Author tamir302 Posted February 16, 2018 Author Posted February 16, 2018 Thanks everyone for your opinions. I'll meet with her one more time, and see how I feel about it. I must say though I'm surprised by some of the posts here, the ones accusing me of "using the poor girl". One replier even went as far as blaming me for using her just for the sex, which of course we didn't have, if that person would have bothered to actually read what I wrote. Guys, we met for one date and one date only (so far). I never promised her a wedding, nor raising two kids and a dog together. How the hell am I using her? For all I know she maybe she's not sure about me either, for whatever reason. And this woman is defiantly not "poor", she's a full grown person with her own decisions. I explicitly said I felt there's something worthwhile between us, it's just that there's also something that bothers me about it. Where did some people get the idea I'm just using her for sex, or that I'm just horny? I understand that people speak from their own hurts and scars, but please try and actually read what is written in the post before you answer. 5
Tribble Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 You say you are attracted to her, but she's not pretty or what you would call attractIVE. Are you more worried about what people would think if you started dating? That you're dating down? There's obviously something there for you and I think you've surprised yourself with how you feel about someone you wouldn't have thought you'd go for. I say go for another date and see how you feel. You aren't saying you're completely turned off by her physically, you're just surprised. But, if you can't get over this niggly feeling or think you'd be ashamed to be seen with her, stop after the second date. No-one wants to be dated for their personality despite their physical appearance. There is a lid for every pot and she can find someone who thinks she's hot stuff. 3
Highndry Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 I think it's a real mistake. If you don't find her attractive you never will. Do both of you a favor and end it.
carhill Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 OP, in your relationships or marriages where you've had success, what was your attraction style in those? Was it, bam, first time your eyes met or a slow burn or ?? People have attraction styles which work for them in relationships and we're all individuals. Hence, as an example, should your successful style be 'bam, first sight' and other attempts failed, then you should ignore my prior advice to 'give her a chance' because you have a body of evidence that such a path doesn't work for you. Could it? Sure. Anything is possible. Good luck on the date! 1
olivetree Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 OP, it sounds like you find yourself surprised that you're attracted to her, given the disconnect with knowing she is objectively not physically pretty. This is probably the first time this has happened for you and you don't know what to make of it. Maybe she is a little odd or plain looking, but there is something about the whole package that does it for you. Try not to think about how things should be. I find the more you like someone's insides, the more beautiful they seem to be outside. Just go with it and see what happens. 4
LuckyM Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 It is too soon to say what you should do, so take 1 date at a time with no long plans. You will find out how you feel, as she puts on makeup, takes it off, wears something different, see her in bright light, etc. I have dated girls I did not think were so attractive but I enjoyed their company- and they mine-I wouldn't marry them. You may be so much in need of affection, attention and intimacy that even this girl satisfies that, at first. You will take a four when you want an eight. And that is natural, to be expected. Maybe she feels the same about you?!
Calmandfocused Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 Op, you sound like a really nice guy. I don't think you have any bad intentions. Don't sweat it. If you like her and it feels right just do it. Sometimes these things have no logic or reason. Let me give you an example: I dated a guy in my teens who I knew was not good looking (at all) but there was such a chemistry between us and I was highly attracted to him. He treated me like a queen and our sex life was amazing! Others were astounded that I even looked in his direction. I couldn't care less what they thought. He made me really happy and we lasted 2 years. I thought my ex husband was gorgeous when I met him. Now whenever I see him (kids handover) I feel nothing but revulsion and the thought always crosses my mind "how could I"? I would rather never have sex again than go near him again. Ugg! Wish I'd married the first guy who I heard became a wonderful husband and father. My point is op, just go with it. If you connected and you like her, don't worry about how attractive she is broadly speaking. It's about how attractive she is to you.
