TheOnlyOne73 Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 I called off my (23F) "pseudo-relationship" with a flatmate (25M) 4 days ago. It lasted a month. Back story: In November, he told me he really liked me but didn't want a relationship because he was messed up by a rocky relationship 3 years ago. He said he was in two minds about whether to be with me or not, because he seemed convinced he would damage me but really liked me at the same time. Over Christmas, I accepted what he said and let go, and we didn't speak to each other for 3 weeks (neither of us are big on texting anyway). After Christmas, he came back and told me he'd had time to collect his thoughts. He had gone on a break to Scotland and felt like "a new man". He wanted to work towards making a go of things and becoming a better person. He told me I'm the only one he wants to be with. A few weeks later he told me loved me, he couldn't bear the thought of losing me and was dedicated to making this work. He said he got very jealous whenever he saw me talking/joking around with other men. The thought of me being with someone else bothered him so much he "couldn't even talk about it". I questioned this a lot but he reassured me he was telling the truth, and tried to prove it to me. His degree is very time-consuming, tiring, and stressful. This meant he didn't have much time to see/speak to me, and when he did, he was so tired and sleepy. There wasn't much communication there so it felt like a pseudo-relationship. I called it off 4 days ago as my needs weren't being met. After 3 days NC I spoke to him in our flat kitchen and he said he had gotten over it as he had to move around a lot when he was younger so he was used to attaching/detaching from people and letting go. I had two of my male friends over last night and was laughing and joking around with them a lot in the kitchen (which he could hear since he was in the kitchen too at the time). He came across as a bit gruff/abrupt in his behaviour, he wouldn't say hello or make eye contact. He seemed pissed off. I know he isn't right for me, and I don't want to be with someone like that. I have no problems with continuing to live in the same flat as his presence doesn't bother me. My question is: has he really gotten over it in 3 days or did he never actually care in the first place?
salparadise Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 Nobody gets over it in three days. His behavior last night belies that. It sounds like to me that you both have your defenses fully engaged... dancing around each other, holding back, afraid to be vulnerable, unable to communicate your feelings. So you dump him because "your needs weren't being met," but then post here asking if he's bluffing or really over you in three days. It would seem that you aren't over it either. You're two wounded souls hoping, wishing and pushing each other away because you're terrified to open up and take the risk (although it seems he did communicate that he is willing). If you want it, you have to make it feel safe for each other. If you don't want it, why on earth would you want to continue living with him? Are you able to just turn your feelings on and off like a faucet? 1
Author TheOnlyOne73 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Posted February 17, 2018 (edited) Nobody gets over it in three days. His behavior last night belies that. It sounds like to me that you both have your defenses fully engaged... dancing around each other, holding back, afraid to be vulnerable, unable to communicate your feelings. So you dump him because "your needs weren't being met," but then post here asking if he's bluffing or really over you in three days. It would seem that you aren't over it either. You're two wounded souls hoping, wishing and pushing each other away because you're terrified to open up and take the risk (although it seems he did communicate that he is willing). If you want it, you have to make it feel safe for each other. If you don't want it, why on earth would you want to continue living with him? Are you able to just turn your feelings on and off like a faucet? Thanks for the response. We did open up and take a risk, but his work/university schedule doesn't accommodate having a girlfriend, so my needs weren't met. He agreed he didn't want to mess me about and leave me hanging all the time whilst he was constantly busy, so maybe it was best to break things off. This guy is the definition of a workaholic. He isn't in the flat the majority of the time (he's always at university) so it's ok for me to remain living here. I continue living with him because I have 4 other flatmates who live here too who I am fond of. This has been my home for this academic year; I tried leaving and moving to a different flat but I didn't enjoy it there. I'm not prepared to move over a small fling/pseudo-relationship that didn't work out. I feel emotionally fine so there's no real reason why I should have to move. There are only 10 weeks left of this term so it's not worth me moving out (I'll be moving out at the end of the term). Edited February 17, 2018 by TheOnlyOne73
preraph Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 That's who he is. He gets angry and bitter whether he's invested in a woman or not. It's inside him. It's his problem. He doesn't want you but it hurts his ego if you go on about your business. He's not good. He'll likely scare off future suitors by making them feel tense, so find a new roommate.
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