Els Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 Thanks all for your replies. Unfortunately my GF does not have many outside interests or family/friends. She has had a tough time and a 'bad' family so she is very much alone (except for her dog of 11 years). We do have different views on this: I say if I had free evenings and she was not available then I would cherish the down time for reading, TV or friends or opportunity to find/develop new interests and hobbies. She has options to do this (we have a good local town with lots going on) but she takes the view that she should be my priority WHENEVER I am off work. This whole togetherness subject has been magnified because we lived together temporarily for a few months when she had to move home in a hurry so I let her stay with me) while she sorted her plans. Last weekend, she has just moved out into her own apartment, and I've stayed where I am. I'm not ready to give up my independence and I believe it will be good for our relationship if we (she) finds contentment in ourselves (herself) before we take the plunge and live together. I think she is scared to be alone, even though deep down she isn't happy with my (lack of) commitment level as she sees it. Of course, we may just grow apart. But either way, I think its for the best. It's entirely possible that she has issues of her own that are exacerbating the situation. However, the truth is that there are very few PEOPLE who would be okay with voluntarily seeing their partner once a week after being together for a year, and continuing for the indefinite future. If there was an unavoidable reason like long distance or such, it would be more acceptable, but even then there usually has to be an end date. Why are you against the suggestion that casual dating might be more up your alley?
kendahke Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 It also could be that this relationship has run its course and is over except for the breaking up. This can be worked on ONLY if she agrees that she needs to compromise on and rein in her expectations. Neither of them are wrong in what they want. Given what he has stated about each of their wants, they are wrong for each other. She needs something OP cannot provide and has told her. My answer would be different if he hadn't said a word to her at all, but he has. She knows the parameters in which she has to work if she wants to be with him. She either accepts them or she bounces. His work schedule isn't going to change. He's not old enough to retire, so he has to provide for himself with a job. His job has crazy hours. He wants time to himself to handle his life. He's in his mid 50's and jobs that pay you enough to support yourself are hard to come by once you hit this age, so he's not going to be quitting it or any other fantasy that may end up with him losing his job. So that is the "what is" going on with him. "What I wished would be" is for storytime. Not all relationships are supposed to work out. 2
Els Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 His work schedule isn't going to change. He's not old enough to retire, so he has to provide for himself with a job. His job has crazy hours. He wants time to himself to handle his life. He's in his mid 50's and jobs that pay you enough to support yourself are hard to come by once you hit this age, so he's not going to be quitting it or any other fantasy that may end up with him losing his job. So that is the "what is" going on with him. "What I wished would be" is for storytime. Not all relationships are supposed to work out. Indeed, but there are ways in which people who work long hours are able to spend more time with their partners if they want to (which do not involve quitting their job!). He is not interested in any of them and has vetoed moving in together, even though they have been together long enough for it to be reasonably considered. He also wants to spend even MORE time apart than they already do. This isn't really just about work, IMO. 3
kendahke Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 Indeed, but there are ways in which people who work long hours are able to spend more time with their partners if they want to (which do not involve quitting their job!) And he doesn't. So that is what they both work with. Not all relationships are supposed to work out. 1
newyorker11356 Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 Indeed, but there are ways in which people who work long hours are able to spend more time with their partners if they want to (which do not involve quitting their job!). He is not interested in any of them and has vetoed moving in together, even though they have been together long enough for it to be reasonably considered. He also wants to spend even MORE time apart than they already do. This isn't really just about work, IMO. Definitely agreed.
Miss Spider Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 IDK if it’s normal, but I feel you. Olive is right that you’ll find it a struggle finding someone compatible with the amount of alone time you like. Anyway, you’re not compatible with this one.
Whodatdog Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 Daily!??? That would drive me nuts lol. I hate the phone almost as much as I hate having no time to myself. Yes, daily. We are business partners. 99% of the conversations are about 2 minutes long If that), and all about the business.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 Yes, daily. We are business partners. 99% of the conversations are about 2 minutes long If that), and all about the business. Oh, ok. Well that is different than just "checkin' in" . 1
Author dangerous Posted February 15, 2018 Author Posted February 15, 2018 To be clear, I don't put her on hold until the weekend. Although I work Monday through Thursday eves, I have Friday eve off and all weekend, so we spend time together. Additionally, I sometimes have a few hours in the middle of the day and so at least once during the week, I visit her near her workplace for lunch. In addition to this difference of outlook on our weekly time, the significant development for me is the way she moved out quickly to her own place, with no real notice or consultation with me before the decision made, and so I do question her loyalty and volatility. As to my previous 'like' about therapy, I have NO doubt that my GF has significant self esteem issues (long term) and has been unable to stabilise herself. A big reason I did not jump into moving with her is that I think she needs to 'find herself' on her own. This last week, living separately, has made me seriously question our compatibility and whether I a prepared to put up with her dramas and demands. And yes, a lot of this is about me, and standing my ground on what I really want in a relationship.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 15, 2018 Posted February 15, 2018 IMO you both are not meeting each others expectations. Yes a compromise is needed BUT is this going to be suitable for the long haul? If your hours don't change, I don't see this lasting much longer. She's already complaining about not seeing you enough already....now you want me time on top of that. I totally agree. I could understand if she wanted you 24/7 to herself, that would be a bit much. My bf and I only see each other on weekdays and holidays (if we have them off), we always do things together, we never ask for alone time. Maybe you aren't into her as much she is into you? I'd be frustrated if I only got to see my bf a couple times a week and on top of that, he would want days to himself.
