I think I may be a bit jealous...

[heavenonearth]

Yeah, he’s mad. But who goes ice skating when they want to talk? Your bf might not feel the same way but I think she’s into him. I don’t think there’s much you can do other than wait and see what happens. You could fight over this but that would be pointless and could get really bad because you live in different countries. By being insecure, you’re probably reminding him of his ex and you don’t want him thinking of you that way. Just trust him and leave him be. If something funny happens, you’ll be able to sense it so until then just forget about it.

 

You really think she is into him?

Oh man, that would really suck.

Especially since she is the girlfriend of his best friend.

 

I haven’t thought of it this way. He may be oblivious to her advances?

 

Btw we do not live in different countries. We just live a 40 min drive apart.

[FilterCoffee]

You really think she is into him?

Oh man, that would really suck.

Especially since she is the girlfriend of his best friend.

 

I haven’t thought of it this way. He may be oblivious to her advances?

 

Btw we do not live in different countries. We just live a 40 min drive apart.

 

Oh, I thought you guys were separated by a border! A forty minute drive is nothing. That’s how much time I take to get to work (one way). He should’ve invited you to come along at least.

 

Just think about it; the girl’s known your guy for years, she has a good rapport with him and her bf’s a mess. For years she couldn’t be open about her interest because of his ex but now she has an opportunity since you’re still new in his life. I bet she feels a bit territorial about him as well; she’s known him a LOT longer than you have. Your bf is probably not looking at it this way but these are the facts. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a thing for her though so you can breathe easy. If he’s a man of integrity, he’ll know where to draw the line.

[heavenonearth]

Oh, I thought you guys were separated by a border! A forty minute drive is nothing. That’s how much time I take to get to work (one way). He should’ve invited you to come along at least.

 

Just think about it; the girl’s known your guy for years, she has a good rapport with him and her bf’s a mess. For years she couldn’t be open about her interest because of his ex but now she has an opportunity since you’re still new in his life. I bet she feels a bit territorial about him as well; she’s known him a LOT longer than you have. Your bf is probably not looking at it this way but these are the facts. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a thing for her though so you can breathe easy. If he’s a man of integrity, he’ll know where to draw the line.

 

What you are saying makes sense. I could not bring this up though - that would suck.

 

By the way 40 min by car is not much but i do not drive and with the train it’s 1,5 hours.

 

They specifically met up to talk about her boyfriend.

I think it would be weird for a first meeting. I think my boyfriend wants me to meet with them both when best friend will be doing better.

I think it will take a while until i meet both of them because the best friend is not going out much and barely sees anyone but his girlfriend (Who he lives with) and my boyfriend.

 

 

We just had a call and a small fight about the whole ice skating thing. .

He thinks i don’t trust him

Now he’s even more mad.

Edited February 20, 2018 by heavenonearth

[FilterCoffee]

We just had a call and a small fight about the whole ice skating thing. .

He thinks i don’t trust him

Now he’s even more mad.

 

Heavennn, how could you not see this coming? It was definitely going to turn into a fight. Just apologise for being insecure and tell him you trust him. Don’t bring this up again. If something inappropriate happens he’ll give out lots of signals and you’ll find out. For now give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I’ve been in your position so when he meets her, please keep yourself occupied and not alone at home waiting for his call. Go meet friends/family, go for a movie or check out a museum. Basically, be out of your home and keep yourself distracted. Thinking about it will only drive you crazy.

[heavenonearth]

Heavennn, how could you not see this coming? It was definitely going to turn into a fight. Just apologise for being insecure and tell him you trust him. Don’t bring this up again. If something inappropriate happens he’ll give out lots of signals and you’ll find out. For now give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I’ve been in your position so when he meets her, please keep yourself occupied and not alone at home waiting for his call. Go meet friends/family, go for a movie or check out a museum. Basically, be out of your home and keep yourself distracted. Thinking about it will only drive you crazy.

 

Yeah, gladly he only sees her on her own once every two/three months or so.

And when his best friend was not sick, he'd only see her together with him (as a couple).

[lana-banana]

So i just texted my boyfriend that i did some thinking and that i thought it made me uncomfortable that he did these dating activities with her.

