I think I may be a bit jealous...

[heavenonearth]

He just wrote “you’re wrong. at the dentist now. Have a nice day. ” and turned off his phone after

To me that sounds passive-agressive and annoyed. Maybe I am too sensitive but if I got a text like this after I expressed a worry I'd be hurt. He could have replied: honey, At dentist now we will talk after

 

Then yes he called her back but then he got even more mad. It's like he didn't spent a second to reflect on what Heaven was feeling and on acknowledging it. Even if you think someone's feelings are wrong you at least acknowledge those feelings right?

 

He wrote "morning 'nickname'. you're wrong. at the dentist now. have a nice day'" and then called half an hour later.

i think he was mad yes and he expressed it in a bad way...

 

but he was understanding in our conversation and tried to reassure me of course that there was nothing to worry about, nobody could ever come between us, not his friend, nor any other woman, etc.

but he also did not understand fully why it made me uncomfortable and he just said he thinks i do not trust him.

 

i talked to my friend about it (who also knows him a bit) and she thinks that he just doesnt even think this far, that he does not really truly understand the aspect of a woman feeling uncomfortable of her man forming a bond with another female, even if it is just platonic.

 

i dont know, it still makes me uncomfortable. i feel if i knew her personally this would not bother me at all. it's the fact that she is a stranger to me, and i know nothing about her and her intentions, that bothers me.

[heavenonearth]

I have seen so many times that men in serious relationships and even marriages start to "date" while still in the relationship, under the guise of friendship. Now, most of them probably weren't cheating in the physical sense from the start, but I can tell you right now that no man will go on pseudo dates with another woman if he is not feeling some attraction to her. It wouldn't be worth causing trouble in the primary relationship otherwise.

 

It also depends how these things play out. Often these men get rejected either overtly or subtly by the female friend, return full attention to the primary relationship and noone is any wiser. Sometimes, the feelings are mutual and they start dating the friend but don't leave the primary relationship until they secure things so to speak.

 

What's even worse than the ice skating pseudo date is his defensive reaction (no 1 clue that something is off). You are being blatantly disrespected here. I personally wouldn't tolerate it.

 

This girl is the girlfriend of his best friend. They have been a couple for 8 years and live nearby. They often did many things together when my boyfriend was still with his ex. Of course after the break up he still met with the couple every now and then, just the three of them. But mainly he spends time with his friend rather than them as a couple.

Last year my boyfriend's best friend got burnout/depression and since then they don't hang out as much.

Since last fall, they only had dinner the three of them once, and he saw his best friend three times, and the girlfriend two times (November and yesterday).

 

They don't see each other ALL the time.

 

I do not think he has feelings for her, but I cannot speak for her.

I think I would worry less if I knew her personally.

[Gaeta]

This man is what? 38 years old? He knows too well what he is doing (movies and skating) would not be tolerated by most women. We're not talking about college kids here, he's a fully matured man that has been married.

 

Also, when he says you should trust him that is a bit of sand to your eyes. My cheating ex also told me I should trust him and those hotel keys in his pockets were for a secret business meeting.

 

I am not saying your bf is cheating on you but I am saying even if he feels you should trust him, you should be the judge of what can and cannot be trusted.

[FilterCoffee]

Maybe I am too sensitive but if I got a text like this after I expressed a worry I'd be hurt. He could have replied: honey, At dentist now we will talk after

 

Yes, I would be hurt too. He should’ve definitely been more sensitive when she shared her concerns. However, he did reassure her after he got back home. I don’t think Heaven should be worried about him leaving. I think he’s happy in the relationship and as long as she trusts him, things will be fine.

[heavenonearth]

Yes, I would be hurt too. He should’ve definitely been more sensitive when she shared her concerns. However, he did reassure her after he got back home. I don’t think Heaven should be worried about him leaving. I think he’s happy in the relationship and as long as she trusts him, things will be fine.

 

Thanks for saying that. I really hope this.

 

Because this thread has got me more worried than I hoped for...

 

now I am crying on my couch and wish I could just be held by him and him telling me how much he loves me.

 

But meh...