todreaminblue Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 Thanks everyone for your opinions. I'll meet with her one more time, and see how I feel about it. I must say though I'm surprised by some of the posts here, the ones accusing me of "using the poor girl". One replier even went as far as blaming me for using her just for the sex, which of course we didn't have, if that person would have bothered to actually read what I wrote. Guys, we met for one date and one date only (so far). I never promised her a wedding, nor raising two kids and a dog together. How the hell am I using her? For all I know she maybe she's not sure about me either, for whatever reason. And this woman is defiantly not "poor", she's a full grown person with her own decisions. I explicitly said I felt there's something worthwhile between us, it's just that there's also something that bothers me about it. Where did some people get the idea I'm just using her for sex, or that I'm just horny? I understand that people speak from their own hurts and scars, but please try and actually read what is written in the post before you answer. The only problem is and it may sound strange- I don't think she's pretty. Maybe not even average looking. When I look at her pictures or even sometimes during the evening, I couldn't help but think like this. However, I do think I am attracted to her, since making out with her was fun and exciting. you state that even though you dont find her attractive you think you are attracted to her because you made out with her and it was fun and exciting.and that is what you also state as part of the connection you felt with her or attraction. I have to ask op...would you have felt attracted at all if there were no physical contact considering that you consider you are attracted to her for it was fun and exciting to make out with her...that's called physical gratification....the physical pleasure you felt .....its not an emotional connection to that person ....its a body thing you feel and it is confusing you......deb 2
olivetree Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 I would just like to point out that people keep saying OP isn't attracted to this woman. He clearly said he is attracted to her, she's just not pretty. Huge difference.
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 Hi guys, So I went on a date a few days ago with a woman I met on Tinder. The date was great, there was an immediate connection (at least I think so on my part), the conversation flowed and there was physical contact. Later when I drove her back home we even spent an hour or so making out in the car, which is something that usually doesn't happen to me on the first date. The only problem is and it may sound strange- I don't think she's pretty. Maybe not even average looking. When I look at her pictures or even sometimes during the evening, I couldn't help but think like this. However, I do think I am attracted to her, since making out with her was fun and exciting. Does it make sense? We set a second date to the weekend, and I'm not sure what to make of this situation. Thanks, T. I would just like to point out that people keep saying OP isn't attracted to this woman. He clearly said he is attracted to her, she's just not pretty. Huge difference. Yes, I realized I'd missed that and based my post on not noticing it, but when I went back and checked it out again it seemed to me he kind of qualified the attraction as being based on the pleasure of the physical sensation he experienced while making out rather than on her appearance, her character/personality. So still kind of thought he wasn't attracted to her per se but rather to the gratification of the sensuality of the experience. Idk, only he can call this one, I suppose. Which is it, OP? Attracted to the woman herself or attracted to the act of making out? 3
Miss Spider Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 (edited) I would just like to point out that people keep saying OP isn't attracted to this woman. He clearly said he is attracted to her, she's just not pretty. Huge difference. Yea I got the same impression as livingwater. Sexual attraction. When he looks at her pics he’s doesn’t think she is physically appealing But he justifies it by saying when they make out he enjoys it. People do this all the time. They think ‘oh, i liked making out, there must be something there” then it’s “oh I liked getting head I must be attracted” “oh the sex feels good, I must be attracted” I wouldn’t even want to date a guy who found me “not even average” and I don’t think many women would. Maybe op should tell her that he thinks she’s below average and see how she feels. It doesn’t sound like a great foundation for a long term, loving rship but that’s just me. Usually when you’re into someone you don’t think they are not physically attractive. Their flaws become pluses. jme Edited February 17, 2018 by Cookiesandough 4
GoodOnPaper Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 I went through a very similar conflictedness with my wife except that it was about her weight, not her looks. This was really the source of my feelings and I suspect it is for the OP, too: Are you more worried about what people would think if you started dating? That you're dating down? There's obviously something there for you and I think you've surprised yourself with how you feel about someone you wouldn't have thought you'd go for. Having come through the other side over 20 years later there are pros and cons. You learn that in the grand scheme of things, there are a LOT more important things to be judged on than whether your partner is universally attractive. On the bad side, this conflictedness can rob you of the honeymoon period when you are supposed to feel an intense infatuation - if you are not feeling it, it can definitely affect how deeply you bond to your partner.