 

He just wrote “you’re wrong. at the dentist now. Have a nice day. ” and turned off his phone after

 

I think he’s mad now.

 

This is rude and dismissive (its own red flag) but moreover is a totally inappropriate response for someone you've been dating a year. (I apologize if I have the timeline wrong, I may be confusing you with someone else.) He should have reassured you nothing is going on, but aconowledged respect for your feelings and promised to avoid those situations in the future.

 

Nobody wants to say "you have reason to worry", but you have reason to worry. Even if nothing is happening this is thoughtless and disrespectful.

[heavenonearth]

This is rude and dismissive (its own red flag) but moreover is a totally inappropriate response for someone you've been dating a year. (I apologize if I have the timeline wrong, I may be confusing you with someone else.) He should have reassured you nothing is going on, but aconowledged respect for your feelings and promised to avoid those situations in the future.

 

Nobody wants to say "you have reason to worry", but you have reason to worry. Even if nothing is happening this is thoughtless and disrespectful.

 

 

Well I cannot tell him not to meet his friend... :/

[lana-banana]

Well I cannot tell him not to meet his friend... :/

 

If he isn't willing to put you first, respect your feelings, or put reasonable boundaries up, you have much bigger problems.

 

No one has a serious discussion while ice skating. No one.

[snowboy91]

Yes i do trust him - i don’t think he’d cheat on me with this girl or with anyone else for that matter.

I just get envious of others when they get to spend time with him and i cannot.

Especially when it is such a romantic activity.

It makes me sort of sad i can’t do that with him right now.

 

If this is the case, then I don't feel as if it's an issue of not knowing what he's getting up to. It's just an issue of you missing him.

 

Normally I would say: Sure, he is meeting up with a girl to do something fun together, but only as friends. If a) he doesn't seem the type to cheat, and b) it's his best friend's GF, I think you can be highly confident that there isn't anything going on between them.

 

But: The fact your BF got mad when you brought it up really sounds fishy to me. It's possible he knows how this looks to you and feels the need to hide it... which just digs himself a deeper hole. The sooner you meet these friends, the better.

Edited February 20, 2018 by snowboy91

[heavenonearth]

If this is the case, then I don't feel as if it's an issue of not knowing what he's getting up to. It's just an issue of you missing him.

 

Normally I would say: Sure, he is meeting up with a girl to do something fun together, but only as friends. If a) he doesn't seem the type to cheat, and b) it's his best friend's GF, I think you can be highly confident that there isn't anything going on between them.

 

But: The fact your BF got mad when you brought it up really sounds fishy to me. It's possible he knows how this looks to you and feels the need to hide it... which just digs himself a deeper hole. The sooner you meet these friends, the better.

 

Well he did not hide anything.

I knew he had plans of meeting with her today. And when he called me in the evening he immediately told me that they went ice skating.

He was not really hiding anything. He always tells me everything he is doing.

 

The problem why I havent met those two yet is because his best friend is depressed (burnout) and he has not really been seeing anyone but his own girlfriend (who lives with him), and my boyfriend (but also only once every two months or so). It must be very difficult for him and for them as a couple, so my boyfriend is trying to be there for both of them, but sometimes his best friend doesn't feel like doing anything and then my boyfriend was there for the girlfriend so she had some distraction, I suppose.

[Timshel]

So i just texted my boyfriend that i did some thinking and that i thought it made me uncomfortable that he did these dating activities with her.

 

He just wrote “you’re wrong. at the dentist now. Have a nice day. ” and turned off his phone after

 

I think he’s mad now.

 

We just had a call and a small fight about the whole ice skating thing. .

He thinks i don’t trust him

Now he’s even more mad.

 

Heaven, this is not a good relationship. A good relationship isn't difficult...they are rare...a few if you are fortunate in a lifetime.

 

Anger is the wrong reaction to your question. It is dismissive and disrespectful.

 

I would personally tell him to f off. As you are not as blunt, it is time to think about how compatible the two of you are.

I think that he is taking advantage of your kindness and desire to 'not make waves.'

 

I would say to him, have fun and good lucks.

