unsafe Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 Right now I am trying to cope with a situation I never thought I would be in. I was friends with this guy gor 2 years. He pursued me about 4 months ago. He did a damn good job I tell you because I fell for him and hard. After about a month I was convienced he was it. Since we had been friends so a couple years I felt like I knew him so well and our romantic chemistry was so strong or at least I thought it was. After two months after dating he started to flake on me. Say he would come to comething with me and at the last minutes call and have some excuse why he couldn't make it. I was like maybe he is just not that into me. So I cut contact with him. But he came back and said that was not what he wanted I was what he wanted and he hadn't been happier in a long long time. So I thought maybe he is just flaky or maybe he doesn't like my friends. Because he would always flake when I asked him out to go with my friends somewhere. Things got weird for awhile. 2 weeks went by and never called just imed me. I was like what the hell is going on. We had planned a vacation together so we went. While we were there I asked if he was seeing anyone else and if he was it was ok. but he denied denied denied. He said I was what he wanted and that if I am distant he will be distant. I was being distant because i was scared of what he was really interested in. But I thought he likes me. Things got much much better. I am not even sure why I liked him. As time went on I was not liking anything about him maybe it was the chase something I couldn't have. I loved his friends they were my friends and that was the way of it before he and I ever dated. I feel so happy and alive with them. They are fu and interesting and very clever people. They are hard to find. People will great imaginations. Great humor. Anyway the past month was suppose to go to vegas with me and my friends and while I was on my way he called to say he had to work and wouldn't be able to make it. Then he took me to dinner to try to make up for and told me that his friend is 1st always and I am second. I was like what the hell and where is this coming from. So I told myself I had to stop thinking this wa a serious thing. But my heart wanted it and I don't even know why because everything that was coming out of his mouth and everything he did bugged me. He finally flaked on me for the last time. Last weekend i was going out to celebrate my moms birthday and he was suppose to come but he found something better to do and didn't come. then he had the nerve to expect me to drive up to see him and party with his friends. I said NO. he said ok and to call him later. But I never did. I thought he would get the hint wa over it. Yesterday he imes me telling me he knows I wasn't happy with the relationship and we should just be friends. I said yes. But then I took it back saying well its over but I can't be friends. I feel like he treated me with no respect and didn't have the nerve to just be cool about things and tell me it wasn't working out long ago when he probablt wanted to end it. He said some hurtful things but I tried not to let it get to me. Then in the end he was telling me he knew that I wasn't the one that didn't want this relationship to work out from the very biginning. That this is ALL my fault and I need to come to terms with it and deal with it. I blocked him from my buddie list. I was like who is this guy. He treats me like crap, flakes on me very chance he gets barely calls...gets real distant and I am the one that doesn't want this I am the one to Blame? Now i know I am not. But what a child of a guy to say such things to me. I guess he couldn't just come to terms with it himself. But I am hurting, I have anxiety. I will miss my friends in the 909. They were the best. and just because I tried out a relationship that sucked anyway I have to walk away. Its not healthy anyway...but it hurts. Why does this happen to me? I guess maybe I feel like why wouldn't he like me I am a great girl. I have a lot to offer. But I bought that book he is just not that into you. Maybe next time I will be able to recognize it before its to late.
At Peace Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 It's great that you got out of a destructive relationship. Now I don't understand why you can't keep up the friendships you established. A. If they are worthy of your friendship they will be mature enough to maintain contact with you without bringing this guy up in the conversation. Afterall are they out of high school this group. B. Friends aren't property. You can suggest gather without mentioning this nut. And if you can't then maybe they are not worth having as friends.
NewLee40 Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 The "not into you" book, is good, but I'm not sure it addresses your situation completely. Especially because in the beginning he totally set out to win you over. You allowed yourself to fall in love with him because he appeared to be completely and totally into you. The "into you book" in future similar situations would not help you because these guys are masters at "into you. Unfortunately, the whole "catch and release" game is totally unfair to the prey. Its happened to me on a couple of occasions and you just never see it coming. I think the whole key is to just respect yourself and your boundaries in a relationship and when a guy starts to flake, recognize THAT sooner and don't give him too many chances. This type of guy is a master marketer, and as all marketing geniuses know, you have to find a way to create a NEED for the product that the person didn't even know they wanted. He SOLD you on HIMSELF. Whatever you do, don't internalize this bull**** he's feeding you trying to turn it all around to being your fault. You were played. Your thread title made me think of the book that was written after the "not into you" book, which is entitled, "Face it, You're Not That Into Him Either." The author addresses the fact that the whole "not into you" theory places all the power with the man and not with the woman. Why is it that smart, intelligent women continue to pine for guys who aren't all that, who they probably don't even like? Maybe this would be a better reading for you at this time.
Author unsafe Posted August 30, 2005 Author Posted August 30, 2005 He e-mailed me today. He said that he was sorry things turned out this way and that I probably wont believe him but he never meant to hurt me. That is he is here and he wants me to know this. Does he want me back, does he just miss me? or does he realize he was being an ass? I guess it doesn't matter. I wish things were different but I can't trust someone to be my friend when they couldn't even be straight forward and honest with me when I was suppose to be their girlfriend. I just replied back and said Thanks. I have nothing else to say. And first off he didn't break my heart. Its not like I am over hear crying none stop. I figured out he was a jerk before he really gave it to me. Now i just know for sure.
NewLee40 Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 You did the right thing. It is so hard not to project my own situation on you because that's all I have for apoint of reference. But, based on MY experience and the experiences I've been reading about on LS, you just did yourself the biggest favor of your life. You will never truly know just WHAT you've done for yourself, but that's a blessing - believe me. If you ever question it, just go peruse the forum and look at all the people who have been through similar things. See how it all starts with some guy walking away in a totally cruel way (a wimpy email, dropping contact with no explanation, cheating, etc...) Then, see how the guy (and I refer to "guys" because I'm a girl and I deal with guys, but girls do it, too). comes back again and the gal is left wondering, "what does this mean?" Because, you see, he won't give her a clue to what it really means. He's just jerking the line to see if you are on it. He wants YOU to tell HIM how much you miss him. The word sorry isn't really an apology, its just a way to make you soften to him. He may even lull you into this false sense of "well, maybe we can be friends." Then he tries to bed you and you AGAIN think this actually MEANS something. You find out it doesn't mean a damn thing....and you go through this scene or one like it a million times and you start to hate yourself for being such a patsy. Ok, I"m not bitter! whew.... Moral of the story. If a guy can't break it off with you like a man the first time, that's the biggest and most important red flag at all. Don't ever look back. I wish I'd been as smart as you.
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