kangaroo Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 Back story is on other threads here... but now I'm even more confused about this guy.. He came round valentines night after he had been at a friends party, which I knew about and we sat up and watched tv then went to bed and he stayed over. Left the next day to get stuff done and we met up again as I had got tickets to a sports game. Went for food and sat for a couple of hours eating and drinking and chatting and laughing, all great as it always is. He spoke about when he was no longer here, I said "what?", he said well he will die at some point, I said look I'm older so ill probably go first, so ill haunt you instead of you haunting me (which he said he would do). I also said you won't remember me then anyway, at which he looked at me as if I didn't have a clue and shook his head, so we decided we'd haunt each other mutually lol. Went to the sports game that he was really excited about as I had got really good seats. He paid for lunch, beers, everything. On the way out of the game he grabbed my hand, held it all the way to the train, on the train, off the train, onto the next train where we had to stand most of the way home. During that train ride he kept looking at our hands together, looking at my face, he had a silly smile on his face like the cat who got the cream (in a nice way). Felt like we were teenagers again. Started giving me a neck/shoulder massage. Even when we then sat down, he grabbed my hand in his again. (he has never shown any physical contact to me outside my apartment). He wasn't just holding my hand, sometimes he'd squeeze it harder, sometimes he'd run his thumb along my hand. All very nice and I felt close to him. Our faces were always close together. we got out at my train stop, walked me to my car and kissed me for a few minutes then went home. Said he had a great time. All great, and perfect as it always is when we are together. Neither of us are seeing/hooking up/meeting up with anyone else. I have to go back to my home country in 3 weeks time hopefully for only 4-6 weeks then ill be back but its not set in stone yet. He was the one that said he had been thinking about texting etc, and I had said WhatsApp or Messenger is best as texts are too expensive. He said he'd like to still "bother" me. I had thought that once I got on my flight, that would be it, until he said about whatsApp etc. It felt so right the other night but he always refers to us as "hanging out" though.We have seen each other for 4 1/2 months now. I get the feeling that he is excited about seeing me when he's with me and says things like when we go to the next game, or oh there's this food place we should go to etc. Ive met a couple of his friends in passing too. It feels like he likes me and then he says all those things and then he runs. I mentioned it and he said he doesn't, he's just like that with his anxiety and it isn't me he runs from, its everyone. He doesn't seem anxious, he seems self-assured and he does things with his friends and has short trips planned with his friends or family as things to look forward to. I know anxiety shows itself in different ways and I've been there too, so I understand it mostly. He doesn't text so much as he did in the beginning either, but thats ok. He doesn't use heart emojis or faces with hearts etc now either etc. I texted after he left and said "still f*****g amazing" (we always used to say each other was) and he just replied with a massive smile. I just feel like I'm getting mixed messages?
basil67 Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 Have you ever communicated your confusion? If you know what you want, have you told him? The first thing required to solve confusion is communication. 2
Author kangaroo Posted February 17, 2018 Author Posted February 17, 2018 Have you ever communicated your confusion? If you know what you want, have you told him? The first thing required to solve confusion is communication. Yes at the beginning we didn’t know if I was going back to my home country permanently or not, so I didn’t want a relationship but also he wasn’t ready for a relationship because of his anxiety which is set off when he thinks he’s upset people. He said he was rubbish at relationships because of this. So that was fine, both of us didn’t really want a relationship. Now it’s nearly 5 months down the line where I thought things would have ended by now, but they haven’t and I seem to be seeing glimpses of him having some sort of feelings? I don’t know?
kendahke Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 Yes at the beginning we didn’t know if I was going back to my home country permanently or not, so I didn’t want a relationship but also he wasn’t ready for a relationship because of his anxiety which is set off when he thinks he’s upset people.He said he was rubbish at relationships because of this. I have to go back to my home country in 3 weeks time hopefully for only 4-6 weeks then ill be back but its not set in stone yet.This could be a huge reason why he's not going to emote any further than he has--because your return isn't set in stone and you may not come back. That can produce some level of anxiety in someone already dealing with anxiety issues (and separation anxiety counts here) and he's self-protecting his feelings and not letting them get too far ahead of himself. both of us didn’t really want a relationship. Now it’s nearly 5 months down the line where I thought things would have ended by now, but they haven’t and I seem to be seeing glimpses of him having some sort of feelings? I don’t know?Question is: do you now want a relationship? I think you're going to need to find out from him what he considers behaviors indicative of "being in a relationship" to make sure they are in alignment with yours. That way, at least you have a starting point. At 5 months, you should be feeling way more comfortable with him to ask him his intentions. And you asking for a difficult answer to hear may trigger him to flee--if he does, then you're going to have to make a decision if this is how you want to proceed in a romantic relationship. We are all human and thus fallible. At some point, we're going to disappoint someone we're close to and that's part of human nature. As long as he's not made to feel he must be perfect 34/7/365 (and not being perfect isn't the same as being willfully neglectful, etc.), it may lessen his anxiety about opening up to you so your relationship can go deeper--if that's what you end up wanting. Until you come back to his country, I'd adopt a wait and see attitude with him. Just let him know it's safe for him to tell you what's troubling him, that you won't land on his head if he's not being perfect.
