contel3 Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 I've been with my boyfriend for about half a year now. About a year before we met, he had a thing going on with a foreign girl he met on holidays. Basically, they went on a lot of trips together, but were both free to date other people. They were official for a few weeks, while they stayed with her family for an extended holiday but broke up immediately after. Now, those trips were the only ones my boyfriend took overseas and almost two years later he still talks a lot about it. I think he's trying to make himself look more interesting/well traveled, but tbh it's starting to annoy me. I don't know if I'm being too uptight, but I don't really want to hear holiday anecdotes about/involving an ex. I'm not really interested about the kind of hotel they stayed at or the restaurants they went to, especially since now he's too broke to go on a holiday with me. 1
PegNosePete Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 This is not a new relationship where you have to walk on egg shells for fear of scaring him off! After a year and a half you should be able to just tell him straight. 7
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 This is not a new relationship where you have to walk on egg shells for fear of scaring him off! After a year and a half you should be able to just tell him straight. Amen. I'm not sure why you're not just letting him know straight up you're bothered by it and time for him to create new experiences to brag about. If you can't approach him about something like this, I fear you'll never be able to discuss bigger issues. Communicate. 2
carhill Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 So, OP, he was open about his relationship history and has been dating you six months. I presume this other person is a long ways away and they have zero contact but apparently he has some good memories of his time. Perhaps this is a young thing, territoriality. My experience as an older man having LTRs and getting married was, well, girlfriends and spouses had pasts, they loved other people, they had sex with them, made babies with them, on and on. It wasn't torture or servitude, rather some really good times in their lives. Occasionally they'd share some of those times, not focusing on the ex but on history and their feelings about themselves and the experiences. It also wasn't uncommon to meet ex'es when dating or being married, especially if the lady was co-parenting with one. All part of life. Myself, if a woman sought to deny me the expression of memories of my life and experiences she'd be out of my house so fast her head would spin but that's me. I don't tolerate that kind of thought and expression control. That's part of why I live alone now. Life's too short and I want to live it to the full. I remember when our MC asked me if I want to be right or in a relationship. My response was I want to be me. Screw all that conforming to others BS. You have your own path. I wish you well. 4
smackie9 Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 Opinions may vary. In the 28 years with my husband, we both talk very little about our exes because we both wanted to move forward and make our own fond memories. I guess that's why we are such a match because we can't be bothered to drum up the past, or past experiences in great details. Have a conversation with him about it. Nothing wrong maybe mentioning something if it pertains the the conversation you or others are having with him, but to sit there and go on and on about it...let face it...it's time to move on and talk about other things. If he needs to reminisce in detail about all these wonderful memories, he can tell a coworker or a buddy. I get it....it makes you feel he is still stuck in the past, and isn't focusing on you and the life you want to build with him. Like it's his only pleasure...really enjoyed his time with his ex, and you are in competition with that. No one likes to be in that position....it really deflates you.
lurker74 Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 Like others said, talk to him. But for my money, there's a difference between talking about a trip and talking about your time with an ex on a trip. Here's an analogy for you...if I were dating you, at some point I'd like to know what you like in bed. I would understand that you would base most of those preferences on previous experiences. However, I would NOT like to hear, "This one guy used to do this amazing swirl with his tongue and..." Tongue swirl = OK The guy who taught you to like it = TMI Trip to Barcelona = OK The romantic dinner he had with Jill at Cafe de l'Opera = TMI 4
carhill Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 OP, here's a couple more things which came to mind after writing my first response and then re-reading your OP. I noted this thread from you last July where you speak of admiring a man and ask how and share you're 'bad' at compliments: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/631253-how-make-guy-feel-admired Then I re-read this passage in this thread: I don't know if I'm being too uptight, but I don't really want to hear holiday anecdotes about/involving an ex. I'm not really interested about the kind of hotel they stayed at or the restaurants they went to, especially since now he's too broke to go on a holiday with me. My question is two-fold; one, every culture is different regarding ex'es. In some it all flows together, in others ex'es are treated like the dead and buried, in others a mix. How does that go for you? Two, do you admire this guy? Respect him? Why or why not? What I noticed when being married was how feelings influenced perception. You say this guy is 'broke'. In your culture, is him being broke a degrading condition for a male to be in, one where he loses face and respect from all? How do you feel about that? I think this is more complex than him droning on about some places he went to in the past with an ex. I presume you're with the same guy as when you penned that thread last July. If other, advise.
