you ok that he continues having one-on-one time with this woman? in settings like movies and skating?
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 I think he was kind and understanding when he still thought he can talk you into accepting this type of behavior. When he saw you're not having it, he changed his tune. "You're undermining my love" is a very comfortable thing to say, actually. It's easy to make the other person look like they're the offenders if you put it that way. Yes I see what you are trying to say but he is not some abusive a22hole who is trying to twist things around. I think he's just very sensitive and he really does get hurt when i do not show that i trust him. i would also be hurt if someone i love and who i give so much love and who gives me so much love back too, tells me they do not trust me. that must suck.
Zahara Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Because last night he made me feel good as he reassured me. This morning I woke up reading this forum and then I felt ****ty. That was when I wrote him and brought it up again. Should not have. Should have talked to my friends first. Felt better after talking to them. Still feel bad when I come to this thread. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. I hope we'll get through it. We've actually gotten through worse, so this is virtually nothing. I mean, I hope so, in the grand scheme of things. Gosh I hate being hormonal. Reassured you that he will have better boundaries in the future and that he will prioritize your feelings and the relationship moving forward or reassured you by pacifying you without any kind of resolve moving forward? Two different things. Someone can just nod their heads and give you sweet words so that you quietly go away/shut up about it versus communicating in a healthy manner in terms of implementing boundaries moving forward to secure the future of the relationship and partner. 1
Lorenza Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Because last night he made me feel good as he reassured me. This morning I woke up reading this forum and then I felt ****ty. That was when I wrote him and brought it up again. Should not have. Should have talked to my friends first. Felt better after talking to them. Still feel bad when I come to this thread. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. I hope we'll get through it. We've actually gotten through worse, so this is virtually nothing. I mean, I hope so, in the grand scheme of things. Gosh I hate being hormonal. How did he reassure you? Did he tell you he will stop taking his best friend's gf on dates? I thought that is the thing that rubbed you wrong - him spending quality time with an attractive female. It's also not fair blaming this forum for things progressing the way they did. Everyone took your side and nobody wants you to be played for a fool. You were the one who wasn't happy about a certain thing, it's not like people on here convinced you to not be ok with something.
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 Yes LS can stir things up a bit in us.... Were you happy with his reassurance last night? Are you ok that he continues having one-on-one time with this woman? in settings like movies and skating? As I said before, I feel if I would meet her and know her personally, I may not even have a problem with it int he future at all. To me, it is the aspect of not knowing who she is and what her intentions may be, that makes me so jealous. I trust he would never be disloyal to me.
Author heavenonearth Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 Reassured you that he will have better boundaries in the future and that he will prioritize your feelings and the relationship moving forward or reassured you by pacifying you without any kind of resolve moving forward? Two different things. Someone can just nod their heads and give you sweet words so that you quietly go away/shut up about it versus communicating in a healthy manner in terms of implementing boundaries moving forward to secure the future of the relationship and partner. What you are saying would imply that I'd ask for him to not see his friend anymore. I do not want that. I do not want him to stop being friends with people because of me. That is ridiculous. It was about me voicing a concern/jealousy that is likely based on the fact that I do not know this girl. Also the fact that it seems like a datey thing to do. I feel he is a bit oblivious to the fact that it may look weird to me. I do hope he can see where I am coming from, but he doesn't - and that sucks. It needs another conversation face to face in the future where we can discuss this and resolve it. I do not think it is resolved, no. But i do not want him to stop seeing a friend of 10 years, definitely not. I want to meet her, tho. That is important to me, and will likely change how I feel about his interaction with her.
Lorenza Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Yes I see what you are trying to say but he is not some abusive a22hole who is trying to twist things around. I think he's just very sensitive and he really does get hurt when i do not show that i trust him. i would also be hurt if someone i love and who i give so much love and who gives me so much love back too, tells me they do not trust me. that must suck. Sometimes you don't want to be an abusive ahole to twist things a bit, even if unconsciously... All I'm saying, there's definitely room for things getting out of hand if you allow it. Also, it's not fair to go ice-skating with another woman while in relationship. You'll feel jealous again. Well anyway, hope you'll solve it and that means really SOLVE it, not just adjust to his wishes. Wish you the best
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Yes I see what you are trying to say but he is not some abusive a22hole who is trying to twist things around. I think he's just very sensitive and he really does get hurt when i do not show that i trust him. This is pure manipulation on his part. How exactly did you not show your trust? Did you accuse him of anything? It's not a matter of 'trust' it's a matter of behaving properly and respectfully while in a relationship. My BF trust me 100% and if I wanted to go ice-skating with a male friend he would not say a word BUT, I know it's not a proper behavior to have while in a relationship so I will not impose this on my boyfriend EVEN if he trust me blindly. It's movies and ice-skating, where does he draw the line? Next time they'll go to a spa together? I am sure if he went to a spa with her nothing would happen BUT is it proper behavior for a man in a relationship! 1
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