losangelena Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 You say you are attracted to her, but she's not pretty or what you would call attractIVE. Are you more worried about what people would think if you started dating? That you're dating down? There's obviously something there for you and I think you've surprised yourself with how you feel about someone you wouldn't have thought you'd go for. I say go for another date and see how you feel. You aren't saying you're completely turned off by her physically, you're just surprised. But, if you can't get over this niggly feeling or think you'd be ashamed to be seen with her, stop after the second date. No-one wants to be dated for their personality despite their physical appearance. There is a lid for every pot and she can find someone who thinks she's hot stuff. I had this same thought, that OP might be hung up on, "what will others might think." As a woman whose dating life has been marked by many men who would happily have sex with her, but not date her because she wasn't what "society thought was attractive," I have a hard time not feeling a bit judgmental about this topic. I understand that a lot of people will say that this is just how things are, but I think both women and men would benefit from the dismantling of the mindset that how your partner looks is a reflection of your worth. There doesn't need to be this immense shame in being attracted to a person who is not deemed, "attractive." How much more freeing it would be if we could all just be in relationships with people we feel connected and attracted to, without worrying about what it looks like to others. Sigh ... okay, sorry, rant over. OP, I don't know what to tell you. Go out again and see how things go. 2
sandylee1 Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 I'm also wondering if it may be what other people will think. In that they would expect you to be with a better looking girl. Some people are just average or plain looking...I'm sure these people know they aren't the prettiest or most handsome. Others are not blessed with good looks and again...I'm sure they see that when they look in the mirror. It sounds like you usually have a pretty type...but I'm also wondering why you swiped left or right to accept her. Did her profile pic look better than she does in real life?
Jj66 Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 It's wrong but I have definitely let what others might think affect my dating choices. This is how you can get a situation where a woman is good enough to sleep with but not good enough to go out with. In my case it was more often lack intelligence or accomplishment than looks that kept her from being considered girlfriend material. I could imagine my friends talking like this: "She's as dumb as a box of rocks, what is Jj doing with her? Who knows? Maybe she gives good head. Lmao" But looks did come into play sometimes. A number of years ago after my divorce and then a rebound relationship, a woman proposed that she would be my FB. I never would have dated her and I think she knew that when she proposed the arrangement. She alao assured me she was a freak in bed. So I accepted. The prospect of regular kinky sex with no pressure of a relationship made me step below where I would have ordinarily gone. We met once a week for sex for 5 months. And as these things usually go, she fell for me. She said she wanted to start dating. I told her sorry. Not going to date you. She begged and told me she was in love with me. I told her she had no right to do this to me. I wasn't going to date her or to take responsibility for her broken heart. It was against the rules she had proposed in the beginning. If one of us started to fall we had to end it immediately. She didn't do that. Her broken heart was her own fault. It came out that she wanted to date me all along and that the FB proposal had just been a way to get close to me. I was very angry with her over what I considered bait and switch tactics.
CatMinx Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 Attraction is chemical. You can certainly be sexually attracted to someone without objectively finding them pretty. 1
Highndry Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 There are an equal number of unattractive men as there are women out there, so the phrase "stay in your lane" comes to mind. There's somebody for everybody.
Popsicle Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 Hi guys, So I went on a date a few days ago with a woman I met on Tinder. The date was great, there was an immediate connection (at least I think so on my part), the conversation flowed and there was physical contact. Later when I drove her back home we even spent an hour or so making out in the car, which is something that usually doesn't happen to me on the first date. The only problem is and it may sound strange- I don't think she's pretty. Maybe not even average looking. When I look at her pictures or even sometimes during the evening, I couldn't help but think like this. However, I do think I am attracted to her, since making out with her was fun and exciting. Does it make sense? We set a second date to the weekend, and I'm not sure what to make of this situation. Thanks, T. Well isn’t this what you wanted? Isn’t that why you swiped right on EVERY GIRL on Tinder?
Usename12 Posted February 19, 2018 Posted February 19, 2018 If physical beauty was the criteria of getting a partner, I don't know how 80% of women ever found a guy (and vice versa but I can't speak for women). And I don't think these guys with them are under any illusion that they are with anything close to an SI swimsuit model. Attraction is more than outward beauty as modern society conditions us to see it. You might find you value certain things more than you think OP. But if things progress and you go exclusive, just don't be a guy who leaves her if a so-called better looking woman comes along.
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