[Gaeta]

Yes, I would be hurt too. He should’ve definitely been more sensitive when she shared her concerns. However, he did reassure her after he got back home. I don’t think Heaven should be worried about him leaving. I think he’s happy in the relationship and as long as she trusts him, things will be fine.

 

I agree, I don't think he wants to leave her at all. I think he is stretching the elastic as much as he can though to have things work his way.

[Gaeta]

Thanks for saying that. I really hope this.

 

Because this thread has got me more worried than I hoped for...

 

now I am crying on my couch and wish I could just be held by him and him telling me how much he loves me.

 

But meh...

 

awwww sweetie don't get upset. No one thinks he's cheating or he doesn't love you. He needs to be a little more sensitive and considerate. Don't go running to him. He needs to think on his own of how he hurt your feelings. I hope he realizes that hurting you for someone he sees 3 times a year is ridiculous.

[FilterCoffee]

Thanks for saying that. I really hope this.

 

Because this thread has got me more worried than I hoped for...

 

now I am crying on my couch and wish I could just be held by him and him telling me how much he loves me.

 

But meh...

 

Awww don’t cry

 

I can understand why you’re upset. Lots of varying opinions and not all of them things you wanted to hear. The best thing you can do right now is let this go and trust him. It will either strengthen your relationship or he’ll betray it and you’ll be able to respond decisively. The only things in your control are your emotions and by being strong and trusting, you present your best self. That can only be good for your relationship.

[Timshel]

Well, that's a bit far fetched.

 

We usually are able to reasonably talk about things when they come up, he is very communicative and always there for me. I would never tell him to '**** off', that's just horrible. I think telling someone to '**** off' indicates a bad relationship.

 

We have been dating for 8 months now, 4 of them as a couple.

Our relationship is wonderful, we are super in love with each other and we really want to be together. WE are actually very compatible, are very comfortable with each other and both have never felt this way with anyone in our lives. I am not planning on giving this up anytime soon...

 

I think the reason he gets angry is because he thinks i am doubting his love for me or that I do not trust him, and he, of course, wishes that I trust him.

 

Yep, telling someone to beat it means it is not happening.

 

OP, you asked for opinions and have become very defensive. This means that despite your uncertainty, you have zero intention of doing anything about it.

 

When I was very young, I tried to justify nonsense, this isn't new. So you want to vent about your bf, LS is here for that.

 

I would like to say, once again, that long term stable relationships with a solid partner are very rare.

Four months in and he is angry because you aren't keen with his hang outs with his best friend's girlfriend is a good boundary, don't toss it.

 

His woman friend has a reason for turning to him instead of her lover...so does he.

 

The beginning of relationship can be confusing regarding whether or not to take it further.

 

This is just shenanigans.

[heavenonearth]

awwww sweetie don't get upset. No one thinks he's cheating or he doesn't love you. He needs to be a little more sensitive and considerate. Don't go running to him. He needs to think on his own of how he hurt your feelings. I hope he realizes that hurting you for someone he sees 3 times a year is ridiculous.

 

It just sucks because it is my birthday tomorrow and I won't see him until Friday and I hate feeling sad on my birthday.

 

I wish I could see him tomorrow. He actually said I should come over and he wants to take me to the skating rink for my birthday but I just got my period (probably adds to my emotional state) and it's not really a fun thing to do skating when on my period, nor do I like sleeping over at his house when I am on my period. (Sorry if TMI).

 

Should I go anyway? I don't think he'll be coming over bc he has to work early Thursday

[heavenonearth]

Awww don’t cry

 

I can understand why you’re upset. Lots of varying opinions and not all of them things you wanted to hear. The best thing you can do right now is let this go and trust him. It will either strengthen your relationship or he’ll betray it and you’ll be able to respond decisively. The only things in your control are your emotions and by being strong and trusting, you present your best self. That can only be good for your relationship.

 

I need to be more strong, I know. I just feel super weak right now because I don't feel understood.

[FilterCoffee]

I need to be more strong, I know. I just feel super weak right now because I don't feel understood.

 

We understand you. All of us. It’s perfectly normal to feel the way you’re feeling. What plans do you have for the evening? Spend time with friends. Take a walk. Get a milkshake (always helped my ex when her period started). Just stay out for some time and keep yourself distracted. Staying at home just adds to your woes.

