Should I call her on Valentine's Day?

[FOBolous]

What was the disagreement about?

 

we were clubbing with a group of friends and she thinks two my friends were talking **** about me/us. she was upset at me for not noticing and not reacting. She thinks me not noticing/reacting is a "turn off." i responded with a variation of "who cares what other people think?" "other people's opinion does matter to me" and i don't respond because "lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep."

 

she also mentioned she notices a lot of people starring at us and glancing at us whenever we're out (she mentioned this once to me before). i told her it's probably because we're interracial (i'm Asian, she's Puerto Rican) and that our combination is rare. so people are going to look. she then mentioned something about over hearing some Asian girls commenting on how dark she is (i don't know how she's able to hear this with how loud music is are the clubs) and i told her some people are going to hate (asian girls, PR guys) but again, who cares what other people think?

 

and after all that, i told her i probably don't notice any of that because when i'm out with her, she's all i see and all i pay attention to. when i'm with her, i don't notice anything or anyone else.

 

and after that is when she spilled her feelings out to me and was extra/super affectionate.

 

What did you say after she said that she was crazy about you? Did you tell her about your feelings for her?

 

of course.

Edited February 14, 2018 by FOBolous

[lurker74]

Count yourself lucky. The woman sounds a bit looney. And no, don't reach out to her at all. Just move on.

[Versacehottie]

we were clubbing with a group of friends and she thinks two my friends were talking **** about me/us. she was upset at me for not noticing and not reacting. She thinks me not noticing/reacting is a "turn off." i responded with a variation of "who cares what other people think?" "other people's opinion does matter to me" and i don't respond because "lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep."

 

she also mentioned she notices a lot of people starring at us and glancing at us whenever we're out (she mentioned this once to me before). i told her it's probably because we're interracial (i'm Asian, she's Puerto Rican) and that our combination is rare. so people are going to look. she then mentioned something about over hearing some Asian girls commenting on how dark she is (i don't know how she's able to hear this with how loud music is are the clubs) and i told her some people are going to hate (asian girls, PR guys) but again, who cares what other people think?

 

and after all that, i told her i probably don't notice any of that because when i'm out with her, she's all i see and all i pay attention to. when i'm with her, i don't notice anything or anyone else.

 

and after that is when she spilled her feelings out to me and was extra/super affectionate.

 

 

 

of course.

 

To me, the lesson you should take from this (for yourself) is see how she reacted when you acted super manly--like basically telling her to relax and not to worry about what other people think which infers that you don't--sounds very pick up artist of me but girls like that vibe better than the neurotic one you later displayed when she was acting like a like brat and you wouldn't leave a vm. The type of guy who says "who cares what other people think" would leave a message on the first try to reach her vs sending a little nothing text which equals a poke and then not go so extreme as to wonder if she is ok etc when she doesn't call you etc afterward. Ie when she thought your friends were talking about you guys, you took it in stride--you should have done a version of the same when she was seeming to avoid you. It may not have been that originally but turned into that when she felt you were being needy or dramatic.

 

So yeah, it's good that you are not going to do a big breakup text, message or speech. Um, no. It will have no effect if she already believes she has left you. Disappear because you have done you best to reach her and expect her to do the same. that will at least have her wondering (if your intention is to cause more of a real ripple). If she contacts you (i have a weird feeling she will), of course you can do the mellow version of a breakup discussion at that point. Basically to the effect of: I don't think this will work out. Not a ton of emotion or descriptions of stuff. Of course, if you want to give her another shot (not thinking it's a good idea but if you do), then yes speak honestly but still try to not charge the discussion with too many emotions. Good luck

[ShyLove]

I actually think its good that you don't care what other people think and I think you needed to tell her that. Bc honestly, if you are going to interracial date (depending on where you live) you do have to have that attitude. Sounds like she may be a little insecure about the whole thing. Were your friends making statements or have they? If so she had the right to be upset and that would turn me off as well bc who wants to date someone whose friends are going to make comments all the time?

 

My boyfriend is Asian and I am mixed with everything and I have darker skin. We both have that "who cares what people think" attitude but we live in Southern California which is probably the most liberal open minded place to live in the US, so we don't really get that many stares since all races and types of people mix here. But I grew up in a farm community so I know what it can be like to have people stare and make comments. It is very uncomfortable and if she doesn't have the same attitude as you it can give her lots of anxiety.

