Coastal10 Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 Hi Guys, I previously posted here a few weeks back regarding a woman I have been dating for 2 months until recently. My original story is here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/651224-dating-someone-ill-family-member Following on from that point communication continued to fade and so I had to question if we were still seeing one another and on speaking terms after we had last spent time together. She responded saying that she hadn't soured on me in anyway and had a wonderful time but was currently dealing with a lot of things with home and so could not put enough focus on 'us' at present. I didn't know what really to believe though I did know that her mum had been unwell and rushed into hospital. We live on the same street and last week we ran into one another outside our local shop. She looked happy to see me and I asked her about herself and how her mum is doing. She said that her mum needed to have her heart stopped and restarted and may need surgery and constant medication but won't know for a while. I told her that I was confused if the breakdown in things was to do with me or if it was because she was too busy. I genuinely didn't know and I wanted to be open with her while we had the chance to talk. She said with the things that are happening with her mum, having to help her sister and having two jobs means that she can't give me 100% and will be cancelling things we have arranged and if she can't give me her all at present then she won't continue with this. She mentioned it being wrong place wrong time. I mentioned that I like being with her very much and maybe later in the year after some months we could see how things are and shoot some pool again. She seemed to like that idea and agreed to it. We laughed and she kissed me on the lips and we said cheerio. I guess I'm answering my own questions here but all I can do is let things be for some months and then see how things are with her? Or if she reaches out to me? I know I shouldn't wait around for things to change and if I meet someone else then continue to meet other people. It's just very frustrating that things appeared to be going great with her both physically and mentally and then it's all went to nothing in a matter of days... If it is purely bad timing with her family issue then I would like to reconnect with her again. The other half of me says well why would she not want me for support and a shoulder to lean on so to speak? We are all going to be busy and have obligations but would a family illness be a likely reason to end things? Am I being unreasonable? We live on the same street so we are going to run into each other again anyway.. Any thoughts on this would be welcome. Thanks.
lurker74 Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 Yeah, so if you push anymore or ask her if it's your fault, she'll look at you as a point of stress rather than pleasure and then you're done. Be generally happy to hear from her or bump into her (but not crazy enthusiastic) and after things calm down, perhaps she'll come back around. In the meantime, started casually dating a bit so that you don't feel this need to beg her to tell you what you did wrong (I know, an exaggeration but you get my point). This isn't playing a game; go look for someone else while keeping open the current possibility that you'll work out with her. And if you get close to someone else, then that's great too. By the way, you get to a certain point in a relationship where none of what I just said is true. But if you were at that point, she would have (or should have) been using you for emotional support with her mother's situation, which she wasn't. That means she didn't look at you as that role yet. 1
act00 Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 You are far too new a relationship for her to be leaning on you for heavy moral support and other forms of support. This can and does chase people off. When they sign up to date, they're not looking to take on the role of caretaker and babysitter. In addition, feelings can develop between the giver and the taker...Nightingale Syndrome being one example...and after the major drama subsides, one-half of the couple also fall out of love. Dealing with illness or other family drama is a lot to plop on a new person, and few will expect it or ask. Of course new relationships take more time and care to cultivate, and when being pulled in six different directions, trying to squeeze in time for the "main squeeze" is near impossible...it's not fair to the other person to keep them dangling. Cutting the ties seems the most reasonable and logical. You might want to check in once in awhile to see how she's doing and ask if she just needs a breather for an hour or two, treat her for lunch/dinner or a movie, even at home (yours if she/you are comfortable with that) to just take her away for awhile. It is wise to continue dating others, and maybe when things settle down, she'll be available to you. Don't shut the door totally, but don't expect her to come around anytime soon either. Enjoy your moments if you bump into her. You've already addressed that you did nothing wrong...no need to bring it up again. You want to be her pleasant escape, not one more thing she has to deal with.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 This maybe an unpopular answer, but I'm going w/her using it as an excuse. I wholly sympathize w/her, but on the other hand if someone likes you, they aren't gonna leave you out in the cold. I have had good excuses given to me on guys who faded on me, "its my anxiety", "I need to be alone" etc etc. Do not contact her and continue to date others. I know you like her, but personally, I would have a hard time trusting the person not to leave me in the cold again.
Author Coastal10 Posted February 18, 2018 Author Posted February 18, 2018 This maybe an unpopular answer' date=' but I'm going w/her using it as an excuse. I wholly sympathize w/her, but on the other hand if someone likes you, they aren't gonna leave you out in the cold. I have had good excuses given to me on guys who faded on me, "its my anxiety", "I need to be alone" etc etc. Do not contact her and continue to date others. I know you like her, but personally, I would have a hard time trusting the person not to leave me in the cold again.[/quote'] Thanks for your response. Yes I did think that it could be just as an excuse to let me down gently. But at the same time it would be extremely twisted to use a family member illness/emergency as part of an excuse to dump someone. I know that the stuff with her mum is true as I had known about her mum's health problems when we first started dating. The pulling away/fade literally started the day her mum was rushed into hospital. At no point since then did she indicate she felt differently about me but that she couldn't focus fully on us at present with what is going on with family. I'd like to think we were at a point in which we had enough mutual respect to be honest with each other. All I can do is check in with her in a couple of months.
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