CrosstimbersOkie Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 (edited) Greetings everyone! I have an issue I'd like feedback on. First, a little background about her & I. Me: I'm a 54 year old white male, college educated who retired from a federal law enforcement job a year-and-a-half ago. A few days after I retired my wife of 22 years filed for divorce. I practice Yoga seven days a week, five in a studio and in my living room on weekends. My retirement job is a very physical manufacturing job, by choice. I know that at my age the worst thing a man can do is to become sedentary. Four ten hour days per week of hard labor. It's like getting paid to go to the gym. I'm fairly handsome, my whole life girls have told me how they like to gaze into my green eyes. I have a 33 year old son from a short marriage right out of high school and three grandchildren. Her: She's a 54 year old black woman who was born in the US but grew up in Germany and speaks fluent German. She went to school and college there. Her father was a black career army senior NCO and her mother a white German woman. She's #6 of 7 children. She's very well educated and cultured, and plays piano, guitar, is learning drums, and has been the lead singer in her own Rock band. She is financially secure and works in management. She has two sons in their early & mid 30s and four grandchildren. She has never been married, but was twice engaged. She raised both boys on her own. She is very independent and free-thinking. She has the most amazing & direct gaze of any person I've ever known and the most beautiful eyes. She lives in a small city in the South. We first met for coffee on a Saturday morning. We hit it off immediately. Which I thought we would as I was already impressed with her before I even met her. She is the first black woman I've ever been with, and she has always dated outside of her race. I've been out of dating since 1993, so I'm a bit rusty to say the least. We spent all of Saturday together, then all of Saturday night together at her place. I left early Sunday evening, reluctantly. During the weekend she asked me when the last time I was with a woman. I replied that it had been about two years. She then informed me that it had been two years for her also. Four days later I received a text from her informing me that she was stepping back, and no longer wanted to date because she had not yet let her last man go, either boyfriend or fiance', I don't know which. I haven't had any communication with her for the two days since. I very much like this girl and would like for our relationship to continue and flourish. But I don't know how to deal with some dude who apparently dumped her and who isn't around anymore. Thoughts? P.S.: Race. On Saturday during our two mile walk in a public park, and several trips around town she commented on how pleased she was to see that I wasn't uncomfortable to be seen in public with a black woman. She commented that that was unusual in her experience. Later in the week I made what was apparently a big mistake. A made one of her pics my Facebook wall photo, to show her that I wasn't ashamed to show her to my friends and to show her how highly I thought of her. She didn't like it and asked me to take it down. Then she un-friended me on Facebook. She said that it angered and hurt her, which was the opposite of my intention. Edited February 12, 2018 by CrosstimbersOkie
winny Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Uh oh... why why why why would you do that? It's so silly yet can be so hurtful. Its hard to say whether thats the reason she decided to not see you anymore, but there is a high probability thats why she did it. I would wait for a few days and then send her a heartfelt apology and ask her out again. Then its up to her to decide. 1
BDJ_1 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Well, you posted a photo of her on your Facebook after meeting her once. Which is a major red flag and she obviously viewed it as such. 3
Author CrosstimbersOkie Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 I already apologized, and she seemed to accept it. It was two days later that she told me she wasn't over her last boyfriend yet.
Author CrosstimbersOkie Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 Well, you posted a photo of her on your Facebook after meeting her once. Which is a major red flag and she obviously viewed it as such. How is it a major red flag? I mean we had already been seen all over town in public?
