BigBlueSky Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Just to recap my story, I am married and had an EA/PA that spanned 3.5 years (with lots of NC periods in between) with my xMM. There hasn't been a DDay for either of us. I know that confessing is a rather contentious issue and I'd rather this thread not be about should I or should I not. I think what I'd like to hear are stories, especially from those who are married and had been in affairs. What were your DDays like? Or if you have confessed, what happened? What has been the aftermath for those of you whose As came out in the open? Thanks in advance! 1
DKT3 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 (edited) The thing about Ddays is you can never anticipate the spouses reaction. I've seen everything from a MW confessing and her husband responded with something like "oh, so you on the be mad that I've been sleeping with ____( enter her friends name)" to them wanting to hurt themselves and/or others. Those are extremes but still very possible. Honestly, I think most D-DAYs are actually a slow realization over time that is merely confirmed with confession. My "actual" D-DAY came when she was served divorce papers, but by then I was numb to her and really had no emotional reaction. I did have the day where I had no more doubt that she had cheated, but no confession just a hypothetical kind of thing, which she quickly retracted. It was too late and so many of the odd events, comments and actions became like a TV coming into focus. I don't honestly believe you will gain anything from what other went through. I remembered thinking "oh, she knows he won't stay" when the topic came up before. Not sure if it was one of your threads or someone else's. To me confession or not is an indication of what kind of person you will be going forward.... either you want to be better or continue with behaviors that lead to the situation. There really can't be a grey area. Edited February 12, 2018 by DKT3 1
Bittersweetie Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I'll share. I had no intention of confessing. My A was when my H and I were living in separate cities so there was no way he could've found out (I thought). I hadn't seen/talked to xAP in 3+ months. Then my doctor called and I had an STD. I told my H. I am not going to lie. It was the worst day of my life. My H was, understandably, angry and hurt and shocked and more. He immediately packed a bag and left. The next day I went to stay with my parents. We did not really talk to each other for ten days. It was during Christmastime. TBH I think that it was good we had a cooling off period. Before d-day I was just beginning to realize the enormity of my choices. D-day cemented that and I used those ten days to pull myself together and do research on what I could do to help my H and us. On New Years Eve I drove home. I had no idea if he was going to allow me back in but I didn't want to enter a new year separate from him. I remember being very, very scared. My mom actually cried when I left, I think because we didn't know what would happen. He let me in but there was no celebration that new years. The following months were very difficult. My H was in so much pain, pain that I caused him, pain that I could see in his eyes. I did the best I could to heal myself and help him. I wasn't perfect but I continued to try. It was a very humbling experience. I remember one time, about 2-3 months after d-day, my H bought tickets to a basketball game for us two weeks in advance. And I was so, so happy because I thought: he sees us still together in two weeks! It gave me hope. It was truly a day-to-day existence at that time. My H and I worked through the A and all of the issues in our relationship and in ourselves. It was painful and difficult but I do think we were able to rebuild a new relationship that is strong. However, I do wish--every day--we could've gotten to this place without the pain my choices caused him. Unfortunately I cannot change the past so I try to live as honestly and authentically as possible each day. Hope this helps. 1
Author BigBlueSky Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 DKT3, thanks for sharing. I agree with what you say. Also, I don't know what I'm hoping to get from reading other people's stories. Maybe it's wrapping my head around what's coming. I know I don't like the person I've become.
Author BigBlueSky Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 Bittersweetie, thank you for sharing your experiences. You're always so willing to give your perspective from someone who has been there and I really appreciate the time you take. This whole thing has been difficult on so many levels and I wish that I didn't make the choices that I did, but like you said, the past cannot be undone. I am happy to hear that your marriage is in a better place now and that you are striving to live an authentic and honest life. It really is an encouragement to me. 1
wmacbride Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I'll share. I had no intention of confessing. My A was when my H and I were living in separate cities so there was no way he could've found out (I thought). I hadn't seen/talked to xAP in 3+ months. Then my doctor called and I had an STD. I told my H. I am not going to lie. It was the worst day of my life. My H was, understandably, angry and hurt and shocked and more. He immediately packed a bag and left. The next day I went to stay with my parents. We did not really talk to each other for ten days. It was during Christmastime. TBH I think that it was good we had a cooling off period. Before d-day I was just beginning to realize the enormity of my choices. D-day cemented that and I used those ten days to pull myself together and do research on what I could do to help my H and us. On New Years Eve I drove home. I had no idea if he was going to allow me back in but I didn't want to enter a new year separate from him. I remember being very, very scared. My mom actually cried when I left, I think because we didn't know what would happen. He let me in but there was no celebration that new years. The following months were very difficult. My H was in so much pain, pain that I caused him, pain that I could see in his eyes. I did the best I could to heal myself and help him. I wasn't perfect but I continued to try. It was a very humbling experience. I remember one time, about 2-3 months after d-day, my H bought tickets to a basketball game for us two weeks in advance. And I was so, so happy because I thought: he sees us still together in two weeks! It gave me hope. It was truly a day-to-day existence at that time. My H and I worked through the A and all of the issues in our relationship and in ourselves. It was painful and difficult but I do think we were able to rebuild a new relationship that is strong. However, I do wish--every day--we could've gotten to this place without the pain my choices caused him. Unfortunately I cannot change the past so I try to live as honestly and authentically as possible each day. Hope this helps. What's the saying about how the things you work the hardest to accomplish are the most precious? I know it sounds odd, but from what you write, you were both able to take a terrible situation and turn it into a gift of learning and growing. That took grace and humility on both your parts. op, I don't know your story well enough to predict what will happen for you. Are you willing to put the work in and lay yourself bare? If so, you might just be a success story. You're going to find out a lot about yourself on the journey, some bad...but you'll also find a lot of good and a strength you never knew you had. 2
road Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 Once the BS finds out the damage pain hurt can not be undone. Though without the D day the work can never be started to repair the damage that was done by the affair. Then there is the trickle truth. The BS never gets the whole truth and the marriage stays in limbo for the rest of their lives. It always seems that the BS finds out 10, 20, 30 years later. The damage is worse because the WS feels I have moved on past this it was such a long time ago, BS you need to let this go. However it is brand new to the BS and they cannot let it go. They feel that their whole life that they have lived has been just a lie. To be 70 and have a D day the BS can be dead before the 5 years needed for the work to recover the marriage can be done. The best results to recover a marriage have always been when the WS has ended the affair an then promptly confesses the affair to the BS. 1
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