kendahke Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 Now, those trips were the only ones my boyfriend took overseas and almost two years later he still talks a lot about it. I think he's trying to make himself look more interesting/well traveled, but tbh it's starting to annoy me. Is he specifically saying "When my ex and I went to blah blah blah", or is he saying "When I was there, blah blah blah..?" There is a huge difference. But if it's bothering you that much, speak up and say something. Don't be the "silent irate"--just sitting there, stewing and driving up your own blood pressure with resentment. That affects no one but you. I'd let that resentment go because it has already started poisoning your relationship's well. 2
Author contel3 Posted February 13, 2018 Author Posted February 13, 2018 My question is two-fold; one, every culture is different regarding ex'es. In some it all flows together, in others ex'es are treated like the dead and buried, in others a mix. How does that go for you? Two, do you admire this guy? Respect him? Why or why not? What I noticed when being married was how feelings influenced perception. You say this guy is 'broke'. In your culture, is him being broke a degrading condition for a male to be in, one where he loses face and respect from all? How do you feel about that? It depends. We're both from mixed backgrounds so...I really don't know. I don't mind knowing a bit about exes, I don't like having them around or mentioned on the regular too much though. Of course I respect him. No you don't lose face or respect. For me it makes no difference, really. He has great work ethic and loves his job...that's what matters.
Author contel3 Posted February 13, 2018 Author Posted February 13, 2018 (edited) Is he specifically saying "When my ex and I went to blah blah blah", or is he saying "When I was there, blah blah blah..?" There is a huge difference. Actually it's both. Sometimes he'll say quite interesting stuff but then finishes the story by telling me about her intimate piercings. I did talk to him about it, and he stopped explicitly mentioning her but as you mentioned I feel resentful and now I don't even want him mentioning his trip. He often says that he feels nostalgic about that time of his life because things were so carefree. As another poster mentioned, it makes me feel like he doesn't enjoy his time with me that much. Edited February 13, 2018 by contel3
salparadise Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 As another poster mentioned, it makes me feel like he doesn't enjoy his time with me that much. If you require him to censor what he thinks and speaks, then I’d say it’s pretty likely that he doesn’t enjoy his time with you that much. Nobody wants to have to tippy toe around, editing out previous life experiences, trying to prevent an overly sensitive person from blowing a gasket. Let him have his experiences as long as he isn’t going on and on about the ex inappropriately. Have you heard of the book entitled “Stop Walking On Eggshells?”
smackie9 Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 OP I think your BF is a bit short sighted. He doesn't know how to put himself in other people's shoes and see their perspective. He may have good work ethic, but that's because he's thinking about himself and wants to be respected, not to show that he wants to be a good provider for his future wife and children. See what I mean......it's where his head is at. Can he adjust down the road? Who knows. Maybe he doesn't have that mindset for full emotional commitment. 1
kendahke Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 Actually it's both. Sometimes he'll say quite interesting stuff but then finishes the story by telling me about her intimate piercings. He often says that he feels nostalgic about that time of his life because things were so carefree. As another poster mentioned, it makes me feel like he doesn't enjoy his time with me that much. Don't make that about you, because it's not. Yeah--he's at that age where the reality of what being an adult actually means is in conflict with how he'd prefer to be: not responsible for much in the way of providing for his life (when he's come from a paradigm of everything being provided by parents). We all were carefree when mom and dad were providing the housing, food, electricity, medical insurance, car/gas and clothing---but we all have to grow up and be adults and be responsible for our lives. 1
winny Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 This is not a new relationship where you have to walk on egg shells for fear of scaring him off! After a year and a half you should be able to just tell him straight. she said 6 months not 1.5 years.
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 You need to tell him that it bothers you. Some talk about EXs just happens. The other day my husband & I were talking about fettuccini alfredo & I had to say that my EX made the best alfredo sauce ever . . . he had to mush the butter & the cheese together with his hands it was so rich. Somebody else in the conversation told me I was awful for mentioning an EX to my husband. My husband laughed & said D0nnvain wants the guy's sauce & so do I. Nobody wants the EX Talk to your BF about how to tell stories about the places without mentioning his travel companion. 1
Popsicle Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 It sounds to me like he's just having wanderlust and engaging in reminiscing about his past adventures is the only way at the moment that he can experience those good feelings. I recommend you plan a trip together with him asap and make it adventurous. Travel with him and have fun.
Popsicle Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 Don't make that about you, because it's not. Yeah--he's at that age where the reality of what being an adult actually means is in conflict with how he'd prefer to be: not responsible for much in the way of providing for his life (when he's come from a paradigm of everything being provided by parents). We all were carefree when mom and dad were providing the housing, food, electricity, medical insurance, car/gas and clothing---but we all have to grow up and be adults and be responsible for our lives. Yes. Adulting is so boring. OP, If you have no money to travel, then tell him he's going to have stop talking about his past adventures with another woman to you. Let me keep those thoughts to himself.
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