[heavenonearth]

If he isn't willing to put you first, respect your feelings, or put reasonable boundaries up, you have much bigger problems.

 

No one has a serious discussion while ice skating. No one.

 

Well maybe they didnt just seriously discuss things, maybe she just wanted to have some fun out of the house.

 

I don't know how long their evening together was, but he was home at 11pm and I had last talked to him at 6pm.

 

He was not on the texting app from 8.30 - 11pm (did not check texts), so i suppose that is when they went skating.

 

I may read too much into this, I don't know...

[heavenonearth]

Heaven, this is not a good relationship. A good relationship isn't difficult...they are rare...a few if you are fortunate in a lifetime.

 

Anger is the wrong reaction to your question. It is dismissive and disrespectful.

 

I would personally tell him to f off. As you are not as blunt, it is time to think about how compatible the two of you are.

I think that he is taking advantage of your kindness and desire to 'not make waves.'

 

I would say to him, have fun and good lucks.

 

 

Well, that's a bit far fetched.

 

We usually are able to reasonably talk about things when they come up, he is very communicative and always there for me. I would never tell him to '**** off', that's just horrible. I think telling someone to '**** off' indicates a bad relationship.

 

We have been dating for 8 months now, 4 of them as a couple.

 

Our relationship is wonderful, we are super in love with each other and we really want to be together. WE are actually very compatible, are very comfortable with each other and both have never felt this way with anyone in our lives. I am not planning on giving this up anytime soon...

 

I think the reason he gets angry is because he thinks i am doubting his love for me or that I do not trust him, and he, of course, wishes that I trust him.

[Timshel]

I hope you come back three months from now and say the same....I really do. No poster around here can beat me for optimism.

 

Trust yourself.

 

Best.

[act00]

The whole thing is sketchy to me, and I would be having a hard time with it as well.

 

• You have no reason not to trust him.
  
• This is a long-time platonic friend, and it's reasonable to take a friend out to do something fun to take their mind off of the drama.
  
• It is super easy to fall for someone, even if misguided, when you're in a sh*tty relationship.
  
• Your boyfriend treats her well, is stable, and offers something her current boyfriend does not...and she's at her whits end with her current BF.
  
• They were supposed to meet to discuss what to do with the BF, but instead did something more date-like.
  

 

All you can do right now is ride it out. His reaction is overkill, and that level of defensiveness he has exhibited would really get my spidey senses going overdrive, but I'm going to agree with everyone that you just need to relax and do your best not to let this eat at you. It's probably nothing, and if he does ultimately stray, you'll know soon enough. It will help, I think, if you have an opportunity to meet her and him, or even just her without him since he's unreliable. Right now you're not "real" to her, KWIM? Does that make sense? If there's a tangible person your boyfriend is with, it changes things. I'm not saying she's after him or hitting on him, but given her current relationship, like I said, it's easy to fall for someone who treats you nice.

 

Good luck. Try not to bring this up again with your boyfriend and let sleeping dogs lie for now. He's loyal and you have no reason to believe otherwise right now.

[lana-banana]

You live forty minutes away, not four hours. I live in a big city and can't even get from one end to another in forty minutes. Hell, when my husband still lived in a suburb immediately outside the city, the drive to his apartment was anywhere from ten to eighty minutes (evening rush was always the worst). The point is there's absolutely no excuse for you to not be part of his regular everyday life.

 

The fact that you're still so disconnected after a year seems troubling. But didn't he tell you he also intends to never move in with someone else again, even after marriage? I realize it takes all kinds in this world, but this guy is holding you at arm's length and doesn't seem interested in bringing you any closer, and there are zero signs that he's going to change his mind on that. The relationship you have today appears to be the complete, most developed form of the relationship he wants. Is it what you want?

[Lorenza]

My ex was a kind of guy who'd spend "quality time" with his female friends. Going ice skating with a girl would be something he would totally do. But whenever I got jealous or question that type of activities, he'd patiently explain over and over again how those friends are only platonic and I can tag along whenever I want (I didn't).

 

No anger, no "have a nice day" and shutting down.

