PMS Related Breakups

[loveistough]

Hello everyone,

I've been dating a girl for the past 5 years and we have been on and off breaking up at least once a year sometimes twice a year, sometimes every month and usually only lasting a week or so sometimes a few days.

 

I'd get so depressed every time she would break up and when venting to friends they would tell me well seems like its a pattern and she will most likely be back. I'd even see a counselor about our issues just to make sure i wasn't crazy and she said no, observe patterns and she shouldn't talk to you the way she does.... I stopped seeing the counselor for awhile and tried to figure out these patterns and see if I could notice if anything is triggering these patterns and I got it....

 

1-10 days before her period, is when she becomes hostile, abusive and sabotages the relationship. Once her period actually hits and she normally tells me that shes started to bleed then shes much calmer and tends to want me back.

 

1. I know many are thinking why would i want someone that treats me like crap for 10 days out of the month and becomes a person that i do not love and does things i do not tolerate but love is much more complex than that. After reading some of the posts on this thread (https://www.mdjunction.com/forums/pre-menstrual-syndrome-discussions/general-support/2327356-pms-and-its-negative-impact-on-relationships) it seems as if some women can't control it and so she doesnt mean the things she says and does but somethings she does say are personal such as, i need to work on my finances and buy a home, which hurts my ego to use those reasons for the break up.

 

2. Ive tried to talk to her about counseling and about seeing a doctor because maybe her PMS is our biggest problem and perhaps she would be more reasonable and easier to talk to if that got resolved.

 

3. The latest thing that happened was, two saturdays ago she was pushing on engagement and asking me why i havent popped the question yet and i was honest with her, that i want to but the inconsistencies need to stop. One week shes good the next week shes cold and its like she loves me then hates me over and over again, no matter how good i am to her. Then she left on a trip for work (3 hours away for a week) and we would talk on the phone every day except for this past friday. This past friday is when i had to deal with a mood swing out of nowhere. She confessed she went through my phone and found convos she didnt like and explained them. The first one was that I contacted stephany, an ex coworker (I only talk to her once in a blue moon)...she said to go contact her since i miss her. I said i never told her I miss her. she said well you said when is the next time i will see you. I was like yea, whats wrong with that shes a friend and we'd all go out as a group when we were working at the same office, shes happily married and you can come if you want. Then she complained that i haven't proposed and that we have been dating for 5 years.

 

Her 2nd complaint was about a girl that i went to visit to see if i wanted to be her roomate. She got jealous about it and i said, nothing happened, i looked at the place and i didnt like it. Whats wrong with that? I'm not being inappropriate or flirting with anyone.

 

I told her well i called you on Friday night and you would text me but wouldn't call me back and wouldnt answer my calls. Thats a red flag and i find it to be disrespectful and that kind of behavior makes me hesitant to marry you.

 

Last year around this time she dated someone else because she disrespected me at a bar, kept on pushing my buttons so once we got out side i lost it and yelled at her. She ended up going to valentines dinner with another man. their dating period didnt last long at all and she started to miss me and we got back together.

 

I tried to explain the logic of the whole situation and she ended up dumping me saying i should trust her and that one time i was out with the boys and that I didnt come home or call and I explained that i accidently left my cell at my friends place and he got trashed, went home early and i couldnt get my cell until the next day. I too got trashed but I didnt have access to my phone and i dont know her number by heart.

[Gaeta]

What do you want us to tell you?

 

Yes there are women that are a little more jumpy during certain time of the month but it's not your girlfriend's problem. Your girlfriend is a monster and no amount of ovulating can explain or justify her behavior. She put you through 5 years of hell, how much more abuse do you need to get it?

[d0nnivain]

PMS is a thing but it's not an excuse to be rude. She's simply a rotten person with no conflict resolution skills who is using that as an excuse to be mean to you.

 

The break up make up cycle is the height of dysfunction. Get off that merry go round already.

