Didyouknow96 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 So basically, I've been in a fwb with a guy since last May. We were seeing each other on and off for the summer, then he sort of disappeared and I was upset, but turns out it was just because his grandmother passed away so he had to go back to CA for her funeral (we go to college on the east coast). He reconnected with me a few months later, but I was studying abroad, and he kind of disappeared mid-conversation. I was upset again but just sort of shrugged it off. Then comes December and he texts me again with some lame excuse like oh hey sorry I was going through old texts and just saw this. I wasn't amused by the excuse, but I was sort of happy to hear from him. He was really sweet, asking how I'm doing, catching up, etc. So when I got back to college I went to see him. He was very kind when we were together. And honestly the sex was different this time, he was like kissing my forehead and being very loving and affectionate. It was a little strange and I was surprised. Next morning I go home, classes start and I'm really busy (he actually finished school last year and is just applying to grad programs now). So yesterday it had been over three weeks since we last hung out. We hadn't talked to each other aside from him sending me a picture of something we had talked about. To be fair, he didn't respond but I texted him really late at night. I basically just said hey I got out of work early tonight, wanna hang out? And that was the truth. Then I saw that he read the text at 9:30 AM today. I just really don't understand what his issue is. Why is he so kind and decent when we're together and often times over text, but now he just has to be a flippant jerk. Is he thinking, oops no point in responding now since it's the morning? Like is it that difficult to just send a "hey sorry I was asleep!" I'm not looking for advice about him, I know I should stop seeing him and you better believe I won't ever text him again unless he sends me some sort of explanation. What I'm confused about is his behavior. He is a geeky nerd that has never had a girlfriend and I really doubt he's getting sex anywhere else. He's also kind of unhygienic, but I don't mind. Like here I am, a decently attractive skinny college girl that just wants to have sex with you, and you can't even be bothered to reply? Does he only want sex like once every three months? We always click pretty we'll when we're together so I just don't understand. Can someone please help me understand men?? Particularly college aged ones??
basil67 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I'm having memories of being your age and thinking that just because a guy can talk easily and wants occasional sex that he would be interested in more. But it doesn't work out that way. The cold, harsh truth from observing his behaviour, is that apparently he does only want sex from you once every three months. He sees you as a casual hookup and you're going along with it. He's happy with this. I'm sure he'll reply when he gets around to it.....or he wants sex again.
preraph Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Listen, college-age guys are constantly distracted by college-age girls. Even if he were more considerate, which would be nice, likely he would still be constantly distracted by the lure of the large field of girls around him. There are a few serious relationships in college, but I'm going to say it's a small percentage that go the long run. But you never know when you might meet someone who you cross paths with in a few years who has become more focused. So don't stop meeting people.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 Listen, college-age guys are constantly distracted by college-age girls. Even if he were more considerate, which would be nice, likely he would still be constantly distracted by the lure of the large field of girls around him. There are a few serious relationships in college, but I'm going to say it's a small percentage that go the long run. But you never know when you might meet someone who you cross paths with in a few years who has become more focused. So don't stop meeting people. But the thing is, he's not surrounded by girls! He goes to a technical university and he's not even a student anymore...he spends most of his time building things out of wood or glass blowing or working in his physics lab that is literally all guys. Ugh makes no sense.
snowboy91 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Normally I'd say that college guys are just wanting to sleep around. But this guy... He is a geeky nerd that has never had a girlfriend and I really doubt he's getting sex anywhere else. He's also kind of unhygienic, but I don't mind. Like here I am, a decently attractive skinny college girl that just wants to have sex with you, and you can't even be bothered to reply? Does he only want sex like once every three months? We always click pretty we'll when we're together so I just don't understand. Can someone please help me understand men?? Particularly college aged ones?? is quite the opposite of your typical college guy. He sounds like he's super nervous and is worried about making a move. Or maybe he's had an awakening of sorts and is seeing other girls. Either way, if you're making the effort, and he's into you he will respond. He isn't, so I'd move on. Most people at college (both sexes!) are relatively young and haven't had a lot of experience navigating relationships, but they are super horny. Which can manifest itself in various ways - some people sleep around a lot, some try to repress, some create unrealistic expectations, some ghost a lot. You know what your needs are and how they aren't being met, so you know what you need to do.