BDJ_1 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 How is it a major red flag? I mean we had already been seen all over town in public? Because you had met her once and you had posted something on Facebook about it. It’s strange and it’s a breach of privacy for someone in the earliest stage of dating. The fact you don’t think it’s an issue is the red flag. People like to be able to date without everyone knowing about it after one date. Obviously it is different if you have discussed it or are exclusive etc. but you just posted it with no thought or feeling or permission. 3
winny Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 How is it a major red flag? I mean we had already been seen all over town in public? I have told this to many people before and I repeat. Your social media site is yours, you can put any pictures of yourself. But every time you want to post a picture of someone else(whosoever it maybe), you must seek their permission first. Why is this so hard for some people to understand is beyond me. 2
winny Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 A made one of her pics my Facebook wall photo, to show her that I wasn't ashamed to show her to my friends and to show her how highly I thought of her. She didn't like it and asked me to take it down. Then she un-friended me on Facebook. She said that it angered and hurt her, which was the opposite of my intention. Would you have done this (showing other people that you are not ashamed of her) if she was white? I don't think so. Then why would you do this if she is black???? People really do not understand such subtle things.... you obviously don't deserve to date her cause you don't understand these little things and which may become big things later on. Ignorance is not always bliss.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 It was far too early to be posting photos of her on your social media, OP. You didn't even ask her if she'd mind, which would be common courtesy after just one meeting. Doing so "announces" that you two are dating, but you've had just one date with her, if I understand correctly. You barely know her. Most people like to take their time getting to know someone and dating a little while before making it known to family and friends. This is where you went wrong; you didn't give her that opportunity. Unfortunately, if you've apologized and she's still not interested, it's done. Coupled with her attachment to whomever this previous man is and she's not a dating candidate. 3
PegNosePete Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Hopefully you've learned from your facebook mistake. Don't put up people's pics without asking them first. I very much like this girl and would like for our relationship to continue and flourish. Yes, but unfortunately she has made it 100% crystal clear that this is not what she would like. She has told you she doesn't want to see you any more. There's nothing you can do except to respect her decision. But I don't know how to deal with some dude who apparently dumped her and who isn't around anymore. You don't have to, and shouldn't, "deal" with some dude at all. You're dealing -- or rather, you were dealing -- with a woman who doesn't want to date you any more. The reasons are irrelevant. The fact is she doesn't want to date you. The way you should deal with that is to tell her "OK, good luck" and move on. 1
Author CrosstimbersOkie Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 Well, it looks like I blew it. Thanks for the feedback everyone.
PegNosePete Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 No I don't think you blew it. It seems that she simply wasn't ready to date and not over her ex. Your faux pas probably didn't help but I think even without that, you would still be in the same situation.
BDJ_1 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 No I don't think you blew it. It seems that she simply wasn't ready to date and not over her ex. Your faux pas probably didn't help but I think even without that, you would still be in the same situation. Disagree. I think he absolutely blew it and this is the excuse she used. 2
Author CrosstimbersOkie Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 Disagree. I think he absolutely blew it and this is the excuse she used. I think anger is more positive than indifference. I gave her some emotional stimulation if nothing else... BTW, she hasn't broken off communication with me. She still texted after she informed me that she wasn't over her ex.
lurker74 Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 Don't know if you blew it but unlike others, I don't think she broke it off because she felt like the Facebook picture was too much (it was WAY too much - you came off way to needy and thirsty for a relationship). No, what I think happened is that she is still Facebook friends with her ex and/or ex's friends and family and they saw her get tagged on your wall. That probably led her to believe that she was moving too fast. Send her a note (handwritten via post if possible) thanking her for the time, politely (but not gratuitously) apologizing for the FB pic, and telling her that if she changes her mind, feel free to reach out. Then go back into the pool and find someone else because although there is a chance she will reach out, it's a very small chance. 1
fred123 Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 I have told this to many people before and I repeat. Your social media site is yours, you can put any pictures of yourself. But every time you want to post a picture of someone else(whosoever it maybe), you must seek their permission first. Why is this so hard for some people to understand is beyond me. even if she is yout girlfriend u cant change ur facebook profile pic to me and her? 1
fred123 Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 what if the guy was bradd pitt and did it? i think she wouldnt mind.... 1
Author CrosstimbersOkie Posted February 14, 2018 Author Posted February 14, 2018 (edited) even if she is yout girlfriend u cant change ur facebook profile pic to me and her? Thanks Fred. Excellent point. I have all kinds of pics of friends on my Facebook page that have been there for years without their permission or their objection. But they aren't pussies. Over Sensitivity is a disease of the weak-minded & morally deficient. Edited February 14, 2018 by CrosstimbersOkie
maxi105 Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 C/t/o/ you last comment about people not being pussies that don't mind their pictures on your online profile etc...doesn't that say quite a bit about how you "really feel about this situation"! I get that you are sore that you lost this woman, but come on. she has a right not to want her picture on display over the internet. its her picture and her right to tell you when you post it without her permission that she doesn't feel happy about that. I still think you need to learn a little more about relationships, sorry. but good luck with your next conquest. maxi. 1
winny Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 even if she is yout girlfriend u cant change ur facebook profile pic to me and her? They met just once. And yes.. even if its your GF, sister, mother, father, brother... Thats how you show them respect and understanding and grow trust.
winny Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 C/t/o/ you last comment about people not being pussies that don't mind their pictures on your online profile etc...doesn't that say quite a bit about how you "really feel about this situation"! I get that you are sore that you lost this woman, but come on. she has a right not to want her picture on display over the internet. its her picture and her right to tell you when you post it without her permission that she doesn't feel happy about that. I still think you need to learn a little more about relationships, sorry. but good luck with your next conquest. maxi. I agree, I have seen a lot of his posts and most of them are about playing games with the person you are dating...
mikeylo Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 I very much like this girl A 54 year old girl ?
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