 

Finally, the fact that you put up with this nonsense including the fact that she was with another guy last year on Valentine's Day after you gave her a taste of her own medicine tells me she does not respect you. You are old reliable doormat, loveistough, & she knows that no matter how badly she treats you, you are enough of a sucker to stick around & take it.

 

This pattern will only end when you walk away & date somebody else. Then you will be happy & she will wonder what happened.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sounds like she has PMDD. Medication can work wonders for this.

[Lobouspo]

I notice mood swings with my GF before her period, and kinda prepare for general irritability, but nothing compared to what you describe. Sounds like your girlfriend has mental health/bipolar issues possibly exacerbated by PMS. I dated a woman who could get downright nasty and abusive and would blame it on hormones before her period. No excuse. I don't see this getting better until she gets into therapy and be evaluated for pharmaceutical intervention

[loveistough]

the thing is that she doesnt blame it on anything. once her period is over she acts like nothing happened and wants us to carry on.

 

It just doesnt make sense to me that she pushes on marriage but doesnt work on the conflicts. If she would work on these conflicts things could be fine.

 

I'm struggling everyday, feeling anxiety and betrayal from someone I've had lots of joy and lots of painful moments with.

Edited February 15, 2018 by loveistough

[d0nnivain]

Why should she do any work? From her perspective other than her wanting to get married, everything is fine. She treats you like crap. You still stay.

[smackie9]

The root of the issues isn't PMS....your relationship just doesn't have what it takes for the long haul and it's time to acknowledge that it has run it's course. You can make all the excuses all you want but when it's off and on for over 5 years, it's time to call it quits. There are better relationships to be had. Stop beating this dead horse.

[kendahke]

If you've been together for 5 years and you can't bring yourself to ask her to marry you, then you're wasting both yours and her time. Being married to her means putting up with this inconsistent behavior til one of you dies. That could be 50 years from now. You ready to put your neck in that yoke and pull?

 

Ive tried to talk to her about counseling and about seeing a doctor because maybe her PMS is our biggest problem and perhaps she would be more reasonable and easier to talk to if that got resolved.

 

And her response was?

 

Last year around this time she dated someone else because she disrespected me at a bar, kept on pushing my buttons so once we got out side i lost it and yelled at her. She ended up going to valentines dinner with another man. their dating period didnt last long at all and she started to miss me and we got back together.

 

That's where you made your mistake.

 

Love isn't as complicated as you're making it out to be. You've got a girlfriend who doesn't respect your esteem enough to go see about a recurring health issue that is impacting you. She expect you to ignore it and marry her. I wouldn't marry her--you will be in for a lifetime of misery and there isn't enough love in the world to keep that sinking ship afloat.

[kendahke]

the thing is that she doesnt blame it on anything. once her period is over she acts like nothing happened and wants us to carry on.

 

then videotape her with your cell phone while she's not aware. When she's back into her right mind, show it to her and tell her this stops or you're out. Make an appointment with a doctor and see to it because there will absolutely be no wedding proposals until this is done.

 

It just doesnt make sense to me that she pushes on marriage but doesnt work on the conflicts. If she would work on these conflicts things could be fine.

 

That's because she wants to be married--not necessarily married to you. You're just conveniently there. Were you any other guy, the same thing will be happening because this is who she is.

 

I'm struggling everyday, feeling anxiety and betrayal from someone I've had lots of joy and lots of painful moments with.

 

But the joy didn't drive you to post this to a bunch of strangers.

[Downtown]

Tough, the most common cause of strong mood changes is a hormone change -- like the PMS you suspect to be the problem. Are you very confident in your observation that she becomes hostile "1-10 days before her period"?

 

I ask for two reasons. The first is that, if your GF's mood flips are triggered by events (e.g., some minor thing you say or do) instead of by PMS, you are describing the sudden mood flips caused by BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If that is the case -- i.e., her moods are not tied to her PMS cycle -- you likely would be seeing temper tantrums (usually lasting 5 hours but sometimes a few days) that occur every 2 or 3 weeks. Although BPD mood flips could be aggravated by a PMS hormone change, they would not be tied to the PMS cycle. You would be seeing such flips outside the PMS period if BPD plays a role.

