Beth1427 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I've done the online thing for a couple years but nobody seemed to stick. Met a guy last summer at a cycling event, hung out a couple times and after six dates he tells me he's had herpes for years, under control though. He married later in life no kids, I was married for a 28 years and had a relationship after my divorce, I have two kids. From that point he told me he had herpes I told him I could only be friends. After six months of being friends its pretty clear he has emotional connectivity issues. I wonder if I do things with him just because I'm lonely. Should I end it if he's just so emotionally stunted? Case in point, tell him sleep well, have a nice day when we text and he just goes silent. Do men just don't like the fluff of kind words? My ex was an emotional zero and feel I'm in no better situation with this guy, even as friends. Life is just too short for emotionally stunted people.
CptInsano Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I've done the online thing for a couple years but nobody seemed to stick. Met a guy last summer at a cycling event, hung out a couple times and after six dates he tells me he's had herpes for years, under control though. He married later in life no kids, I was married for a 28 years and had a relationship after my divorce, I have two kids. From that point he told me he had herpes I told him I could only be friends. After six months of being friends its pretty clear he has emotional connectivity issues. I wonder if I do things with him just because I'm lonely. Should I end it if he's just so emotionally stunted? Case in point, tell him sleep well, have a nice day when we text and he just goes silent. Do men just don't like the fluff of kind words? My ex was an emotional zero and feel I'm in no better situation with this guy, even as friends. Life is just too short for emotionally stunted people. With all due respect, you seem to expect a level of attention from a friend that would be similar to a romantic interest. It is quite possible that he feels friendzoned, and does not consider himself a true friend? I'm not trying to read too much into your description, but it sounds a little more like an arrangement to keep each other company than friendship. 1
mortensorchid Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 Loneliness propels us to do a lot of things. I'm glad you recognize this fact with this person. You have to ask yourself after a while why you're doing this if it's not what you want. Which you are. You might be saying to yourself that you're just holding onto this person until something better comes along. When it's stretching out years is when you're in a state.
Author Beth1427 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Posted February 12, 2018 Thanks for the reply. Yes, I'm probably just waiting for someone else to come along. I do feel bad about this.
Chilli Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 (edited) You mean you don't know , it's pretty obvious no offense but how could you not know. Anyway yeah he's out of it, a guy won't care a damn about the fluff with just anyone,that's reserved for a gf or w. And l dunno about stunted l think maybe you have stuff though expecting anything more from just some guy that's really , not even a good friend these days. Edited February 12, 2018 by Chilli 1
GemmaUK Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 You made a friend of him but appear to want or expect a lot more in emotional connection, more like a relationship from him. You should move on from this guy, you don't want a relationship with him. 1
act00 Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 I'm going to agree with others. You seem to expect a lot more from this guy than just friendship. How many of your platonic friends to you make the time to say goodnight to unless you're already talking to them or texting and it's time for bed - normal salutation? Don't expect more than that, and men and women operate differently, so you're not going to have the same friendship that you do with one of your female friends. He seems more like someone you get together with once in awhile, but he's not the person you call when you need an ear to bend. I think you need to adjust your expectations. I don't think this is necessarily an indicator of his ability to have a deeper, emotional connection, though he could be closed off. He's not going to invest this way with a friend.
greymatter Posted February 12, 2018 Posted February 12, 2018 (edited) Why would he connect with you emotionally when you turned him down for more? I would be reserved with you if I were him. He probably has been hoping you would reconsider being with him since you've continued to spend time together. When you say he can't connect emotionally, can you give some examples? Not saying you are wrong, but curious what that looks like with him. It's a very personal decision, and I understand your wish to avoid herpes, even though relatively speaking it is a not a deal breaker for a lot of people. My ex husband has oral herpes and I never got it in the 18 years we were together (I have been tested many times and am sure). But I don't hear you saying that you have feelings for him and do hear that you are lonely. I suspect he has a lot going on emotionally and is just reluctant to go deeper with you since you don't want a relationship with him. Maybe his silence is reflective of his frustration with your non-relationship . Edited February 12, 2018 by greymatter 1
Author Beth1427 Posted February 13, 2018 Author Posted February 13, 2018 So why does he keep coming back for more. He asked me to go on a bike ride overnight with him, separate rooms in two months? He doesn’t pressure me for sex but he’s generally wanting to come to my house. He has a small condo. He will text me a joke to some small fact about something then when I respond he goes dark. He never asks me about my life or work. Honestly I think he just doesn’t have strong social skills. I’d like the conversation to be mutual. I think friends do that.
greymatter Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 So why does he keep coming back for more. He asked me to go on a bike ride overnight with him, separate rooms in two months? He doesn’t pressure me for sex but he’s generally wanting to come to my house. He has a small condo. He will text me a joke to some small fact about something then when I respond he goes dark. He never asks me about my life or work. Honestly I think he just doesn’t have strong social skills. I’d like the conversation to be mutual. I think friends do that. Have you ever asked him about the bolded?
Author Beth1427 Posted February 13, 2018 Author Posted February 13, 2018 I have not but great point. Honestly I’m not sure I care anymore. I really just find hist stunted communication style growing more unappealing.
greymatter Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 I can understand your frustration with him. I'm curious what he would say though.
Iseult Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 Yes, I'm probably just waiting for someone else to come along. I do feel bad about this. At least you're not emotionally stunted.
dangerous Posted February 13, 2018 Posted February 13, 2018 Keep looking. My experience is meeting people in real life, eg, social events, is the best way, but online dating can be fun although is hit and miss. Do not accept a relationship that makes you less than happy. And you can minimise loneliness by making some same sex friends.
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