Author kangaroo Posted February 17, 2018 Author Posted February 17, 2018 This could be a huge reason why he's not going to emote any further than he has--because your return isn't set in stone and you may not come back. That can produce some level of anxiety in someone already dealing with anxiety issues (and separation anxiety counts here) and he's self-protecting his feelings and not letting them get too far ahead of himself. Question is: do you now want a relationship? I think you're going to need to find out from him what he considers behaviors indicative of "being in a relationship" to make sure they are in alignment with yours. That way, at least you have a starting point. At 5 months, you should be feeling way more comfortable with him to ask him his intentions. And you asking for a difficult answer to hear may trigger him to flee--if he does, then you're going to have to make a decision if this is how you want to proceed in a romantic relationship. We are all human and thus fallible. At some point, we're going to disappoint someone we're close to and that's part of human nature. As long as he's not made to feel he must be perfect 34/7/365 (and not being perfect isn't the same as being willfully neglectful, etc.), it may lessen his anxiety about opening up to you so your relationship can go deeper--if that's what you end up wanting. Until you come back to his country, I'd adopt a wait and see attitude with him. Just let him know it's safe for him to tell you what's troubling him, that you won't land on his head if he's not being perfect. Thank you, your reply makes sense. I’ve always been conscious of his anxiety and never made him feel like he has to be perfect. We are all human and I’ve been laid back when he is going through his issues. Sometimes he hides away with the anxiety and I let him be, and let him know I’m here if he wants to talk. I let him come back when he’s ready. I put no pressure on him at all. I understand because I’ve been there in the past.
Author kangaroo Posted February 17, 2018 Author Posted February 17, 2018 I think you're going to need to find out from him what he considers behaviors indicative of "being in a relationship" to make sure they are in alignment with yours. That way, at least you have a starting point. I said to one of my friends it’s like a non-relationship relationship.. we keep going out, we keep having lunch, dinner, we don’t always have sex when we meet, it seems to progress slowly but still progression. I think I wasn’t sure what I wanted, it was just great spending time together cos each time we do it’s great. But that journey home from the sports game, it felt different.
act00 Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 You state there's a long history on the board. I don't know that history. What I'm seeing is you've been going out for five months and this most recent date went really well. This is the first time he's been affectionate in public. He held your hand. You're leaving. You'll be gone for 4-6 weeks, and you're not sure if you're going to return or not or if this 4-6 week stay will be longer, if not permanent. You're worried about his anxiety. I'm thinking you have an uncertain future. You don't even know where you'll be living or planting roots 4-6 weeks from now, and if he has anxiety over that, it is understandable. Why is he going to invest a lot in you if you're leaving? I wouldn't want to get too attached to someone leaving. You should enjoy the ride and get what you get, and be very open and clear that this is very likely temporary due to the uncertainty of the future. He can make his choices, but don't lead him on. Don't make promises you can't keep since you, yourself are uncertain, and if he's growing too attached while you're busy being "casual" since you're leaving, you probably should break it off with him. I'm not sure what you're asking, but I think it's unfair to project taking on a serious relationship with him if you're leaving and have no desire or ability to have a serious relationship. After five months, you should be in a place to seriously discuss what the relationship expectations are.
Author kangaroo Posted February 17, 2018 Author Posted February 17, 2018 Yes in leaving but I’m coming back. 4-6 weeks is estimated time. HE wants to keep in touch when I’m gone, HE took my hand, HE had that look on his face, I think I’m confused. He said at the beginning he wasn’t ready for a relationship and I think he makes sure he doesn’t say we are on “dates” but “hanging out”. Is it possible he now has feelings? I left him after the game thinking what just happened there.
Flame Aura Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 This whole thread is confusing. Im confused what exactly you are asking. Stop thinking about what he wants and what he's feeling for a moment. Think about you. What do you want? Do you want a relationship? Make it official? Just be friends? After 5 months you really should know what you want. 1
Author kangaroo Posted February 17, 2018 Author Posted February 17, 2018 This whole thread is confusing. Im confused what exactly you are asking. Stop thinking about what he wants and what he's feeling for a moment. Think about you. What do you want? Do you want a relationship? Make it official? Just be friends? After 5 months you really should know what you want. Yeah sorry it is confusing. I’m scared. I like him. I’ve always mucked up relationships too. But I like him and I don’t want to lose whatever this is. It feels happy (I can be happy on my own too tho. I’m independent, which works well with him when he has his anxiety). I think my overriding feeling is being scared.
Author kangaroo Posted February 18, 2018 Author Posted February 18, 2018 I think I'm gonna end it. Its very up and down absolutely amazing when we are together but not so when we are apart. Thursday was fantastic, more than I ever hoped for but then he goes quiet as if he's running away (which he says he isn't). I am scared to bring it up again, so I think I'm just going to walk away
preraph Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 It seems clear enough to me that he shows that he likes you romantically, even if he doesn't put it into words. I would say MOST people don't put it into words.
kendahke Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 I think I'm gonna end it. Its very up and down absolutely amazing when we are together but not so when we are apart. Thursday was fantastic, more than I ever hoped for but then he goes quiet as if he's running away (which he says he isn't). I am scared to bring it up again, so I think I'm just going to walk away If you really like him, then take another look at your responses in this thread, mull them over til you can speak them clearly to him and convey your thoughts to him. It may make a difference or it may get him to relax and not be so skittish. A lot of what you've written here should be said to him... you don't appear to have confusion over how you feel. If he then bolts, then you know you can't make a go of this. Above all--he has to know that you cannot read his mind and he cannot read yours. You have to talk about things with each other if he wants you to continue to invest in what you two have.
Recommended Posts