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 How do you know there aren't other girls in his life?
Miss Spider Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Unfortunately, it's not just college guys, gf xD 3
Author Didyouknow96 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 How do you know there aren't other girls in his life? I just highly doubt it...he's just an awkward physicist guy and honestly he doesn't even really know what he's doing in bed.
basil67 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 But the thing is, he's not surrounded by girls! He goes to a technical university and he's not even a student anymore...he spends most of his time building things out of wood or glass blowing or working in his physics lab that is literally all guys. Ugh makes no sense. Which bit makes no sense? I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just wondering which bit of him you don't understand. What would you expect him to be doing? 1
Author Didyouknow96 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 I would expect him to reply to my message from last night!
thefooloftheyear Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 (edited) So basically, I've been in a fwb with a guy since last May. We were seeing each other on and off for the summer, then he sort of disappeared and I was upset, but turns out it was just because his grandmother passed away so he had to go back to CA for her funeral (we go to college on the east coast). He reconnected with me a few months later, but I was studying abroad, and he kind of disappeared mid-conversation. I was upset again but just sort of shrugged it off. Then comes December and he texts me again with some lame excuse like oh hey sorry I was going through old texts and just saw this. I wasn't amused by the excuse, but I was sort of happy to hear from him. He was really sweet, asking how I'm doing, catching up, etc. So when I got back to college I went to see him. He was very kind when we were together. And honestly the sex was different this time, he was like kissing my forehead and being very loving and affectionate. It was a little strange and I was surprised. Next morning I go home, classes start and I'm really busy (he actually finished school last year and is just applying to grad programs now). So yesterday it had been over three weeks since we last hung out. We hadn't talked to each other aside from him sending me a picture of something we had talked about. To be fair, he didn't respond but I texted him really late at night. I basically just said hey I got out of work early tonight, wanna hang out? And that was the truth. Then I saw that he read the text at 9:30 AM today. I just really don't understand what his issue is. Why is he so kind and decent when we're together and often times over text, but now he just has to be a flippant jerk. Is he thinking, oops no point in responding now since it's the morning? Like is it that difficult to just send a "hey sorry I was asleep!" I'm not looking for advice about him, I know I should stop seeing him and you better believe I won't ever text him again unless he sends me some sort of explanation. What I'm confused about is his behavior. He is a geeky nerd that has never had a girlfriend and I really doubt he's getting sex anywhere else. He's also kind of unhygienic, but I don't mind. Like here I am, a decently attractive skinny college girl that just wants to have sex with you, and you can't even be bothered to reply? Does he only want sex like once every three months? We always click pretty we'll when we're together so I just don't understand. Can someone please help me understand men?? Particularly college aged ones?? You agreed to the rules of the game(fwb) and he's just doing what the rules "allow"....If you want more, then get into a different game... Makes complete sense to me... Oh, and your thinking that he isn't getting sex anywhere else is entirely naive...Sorry, I don't mean to be sharp, but you really can't be serious...Just amazing how often you hear women complaining about guys not acting like boyfriends in these arrangements... TFY Edited February 12, 2018 by thefooloftheyear 3
mortensorchid Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Honey, you are going to be acting like this when you are in the nursing home with these guys. High school NEVER ENDS. 2
basil67 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I would expect him to reply to my message from last night! So all this angst is about him forgetting to reply to one messaged invitation? Chances are he read the text and thought he should probably say something but got distracted and forgot. You need remember that he read the message too late to do anything about it. And if he's the geeky nerd you say he is, his social skills are probably not as sharp as they could be. He probably doesn't even realise that you're sweating on a reply. He's just going about his day without even thinking of it.
