Who do I choose - love or money?

[wolves]

Mods, I'm not too sure if this is supposed to be in dating, marriage or other man/woman. Its a bit messy... please feel free to move where its best fitted.

 

tl;dr: I don't know which man to choose, and I am having trouble distinguishing between love, passion, boredom and success in my head. I need help. I feel like I'm torn between a choice of love and a choice of practical/fiscal. This is written kind of... emotionlessly. I truly hope it doesn't seem too cold... I've been mulling this over for 18 months now and I'm so exhausted from the constantly changing situation and flip-flopping decisions that I'm literally down to listing out the facts.

 

About me: I'm 26 years old, and I've been very fortunate in life. Mum was a single parent who went to the ends of the earth to ensure I had everything I needed. I didn't get into any debt, and I secured a good job when I turned 19. I've been in that same role since and I'm on a good income. I haven't lived alone since moving in with....

 

Option 1/boyfriend of 6 years: X and I started dating when I turned 20, a year after I'd left a tumultuous going-nowhere relationship of two years. There was nothing romantic about it - we started off sleeping together, 4 months later he suggested we date, and here we are 6 years later.

 

We grew our careers significantly together, living in a dingy apartment for the majority of the relationship before embarking on building our dream home on an acreage (almost complete) so I can keep my horses at home and he has lots of space to shoot/work on his cars, etc. To afford this, he started working away. We see each other for roughly 3 months out of a year. He is on 150k+ a year for this role. He is 30 years old, no baggage, and takes care of everything - he doesn't spoil me or lavish me, but he pays for the house, the rental, all the bills - all the boring adult things. In turn I can afford luxuries and pleasures like the gym, hair, my horses etc. He's nice enough to me but we have had some real knock down drag out fights in the past. He went on anti-depressants 2 years ago and remains on them now. We don't 'date', I don't look forward to seeing him when he flies home, and we have no fun together. I'm educated and he dropped out of high school/never read a book in his life, but I can't fault his work ethic.

 

Sex is incredibly important to me. We haven't kissed in 4 years (he "doesn't like it") and the sex is quick and mechanical. He will finish then roll over, apologise for it being so quick and fall asleep. I've tried everything from lingerie to kinky choices to sending sexy photos and engaging in phone/text sex while he's at work with no change... he simply doesn't want to engage in it with me. Oral sex (for me) is completely off the table.

 

I could understand it for a while. One year I got fat... I was depressed, stuck in a rut and frustrated with the lack of sex plus a desk job and quickly piled on 50lbs. I lost it all in 2016 and take very, very good care of myself and a lot of pride in it now.

 

His family and mine are on completely different wavelengths and don't really get along too well. His friends don't know me at all, and mine don't like X at all since in all this time, the most effort they've gotten from him was "she's inside the house."

 

X is NOT a bad guy. He's just... a very poor fit for me as a satisfactory partner. We have no common interests, no common friends... the only commonality we have is the house we both dreamed of. In arguments we have both admitted the only reason we are in this relationship is because we are good business partners.

 

2015 things were going... okay... until I found his search history on his phone when Googling something... which lead to a slippery slope of him having sex with prostitutes and soliciting women on Tinder while he was away. I confronted him and he promised it would never happen again. I sort of understood considering how fat I'd gotten and that was the drive to lose the weight and improve. But I didn't really... forgive him. Just kept the peace and didn't argue/hound him. We got along okay and things seemed to look up a bit once I lost the weight until I met...

 

Option 2/affair partner: Y is 13 years my elder, and lives in a whole 'nother country. Married with 2 kids, now divorcing. We've spent a lot of time together in the last 2 years IRL (in the USA) and fell madly in love. Now that he's divorcing, he's suggesting I finally cut my ties of my unhappy, child-free relationship and come live with him. The divorce is amicable.

 

I would LOVE to be with this man. He's a wonderful fit for me, my friends and family have met him and adore him, and think we're a great fit. Job prospects are good where he lives and the call of adventure (move to a whole new country in a WONDERFUL part of it, a city I've dreamed of and loved since I went there the first time) - but the little practical things bother me.