 

Don't call her or say anything else to her. Just let it be.

 

Good luck!

[KBarletta]

Curious, OP, had you been drunk with her before? Did she behave differently? I have been with women who become COMPLETELY different people when they're under the influence. Myself, I just get happy and sleepy (my two dwarfs lol). Other people change their personalities 180 degrees. So maybe she is one of those people and she woke up and regretted her behavior? Just a theory.

 

Either way, though, the fact that she hasn't responded is telling. I probably would shoot her a text one last time and then let it be. If she doesn't respond, then that's that.

 

She sounds pretty flaky anyway, and honestly for her to be upset that you didn't react to other people possibly talking s--t on you is kinda weird as well. I'd say it's possible you dodged a bullet here anyway.

 

Good luck.

 

KTB

[FOBolous]

To me, the lesson you should take from this (for yourself) is see how she reacted when you acted super manly--like basically telling her to relax and not to worry about what other people think which infers that you don't--sounds very pick up artist of me but girls like that vibe better than the neurotic one you later displayed when she was acting like a like brat and you wouldn't leave a vm. The type of guy who says "who cares what other people think" would leave a message on the first try to reach her vs sending a little nothing text which equals a poke and then not go so extreme as to wonder if she is ok etc when she doesn't call you etc afterward. Ie when she thought your friends were talking about you guys, you took it in stride--you should have done a version of the same when she was seeming to avoid you. It may not have been that originally but turned into that when she felt you were being needy or dramatic.

 

So yeah, it's good that you are not going to do a big breakup text, message or speech. Um, no. It will have no effect if she already believes she has left you. Disappear because you have done you best to reach her and expect her to do the same. that will at least have her wondering (if your intention is to cause more of a real ripple). If she contacts you (i have a weird feeling she will), of course you can do the mellow version of a breakup discussion at that point. Basically to the effect of: I don't think this will work out. Not a ton of emotion or descriptions of stuff. Of course, if you want to give her another shot (not thinking it's a good idea but if you do), then yes speak honestly but still try to not charge the discussion with too many emotions. Good luck

 

i guess it's the difference between opinions of people i don't care about vs of someone i care about. but you are right, and you have a lot of good advice/insight in your post. thank you.

 

Curious, OP, had you been drunk with her before? Did she behave differently? I have been with women who become COMPLETELY different people when they're under the influence. Myself, I just get happy and sleepy (my two dwarfs lol). Other people change their personalities 180 degrees. So maybe she is one of those people and she woke up and regretted her behavior? Just a theory.

 

Either way, though, the fact that she hasn't responded is telling. I probably would shoot her a text one last time and then let it be. If she doesn't respond, then that's that.

 

She sounds pretty flaky anyway, and honestly for her to be upset that you didn't react to other people possibly talking s--t on you is kinda weird as well. I'd say it's possible you dodged a bullet here anyway.

 

Good luck.

 

KTB

 

yes...her wall's down more when she's drunk and have less inhibition. pretty typical stuff.

 

but nah. this is too much for someone that i haven't even dated for a full month yet. going to let this one go.

Edited February 14, 2018 by FOBolous

[FOBolous]

I actually think its good that you don't care what other people think and I think you needed to tell her that. Bc honestly, if you are going to interracial date (depending on where you live) you do have to have that attitude. Sounds like she may be a little insecure about the whole thing. Were your friends making statements or have they? If so she had the right to be upset and that would turn me off as well bc who wants to date someone whose friends are going to make comments all the time?

 

My boyfriend is Asian and I am mixed with everything and I have darker skin. We both have that "who cares what people think" attitude but we live in Southern California which is probably the most liberal open minded place to live in the US, so we don't really get that many stares since all races and types of people mix here. But I grew up in a farm community so I know what it can be like to have people stare and make comments. It is very uncomfortable and if she doesn't have the same attitude as you it can give her lots of anxiety.

 

Don't call her or say anything else to her. Just let it be.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks. To answer your questions, the only statements I've gotten from friends are high 5s and good jobs cause of how pretty she is (lol). I live in Las Vegas and she works as a pool bartender and as a promotional model at conventions and conferences here.

