Nothingtolose Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Hi everyone, I ended my 3 year relationship back in September, but we had a bit of back and forth, and I finally told him I needed to go NC to heal, and now we haven't had any contact in 20 days. Our relationship was extremely problematic. My ex was a stoner, also drank most nights, was dismissive of my feelings and even verbally abusive during fights, didn't help me around the house when we lived together, was lazy, unmotivated and with no goals in life. On the other hand, he was very funny/charming, and we had amazing sexual chemistry (it's definitely what kept us together for 3 years - 4.5 if you count the time we were casual). I've been doing online dating, more so as a distraction/fun thing, as I knew I needed more time to heal from my break up. However, 2 weeks ago I ended up meeting an amazing guy. He's thoughtful, considerate, offered to help me with my house move after one date (to which I said no, but he ended up coming over and helping me put a couple of things together - showed up with a toolbox and all). He messages, tells me he wants to see me, wants to facetime with me even this week while he's away with some friends, doesn't push for sex. He wants marriage, kids, has a career, loves to travel, doesn't play games, isn't afraid to show how he feels. We've had 4 dates so far and they've all been really nice, he's also quite an attractive guy. So far I haven't been able to spot any real red flags, though I know we're still getting to know each other and it's fairly early. The only problem is that I know I still love my ex. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the break up, my ex wasn't willing to change and I deserve better than how I was treated, it was absolutely the right decision. My brain understands all this, yet I still miss him, and have some days when I feel extremely sad that we couldn't make it work. He wanted to get back together early this year, but after hanging out a few times I saw nothing had changed, and had to cut him off for my own sake. I want to give this guy a real shot, but he's moving at a faster pace than I'm comfortable with. He's not super pushy by any means, and I told him I want to take it slow, but I can tell he wants commitment and I wonder if it's a bad idea to give him that when I'm still healing from the loss of my relationship. At the same time, I do enjoy the time we spend together, and find that I like him more with every date, so I believe that I will get there and be ready, I just need a little more time. I also want to get to know him better, as the last thing I want is to fall into a trap and get my heart broken again. How do I keep things light? I want to place some boundaries around how often we meet and stuff like that, just for the sake of going slow at the beginning, but I worry that might be perceived as game playing. Thoughts?
MaleIntuition Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I really need to step up my game and buy a bigger toolbox. (Also I should learn how to use tools.) I keep reading about things like this, that to me feels waaay to try-hard but, hey, seems to work. Or is it just because this guy is the total opposite from your previous bf? My first advice would be to not date, at least not seriously, until you are ready. But it’s a bit to late for that. I think you should be honest with this guy, let him know that you are high risk and that it’s possible that he is your rebound. He deserves to know what he is getting himself into.
newyorker11356 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I really need to step up my game and buy a bigger toolbox. (Also I should learn how to use tools.) I keep reading about things like this, that to me feels waaay to try-hard but, hey, seems to work. Or is it just because this guy is the total opposite from your previous bf? My first advice would be to not date, at least not seriously, until you are ready. But it’s a bit to late for that. I think you should be honest with this guy, let him know that you are high risk and that it’s possible that he is your rebound. He deserves to know what he is getting himself into. This. Let him know. At the very least, he deserves that much, and he'll know where to stand and how to proceed.
SpecialJ Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 (edited) I wouldn't tell him he's possibly your rebound. I'd say you want to make sure he ISN'T a rebound (because you like him and don't want to screw it up), which means you need time before you get into a new relationship. If he is as good of a guy as he seems, he'll respect your boundaries when you express them. Don't move faster than you know you're comfortable with at the beginning because it will almost certainly cause you issues later on. Edited February 12, 2018 by SpecialJ 2
Miss Spider Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 (edited) I understand how you feel and wow you described my experience, down to the ex, last year or so. Yes, it lasted well over a year, but now I'm over it. But during that period I had met lots of guys who were on paper way better than my ex, but I still wanted him each time I left. Can't say we want what's good for us. Anyway, I feel like most of the time when things like this work out it's because one person went ' but they're so nice' and compromised on the spark. The guy looks great on paper but he's not doing it for you for you exactly,, for some reason (perhaps because you still hold a torch for ex)Go ahead and tell him you want to take it slow, but bear in mind his feelings are likely to grow and stay way ahead of yours jmo. Edited February 12, 2018 by Cookiesandough
girlinNYC Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 This new guy sounds like quite a catch. I don't think you should sabotage things with what appears a good guy by essentially telling him he's a rebound - nobody would take kindly to that. Granted, you don't have deep feelings for him yet but it doesn't mean they won't develop. This new guy sounds like someone who is far more aligned with you, don't potentially ruin that. Keep at it and see where it leads, you don't owe him your heart but given he has been respectful, you at the least owe him a chance. I hope it works out.