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I just highly doubt it...he's just an awkward physicist guy and honestly he doesn't even really know what he's doing in bed. He's just an awkward physicist guy who doesn't even really know what he's doing in bed that you like to sleep with. What makes you think he isn't an "awkward physicist guy who doesn't even really know what he's doing in bed that other women like to sleep with?" IOW, if you like sleeping with him why wouldn't someone else like sleeping with him?
Versacehottie Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Which bit makes no sense? I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just wondering which bit of him you don't understand. What would you expect him to be doing? One of my great beliefs in life is that guys are simple. Even geeky physicists ones with no other apparent options and a cute, skinny college girl willing to give him attention. So back to "guys are simple"...he is doing exactly what he wants to do, which is see you every now and then. Not only players do that--all guys with other priorities do that. He is doing other stuff that "matters" to him. (did you like my attempt at a physics joke?) I wouldn't take it personally. My guess is that for whatever reason he does not want a girlfriend or to have obligations and commitments. That may or may not have to do with you specifically. However, you have shown him after the fact that you will accept whatever treatment he gives you, which actually lowers your value with him. Want to get him curious? Don't answer when he texts you the next time. Chances are he will wait a bit and then text again. Usually foolproof Then you will know there is a little something there and can perhaps build on it. You can answer the second text PROVIDED he says something of value. good luck
Author Didyouknow96 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 So all this angst is about him forgetting to reply to one messaged invitation? Chances are he read the text and thought he should probably say something but got distracted and forgot. You need remember that he read the message too late to do anything about it. And if he's the geeky nerd you say he is, his social skills are probably not as sharp as they could be. He probably doesn't even realise that you're sweating on a reply. He's just going about his day without even thinking of it. Yep you’re right. All this angst is about his failure to rely. It made me feel like **** and essentially ruined my whole day, caused me to delete his contact and renounce my faith in men. Also went on tinder and talked to like 12 new guys. Why couldn’t he just reply with a simple hey sorry I was sleeping OR SOMETHING
basil67 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Yep you’re right. All this angst is about his failure to rely. It made me feel like **** and essentially ruined my whole day, caused me to delete his contact and renounce my faith in men. Also went on tinder and talked to like 12 new guys. Why couldn’t he just reply with a simple hey sorry I was sleeping OR SOMETHING Why couldn't he just reply? Because he didn't think of it. Or was busy or something. Given that he's just a FWB, it's really not that big a deal. There has got to be something else going on which has made you blow this out of proportion. What's really going on? And why talk to 12 new guys if you've renounced all faith in men?
winny Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Wow!!! Chill....! You are so bad in handling rejection. So, here is my analysis of this situation. He has already slept with you. Nothing exciting for him there. He has you where he wants you. Any time he has nothing else going on he can sleep with you. At other times he may be busy with his work/studies/looking for a real GF - stuff which are more important than responding to the text of a FWB. This is one of the reasons I decided I will never be FWB with anyone. FWBs rank lower than anyone else when it comes to priorities. And here you are, so naive.. thinking oh he is a guy, he needs sex all the time, he has no other girl near him so every time you text him he will show up. But the situation is actually opposite. It's you who are at his beck and call and not him. And you have put yourself in this situation by letting him in when he has behaved bad in past as well by disappearing on you multiple times. Break off this meaningless, useless, waste of energy thing you have with him. Find someone else. This guy is totally not worth it. 3
Author Didyouknow96 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 Why couldn't he just reply? Because he didn't think of it. Or was busy or something. Given that he's just a FWB, it's really not that big a deal. There has got to be something else going on which has made you blow this out of proportion. What's really going on? And why talk to 12 new guys if you've renounced all faith in men? It’s just like after I had my first boyfriend and the relationship ended terribly, I have been really needy regarding intimacy. Like I haven’t had a serious relationship since then but I always need to just have someone I’m ****ing or cuddling or something so when he didn’t reply I assumed he was done and now I need to find someone else but ultimately I want him
basil67 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 It’s just like after I had my first boyfriend and the relationship ended terribly, I have been really needy regarding intimacy. Like I haven’t had a serious relationship since then but I always need to just have someone I’m ****ing or cuddling or something so when he didn’t reply I assumed he was done and now I need to find someone else but ultimately I want him In that case, you need to do a bit of work on yourself. Get yourself to the point where you have a bit of resilience to cope with life's curve balls. You'll just drive yourself crazy if you continue as you are. When you say you want him, do you mean as an official boyfriend? If so, you're going to have to talk with him.
