kk1234 Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 A few weeks ago I posted about being an "anxious attachment" in my relationship and how to make it better work with my secure partner. Yesterday my partner met up with me and cried, telling me he couldn't do it anymore.Many people in that post, encouraged me to finish it because he played a large part in my anxiety and trust issues, which I can no doubt agree to but couldn't do. These issues led to weekly accusations of lying cheating etc. which drove him into the ground. My partner had always kept things from his family, I spent 3 weeks with him while he was away "studying" which no one in his family knew about. Although, he didn't always lie to me, he lied occasionally to others about me which I told him was a big problem. His family are stiff, liked me but were never sold on me, his mother babied and controlled him, and he always tried to keep everyone happy, sometimes at my expense. He did take the blame for it ending, because his actions were making me upset, and in turn making him upset that he wasn't getting things right. He asked me to not hate him, apologised countless times, requested that I kept him on social media and hoped to stay friends in the future when our emotions settled down.He also mentioned the possibility of trying things later on when he feels he has "matured", but told me not to hold onto that. I think I may be able to remain friends, as I hope by that time I'm confident alone or have started to see someone that makes me feel more secure. We ended things on what was a good note, I barely even cried (I cried a hell of a lot this morning though). I do love him, but I can agree that at this moment we're too different, and his family have too much control over him, so his commitment comes out as bs, creates trust issues etc. Although many people would suggest to cut all ties and move on, I'm sure there are people who've remained friends and made it work.He also happens to live 3 streets away from me, so a run in is likely and I don't think it should be all that awkward.
springy Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 Do you have a question or just wanted to journal it?
Author kk1234 Posted February 17, 2018 Author Posted February 17, 2018 Do you have a question or just wanted to journal it? Sorry, my question is how does the friendship thing work after a relationship?Is it worth it?What are other people’s experiences?
callmegm Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 Sorry, my question is how does the friendship thing work after a relationship?Is it worth it?What are other people’s experiences? It works only if both aren't holding on to the idea that they "might" get back together. If one or both are holding on to it, don't bother trying. It's possible, and it's even possible to be such close friends that you attend each other's wedding or whatever. But it's not something that's common.
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 Remaining friends does not mean engaging in daily or even routine deliberate interaction with each other. It means that when you accidently bump into each other you are polite, civil & can make small talk for a few minutes. It's not conventional friends where you spend time together & talk. Staying connected on social media is a bad plan, IMO. You really don't want that level of insight into the life of somebody you are no longer dating. Do you really want to see the pictures of him & his new GF? Of course not. Do you want him to know what you are your new guy are doing, or worse, that you are still pining & wallowing? Hell no. Agree to the age old lie he's offering. Sure you'll be friends -- meaning solely that you won't cause a public scene when you see him -- but then stay away from him & ignore him if he reaches out to you. 1
HiCrunchy Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 Remaining friends does not mean engaging in daily or even routine deliberate interaction with each other. It means that when you accidently bump into each other you are polite, civil & can make small talk for a few minutes. It's not conventional friends where you spend time together & talk. Staying connected on social media is a bad plan, IMO. You really don't want that level of insight into the life of somebody you are no longer dating. Do you really want to see the pictures of him & his new GF? Of course not. Do you want him to know what you are your new guy are doing, or worse, that you are still pining & wallowing? Hell no. Agree to the age old lie he's offering. Sure you'll be friends -- meaning solely that you won't cause a public scene when you see him -- but then stay away from him & ignore him if he reaches out to you. Yep. Basically being friends means nothing. You will be a stranger or at best an acquaintance. I know that that hurts to hear, and it isn't something you can imagine now, but it is the reality of most situations. And so it goes. Good luck with moving on dear.
Author kk1234 Posted February 18, 2018 Author Posted February 18, 2018 Staying connected on social media is a bad plan, IMO. You really don't want that level of insight into the life of somebody you are no longer dating. Do you really want to see the pictures of him & his new GF? Of course not. Do you want him to know what you are your new guy are doing, or worse, that you are still pining & wallowing? Hell no. In the past we had two break/arguments where I deleted him off of everything possible.It’s hard to control not wanting to see what he’s up to,or when he was last active, so for him to be pushy about it is surprising, considering he’s the one to have broken things off. The only satisfaction I’ve got out of keeping him on social media so far, is being able to finally post my vacation photos...the ones that I had to hide so that his family didn’t know I was with him.I’m sure this will have some type of consequences for him at home,but I was very clear about not being obliged to lie for him anymore if we weren’t together.If only he knew how good honest feels.
