unease circumstance, unease question, how do you know when to let go?

[strider_hiryu]

This has been my cause of many restless nights. its like this. i've been seeing a girl now for almost nine months. i told her how i felt about her a while back, almost last year May. i was away out of town for 9 months because of military training, so i told her over instant messaging. we started to see eachother durring my christmas break. we were inseperable. for the 2 weeks we saw eachother almost everyday. then came the time that i had to leave. i thought it was going to be another 6 months before i saw her again. so we went back to messageing eachother. she told me that she misses me, and that before when people would leave, it wouldn't bother her has much. now she's really fealing alone. as fate would have it, i came back in 2 weeks, my course was cancled. so i came home and we were together always. she would go to school then see me afterwards. not going home till about 12 at night usually. the only reason why she went home was to sleep, aside from that, she went to school then saw me for the rest of the day. as it happened, she joined the army just to get closer to me. so she took the basic training that was worth highschool credits.

 

she said that she would quit right after basic training, because her motive was just for the credits.whenever she was away for 3 or 10 days because of training, she would always comeback just as or even more inlove with me,

and me more so with her. sure we had our fights, but nevertheless we always made up and got back together. the first 2 fights were my fault, but after that, every following fight seemed like it was my fault, eventhough when i look back, i can honestly say it was her fault. and very time we did fight she cried but it was me who tried to put things back together, me who went frantic trying to calm her, trying to figuer out what had happened. i'll admit that i'm not ther perfect bf, i do have my flaws and i have tried to rectify them just for her, and it always tore me up inside to see the woman i love cry especailly if i'm the cause of it. then came time she had to go on her quallification course, she was a medic. she was too intimidated to tell her sargent that she wanted to quit earlier on.

 

so for the last few day of june we stayed together for asmuch as possibe, always seeing eachother, staying together for the better part of the day, untill she caught her filght one july morning. for the first 2 weeks she would always call almost everyday. i even sent her a care-up package. then after the 2 weeks i went overseas with my family for a month to visit my relatives. beacuse of the distance, it proved too expensive to call me so instead we used email. ofcourse she asked me if i was being faithful, and i was and i asked her like wise. and she said she was. i always had her on my mind, honestly speaking, the country i went to knew i was a forgner and so the women spoke about me alot and possibly could of had anyone i wanted. even my cousins asked me if i wanted to get layed, ofcourse i turned them down. even though i was tempted, i knew i was going to come home with a clear contious and with out any guilt. that was, no, that is how much i love her.you see, the the military is known for infadelity and secrets, anything can go on there and no one would tell. on the other hand, my frined who is also a soldier once told me that he loves and respects his girlfriend so much that he cannot stand it when people would talk ill of her, if there is one thing he can do for her, its make it so that no one can call her a fool, or an idoit for being with a cheater. and those words, those morals that he lived by moved me, and made me want to follow in his footsteps. so i guess you can tell that i was uneasy of her going.

 

after a while the emails bacame infrequent. i would still email her hoping that she would answer back. it became to the point that the last message i recieved was 13 days before i came back home, and even then i still did not recieve a reply.ofcourse i was worried that maybe she has found some one else. it was after all has been 6 weeks since we last saw eachother.

 

so when i got home, i immideately called her and she said that we should get together the following day. so we did. i noticed that day that she was not as affectionate as before, which was fairly odd seeing how we always talked about a future together. being worried as i am, i confronted her with my suspicion, asking if anything happened while she was away. she said nothing happened, she asked why, and i said it was because it was like she changed. she started crying and said that she wanted to break up. i asked her why and she said that i wasn't the man she thaught i was and that she was falling out of love with me . i told her that that i still loved her, and to give it a week before she answered. it was 2 days before i broke down and contacted her, met her, and i told her how much inlove i am with her. later that day she called me and wanted to talk. i told her that the decision was hers to make, if she wanted to break up or start over again slowly or pick up where we last left off. she told me that she wanted to start over again.

 

and so here we are started over again. and i'm torn. did she cheat on me? or is she "exploring"?, as my frined had told me.

 

and now she wants to stay in the military, but before she said she was quitting right after her medic course. is it possibe that she met someone? i would like to confront her with this, but i feel i missed my window of opertunaty already. she normally doesn't like to talk about things like this. almost as if it goes with out saying that we are faithful to one another.

 

she told me that her ex-boyfriend had cheated on her. so i thought that maybe she would never do it to me, because she knows the pain for infadility. my friend has felt that same sting when his ex- cheated on him. now he's very uneasy dancing with our friends wife. even though her husband is there dancing with us in the club practically encouraging the friendly tease.

 

if distance is supposed to make the heart stronger, then why has it seemed like it had driven us further appart?should i call it quits? how do i ask her if she was true to me or not? how do i take back my piece of mind? more importantly, how do i get back my restful nights? even despit all this, i still love her. am i a fool?