Should I give him some space...or call if off??

[Free2be89]

I've been seeing this guy for two months, and up until this week things have been going pretty well. We go on dates regularly once or twice a week, spend time at his place, go to concerts, and have even talked about a weekend getaway. He's not the biggest texter on the planet, but he's usually been very good about staying in contact, even if just to check up with me 3-4 times a week or to tell me what his schedule will look like. Usually we never go 1-2 days without contact.

 

Last Friday, we went to a concert and everything was good. We talked about doing something on Thursday and because his work week was going to be crazy until then. He's a regional manager for a big company and his days usually consist of entertaining corporate executives to make deals and attending expos. Well, almost 3 days went by and I hadn't heard from him, but I knew he told me ahead of time that he was going to be busy. So I reached out on Monday night just to say a little hello and wish him a good week. He wrote me back thanking me, and saying that he was getting ready to go to a concert with some friends sending me videos a few hours later. I was a little bitter about the concert since I hadn't heard from him in 3 days, but I reminded myself that he was allowed to have time to himself and to chill out.

 

Another 3 days without contact goes by, and yesterday morning he texts me to see how my day is going. A few exchanges back and forth before he suggests that we hang out on Friday (today) because he's finally free. Because I hadn't heard from him, I had already made other plans. So I told him that I already had plans with friends, and that we should totally reschedule for another day...he never texted back despite watching some of my social media stories some hours later. He's never disappeared before in the middle of a conversation. That was yesterday around 3pm.

 

Idk to me it seems like he's been distant this week, more than usual and I feel like he might be losing interest. Typing it out, I feel like the situation sounds more trivial on paper than it does in my head lol but i'm still conflicted. I know people go through mood changes and everything, and it isn't going to be peachy ALL the time. I made the mistake of airing my dirty laundry to family and friends just as a sounding board, and they all think I should end things soon...but when you ask people who are close to you for advice and you're clearly upset...there's going to be bias there. lol But what do you all suggest I do? Should I wait it out...say something?...Or am I being paranoid?

Edited February 16, 2018 by Free2be89

[bluecastle]

It sounds to me that you've reached the common point that tends to come around the two month mark: the moment when you're ready for something that has been loose, casual, and organic to take on a bit more definition. To have some sense that it's evolving, going somewhere deeper.

 

Does he feel the same way? Is he as into you as you are into him? Not knowing the answer to those questions, I think, is the real source of your anxiety. And searching for it in clues (sporadic texts, a concert when he said he was busy) while fronting as Ms. Chill is not going to bring peace. That's turning your anxiety inward in hopes that it won't rock the boat, and that anxiety can quickly mutate into resentment. You don't want that.

 

I'd say: just have a straightforward talk with him before making a choice. That way you'll be informed—no more guesswork, no more interpreting texts (or lack of texts) like palm reader. As a man with plenty of commitment issues, I can tell you that, when given an inch to keep things in the casual/undefined zone, I'll extend it into a mile. I'll let those two months become a year, and the result is often (um, always) a rocky foundation even if things end up progressing.

 

So see where he's at. If you can't broach things like this now, you won't be able to later, when the stakes are higher. See if you can get on the same page, maybe making some small adjustments (no ghosting for 3 days, etc.)—if so, great. If not, it may be time to cut ties so you can be open to something that fits your needs better rather than you shaving off pieces of your needs to match his potentially limited offerings.

[Free2be89]

It sounds to me that you've reached the common point that tends to come around the two month mark: the moment when you're ready for something that has been loose, casual, and organic to take on a bit more definition. To have some sense that it's evolving, going somewhere deeper.

 

Does he feel the same way? Is he as into you as you are into him? Not knowing the answer to those questions, I think, is the real source of your anxiety. And searching for it in clues (sporadic texts, a concert when he said he was busy) while fronting as Ms. Chill is not going to bring peace. That's turning your anxiety inward in hopes that it won't rock the boat, and that anxiety can quickly mutate into resentment. You don't want that.

 

I'd say: just have a straightforward talk with him before making a choice. That way you'll be informed—no more guesswork, no more interpreting texts (or lack of texts) like palm reader. As a man with plenty of commitment issues, I can tell you that, when given an inch to keep things in the casual/undefined zone, I'll extend it into a mile. I'll let those two months become a year, and the result is often (um, always) a rocky foundation even if things end up progressing.

 

So see where he's at. If you can't broach things like this now, you won't be able to later, when the stakes are higher. See if you can get on the same page, maybe making some small adjustments (no ghosting for 3 days, etc.)—if so, great. If not, it may be time to cut ties so you can be open to something that fits your needs better rather than you shaving off pieces of your needs to match his potentially limited offerings.

 

Thanks! That brings up something that I totally didn't think of. I think he really might have some commitment issues. He's moved around a bit in the past few years and his job requires him to travel. He's mentioned "taking relationships slow".

[BC1980]

It's tough when you don't know where you stand. I would let him contact you and see how long it takes. That will probably offer a big clue as to how interested he is. You offered to reschedule, and he didn't take you up on that, which is probably not a good sign.

[bluecastle]

Thanks! That brings up something that I totally didn't think of. I think he really might have some commitment issues. He's moved around a bit in the past few years and his job requires him to travel. He's mentioned "taking relationships slow".

 

Yup, that's made code for commitment issues. Takes one to know one. I've spent plenty of time in therapy trying to get to the root of mine, knowing that partnership is what I want. Not there yet, but getting somewhere.

 

I'll say this, for whatever it's worth: Sometimes a guy needs a little nudge. My las gf played the Cool Girl for 1.5 years, kind of letting me dictate things, and while that was nice for a while (who doesn't like life on their terms?) it bred to a lot of resentment that surfaced after years together. Wasn't pretty how it played out, so I'd encourage you to be a bit confrontational now to see where you guys stand.

 

And if he gives you something along the lines of "I really love how this is going, but I'm super busy and scattered and just need to take things slow," then really be honest about whether that's enough. I've used that line plenty, fully meaning it, but my partner has denied that it wasn't enough. Again, came out later and wasn't pretty.

[CantTakeMySmile]

So, I think I am missing something. What are you conflicted about? It doesn't seem like he did anything wrong. You have been dating a very short time. If he said he was busy, it may have been that he was busy with going to a concert.

 

 

It must hurt you if you talk to family/friends about it. What hurt you? Are you already wanting to make this exclusive? Are you wanting him to check in more? Are you wanting more time with him? What is it that hurts you?

[preraph]

I just want to say that you did exactly what you should do, which is carry on with your life instead of waiting around for someone. The fact he's sulled up about it says something about him. I certainly wouldn't apologize for it or anything. I'd let him think about it and see if he gets over it, and if he doesn't I'd let him go. What you did it "teach someone how to treat you" and "have a boundary." Now, if he can't handle that, then he's not a keeper. If he can't be fair and considerate, who needs it.