Miss Spider Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 (edited) This thread got me thinking...though it may not be applicable to OP, somewhere down the line, there’s a degree of introversion that makes romantic relationships borderline impossible. It’s a lot less than friendship, since with friends time is usually partitioned and they are fine seeing you less often. So many people gauge romantic interest from their partner by the time they share with them and have an expectation that their life will one day be merged with their romantic partner. Edited February 16, 2018 by Cookiesandough
joseb Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 To be clear, I don't put her on hold until the weekend. Although I work Monday through Thursday eves, I have Friday eve off and all weekend, so we spend time together. Additionally, I sometimes have a few hours in the middle of the day and so at least once during the week, I visit her near her workplace for lunch. This sounds like you are already doing plenty and giving her most of your free time. In addition to this difference of outlook on our weekly time, the significant development for me is the way she moved out quickly to her own place, with no real notice or consultation with me before the decision made, and so I do question her loyalty and volatility. This last week, living separately, has made me seriously question our compatibility and whether I a prepared to put up with her dramas and demands. And yes, a lot of this is about me, and standing my ground on what I really want in a relationship. Yes, I get the feeling it may just be running it's course, especially if the bolded is an honest assessment. I don't know if you need to make a decision immediately, but I think you may be already on that path. This may just not be a good match. Regarding work, is it possible to cut your hours a bit, or are you pretty much contracted to work those hours? As I get older, I know time is precious, and i've stopped playing office politics and wont work an hour past what I'm obligated to. TBH I get just as much done as I ever did. I know if you are blue collar, it's probably a different story.
Gaeta Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 To be clear, I don't put her on hold until the weekend. Although I work Monday through Thursday eves, I have Friday eve off and all weekend, so we spend time together. Additionally, I sometimes have a few hours in the middle of the day and so at least once during the week, I visit her near her workplace for lunch. This is a lot of time, more than many couples, what more does she want? Even if you lived togehter you wouldn't see each other more.
introverted1 Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 Where are all these guys who need alone time in real life? All I meet are extroverted men who want to be glued at the hip. Sigh - no justice! OP, I think your requirements are totally reasonable, but I recognize that I am in a minority here. Hope you can find a balance that works. 2
Author dangerous Posted February 16, 2018 Author Posted February 16, 2018 Today we met for a drink, after a week of living apart. My GF has picked up that I've been distant ( I have felt numb emotionally). She summarised that I don't trust her anymore, her volatility. I agreed with her that we are wasting our time as we are both in our 50's and not convinced that this relationship is right, or can be fixed. Sadly, we've gone back to our respective houses and the distancing will begin. I feel a mix of sadness and relief tonight. She is a lovely woman but we have too many differences. Some alone time will do me good (and probably her too).
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 16, 2018 Posted February 16, 2018 Today we met for a drink, after a week of living apart. My GF has picked up that I've been distant ( I have felt numb emotionally). She summarised that I don't trust her anymore, her volatility. I agreed with her that we are wasting our time as we are both in our 50's and not convinced that this relationship is right, or can be fixed. Sadly, we've gone back to our respective houses and the distancing will begin. I feel a mix of sadness and relief tonight. She is a lovely woman but we have too many differences. Some alone time will do me good (and probably her too). Awww, sorry, Dangerous. I get the feeling of sadness mixed with relief. Be kind to yourself this weekend. 1
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 I am very sorry Dangerous. I have a feeling she would never have been happy no matter what. Take care good care, things will get better soon. 2
Happy Lemming Posted February 17, 2018 Posted February 17, 2018 "Women are like buses. If you miss one there is always another on the way in 15 minutes"- Author Unknown Look at this as an opportunity to find someone more compatible with you and your time restraints. NEXT!! 1
Author dangerous Posted November 26, 2019 Author Posted November 26, 2019 Despite my last post, we tried, and tried to make this work. My GF has definitely issues and her temper tantrums, outbursts and dramas were cyclical and astonishingly, I kept in the relationship. Eventually this summer we both agreed we cannot resolve our differences, the main one being that she would "create" whenever she didn't get her own way. She conceded that she has anger issues (and alcohol excess) which she needs to deal with. As it was a mutual agreement, we said we'd try to remain as friends. However, 3 months have passed, she immediately went on multiple dates (no healing/dealing time). Furthermore, she has publicly declared on facebook that her current man (2 months) is her "soulmate". unfortunately, she has attacked me both indirectly (on FB) and directly (by lengthy texts) despite no provocation by me. I had hoped we could have been friends but clearly not. I have my suspicions as to how her new life will go but for me its onwards and not looking back. I know that she was not good for me, and I am well rid of the relationship, and I will now need to block her from contacting me, but I wanted to conclude this thread with this update. 1
OpenBook Posted November 26, 2019 Posted November 26, 2019 for me its onwards and not looking back. Yeah, no kidding! Who needs it? That one is definitely DONE. Aren't you glad you didn't end up living with her or marrying her? That was a close call. 1
kendahke Posted November 26, 2019 Posted November 26, 2019 (edited) an oldie I see Edited November 26, 2019 by kendahke
vla1120 Posted November 26, 2019 Posted November 26, 2019 I definitely need my alone time, so I understand. I also understand how hard it is to fit everything into your schedule when there are so many demands on your time. It sounds like your gf is making her boredom your problem. If she is not happy with the time she spends alone because you are at work, she should go out to a meetup website, find some local groups who share her interests, and start making a life for herself. I like the calendar idea. Tell her there is nothing you can do to change the situation right now, but you are willing to schedule time in the future so she knows exactly when to expect to see you (while still leaving time aside for yourself.) Anything outside of that, if she cannot accept, then you are not compatible. Good luck!
vla1120 Posted November 26, 2019 Posted November 26, 2019 Thanks, Elaine. I really need to look at the dates once in awhile!! 1
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