 

And of course, if a friend of mine made negative statements about me or her, I'll stand up for us. Her claims of my friends talking **** is dubious to begin with. She saw them whispering to each other while looking at us and laughing. But we were at a club. The music is loud. The only way people can talk to each other is to talk into each other's ears and they were probably looking at her cause she was looking at them.

 

Anyways. Valentine's Day passed. Didn't get a text or call from her. Safe to say it's over. Disappointed she decided to end this by ghosting. I feel like we've hung out enough and i have taken her out enough to where a call or text is warranted as a courtesy but it is what it is. I'm unfollowing her on all social media now.

Edited February 15, 2018 by FOBolous

[FOBolous]

You know...i am having a hard time letting this go. this whole situation really pisses me off. I never had a girl ghost me after nearly a month of dating and after she tells me how much she likes me. I want to send her an angry text...something along the lines of telling her this and saying I deserve at least a text and ending it by passive aggressively saying "it is what it is. Good luck with whatever it is you're looking for."

[Versacehottie]

You know...i am having a hard time letting this go. this whole situation really pisses me off. I never had a girl ghost me after nearly a month of dating and after she tells me how much she likes me. I want to send her an angry text...something along the lines of telling her this and saying I deserve at least a text and ending it by passive aggressively saying "it is what it is. Good luck with whatever it is you're looking for."

 

Listen, part of the issue that is yours is that you have to manage your emotions. You actually believe sending that little text is going to hurt her? It's not. It's gonna convince her that she did the right thing. This is a bad idea. Plus you need to work on your impulse control.

 

Instead of having your ego bruised ("i never had a girl ghost me after nearly a month of dating"), why not rise above and look at it like this: why the F would you want a girl who acts like she has acted in your life? convince yourself that you are better than someone who does the things she has done (most people are) and let it go.

 

I just want to tell you honestly what it would be like (for me & most girls that i know who have "moved on" or ghosted) if she received a text like the one you are planning on sending, it would be amusing and laughable. Not hurtful or making an impact. She has her reasons. They may be valid; they may not be but guarantee she believes in them and a passive aggressive text from you will just convince her that you are the unappealing things that she did not want in her life. Repeat again for good measure, rise above. Good luck

[Highndry]

You know...i am having a hard time letting this go. this whole situation really pisses me off. I never had a girl ghost me after nearly a month of dating and after she tells me how much she likes me. I want to send her an angry text...something along the lines of telling her this and saying I deserve at least a text and ending it by passive aggressively saying "it is what it is. Good luck with whatever it is you're looking for."

 

This is a bad idea. Completely ignoring her and moving on is the only way forward. If she does reach out to you in the future, you can have the satisfaction of returning the favor by not responding.

[FOBolous]

Listen, part of the issue that is yours is that you have to manage your emotions. You actually believe sending that little text is going to hurt her? It's not. It's gonna convince her that she did the right thing. This is a bad idea. Plus you need to work on your impulse control.

 

Instead of having your ego bruised ("i never had a girl ghost me after nearly a month of dating"), why not rise above and look at it like this: why the F would you want a girl who acts like she has acted in your life? convince yourself that you are better than someone who does the things she has done (most people are) and let it go.

 

I just want to tell you honestly what it would be like (for me & most girls that i know who have "moved on" or ghosted) if she received a text like the one you are planning on sending, it would be amusing and laughable. Not hurtful or making an impact. She has her reasons. They may be valid; they may not be but guarantee she believes in them and a passive aggressive text from you will just convince her that you are the unappealing things that she did not want in her life. Repeat again for good measure, rise above. Good luck

 

You're right. I'm moving on. Got a date set up with another girl soon. This whole situation was just frustrating. It is what It is.

Edited February 17, 2018 by FOBolous

[act00]

I am going to touch on the fact that your friends were seemingly talking trash about her/you two as a couple. I think this is something worthy of paying attention to, as I have seen this happen, where in front of you, they're very nice, but when you're not around or you can't see them, this is when the nasty gets pulled out towards the significant other. You don't see it and can't fathom this behavior. After all, they gave you high-fives, but it happens. Now this woman seems a bit paranoid and tends to take any glance as a personal slight, so this is probably nothing, but if you have encountered this complaint or commentary in the past, or if in the future, particularly with women of another race or nationality, you need to take these accusations seriously. Maybe these guys were talking about how hot she is, but she saw them as judging your couplehood or her, and a talk with your friends can go a long way about being a little more discrete or watching their behavior. If they are truly being nasty, it will come out. Just a thought.