Author Nothingtolose Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 I really need to step up my game and buy a bigger toolbox. (Also I should learn how to use tools.) I keep reading about things like this, that to me feels waaay to try-hard but, hey, seems to work. Or is it just because this guy is the total opposite from your previous bf? Haha I personally didn't find it try-hard at all, I thought it was really sweet! Perhaps because my love language is "Acts of Services" so I really appreciate it when someone offers to do something for me that I'm not very good at. Also yes, my ex wasn't handy like that around the house at all, he was really lazy and would say "I'll do it tomorrow" whenever I asked him to do anything (and tomorrow usually never came lol). I'm honestly not comfortable telling him he's a rebound - because there's a chance he might not be. It's not like I'm not attracted to him - he's attractive, a good kisser, and I actually want to sleep with him (we haven't yet). If I'm being honest with myself, I'd say the reason I'm not feeling crazy butterflies just yet, is because I've always been naturally drawn to emotionally unavailable men, with whom I was never quite sure where I stood. That air of mysteriousness always seemed to draw me in, but it never worked out well. This guy is emotionally available, not afraid to show me how he feels, doesn't keep me guessing, and this is all very new to me. I'm aware of my unhealthy relationship patterns and I want to change them, and I do think I could get there with this guy, seeing as I do enjoy the time we spend together, I'm just not feeling as intensely as he is just yet. Also, I want to ensure I'm also not HIS rebound - his 8 year relationship ended last May as she wanted to move back to their home country and he didn't, so he stayed and she left. He says he's glad that relationship is over and that he and I have much more in common than they did, but since the breakup wasn't exactly his decision, I think we both need to slow down and ensure we're not rebounding with each other. I'm going travelling for 3 weeks in a couple of weeks, so I suppose that will naturally allow for us to step on the breaks a bit, and pick things up when I get back?
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 (edited) Our relationship was extremely problematic. My ex was a stoner, also drank most nights, was dismissive of my feelings and even verbally abusive during fights, didn't help me around the house when we lived together, was lazy, unmotivated and with no goals in life. The only problem is that I know I still love my ex. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the break up, my ex wasn't willing to change and I deserve better than how I was treated, it was absolutely the right decision. My brain understands all this, yet I still miss him, and have some days when I feel extremely sad that we couldn't make it work. He wanted to get back together early this year, but after hanging out a few times I saw nothing had changed, and had to cut him off for my own sake. With all due respect, what is there to get over? I understand that sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants... But, your previous relationship was a very unhealthy relationship with a very unhealthy partner... You did well to end it and move on with your life. You have an opportunity with this new guy who sounds wonderful. Don't waste it! What a shame it would be if you lost the opportunity with this new guy because you were still hung up on a relationship with a man that is going nowhere. If there is one thing that I have learned in life, it is that your thoughts create your destiny. If you tell yourself that you are still hung up on your ex and still mourning the relationship that "could have been," you will stay stuck in the past. The sad truth is, that relationship was probably never meant to be (it just took you a while to realize that). But this, this could be the opportunity of a lifetime. Tell him that you want to take things slowly, but go confidently in the direction of your dreams and see what happens... Life is too short to stay hung up on the past. Seize this opportunity! Edited February 12, 2018 by BaileyB 3
Author Nothingtolose Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 With all due respect, what is there to get over? Your previous relationship was a very unhealthy relationship with a very unhealthy partner... You did well to end it and move on with your life. The two things we had that were very good, was a shared sense of humor and an incredible sexual chemistry. These were definitely the things that kept me hooked for so long, we could be very silly together, and the sex was amazing. With this new guy, I really enjoy his company, but the shared sense of humor isn't quite there, at least not yet. I have a feeling it could also be due to cultural differences (we both live in a country that isn't our native country, but my ex was from here). I do see glimpses of him being quite funny though, so it may just take a little longer for him to relax around me and bring that out more. With regards to chemistry, our kissing is good, and we haven't slept together yet, so it's quite possible that we'll have good chemistry in the bedroom when that happens. I agree he seems like a wonderful person, so I'm happy to keep going and wait for my feelings to grow stronger.