 

Y's character is solid, and he is financially... sound. He doesn't own his own place, but has a good income and good savings. It'd be a HUGE step down from what I'm used to, and the idea of letting go of home ownership for an apartment/rental again makes my stomach churn. I would have to continue working and have to give up the horses... and gardening... and all the things that currently bring me joy in my sad, dull relationship. I don't know if the happiness I feel with Y cancels out the things I've found to keep me distracted from how unhappy I am with X.

 

Sex is awesome, conversation is daily, support is consistent and he's never promised anything he hasn't kept. It has been an every-day thing punctuated with me visiting him when I go overseas. I could see myself marrying this man and if he was single... I don't think I would hesitate. As far as affairs go, its been very realistic with no future faking, until he actually stepped up and left her. This man is divorcing regardless of who/what I choose to do. He is an absolute sweetheart and I fully believe would be a fantastic relationship once the tides settle.

 

I caught X with more Tinder/prostitute hookups early this year. I didn't care... and frankly looked at it as leverage as, of course, I'd been involved in this affair. I let him know I found out and since then he's back in the pattern of buying me off/being sweet again to keep me around.

 

I spent four years out of 6 in a miserable relationship pouring my heart into this house. Everything is EXACTLY what I wanted, no money spared... and then I think... who the heck am I going to share it with? Spend most of the year alone with a limited social circle since my partner doesn't like my friends and his won't engage with me? I think about marrying X and my stomach churns. I think of marrying Y and I feel elated to marry someone I'd consider my best friend. Little things... once X was caught with his paid lovers, he tried to buy me off with an engagement ring. He showed me the one he thought I'd like - a gaudy, gold, huge-diamonded expensive... monstrosity. This man has been with me for 6 years and has never seen me wear any jewellery let alone something like that. Y chose a small, understated and very subtle ring which perfectly matches my preferences... little things to show who has been paying attention.

 

I'm not sure if I'll regret becoming a childless step-mother to two very young boys at my age (I love kids and am perfectly willing and capable, but will I regret it?) He wants to make me a mother which I want very very badly.

 

I'm just... lost. I don't know if I'm supposed to think with my heart or my head. Its not like Y is irresponsible or broke... but letting go of what I have here is terribly difficult. The thought of raising children with X makes me feel sick. I could have a wonderful material life with X, or risk it all for an adventure of love and marriage with Y. How much fiscal support is reasonable? How much do you compromise? Is staying with X "settling".... hell, is choosing to be with Y settling because his situation isn't perfect?

 

I'm spoiled for choice and completely unprepared to make a good decision. I feel completely paralysed with so much... option. I don't know how to live on my own two feet anymore and I have no idea what is normal, acceptable or healthy here. Please help.

Edited February 12, 2018 by wolves
spelling + more info

[MaleIntuition]

Uhm. Being blunt here. Your current BF is a cheater, your lover is a cheater, and you are a cheater? If I got that one right? I’m not a fan.

 

You mentioned education? But are you working? Unless you want to spend the rest of your life, dependent on the whims of somebody else, starting to provide for yourself would be a good start. Sure, there are many ways to happiness and there have been numerous of studies suggesting that, although there is a link between wealth and happiness - it normally follows the principles of diminishing returns (more wealth does not equal more happiness after a certain point).

[snowboy91]

I understand that you're getting a lot of perks from being with your BF (the house, horses, luxuries, etc.) But he's a cheater, and a poor fit for you (your words!). There is little in the way of intimacy. Are all those financial perks really worth all that misery? I'd think of it this way: These perks are coming at a cost. Not a money cost, but the cost of your happiness and fulfilment in a relationship. Your BF is paying the money, but you're paying with your wellbeing.

 

I'm assuming your income isn't enough to support that lifestyle you're used to... but there may be room to improve on that. You've been in the same job for 7 (ish) years, perhaps you can do further education or search for a new, better job? Just because you'll lose that lifestyle now doesn't mean you can't get it back later in life... and because you've worked for it yourself, it is so much more fulfilling!

 

Stay with your BF and the status quo will remain. You've made the effort, he hasn't responded. Go for this new guy... and you have a chance at happiness, despite being poorer financially.

 

FWIW some of the happiest times in my life so far were when I was the least well off. As they say, there's no point being the richest person in the cemetery...