 

To answer your other post, go visit him tomorrow if you can.

[lana-banana]

I need to be more strong, I know. I just feel super weak right now because I don't feel understood.

 

Your request was completely legitimate and your concerns are valid. You didn't ask him anything unreasonable, you didn't tell him he couldn't see her, you didn't accuse him of cheating. You just said you weren't comfortable with him going on "dates" (and ice skating really is a date, no doubt about it) with another woman. His reaction was way out of line.

 

I doubt he's cheating, but this is just a bad situation all around. He should have so much more respect for you and your feelings. And to top it off you haven't met this girl or her boyfriend, so all you know about their situation is what you've been told. I would be pretty upset too.

 

I'm with Gaeta: his ultimate response will tell you a lot. If he's halfway decent he will apologize profusely and try to improve the situation, such as offering a chance for you two to meet or promising not to do it in the future. If he doesn't apologize, refuses to talk about it anymore, or just considers it settled, you really should worry. Long-term partners ought to be far more considerate of your feelings.

[heavenonearth]

We understand you. All of us. It’s perfectly normal to feel the way you’re feeling. What plans do you have for the evening? Spend time with friends. Take a walk. Get a milkshake (always helped my ex when her period started). Just stay out for some time and keep yourself distracted. Staying at home just adds to your woes.

 

To answer your other post, go visit him tomorrow if you can.

 

I have no plans for tonight, was just going to go to bed early, have a lot of homework to do still. Tomorrow I actually have nothing planned.

My party is planned for Saturday so that is when I will see my friends.

[Gaeta]

It just sucks because it is my birthday tomorrow and I won't see him until Friday and I hate feeling sad on my birthday.

 

I wish I could see him tomorrow. He actually said I should come over and he wants to take me to the skating rink for my birthday but I just got my period (probably adds to my emotional state) and it's not really a fun thing to do skating when on my period, nor do I like sleeping over at his house when I am on my period. (Sorry if TMI).

For what it's worth I think most women want to be in their own space when on their periods.

 

Should I go anyway? I don't think he'll be coming over bc he has to work early Thursday

Ask him to come over. It's your birthday only once a year, so what he'll be tired the following day, he'll survive getting up earlier, he's 38 not 78. And a 40 minute drive is nothing, it takes me 1 hour to get to work each morning.

[heavenonearth]

For what it's worth I think most women want to be in their own space when on their periods.

 

Ask him to come over. It's your birthday only once a year, so what he'll be tired the following day, he'll survive getting up earlier, he's 38 not 78. And a 40 minute drive is nothing, it takes me 1 hour to get to work each morning.

 

 

Well after today's altercation I feel super weird about asking him to come to me tomorrow.

 

The idea was that we celebrate my birthday on Friday.

We said if we see each other this week, it would be on my birthday, but I'd have to come to him because he promised a friend to go to his gallery opening (and it is a friend he hasn't seen in over a year and promised this a long time ago).

So he said "you could join me at the gallery or we meet at my house afterwards", and I said "ok, let's see how i feel about that on wednesday".

Last night he suggested that we go to the skating rink after the gallery opening. (BTW I actually wanted for him to surprise me with something for my birthday).

But yeah, as i said, i am now on my period and feel like i just don't want to go to his city at all, it's a trip of almost two hours from house to house on three different trains and i HATE IT.

yeah he could come here after the gallery, but then we'd just go to bed and he'd wake up and leave again, not really worth it. By the way, in the mornings, there is always a lot of traffic on this route and it usually takes him 1,5 hours by car.

 

I hate this, i wish i would feel physically better, because i'd love to go skating with him on my birthday... and show him that it is more fun with me than with this other girl, haha.

 

But yeah, I guess I will have to wait til Friday to finally feel better.

Until then, I will feel super anxious about everything... that's just how I am when things are unresolved when you don't see someone in person.

 

We are always really good at talking about things in person, but we suck at it on the phone.

[No_Go]

Heaven, isn't it just the Hague to Amsterdam trip? If so there are more direct ways than 3 trains... I used to commute for classes Delft-Amsterdam daily, no big deal.