Rockdad Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Our relationship was extremely problematic. My ex was a stoner, also drank most nights, was dismissive of my feelings and even verbally abusive during fights, didn't help me around the house when we lived together, was lazy, unmotivated and with no goals in life. Reread this if you are tempted to go back to the stoner guy.
Author Nothingtolose Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 Reread this if you are tempted to go back to the stoner guy. Oh, I know. I'm well aware of his issues and how much I was hurting in that relationship, which is why I walked away despite still being in love. Come to think of it, it's crazy to think I still love this person despite all these issues we had. I know I wouldn't have a happy life with him, but now it's just a matter of my heart catching up to my brain.
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 The two things we had that were very good, was a shared sense of humor and an incredible sexual chemistry. These were definitely the things that kept me hooked for so long, we could be very silly together, and the sex was amazing. With this new guy, I really enjoy his company, but the shared sense of humor isn't quite there, at least not yet. I have a feeling it could also be due to cultural differences (we both live in a country that isn't our native country, but my ex was from here). I do see glimpses of him being quite funny though, so it may just take a little longer for him to relax around me and bring that out more. With regards to chemistry, our kissing is good, and we haven't slept together yet, so it's quite possible that we'll have good chemistry in the bedroom when that happens. I agree he seems like a wonderful person, so I'm happy to keep going and wait for my feelings to grow stronger. I'm not saying he is a keeper... But, I am suggesting that you should continue to explore the relationship to see what happens. And I would suggest that you give it a little more time... It takes time for someone to relax such that you can truly see who they are and what the relationship would be. I'm not going to say that a shared sense of humor and sexual chemistry are not important things in a relationship. They are, definitely. They make a relationship fun! But, perhaps what you have learned from this experience is that without a dependable partner - someone who is hardworking, honest, communicates, trustworthy, respectful, financially responsible, etc... It's not enough. What you have learned from this experience is an important life lesson, part of the wisdom that you gain with age and experience. You sound like you are on your way to finding happiness in another relationship. Good luck!
divegrl Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I would give yourself some more time to heal. You just got out of a 3 year relationship; 2 months is not near enough time to process the breakup and your emotions. I would focus on you. Put the focus on self love and becoming truly happy and joyful again. Honestly, this new guy sounds like a distraction. Good luck my friend. I hope you find the healing you need. 1
Author Nothingtolose Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 I would give yourself some more time to heal. You just got out of a 3 year relationship; 2 months is not near enough time to process the breakup and your emotions. I would focus on you. Put the focus on self love and becoming truly happy and joyful again. Honestly, this new guy sounds like a distraction. Good luck my friend. I hope you find the healing you need. The break up was actually 5 months ago (September). It just took me a while to go NC with him, but now we have no contact whatsoever. Also, the breakup didn't happen out of the blue, we were having very serious problems for over a year, had tried couples counselling, and were already living separately since May (in hopes that taking a bit of space would help us - it didn't). I'm still working on my healing - I am working out again, doing dance classes, meditating, reading. At the same time, I feel like it would be a waste to not give this person a chance, so far he's been really great, and I live in a city notoriously known for having a terrible dating scene, with really flaky guys, so it's kind of a miracle that I even met someone like this who is single.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Just be completely honest with him. That you really like him, want to get to know him and enjoy spending time with him but you need to take things slow since you're not completely over your ex. He seems like a good guy and I'm betting he'll understand that you're not ready for anything too serious right now.