 

The second reason I ask is your comment that you went to a counselor "just to make sure i wasn't crazy." I find this statement concerning because, of the 157 mental disorders in the DSM-5, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. The result is that therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers.

 

Hence, if you are not certain that her mood swings are tied to her PMS cycle, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If they do, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Tough.

[NopeNah]

Why should she do any work? From her perspective other than her wanting to get married, everything is fine. She treats you like crap. You still stay.

 

No offense,OP BUT this was funny and true!

[loveistough]

Tough, the most common cause of strong mood changes is a hormone change -- like the PMS you suspect to be the problem. Are you very confident in your observation that she becomes hostile "1-10 days before her period"?

 

My Answer:

Yes, when I went to go see a counselor about 2 years ago, she asked me to notice patterns. Things got much better in the relationship so I stopped seeing my counselor. My girlfriend or ex, (depends what time of the month it is)...marks her period in a shared calendar we have on google calendar. Ive been noticing the irrationality and hostility occurs 1-10 days before the period, which ive read is pretty common with women. Sometimes I feel like she can not control her emotions during these days. I am not defending her, her behavior is unacceptable but at the same time i've read that sometimes women can not control their emotions and the fighting and the break ups. They especially take it out on their significant other.

 

I ask for two reasons. The first is that, if your GF's mood flips are triggered by events (e.g., some minor thing you say or do) instead of by PMS, you are describing the sudden mood flips caused by BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If that is the case -- i.e., her moods are not tied to her PMS cycle -- you likely would be seeing temper tantrums (usually lasting 5 hours but sometimes a few days) that occur every 2 or 3 weeks. Although BPD mood flips could be aggravated by a PMS hormone change, they would not be tied to the PMS cycle. You would be seeing such flips outside the PMS period if BPD plays a role.

 

My answer: She's much more rational and caring person after her period is over. When she breaks up, she will always say the same things "i want you to be successful" "lets be friends" "contact me when we can be friends"

If i talk to her like a friend shes fine but once i bring up our issues and try to help her understand her patterns she either becomes cold or ignores me.

 

 

The second reason I ask is your comment that you went to a counselor "just to make sure i wasn't crazy." I find this statement concerning because, of the 157 mental disorders in the DSM-5, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. The result is that therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers.

 

My answer: I'm all about rationality behind what is going on and what confuses me big time, is the fact shes been complaining that we are not married yet and been dating for 5 years. She said "you were never going to do it". I said I want to but i need consistency not picking fights over minor stuff. This girl is very very smart but when it comes to relationships, i feel like she doesnt have any common sense or maybe she struggles with communicating?

I can't understand why shed break up and complain about us not being married yet when Ive been telling her many times that the fact she breaks up soo many times and then acts like nothing happened is the reason why its been hard for me to commit to that level (that should be understandable). When shes not PMSing shes the one I want to marry, but when shes going through her cycle, its a living hell.

 

Hence, if you are not certain that her mood swings are tied to her PMS cycle, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If they do, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Tough.

 

My answer: I used to think she had a mental disorder but now I think its just her PMSing. I came across various articles that explains that many women simply cant control their emotions during this time. I wished she would see a doctor about her hormones and explain what shes going through. Here is an interesting read that I came across that makes me want to forgive her every time and work towards a healthier relationship. https://psychcentral.com/blog/pms-relationships/

 

Downtown, thank you for your concern and understanding. You seem to be very knowledgeable and sympathetic during these very challenging times.

Edited February 19, 2018 by loveistough
added more comments

[lurker74]

It's not PMS. It's her. I went through similar things last year with someone I was in love with (in some ways, still am). But 5 years? Just stop. You're being abused. When you move on, you will realize how much abuse you put up with and wonder WTH you were thinking.

[loveistough]

Why is she pressuring on marriage but then backing out all the time?