 

Your boyfriend's anger is what's troublesome here. That's a typical defensive reaction when things aren't completely innocent and transparent. Doesn't sound like he's cheating but he definitely has an emotional attachement to this girl. I wouldn't be too comfortable with them continuing to "date" this way. Your boyfriend's friend isn't the only one who's burned out, his girlfriend is too. I can bet money on her missing having a normal lively guy who can remind her she's still desirable. I doubt she gets her needs fulfilled with a guy who's depressed and hiding from the world.

[heavenonearth]

My ex was a kind of guy who'd spend "quality time" with his female friends. Going ice skating with a girl would be something he would totally do. But whenever I got jealous or question that type of activities, he'd patiently explain over and over again how those friends are only platonic and I can tag along whenever I want (I didn't).

 

No anger, no "have a nice day" and shutting down.

 

Your boyfriend's anger is what's troublesome here. That's a typical defensive reaction when things aren't completely innocent and transparent. Doesn't sound like he's cheating but he definitely has an emotional attachement to this girl. I wouldn't be too comfortable with them continuing to "date" this way. Your boyfriend's friend isn't the only one who's burned out, his girlfriend is too. I can bet money on her missing having a normal lively guy who can remind her she's still desirable. I doubt she gets her needs fulfilled with a guy who's depressed and hiding from the world.

 

Well he was at the dentist when i texted him. when he got back home he did call me and we had a conversation about it and he did reassure me that of course I have nothing to worry about. they have been friends for 10 years and she has been with her boyfriend for eight years. And her boyfriend is going through a hard time and my boyfriend is there for both of them because he’s friends with both of them. His best friend doesn’t have a problem with it either I suppose he even encouraged it because he trusts his best friend and he trusts his girlfriend. And perhaps because he knows that there is nothing between them whatsoever and he knows that his girlfriend is loyal to him and that my boyfriend is loyal to me.

 

He also said that nothing could ever come between us not her no other woman nobody and he wants me to fully trust him as he trusts me.

[heavenonearth]

You live forty minutes away, not four hours. I live in a big city and can't even get from one end to another in forty minutes. Hell, when my husband still lived in a suburb immediately outside the city, the drive to his apartment was anywhere from ten to eighty minutes (evening rush was always the worst). The point is there's absolutely no excuse for you to not be part of his regular everyday life.

 

The fact that you're still so disconnected after a year seems troubling. But didn't he tell you he also intends to never move in with someone else again, even after marriage? I realize it takes all kinds in this world, but this guy is holding you at arm's length and doesn't seem interested in bringing you any closer, and there are zero signs that he's going to change his mind on that. The relationship you have today appears to be the complete, most developed form of the relationship he wants. Is it what you want?

 

Oh we are not disconnected at all we feel very connected in fact we both never felt as connected with anyone as we do with each other. I don’t think that this woman that he’s been friends with for 10 years would now all of a sudden pose a threat to what we’ve built over the past eight months. And they both know how crazy my boyfriend is about me

 

Also after eight months of dating we won’t talk moving in together yet. That’s way too soon.

[Gaeta]

Heaven: I am not surprised of his reaction. To me it goes hand in hand with all of his previous behavior.

 

It started with him not wanting a 'title', then him having a problem defining a future together, then him saying ILY and taking it back, and now not wanting a girlfriend to tell him what he can and cannot do. These are all behavior of a man dating right after a divorce. He wants the comfort, the intimacy, the excitement, and the energy of a young girlfriend BUT he will not deal with compromise, or anything that will make him feel like he's in a marriage. He wants to date under his conditions and it's how it's been since beginning right? he sets the pace and you tag along.

 

Now, having differences in a relationship is to be expected but dismissing you the way he did and shutting his phone down is unacceptable under any circumstances. That wonderful connection between you 2 you are describing well he has less respect for it than you do. In a relationship no matter how annoyed or mad you can get you never shut down the line of communication = shutting you out.

 

I think this event will teach you a lot more about this man.

 

So my advice to you at this point is, do not reach to him, let the dust fall down and let him do the reaching. You opened yourself to him, it took a lot of vulnerability from you to tell him you felt uncomfortable and he dismissed how you felt. Certainly do not apologize for expressing an discomfort to him. He should be the one apologizing for shutting you out.