MaleIntuition Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Putting some pieces together from your previous thread: My guess is that you are actively seeking out romantic partners whom you feel you are much better than because you fear rejection. Compatibility, however, is much more than looks and hygiene (although the last part sounds like a basic requirement...), and there are no “safe” bets. I get the feeling that you really don’t respect him at all, and if I can sense that through an anonymous forum - chances are that he felt that as well. 3
act00 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 This behavior doesn't go away when they leave college. I have a couple of these guys. I'm okay with it. You appear to want more, and he seemed more affectionate and loving, so you feel like he wants more too. You have to decide what you want. Bring it up to him, that you would like to see him more as a relationship and not just someone he contacts once every 2-3 months. If he doesn't want that, then you can move on. Or are you interested in more frequency of this FWB situation, because you can bring that up too. Don't expect him to spend a lot of time talking/texting like a boyfriend would do. He's busy doing his own thing. If he's looking at grad school or employment, where he ultimately lives is going to be an issue, and he may not want to get involved and then leave, so keep this in mind as well. If your needs aren't being met and it hurts this much that he's not reciprocating your feelings, you need to move on. ETA: You'll probably have to "train" him a little with communication if he's kind of awkward...basically let him know what you want - one text a day or acknowledgement of a late-night text, whatever you feel is reasonable, and of course relax on his communication style. It's really about finding a middle.
CptInsano Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Which bit makes no sense? I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just wondering which bit of him you don't understand. What would you expect him to be doing? That was my thought exactly. He's a physicist, meaning he is occupying himself with something out of some sort of idealism. Most likely his mind will provide him with a constant stream of things that will occupy him easily. Being a physicist myself, please allow me to stereotype a little: We sometimes seem somewhat aloof. You sit there, a woman pours her heart out, and while you feel for her, your mind is still thinking about a loss function for the neural network you just set up. My guess is he took the FWB arrangement at face value. I also expect that you are attracted to him because he does his own thing and isn't needy, meaning that he represents a challenge.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 Putting some pieces together from your previous thread: My guess is that you are actively seeking out romantic partners whom you feel you are much better than because you fear rejection. Compatibility, however, is much more than looks and hygiene (although the last part sounds like a basic requirement...), and there are no “safe” bets. I get the feeling that you really don’t respect him at all, and if I can sense that through an anonymous forum - chances are that he felt that as well. Trust me I do respect him. The only reason i asked the previous question is because my friends are always asking me why I date weirdos. But I really can’t help it, they’re just who I’m attracted to. I really really don’t think he gets any sense of disrespect from me; I actually really admire him.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 This behavior doesn't go away when they leave college. I have a couple of these guys. I'm okay with it. You appear to want more, and he seemed more affectionate and loving, so you feel like he wants more too. You have to decide what you want. Bring it up to him, that you would like to see him more as a relationship and not just someone he contacts once every 2-3 months. If he doesn't want that, then you can move on. Or are you interested in more frequency of this FWB situation, because you can bring that up too. Don't expect him to spend a lot of time talking/texting like a boyfriend would do. He's busy doing his own thing. If he's looking at grad school or employment, where he ultimately lives is going to be an issue, and he may not want to get involved and then leave, so keep this in mind as well. If your needs aren't being met and it hurts this much that he's not reciprocating your feelings, you need to move on. ETA: You'll probably have to "train" him a little with communication if he's kind of awkward...basically let him know what you want - one text a day or acknowledgement of a late-night text, whatever you feel is reasonable, and of course relax on his communication style. It's really about finding a middle. But I shouldn’t reach out to him again unless he reaches out to me, right?
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