CDNstock Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 I've never been in a situation like this before, and an turning to the internet for advice. I'm a 34(M) and my ex is 27(F). We had dated 5 months prior to breaking up a couple weeks ago. I have honestly never been more confused from a significant other ever in the past. From day one I had let her know that I wasn't into playing games within a relationship, to which she "agreed". The first two months while things were casual, things were light and fun. Around the 3 month mark I started to fall for this girl, and that's when things started to change. We both had busy weeks with our jobs and sports/yoga, etc, so it wasn't about spending too much time together. Certain red flags started to appear, which prompted me to flags that may have been present from the beginning. Background on her is last relationship, which ended last spring, lasted 1.5 years where apparently her ex up and left her one weekend while she was away visiting her sister. Had also mentioned in the past has been in a relationship with a girl. Is not open to discussing how she feels, opening up. We ended up breaking up because our relationship had turned into this push/pull thing with constant hot/cold behavior on my ex's end. It's always seemed to me that communication is very important in a relationship, and we didn't have any. I ended up walking away because her inability/unwillingness to want to open up pushed me away. It seemed like everytime we were getting close, she would push me twice as far away and distance herself, then I would pull back and she would come chasing. Rinse and repeat. This drove me absolutely crazy. Looking back from the beginning, I realized that she was never the one to ever suggest plans or do any "little things" within the relationship. It constantly felt I was doing all the work, and she was just along for the ride. There was never any real interest in her getting to know the real me, a genuine interest in me. I apologize for the long rant, I haven't really been able to vent since the breakup. The problem is, I do care for her. When we had good times, things were great. But the constant hot/cold behavior never let me feel confident in the relationship. I sense she may have unresolved commitment issues from her ex leaving out of nowhere, and she might be scared to open up and trust as to not get hurt again. The fact that she had a commited relationship with a girl, makes me feel she may be dealing with some unresolved issues as to which gender she prefers. Maybe she just liked to attention and having someone to sleep beside but could never invest more than a superficial level. I think it's fair to want things to progress to a deeper emotional level after 5 months. I'm trying not to reach out to her, to let her figure out what she really wants, but I can't shake her from my mind. Was this doomed from the beginning? Was I a rebound? I truly appreciate some thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
babysacay Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 (edited) Gosh, this sounds so much like my situation except I am 26 F and he is 31 M. Same thing, push/pull, we'd get close, he'd pull away. I'd pull away, he'd come around. Let me know he's been cheated on multiple times so was cautious about relationships. Let me know he wasn't planning on seeing anyone else but wouldn't agree to keep it that way and be exclusive. After 4 months. I don't think there's anything we can do to fix their commitment issues. I think the best thing we can do is honor ourselves and what we desire and find people willing and able to get emotionally deeper after this amount of time. Edited February 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
mayonnaise Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 From my point of view, we can't entirely blame them for getting their guards up. But, you shouldn't also put yourself in a situation where it's only you that's trying to do all the work. After all, it takes two to tango. They are not wrong and you are not wrong. However, I think it's best to give them the space they needed. It is not you who could solve their commitment issues, but they themselves. It is a personal problem, so don't take it personally. I think it's best to find someone who's as ready to be in a relationship as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 From what you wrote and my experience with women who have been in relationships with both sexs(BI? maybe..mine said they weren't,but if it looks like a duck?)anyways...she just HAS to be in a relationship,no matter the emotional deepness. Again..this is just my experience and it's always been the same for my ex's(3 so far that were 'bi?')..They're still doing the same patterns,ect.. years later. Use the lessons/signs for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CDNstock Posted February 17, 2018 Author Share Posted February 17, 2018 Thanks for the advice! It's hard when you see potential in someone and give your all to a relationship, only to be met with the other person sabatoging due to past insecurities. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 (edited) Thanks for the advice! It's hard when you see potential in someone and give your all to a relationship, only to be met with the other person sabatoging due to past insecurities. Man, sometimes it's not past,present or future insecurities...It's just how that person is 'wired'. I've got a few wealthy clients i do some work for and I don't know wtf!? they're doing married! It's obvious to EVERYONE that they're only together for the sake of "being with someone". I got one guy to admit it at lunch and I was shocked,but not shocked..It just doesn't make sense to me. But..that's for them to decide and live with..not me. On edit: I did ask him "why be married/in a relationship if neither party is 'in it'?"..his response: "I don't know." It's like jesus..you have one life to live and you spend it keeping up with the Jones's? Hell I'd hook up with his wife if I was a dirtbag and didn't like money. LOL Edited February 17, 2018 by Praying4Daylight Link to post Share on other sites
Author CDNstock Posted February 18, 2018 Author Share Posted February 18, 2018 From my point of view, we can't entirely blame them for getting their guards up. But, you shouldn't also put yourself in a situation where it's only you that's trying to do all the work. After all, it takes two to tango. They are not wrong and you are not wrong. However, I think it's best to give them the space they needed. It is not you who could solve their commitment issues, but they themselves. It is a personal problem, so don't take it personally. I think it's best to find someone who's as ready to be in a relationship as you are. Thanks for your words. I agree it takes two people in the situation, not just one person pulling. She keeps saying she' doesn't know what she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Thanks for your words. I agree it takes two people in the situation, not just one person pulling. She keeps saying she' doesn't know what she wants. Tell her to hit you up if/when she figures that out,then go NC and get to living your life again. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Stay away from rebounds 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CDNstock Posted February 18, 2018 Author Share Posted February 18, 2018 Stay away from rebounds I agree! Does it sound like that's what I was? I wasn't sure if someone could still be in rebound mode 4/5 months later, but it makes sense from the emotional unavailability Link to post Share on other sites
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