 

On a last note, would you shut down your phone at your boyfriend? No you would not, you'd be too afraid to hurt him, hurt the relationship and lose him because it's highly disrespectful. What does it say about him doing it?

[FilterCoffee]

You make a lot of valid points Gaeta but in this case, I think he turned off his phone because he was with his dentist and didn’t want to be reached by anyone. I mean he did call her when he got back home.

[heavenonearth]

Heaven: I am not surprised of his reaction. To me it goes hand in hand with all of his previous behavior.

 

It started with him not wanting a 'title', then him having a problem defining a future together, then him saying ILY and taking it back, and now not wanting a girlfriend to tell him what he can and cannot do. These are all behavior of a man dating right after a divorce. He wants the comfort, the intimacy, the excitement, and the energy of a young girlfriend BUT he will not deal with compromise, or anything that will make him feel like he's in a marriage. He wants to date under his conditions and it's how it's been since beginning right? he sets the pace and you tag along.

 

Now, having differences in a relationship is to be expected but dismissing you the way he did and shutting his phone down is unacceptable under any circumstances. That wonderful connection between you 2 you are describing well he has less respect for it than you do. In a relationship no matter how annoyed or mad you can get you never shut down the line of communication = shutting you out.

 

I think this event will teach you a lot more about this man.

 

So my advice to you at this point is, do not reach to him, let the dust fall down and let him do the reaching. You opened yourself to him, it took a lot of vulnerability from you to tell him you felt uncomfortable and he dismissed how you felt. Certainly do not apologize for expressing an discomfort to him. He should be the one apologizing for shutting you out.

 

On a last note, would you shut down your phone at your boyfriend? No you would not, you'd be too afraid to hurt him, hurt the relationship and lose him because it's highly disrespectful. What does it say about him doing it?

 

He had a root canal done when I texted him. He called me back immediately when he got home which was half an hour later.

 

I get what you are saying in your first paragraph, though. A lot of our pace is decided by him and that is true.

 

I am trying to think about right now at what points I was the one who made a decision. There really have been a lot of them too, though. It's not as unbalanced as you may think.

 

He never had a problem defining a future together, by the way.

We are constantly talking about our future together.

[Interstellar]

You really think she is into him?

Oh man, that would really suck.

Especially since she is the girlfriend of his best friend.

 

I haven’t thought of it this way. He may be oblivious to her advances?

 

Btw we do not live in different countries. We just live a 40 min drive apart.

 

My male intuition says, definitely yes and falling for him. But from your avatar; you’re a beautiful woman he won’t throw away 8 months if he’s loyal plus you live close to each other.

[Gaeta]

You make a lot of valid points Gaeta but in this case, I think he turned off his phone because he was with his dentist and didn’t want to be reached by anyone. I mean he did call her when he got back home.

 

He just wrote “you’re wrong. at the dentist now. Have a nice day. ” and turned off his phone after

To me that sounds passive-agressive and annoyed. Maybe I am too sensitive but if I got a text like this after I expressed a worry I'd be hurt. He could have replied: honey, At dentist now we will talk after

 

Then yes he called her back but then he got even more mad. It's like he didn't spent a second to reflect on what Heaven was feeling and on acknowledging it. Even if you think someone's feelings are wrong you at least acknowledge those feelings right?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have seen so many times that men in serious relationships and even marriages start to "date" while still in the relationship, under the guise of friendship. Now, most of them probably weren't cheating in the physical sense from the start, but I can tell you right now that no man will go on pseudo dates with another woman if he is not feeling some attraction to her. It wouldn't be worth causing trouble in the primary relationship otherwise.

 

It also depends how these things play out. Often these men get rejected either overtly or subtly by the female friend, return full attention to the primary relationship and noone is any wiser. Sometimes, the feelings are mutual and they start dating the friend but don't leave the primary relationship until they secure things so to speak.

 

What's even worse than the ice skating pseudo date is his defensive reaction (no 1 clue that something is off). You are being blatantly disrespected here. I personally wouldn't tolerate it.