 

This is tough for me because I still do have feelings for her and I love the positive side of her and the bad side is hurting me and makes me want to understand and resolve the issues.

 

it doesnt make sense to me why this keeps happening and why pressure on marriage?

[act00]

Rage and inability to control oneself due to PMS is pretty rare, IMO. We know the phenomenon exists. Yes, it is normal for women to be a bit crabby during their cycle, and most learn socially acceptable behaviors and learn to control themselves, even if they can be a bit snappish at times. Everyone gets moody and snappish. If the PMS is THAT bad, she needs to seek treatment. Given she's been menstruating since she was 12-16, I think she's had ample time to recognize her patterns and work on resolution.

 

This woman is just downright mean and hostile, and PMS is no excuse. I wouldn't want to marry someone who broke up with me twice a year, if not monthly, let alone deal with the high level of abuse for a minimum of 10 days a month. That's 120 days out of 365, which is 1/3 of the year. She's volatile, and you've been doing this for FIVE years. This is an abusive relationship, and you need to stop it. She won't change and she won't listen when you point out where the problem seems to lie, or at least exacerbates an existing issue. She's perfectly content with the status quo.

 

Abusers rarely change. It takes considerable work to do so, and before they do, they have to recognize their abusive nature, and few recognize their behavior as abusive.

[kendahke]

Why is she pressuring on marriage but then backing out all the time?

 

This is tough for me because I still do have feelings for her and I love the positive side of her and the bad side is hurting me and makes me want to understand and resolve the issues.

 

it doesnt make sense to me why this keeps happening and why pressure on marriage?

 

Seriously? The "whys" don't matter. "Because she does/she is/you let her/you stick around for it" is why. You remaining is you telling her that you're not only OK with her treatment, you volunteer for it.

 

You're going to have to embrace her bad side and tolerate her abuse to be with her. There is not enough "nice" or "positive" side for me to put up with someone debasing my esteem half the month, every month.

 

One day, you're going to learn to love yourself enough to not tolerate hideous treatment due to being too lazy to stand sentry to your own boundaries.

 

I refer you to my sig line below

 

 

.

[Gaeta]

it doesnt make sense to me why this keeps happening and why pressure on marriage?

 

I know you are trying to justify or excuse her abuse.

 

How *knowing why* would change anything?

 

Even if she says a thousand time that she loves you it doesn't matter, she would still be an abusive girlfriend and her love you would not make the abuse acceptable.

 

Abusers don't change.

[loveistough]

Why do they abuse people that they supposedly love?

 

She seems like a completely different person after her period. What if she saw a doctor and he told her exercising reduces your irritability and improves relationships, etc.

 

Check out this article about a woman that constantly breaks up because of her period.

So This Is Why I Want To Break Up With My Boyfriend Every Month... : I Have Pmdd Story & Experience

[Gaeta]

Why do they abuse people that they supposedly love?

100s of books have been written by psychiatrists on the subject, often they suffer from an un-diagnost mental illness, sometimes they are simply narcissist people. There is no cure or pill to cure narcissist, selfish people.

 

She seems like a completely different person after her period. What if she saw a doctor and he told her exercising reduces your irritability and improves relationships, etc.

 

Check out this article about a woman that constantly breaks up because of her period.

So This Is Why I Want To Break Up With My Boyfriend Every Month... : I Have Pmdd Story & Experience

 

Your girlfriend should see a doctor to eliminate any health reasons. Even if she exercises and it improves a little do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life? She's a young woman and completely out of control, wait till pregnancy hormones hit her then menopause hormones start acting up.

[O'Malley]

Although she may have a medical disorder, her pattern of behavior is a repeated process of decision. She chooses to act out abusively in the same way that she chooses to be loving. This is who she is and who she will continue to be unless she sees her violence as an issue and chooses to seek long term treatment.

 

You have a very protective attitude towards her; it's very common for victims of abuse to feel like they must rescue or protect their abuser, or excuse his/her actions to others. As others have noted, abusers are often resistant to treatment and, barring serious intervention, will continue this cycle with different partners over the course of their lives.