 

I also agree it's time to drop the rope on her. She seems a bit high strung and volatile, and after three attempts at contact...take a hint. It won't do anything to confront her. Move on and good luck on your date.

[FOBolous]

So I'm weak and incredibly stupid. I cannot understand why she ghosted on me after everything, and I just had to find out. So I texted her and said..."Don't know if you'll respond, but i just have to ask...what happened? We had a fairly good convo about how we felt about each other then you went completely MIA on me and ghosted."

 

Turns out. It was supposedly a big misunderstanding. She thought I ghosted her. Both of us were just too prideful to reach out to the other person. I'm sure her friends were also telling her not to reach out to me, to wait for me to text her, and told her to move on too when i didn't reach out to her on Valentine's Day.

 

So I bought flowers, a box of chocolate, wine, and went over to her place to make up for Valentine's Day and to talk about it hoping maybe to start dating again.

 

Guess what I saw when i went over to her place? Another guy parked in front of her place, going in to get her, and her grabbing reaching for his hands as they walked from her place to his car.

 

And there's me, watching from my car, feeling incredibly stupid. So I waited for them to leave, dropped off what I was going to give her at her front door, send a photo of it to her, and told her to have a good life.

[winny]

She thought I ghosted her. Both of us were just too prideful to reach out to the other person. I'm sure her friends were also telling her not to reach out to me, to wait for me to text her, and told her to move on too when i didn't reach out to her on Valentine's Day.

 

 

Thats a lie.

 

So I bought flowers, a box of chocolate, wine, and went over to her place to make up for Valentine's Day and to talk about it hoping maybe to start dating again.

 

I told you she is flakey but don't listen!!!

 

Guess what I saw when i went over to her place? Another guy parked in front of her place, going in to get her, and her grabbing reaching for his hands as they walked from her place to his car.

 

And there's me, watching from my car, feeling incredibly stupid. So I waited for them to leave, dropped off what I was going to give her at her front door, send a photo of it to her, and told her to have a good life.

 

Sorry this happened but learn your lesson! She ignored you because she met someone else.

[Imajerk17]

So I'm weak and incredibly stupid. I cannot understand why she ghosted on me after everything, and I just had to find out. So I texted her and said..."Don't know if you'll respond, but i just have to ask...what happened? We had a fairly good convo about how we felt about each other then you went completely MIA on me and ghosted."

 

Turns out. It was supposedly a big misunderstanding. She thought I ghosted her. Both of us were just too prideful to reach out to the other person. I'm sure her friends were also telling her not to reach out to me, to wait for me to text her, and told her to move on too when i didn't reach out to her on Valentine's Day.

 

Friend, that is the most common excuse in the book. Especially since her last text to you before this was essentially a blowoff. Anyway, she sucks (and not in the good way) for lying like this.

 

So I bought flowers, a box of chocolate, wine, and went over to her place to make up for Valentine's Day and to talk about it hoping maybe to start dating again.

 

Guess what I saw when i went over to her place? Another guy parked in front of her place, going in to get her, and her grabbing reaching for his hands as they walked from her place to his car.

 

And there's me, watching from my car, feeling incredibly stupid. So I waited for them to leave, dropped off what I was going to give her at her front door, send a photo of it to her, and told her to have a good life.

I take it you showed up at her place univited?

 

In general, "surprising" a woman whom you only went out w a few times and aren't exclusive with, by dropping by her house unannounced, is a bad idea. Yes you did get a much better idea for what really happened but you also invaded her privacy. I'd take that move out of your playbook right away!

 

This girl is indeed flakey and rude and you are better off without her. But, you also could have handled things better yourself, from your missed calls/no vms to her, to a couple frantic texts you sent, to this. You should go back and reread the advice you already got on this thread before.