NopeNah Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 I went out/dated an old co-worker of mine after my divorce years ago(getting old). I wasn't really looking for anything serious after my divorce and it was kinda long distance,even though I was travelling a lot to her town for a company I owned..anyways.. It just wasn't right timing,ect..no hard feelings by each.. After that I 'played around' for a couple years and ended up meeting my last LTR..10+yrs...needless to say, that didn't work out. So, me and the ex coworker are now talking again. Neither of us have any expectations/strings and it's cool for now. You just can't have any attachment really IF you think you can remain friends. My opinion.
DarrenB Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 Sorry, my question is how does the friendship thing work after a relationship?Is it worth it?What are other people’s experiences? A friendship simply will not work if one or both parties involved still have an attachment with the other. Any sort of feelings you still have, will not allow you to have a strictly-platonic or non-romanticized friendship. Unless for any specific reason you wish to keep him in your life, don't bother doing the whole friendship thing, it will just end in heartbreak. 2
Author kk1234 Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 A friendship simply will not work if one or both parties involved still have an attachment with the other. Any sort of feelings you still have, will not allow you to have a strictly-platonic or non-romanticized friendship. Unless for any specific reason you wish to keep him in your life, don't bother doing the whole friendship thing, it will just end in heartbreak. My ex is a great guy,he’s very good to his friends and I can see a friendship work for me, like messaging him when I need a referral to a specialist I do miss him but I feel like I’ll actually be okay to move on and start meeting new people in a few weeks time (he ended it before our 11 months).I don’t know what his attachment is which is what worries me,we never discussed that.He’s so far kept all our photos up on Facebook,and from his previous relationship it took him 2 years to get into another one, which was with me (while doing other stuff with random girls inbetween). Naturally I do believe I’d be upset when he does move on,but I can’t imagine putting myself through the same grief with a guy who told me he wanted to spend the “rest of his life with me” while he was still being breast fed by his mother.I need someone who makes me a priority and doesn’t give me ****ty excuses 11 months in, about why he lies to his family when he takes me to church trivia on a Friday night *rolls eyes*.
Author kk1234 Posted February 25, 2018 Author Posted February 25, 2018 It's just been over a week since since my break up, you can find my earlier post here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/652990-he-broke-up-me-but-still-wants-me-his-life I've had the last week off of work as I've been really unwell (an unrelated matter to the break up), which had given me a lot of time, probably too much time to think about the whole thing.I messaged my ex on Thursday and asked to meet up to answer some questions. The break up was everywhere, he was really emotional and said a lot of strange things, plus I wasn't prepared for it so naturally I have questions I want answered. I know the break is definite, there is no going back and this wasn't a meet up to beg him to take me back. He admitted he went home and cried to his family because he "knew it was the right thing to do, but wasn't sure", of course his mother consoled him telling him he made the right decision. He had difficulty not wanting to contact me, not going through my social media pages, and even thought about blocking me He drives to my house wearing a shirt I'd bought him for Christmas. We talk about our week, and discuss this friendship he wants to keep. He tells me he needs a few weeks without contact from me to cope because seeing me so early is too much for him. I told him I didn't care, and that he had to answer my questions to give me peace of mind. He kept telling me it was over, he couldn't guarantee we'd get back together in the future blah blah blah.I told him I'd be ready to start getting back out there in a few weeks time (he wasn't happy, but I was honest), and that I was considering just a bit of fun, the fun he had in his early 20's that I chose not to take part in. He then responds with "I wouldn't be too sure about being with someone I know who's been around with other people they weren't in a relationship with".He said a few other things which made me think he sees this turning into the f****** Notebook, where I'll sit around waiting for him to take me back. I spent the weekend packing up everything he's ever given me, went out with friends, moved all of our photos into another area of my phone etc. I didn't block him, but I have restricted him on my Facebook page. I've also decided that he can be the big boy to untag photos of us on his page. He said he'll message me in around 2 weeks time, and I've decided that if he does I need to practise self control and message him when I'M READY. Throughout our relationship I was a very emotional and felt like a somewhat needy person. I'm actually quite surprised with how well I've coped for only a week, and my family and friends have said the same. I can admit I cried a few times, but I think my ex was expecting a bigger reaction which I haven't given him to make him feel special.I would like to continue as I have now and possibly meet up to try this "friendship" thing in a few months time and see if it's actually something I would need in my life. I have gone through a lot of break up threads and I know a lot of people would just say to do NC.I have thought about it, and yes it would definitely make it easier, but being such an anxious person and wanting to change who I am and the way I respond to things in life, this would definitely help me build resilience.I can admit I feel sad when I drive past somewhere we used to hang out, but I am excited to meet someone who will give me the time, make me the priority and love me as much as I love them. I'm curious to know others opinions of how I've decided to cope with this situation?