 

IME Dutch people are very direct so his message from the dentist doesn't come across as anything too much. A little passive aggressive but you know he reacts this way.

 

But really, if I were you I'll meet his friend. He knew her from the time he was with his ex, even if he's very platonic with her, she's a reminder of this past time, they have history as friends even before her relationship (8 vs 10 years), it is weird situation...

[Lorenza]

Heaven, mature men aren't that naive. I didn't know he is 38 years old. Your reaction shouldn't be surprising to any man who's had his share of life experiences. It's so easy to avoid these kind of situations - so many things he could have done to make sure you wouldn't feel uncomfortable. He hasn't, because he simply thought he'd tell you to deal with it and that's the end of the story. Especially if he's the one to set the pace in the relationship.

 

Be true to yourself and your feelings - him spending alone time with a beautiful woman in a date-like setting makes you feel disrespected, it causes some unwanted jealousy which poisons your mind. He needs to address this. Your peace of mind should be his priority, especially in a situation like this, where you're not asking for anything unreasonable. Don't settle, because I promise, you'll always find yourself in this situation - something causes you to worry, you express it, he dismisses it, you give in and swallow your worries. Until the next time.

[Highndry]

The appropriate way for him to handle it, if he truly loves you and values the relationship, would be to tell you he understands and that he would not go on any of these date type activities with her ever again. It's a no-brainer. This guy knows exactly what he's doing.

[heavenonearth]

Heaven, isn't it just the Hague to Amsterdam trip? If so there are more direct ways than 3 trains... I used to commute for classes Delft-Amsterdam daily, no big deal.

 

IME Dutch people are very direct so his message from the dentist doesn't come across as anything too much. A little passive aggressive but you know he reacts this way.

 

But really, if I were you I'll meet his friend. He knew her from the time he was with his ex, even if he's very platonic with her, she's a reminder of this past time, they have history as friends even before her relationship (8 vs 10 years), it is weird situation...

 

Yes he knew her before because she was good friends with his ex and that is how she met her boyfriend (my boyfriend's best friend).

 

Yeah I know trains can be quick but house to house is inconvenient and takes much longer. I am not saying it's impossible, just saying I generally hate it, and always prefer it when he drives here (also doesn't cost me a fortune, going back and forth once for me is 25 Euro, which is a lot for me as a student).

[heavenonearth]

Heaven, mature men aren't that naive. I didn't know he is 38 years old. Your reaction shouldn't be surprising to any man who's had his share of life experiences. It's so easy to avoid these kind of situations - so many things he could have done to make sure you wouldn't feel uncomfortable. He hasn't, because he simply thought he'd tell you to deal with it and that's the end of the story. Especially if he's the one to set the pace in the relationship.

 

Be true to yourself and your feelings - him spending alone time with a beautiful woman in a date-like setting makes you feel disrespected, it causes some unwanted jealousy which poisons your mind. He needs to address this. Your peace of mind should be his priority, especially in a situation like this, where you're not asking for anything unreasonable. Don't settle, because I promise, you'll always find yourself in this situation - something causes you to worry, you express it, he dismisses it, you give in and swallow your worries. Until the next time.

 

I think maybe because she was a friend of his ex, and of course thus the ex did not have a problem with him spending one on one time with the girl, he maybe thinks I shouldn't have a problem with it either? He just sees her as a normal friend and doesn't think much of it?

Disregarding the fact that I never met this woman and, of course, feel uncomfortable with the fact that he does a date like activity with her?

 

I don't really know how to handle this or how to bring this up again, if at all.

I feel maybe I'd feel different about it once I meet her and know who she is and what she's like.

 

I just do not know how to address this, that's all.

[No_Go]

Yes he knew her before because she was good friends with his ex and that is how she met her boyfriend (my boyfriend's best friend).

 

Yeah I know trains can be quick but house to house is inconvenient and takes much longer. I am not saying it's impossible, just saying I generally hate it, and always prefer it when he drives here (also doesn't cost me a fortune, going back and forth once for me is 25 Euro, which is a lot for me as a student).