Edited February 25, 2018 by Imajerk17

[winny]

But, you also could have handled things better yourself, from your missed calls/no vms to her, to a couple frantic texts you sent, to this. You should go back and reread the advice you already got on this thread before.

 

A lot of peoples said lot of things about missed calls and vms, I think that was plain simple over analysis.

 

If I have a missed call from someone I know (especially when its a guy I like), I will at least send a text when I see it to say - "hey sorry I missed your call, will call you back in the evening." or "hey.. saw you called me, I was busy and couldn't pick, we can speak now if you are free.".. Or something like that so that he knows I am not ignoring him or playing games. This is how normal people operate. If anyone doesn't operate like this then they are flakey and rude.

 

When she did not return his calls (3 of them!!!), thats when he should have moved on.

[FOBolous]

so she actually called me. she said she didn't answer me at all on Saturday, because she was sick and resting...which makes sense, because she was on her period and we did drink a lot the night before. My thing is, like Winny said, she should have send a text along the lines of "hey i'm not feeling well. let me ttyl."

 

And she thought my text the next day checking on her well-being is slightly neurotic (as some of the posters here have pointed out), but she shrugged it off cause she likes me.

 

On Valentine's Day, she kept waiting for a call or text that never came. We were supposed to do something when I get off of work (9:30 PM), but when she didn't hear from me, she thought maybe I got stuck at work. Eventually she came to term that, for whatever reason, I flaked on her. So she stayed in that night watching chick flicks.

 

The only reason she could think of as why I never reached out to her was because maybe I found another girl. She eventually accepted that, was hoping to remain friends, and kept waiting for me contact her. I never did.

 

She said she never contacted me, because she's Puerto Rican and Puerto Rican girls are stubborn.

 

She then said she was surprised when she saw my text two weeks later asking "what happened?" cause she thought I had found another girl and ghosted on her.

 

She loved the flowers, wine, and candy. She said the guy I saw at her place picking her up was actually just one of her gay friends and that i was overthinking. However, she does not want to keep dating because the combination of me texting her to check on her well-being and my questioning her about the guy that was picking her up makes me seem "possessive" and she cannot have a possessive boyfriend due to the fact that she works in nightlife.

 

However, she thinks the world of me, asked me to please not cut her out of my life, to stay friends, and invited me over to have a home-cooked Puerto Rican dinner. I declined and told her

 

I really, genuinely like you and it's really unfortunate that a misunderstanding and stubbornness on both of our end played a large part in ruining everything. That being said, I appreciate your offer to remain friends and the home-cooked Puerto Rican meal. I never had PR food before and absolutely would love to try it. However, I can't be friend with you. I told you before, I cannot just be friends with a girl I like. It's just not possible for me.

 

You're an amazing girl *insert her name*. And you're an amazing person. I genuinely believe you will be successful one day (we talked about her goals a lot when we were dating). I had hope I can be there to help you achieve your goals, but it doesn't look like I will have the opportunity to. I hope when you finally settle down with a guy (she's been single for 2 years since she ended things with her fiance that cheated on her), he appreciates you, recognizes how amazing you are, doesn't cheat on you like that *******s, and can help lift you up and help you achieve your dreams.

 

Have a great life, *insert her name*. Glad I had the opportunity to know you. Maybe we can be friends in the future if we ever cross path again. I expect to see you holding your own TED talk one day.

 

She thanked me for my "brutal honesty" and wished me the best.

 

So that's that. I honestly don't feel like i was being "neurotic" or "possessive" in any way. She told me to call her the next day and we were suppose to have dinner with one of my friends that day. She never called me back or texted me back after 3 calls and 3 texts. Common courtesy would have been to call me back or text me back to tell me she's not feeling well. So i don't think it was unreasonable for me to think she ghosted after that day. That simple common courtesy would have kept things from snowballing the way it did.

 

However, she feels like she doesn't need to keep constantly keep me up-to-date with her whereabouts and status.

 

In the end, both of us have different expectations on how the other person should act. I think what she did was rude. She thinks I'm being possessive and needy. No matter how compatible we are and how much fun we have with each other, this one difference unfortunately will keep us from working out long term. Maybe me and her will be better off as friends but I just really, personally, cannot be friends with a girl i like. so. yup.

Edited February 26, 2018 by FOBolous