Author kk1234 Posted March 17, 2018 Author Posted March 17, 2018 I will admit this is somewhat of a vent, and would really like to share this here as I continue to move on with my life as best I can. Exactly a year ago today I met my ex bf. He ended our relationship 4 weeks ago, and since then I've been thinking about where everything went wrong. I was 23 and it was my first relationship, I probably didn't know any better, but I can say this all turned out to be bitter sweet. My ex was a year younger than me, studying medicine, and came from what looked like a picture perfect family. After 3 weeks of texting, he wanted to make things official and me, the well educated, business savvy, attractive, honest, confident person that I was, was off the market. The first 3 months consisted of a lot of sweet texting, meeting up once a week and surprise flowers being sent to my workplace.After three months I can now see that our honey moon phase was over.Coming onto 4 months I was being barked at in public and hung up on mid conversation when he ran into someone more important. I drunk met his siblings for the first time, discovered that he was obsessing over a hot girl who'd ghosted him on Tinder months earlier, and that I "ruined things with his family" after I locked myself in the bathroom at this nightclub and bawled.But not knowing any better I still continued this relationship. Around mid year I was paying for most of our outings, using my car and guzzling my petrol. He spent my birthday weekend which I had paid for, messaging a girl he used to tutor who was having a bit of a "crisis".I was going out with his friends who didn't even know I existed, bailing on me again, and again after he forgot he made plans with other people.I would wait, bailing on my own friends to make plans with him on the weekend, all while he refused to hang out with any of my friends. His eyes began to wander, and I sat through dinners where he only ever complimented his friend's girlfriends. I started to be "over emotional" and "over react" to "small things", and he suggested I should go see a psychologist to sort out my issues...so I did.There I was, the pretty naive girl who still wanted to make things work. Towards the end of the year I had only been at his house once and met his family on a few occasions. They didn't like me but I continued kissing their asses and putting in an effort. He wanted to spend the "rest of his life with me", but he compulsively lied, refused to get rid of girls he'd slept with who kept communicating with him on Snapchat, and I had to explain to him that calling me an "idiot" in front of his friends wasn't okay.I had started seeing a psychologist who'd told me I didn't need him and that I was "settling".He told me that I was a liar who twisted stories which made him look like "a bad character".He was rarely honest, but when he was, he told me that I was "too covered" and "dressed like his mum". But I wanted to give it more time to work. At the end of the year he went away for study. Going through my own crisis at home, he chose to delay replying to my messages as he didn't want to be rude while out with the people he'd just made friends with. He eagerly convinced me to come visit him without any of his friends or family knowing. I flew up to see him, we fought everyday, he continued barking at me. I was unwell with a kidney infection while on an all day bus tour. I wanted to put my seat back to rest, and he'd told me not to because it would make the American girl behind us (that he'd been checking out since she got on the bus) uncomfortable. I stayed with him believing what he kept telling me, "if there's a will, there's a way". On New Years Day he dis-invited me from his sisters house because I was "too emotional". We fought, he asked for a break, I asked for a break up, and he cried. We patched things over and he invited me to come stay for his next 4 week study block away without any of his family or friends knowing. His eyes kept wandering and he kept belittling me in front of others. We fought, and it was the first time someone had ever called me a c***. I had always been honest, and vulnerable, and he started to use these vulnerabilities against me in every argument. After my 10 day break with him, I was flying out while his family were flying in to see him.For the next week I received replies only when he was in the toilet.He admitted that he never messaged or called me in front of his family, yet I still stayed, I still loved him and as did he, supposedly. He got back home and continued lying to his family about being out with me. He made promises, trips away at the end of the year, but my relationship with his family was on rocky ground. Mentioning this to him I was being "too pushy", and "complaining too much". I argued that he was selling me a false dream. Nothing was making this better, not my old psychologist, not my new psychologist. He then began to complain about me not being "in the mood" and "always tired", so I stupidly made myself more in the mood to keep him happy. He continued to ask me to be "better to him" because he "loves me", before meeting up with me and telling me he couldn't do it anymore. He needed to be "on his own".Three weeks later he's on Tinder, messaging women twice his age because he feels lonely after ending things with me. I regrettably meet up with him twice after the break up. He tells me that he knew it was "a matter of time" before I contacted him to "be friends". He reminded me how amazing I was, and that he