 

I'd suggest speaking to an abuse counselor about what's going on. Part of breaking away from an abusive relationship is understanding the cycle of abuse for what it is and coming to terms with ending the relationship for your own well being.

[Highndry]

Once again, Downtown hits it out of the park. This has nothing to do with PMS, this woman has all the symptoms of BPD and is an absolutely horrible partner. Why would you even want to subject yourself to her wrath anymore? You're allowing yourself to be a doormat, taking her back when she acts like that.

[loveistough]

Thank you OMalley for your input.

 

By the way, i see both sides to this ladies & gentlemen. Is the the logic behind leaving her and let her be as I can find much better than her and that shes treating me poorly but on the other hand...

 

I also see why people stick around and hope for things to get better. I came across an article and some youtube videos that explains PMDD which is the equivalent of a migraine compared to a headache which would be the PMSing. I started to realize that most people around the world dont even know the PMDD even exists as I learned about it a few weeks ago. Apparently, over 3 million cases per year which is sad. It ruins intimate relationships that probably would have worked out if the condition didnt exist.

 

I understand many people think we shouldn't put up with the abusive words what so ever but the person that has this disorder is ill and its not their fault. There are many people that just cant seem to get the help. Each person is different when it comes down to getting help. Not wanting to get help is arguably part of the illness, some come to realize sooner than others. Some dont want to admit to being ill. Some dont want to spend the time to get better.

 

I believe Midtown did say that it could be PMDD as I noticed her behavior is off the charts 10-1 day before each period.

[lurker74]

Thank you OMalley for your input.

 

By the way, i see both sides to this ladies & gentlemen. Is the the logic behind leaving her and let her be as I can find much better than her and that shes treating me poorly but on the other hand...

 

I also see why people stick around and hope for things to get better. I came across an article and some youtube videos that explains PMDD which is the equivalent of a migraine compared to a headache which would be the PMSing. I started to realize that most people around the world dont even know the PMDD even exists as I learned about it a few weeks ago. Apparently, over 3 million cases per year which is sad. It ruins intimate relationships that probably would have worked out if the condition didnt exist.

 

I understand many people think we shouldn't put up with the abusive words what so ever but the person that has this disorder is ill and its not their fault. There are many people that just cant seem to get the help. Each person is different when it comes down to getting help. Not wanting to get help is arguably part of the illness, some come to realize sooner than others. Some dont want to admit to being ill. Some dont want to spend the time to get better.

 

I believe Midtown did say that it could be PMDD as I noticed her behavior is off the charts 10-1 day before each period.

 

You're sweet but at some point it doesn't matter why the person abuses you. It's the abuse that matters. Sure, you can understand why it happens and have compassion for the person but just because they have a disorder does not mean that you should have to (or should at all) become their whipping boy.

[NopeNah]

Thank you OMalley for your input.

 

By the way, i see both sides to this ladies & gentlemen. Is the the logic behind leaving her and let her be as I can find much better than her and that shes treating me poorly but on the other hand...

 

I also see why people stick around and hope for things to get better. I came across an article and some youtube videos that explains PMDD which is the equivalent of a migraine compared to a headache which would be the PMSing. I started to realize that most people around the world dont even know the PMDD even exists as I learned about it a few weeks ago. Apparently, over 3 million cases per year which is sad. It ruins intimate relationships that probably would have worked out if the condition didnt exist.

 

I understand many people think we shouldn't put up with the abusive words what so ever but the person that has this disorder is ill and its not their fault. There are many people that just cant seem to get the help. Each person is different when it comes down to getting help. Not wanting to get help is arguably part of the illness, some come to realize sooner than others. Some dont want to admit to being ill. Some dont want to spend the time to get better.

 

I believe Midtown did say that it could be PMDD as I noticed her behavior is off the charts 10-1 day before each period.

This reads to me like when you'd tell a coworker/friend; "I ran into a door" after they've asked where you got a black eye/broken nose.