TheBlingRing14 Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 "Because, in the end, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time." This quote is from the television show How I Met Your Mother, and as simplistic as it may be, there is profound truth in it. I typically am not a fan of absolute statements. I am typically not a fan of the cliche. But...I find the above statement true, although I would add to it. The "getting out there" certainly helps. Every date, every new guy...it makes things easier and easier. It's okay that you are not over your ex. I had a massive heartbreak 4 months ago, and I didn't think I would ever, EVER get over it. And then...I sort of came out of it and realized I needed to get back on the horse. I still love him. I think a part of me always will. If he came back to me...it would be less than a heartbeat for me to decide. BUT, if you wait until you are completely, completely over your ex, you may be waiting a while. I think seeing new guys, dating new guys...that is WHAT helps us get over our exes. Good luck.
Author Nothingtolose Posted February 13, 2018 Author Posted February 13, 2018 "Because, in the end, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time." This quote is from the television show How I Met Your Mother, and as simplistic as it may be, there is profound truth in it. I typically am not a fan of absolute statements. I am typically not a fan of the cliche. But...I find the above statement true, although I would add to it. The "getting out there" certainly helps. Every date, every new guy...it makes things easier and easier. It's okay that you are not over your ex. I had a massive heartbreak 4 months ago, and I didn't think I would ever, EVER get over it. And then...I sort of came out of it and realized I needed to get back on the horse. I still love him. I think a part of me always will. If he came back to me...it would be less than a heartbeat for me to decide. BUT, if you wait until you are completely, completely over your ex, you may be waiting a while. I think seeing new guys, dating new guys...that is WHAT helps us get over our exes. Good luck. HIMYM is one of my favourite shows, so I love it that you quoted it lol. I have gone on lots of dates since the breakup, mostly for the sake of getting out there again, but I didn't feel like going on a second date with anyone until this guy. I didn't feel crazy intense sparks right away, but I felt really comfortable around him, really at ease, and knew I wanted to see him again, so I do think there is potential there, if he allows me to go at my own pace and enjoy time together without pushing for something serious right away. When I look deep inside myself and reflect on why I'm still hurting over the break up, the feeling I get is that there is a sense of "failure" within me. My ex had so many issues and traumas, and I wanted to come in and 'rescue' him, save him, transform him into the man I knew (or thought) deep down that he could be - and despite trying really hard, I just couldn't do it, because he didn't WANT to be saved or fixed. I've always had this saviour complex and have always been drawn to broken people, because they made me feel more needed, like I could really do something for that person and change their life, thus proving to myself that I am good enough, that I am special, that I helped someone change (or that they did so because of me/ their love for me). It's really messed up and I'm painfully aware of this, and have been working on it through therapy. This helps explain why I'm not crazy over this guy just yet - he is (or seems to be) perfectly normal and has his **** together -but this is a good thing! I WANT to be drawn to healthy relationships, I WANT to change my patterns, I WANT to be with an emotionally healthy man and get rid of this saviour complex once and for all. And I think the fact that I enjoy spending time with him and find him attractive is a really good sign.
Sara1989 Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 It took me over an year to get over my ex and I mean fully over him. I did date in that time but really they all did not end well as I was not ready. You don't have force yourself to be with someone new just because you think it is the right thing to do.
sunny-face Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 How wonderful that you’ve met someone that respects you, wants to spend time with you and has a job! It does take some time to develop relationships and boundaries can be helpful as the two of you get to know one another. Communication is vital, so just be completely honest with this new friend and don’t hold back your thoughts when things are moving too fast. Taking time to get to know one another is fun. Enjoy your moments with him and find common activities that the both of you are interested in. Allow the hurt for your ex to diminish and heal as you spend quality time with this new man. If you are up front and honest with him, he has a chance to hold back some of his feelings and protect his own heart. There are two people involved. You both have a past so get to know each other before intimacy, marriage, a house, kids and careers become a factor. I wish you both luck!!
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