 

When I was commuting this way, I'd do big part of it by bike (from after Muiderpoort to Centraal by bike, and then take the bike on the train and bike again). It saved me money and I got in the best shape in my life so far

 

I think your bf is still sorting out mentally his 'past life' vs his 'new life'. I don't think he's cheating or intends to, but this process can take a while.

[heavenonearth]

The appropriate way for him to handle it, if he truly loves you and values the relationship, would be to tell you he understands and that he would not go on any of these date type activities with her ever again. It's a no-brainer. This guy knows exactly what he's doing.

 

 

I think that would make him feel trapped.

Nobody likes to be told what or what not to do.

If he'd say I cannot do something with some of my male friends anymore, I'd not be having it either.

But he knows my male friends by now so he knows he got nothing to worry about.

 

To be honest the only friend of mine I'd do something like ice skating with is my best friend, and it seems completely ridiculous to me that anybody would get jealous of that.

If he sees her the way I see my friend, then yeah, there is NOTHING to worry about.

 

But still does not change the fact that I never met her and I do not trust a woman I never met, that's just how it is.

[Lorenza]

I think maybe because she was a friend of his ex, and of course thus the ex did not have a problem with him spending one on one time with the girl, he maybe thinks I shouldn't have a problem with it either?He just sees her as a normal friend and doesn't think much of it?

Disregarding the fact that I never met this woman and, of course, feel uncomfortable with the fact that he does a date like activity with her?

 

I don't really know how to handle this or how to bring this up again, if at all.

I feel maybe I'd feel different about it once I meet her and know who she is and what she's like.

 

I just do not know how to address this, that's all.

 

But you do and you made it clear.

 

Oh no, you don't need to address it. You wait until he addresses it and he better does that soon. With an apology + a solution that would appease both of you.

 

If he doesn't - well, you have a serious reason to reconsider this relationship. Don't write it down to "nah, maybe I'm wrong and he's right". Which you're already doing by defending him over and over again from each and every poster who doesn't accept this behavior...

[heavenonearth]

When I was commuting this way, I'd do big part of it by bike (from after Muiderpoort to Centraal by bike, and then take the bike on the train and bike again). It saved me money and I got in the best shape in my life so far

 

I think your bf is still sorting out mentally his 'past life' vs his 'new life'. I don't think he's cheating or intends to, but this process can take a while.

 

Bikes on trains costs more money!

But that aside...

 

I want to clarify something:

When he told me that he went ice skating with the girl, he immediately picked up on my response, which was not a happy one, and I said "well I suppose i am a bit jealous" and he said "yeah, i figured you'd be."

and i said "why"? and he said something along those lines:

"because i know you. and i know about your abandonment anxieties and i know you were not happy when i went to the cinema with her in november. but you have nothing to worry about, she is just a friend, and i am there for her and X(his best friend) the same way they both were there for me when i was going through ****ty times. nobody can ever come between you and me, not her, not any other woman. the only people who can come between us are you and me, and i don't intend to, because i want to be with you. so i'd like it if you could just trust me and not doubt me or my love for you when i spend an evening with a female friend once every few months."

 

so he was being very sweet in our conversation but once i did drag this conversation out, he got annoyed after a while because he said he felt he's just repeating himself over and over again and it's not constructive...

 

to which i have to admit, it is indeed not constructive.

i talked with a friend about it and she said that i must accept that he will never understand me and my emotions FULLY. he will try his best to understand me all he can, because he loves me, but he will not be able to completely get my anxiety, it's something only I understand 100%.

 

so i have to admit that he does try his best to be patient with me and tries to

understand where i am coming from. but i guess there is only so much any man can understand about a woman - especially one who is dealing with anxiety, like me.

 

and maybe then it is really not about him but about the way i deal with my emotions...

 

but yeah, it's not that he completely blocked the subject, we DID talk about it for about an hour and i am sure we will again once we see each other in person, because then we are better at discussing things. i will not pester him about it tho, just try one last time for him to see it through my lens.

 

and when i told him that it would probably help me if i got to know his best friend and the girlfriend rather sooner than later, he said "they would love to meet you"...

and i know he wants to try his best to make me feel loved and comfortable...