was "nothing for me to be running away from". I agree to try friendship and instantly regret it. I block him and on our last meet up, tell him that he was not a friend worth having, he replies "You're bitter", and damn right I should be. After 12 toxic months, I have to at almost 25 years old rebuild myself from what feels like the underground up. My confidence, my self esteem, my ability to trust and love others and myself. This person blew hot and cold, making me feel insane,worthless, hopeless and feeling sorry for him on one too many occasions. I don't know how long it will take to get over this when I still dream about him. It's hard for me to move on when this "good guy", the guy who's liked by everyone, can't be hated, can't be spoken bad about, the future doctor who is continuously put up on a pedestal by others walks away unscathed. He asks me whether or not I tell people that HE broke up with ME. He keeps all our photos of us, the ones I bent over backwards for him to upload so that people actually knew I existed. Yet now he refuses to take them down surely for everyone to know that the "guy who punched" was the one who ended the relationship. He can get anyone he wants, you were lucky to have him, which he would beamingly remind me on multiple occasions. The flags were there, but I was belittled to the point where you start to self blame, and I used to tell him that if I couldn't make it work with him, I couldn't make it work with anyone else.Although I can see how bad this relationship was for me, it is so hard to let go and stop thinking.In the end I am very lucky he ended it, as he dodged a bullet for me.
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2018 Posted March 17, 2018 You live & learn. I can see why you feel your self esteem took a beating but now in hindsight when your vision is 20/20 you can see the red flags. Hopefully this means you have now learned to recognize them & you will be able to avoid them in the future. Best wishes.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17, 2018 Posted March 17, 2018 You live & learn. I can see why you feel your self esteem took a beating but now in hindsight when your vision is 20/20 you can see the red flags. Hopefully this means you have now learned to recognize them & you will be able to avoid them in the future. Best wishes. Yes, agreed. This dude was awful. Let this be an unpleasant lesson to not believe that you can love someone into caring about you. Next time, run when the red flags start waving. Take your time healing from this one, and learn to listen to your gut when it's screaming at you to get away from a sneaky creep like this one.
William Posted March 18, 2018 Posted March 18, 2018 Looks like we've merged three threads on a breakup into one here. Please continue the discussion and post updates to this thread. Thanks!
SpecialJ Posted March 20, 2018 Posted March 20, 2018 If the photos are bothering you that much -- have you just untagged yourself in them? If so, then if you are taking a break from his social media profile anyway (which you should do for at least a little while post-breakup), then you'll forget all about the photos pretty quickly. Otherwise, I think you're doing a good job separating yourself from him, going out with friends, and trying to come up with an honest perspective about what happened and what kind of person he is. And from what you describe... not one worth being friends with!
Author kk1234 Posted March 20, 2018 Author Posted March 20, 2018 If the photos are bothering you that much -- have you just untagged yourself in them? If so, then if you are taking a break from his social media profile anyway (which you should do for at least a little while post-breakup), then you'll forget all about the photos pretty quickly. Otherwise, I think you're doing a good job separating yourself from him, going out with friends, and trying to come up with an honest perspective about what happened and what kind of person he is. And from what you describe... not one worth being friends with! I’ve untagged myself and he untagged himself.I archived all the photos I uploaded however,he still keeps one photo of us on his page.I spent 4 months trying to get him to upload this stupid profile picture so I wouldn’t have to deal with “oh, N has a girlfriend? I didn’t even know?!” at every social event.Now after our break up he tells me it stays.I know him well enough to understand there is a motive behind it, and that becomes frustrating.He’s still playing games with me. At the moment I’m trying to get over being bitter and really damn mad.Especially for not listening to people when they told me to leave him on so many occasions. He blamed a lot of his bad behaviour on me, but from the first few dates I remember him talking down to me, and even pushing me into pleasuring him in public after I had said no.As I sit with my mum and my psychologists recounting a lot of these events,I feel incredibly pathetic and defeated.That someone like me got sucked into a roller coaster of lies and being treated like **** for months.Had one of my friends told me that their boyfriend was treating them this way, I would’ve advised her to leave him and completely delete him out of her life. There are of course some good memories in this relationship, but not many unfortunately.
stillafool Posted March 20, 2018 Posted March 20, 2018 We all get hurt in life but we learn from it. It is all a part of becoming an adult. I wish you the best.
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