Nismatic Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 Known each other for a decade but reunited 5 years ago Moved in a place within 3 months and purchased a home within 1.5 years Things went fast and she was looking to get married and have kids We had some trust issues that surfaced because: - Her ex still texted her romantically while we first dated: o Claimed he was psycho and that they haven’t romantic for over a year o Was talking to him only because he owed money o Found out that was false and she was still romantic a few weeks before we did and never told him about us She was very open about her past relationships so I admit I used her past experience and projected my fears (eg. Physically hit her ex, left them in a middle of travelling) I gave her ultimatums when we fought and said that’s why I’m not ready and used a past experience as my concern. She reversed it and said if I mention her past again, she would leave. We did do counseling but I felt they were not very good in hindsight. I didn’t realize they were bad counselors until I talked to someone who had a suicidal child and went thru dozens. Each session just end having us mad at each other and we never established a game-plan of what we agree to work on. After our last session, I decided to create a game-plan myself but then we went on a trip end of last year and just fought. I used the ultimatum and found out that that was triggered the break-up. She went silent for 3 weeks until I asked that we should talk and that’s when she mentioned she wanted to break-up. She wanted to move-out and talk about finances. Every attempt to talk was pure resentment mentioning she can’t wait to check-out the dating sites, she friend-zoned me, I got fatter everything I did was just for appearance. Now we are in the stage of trying to figure out the house. She took most of her stuff and moved closer to her work until June to get a permanent place. She is an energetic but sometimes overwhelming alpha at times so I felt the only freedom I had was this marriage. Perhaps I saw my mom mentally beat my dad down over the years as projecting my fears into us. She gave me an ultimatum of August last year to propose or else she would leave which I indirectly rebelled and blew it off. I actually had a ring for a few months but been trying to find the right time and actual it planned to be V-Day (today). Well, she finally texted me yesterday that, she said: - She didn’t want to end it this way - It is a huge move for her emotionally, physically, financially - The resentment was 5 years that neither was us are going to get back so we both have a right to be resentful - It affects everyone including our families, work - She said it will pass but even though I’m trying to help, it’s too late. - She felt toward the latter part of the relationship and last 2 months, I didn’t seem to care. I’m sorry she felt that way. I feel she had many valid points as I just started my Masters, she just finished hers (less time for me, more time for her), her commute was much longer, and we were going thru massive lay-offs so the stress at work didn’t help. She also felt she always had to prove herself which is why she reluctantly moved in and purchased a home that early. The no-contact rule won’t work because our names are linked everywhere and she plans to come every few weeks to get mail. We have a group run this weekend but I think I will postpone it just to get some time and we have another run in May. Last night we had our roommate meeting and it was her last official night. We still slept in the same bed and she even offered me food. Of course I’m devastated and while people can’t change, we can seek to grow including myself. Even if we were engaged or married, these problems won’t just go away. In some sense, I felt me taking over the house and splitting things is a good thing for us to hopefully date on our own terms but maybe I’m spinning it. There is no one else for sure at this point. Right now, I totally understand I have to act if I’m moving on even if I want her back which includes just improving myself for me. Appreciate the advice.
Marc878 Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 You chase they move farther away. Stay out of the friend zone. Stop making excuse as to why you can't go NC. Start separating everything. Tell her to change her mailing address If you're smart you go your own way. If not you'll just linger awhile
Marc878 Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 She's told you and shown you she's done bug you don't believe her. Projecting your feelings onto her is a mistake. She obviously doesn't feel the same.
Recommended Posts