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Is It Over?

kenyon9009

By kenyon9009
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kenyon9009 New Member

kenyon9009

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My girlfriend of almost two years has become very distant over the last month following a fight. She has initiated a couple of dates and so have I. However she never texts me anymore or just get together on weekends without a specific plan. Last week we were going to meet for lunch and I texted her "so where does the queen want to go for lunch" she said she didn’t like that and broke the date saying she can’t be around people that try to put her down. I haven't heard from her since! We are both 52 years old---I have apologized-she did not accept. I then arranged for flowers to be delivered to her work for Valentine’s Day. She is very angry—mostly about things from the past. These are the things--I didn’t tell her I had been married twice until 5 months into our relationship. I was using Viagra and didn’t tell her, I told her I was a non-smoker when in reality I was smoking 3-4 cigs a day, have for years. I went out for an errand and smoked a cig in the car-she smelled it on me. I have since stopped. Those 3 things come up time and time again. I really love this woman and would welcome some advice, Thanks

winny Established Member

winny

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On their own the issues may not be that big but when combined there seems to be a pattern. Maybe she is tired of forgiving you.

Is there a reason why you hid things from her?

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Indeed, if honesty and trust are important to her, than you are not her man...

 

I'm a pretty easy going person who doesn't get too upset about the little things, but "the Queen" comment is so passive aggressive and disrespectful... I would have been very unhappy and cancelled too.

 

I think this is over. Too many strikes against you, I'm afraid.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Just proves you are a liar of sorts. I would have dropped you like a hot potato after finding out the first one.

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winny Established Member

winny

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Just proves you are a liar of sorts. I would have dropped you like a hot potato after finding out the first one.

 

In the first 2 lies, I think it was more to do with shame rather than any ill intention to try to hurt his girlfriend and cause her some kind of harm. Shame is a huge thing. I guess he didn't tell about them to her because he feared the exact reaction that he is getting now.

 

And the third one, its pretty common for spouses to lie to each other about their smoking/drinking.

 

On their own these are not deal breakers... but combined (maybe other similar lies) it could be a different story.

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kenyon9009 New Member

kenyon9009

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I was ashamed of being divorced twice and needing viagra. So I didn't tell her right away. I don't understand "the Queen" comment being passive aggressive and disrespectful. She had told me that she wanted me to treat her like a queen-that's what made me use that word. I adore this woman, but it seems I have blown it. Is there anything you think I can do to save the relationship?

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I was ashamed of being divorced twice and needing viagra. So I didn't tell her right away. I don't understand "the Queen" comment being passive aggressive and disrespectful. She had told me that she wanted me to treat her like a queen-that's what made me use that word. I adore this woman, but it seems I have blown it. Is there anything you think I can do to save the relationship?

 

I'm sorry. Without context, I thought you were implying that she was "high maintenance" and difficult to please. Considering she cancelled the date and is not responding to you in the same way anymore, perhaps she had a similar interpretation...

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TheBlingRing14 Established Member

TheBlingRing14

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One word would have made all the difference. Use "my" instead of "the"

 

See how that shifts the tone? "My queen" comes across as chivalrous. It shows her you are wanting to treat her like royalty, that you would do anything for her.

 

"The queen" if said in person can be inflected with a playful tone that isn't quite as abrasive. But...you can't convey tone over text...or it's very difficult to. Often, women can refer to other women as "the queen" in a derogatory way.

 

I wish I could offer you advice, but all I can do is show you how it could have went better.

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Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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Liars suck, everybody knows that. Without trust, there is no relationship. I think this one is over.

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kenyon9009 New Member

kenyon9009

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I appreciate your comments-thanks. I fell in love with this woman at first sight, never believed in it before. I was so afraid she wouldn't be interested in me if she knew I had been married twice so I didn't tell her right away, but I did 5 months in(we have been together 2 years), the viagra is just embarrassing for a man to tell a woman. Do I really have to tell a woman EVERYTHING when we first start dating? I don't really understand why I need to disclose everything about myself until WE made some kind of commitment----Am I a good guy---I consider myself honest--but private, that's why I think I didn't tell her everything right up front

Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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I appreciate your comments-thanks. I fell in love with this woman at first sight, never believed in it before. I was so afraid she wouldn't be interested in me if she knew I had been married twice so I didn't tell her right away, but I did 5 months in(we have been together 2 years), the viagra is just embarrassing for a man to tell a woman. Do I really have to tell a woman EVERYTHING when we first start dating? I don't really understand why I need to disclose everything about myself until WE made some kind of commitment----Am I a good guy---I consider myself honest--but private, that's why I think I didn't tell her everything right up front

 

I don't need Viagra, but I shudder to think of the day if/when I do. You're right, it's very personal and I think you should get a pass on that.

 

The lying about being divorced twice? That's not ok. If a woman lied to me about that, I'd dump her. Think about it - you're starting a relationship under false pretenses. Same thing with the smoking, that's not a super personal thing, you were hiding an addiction and portraying yourself differently than you really are. Again, that's not ok.

 

The "queen" thing obviously came out wrong. That shouldn't be a dealbreaker.

 

Maybe she'll forgive you but it doesn't sound like it. She sounds finished. If she does give you another shot, you should never lie to her again.

  • Like 1
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I appreciate your comments-thanks. I fell in love with this woman at first sight, never believed in it before. I was so afraid she wouldn't be interested in me if she knew I had been married twice so I didn't tell her right away, but I did 5 months in(we have been together 2 years), the viagra is just embarrassing for a man to tell a woman. Do I really have to tell a woman EVERYTHING when we first start dating? I don't really understand why I need to disclose everything about myself until WE made some kind of commitment----Am I a good guy---I consider myself honest--but private, that's why I think I didn't tell her everything right up front

 

Yeah, you kinda do need to tell a woman that you have been married and divorced twice... Maybe not the first date, but certainly by date 2 or date 3. I can appreciate why you may feel embarrassed... But, how would you feel if you learned months into a relationship that the woman you were dating had a string of exhusbands and/or kids out there...

 

As to the viagra... Well, that should be disclosed when you first become intimate. Many women won't care, it's a reality of the aging body. It's the dishonesty that would bother many women more than the fact that you take viagra...

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kenyon9009 New Member

kenyon9009

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Smoking 3-4 cigs a day is an addiction ? I just stopped smoking all together after that---it was over a year ago. In fact all the things she is really angry about happened over a year ago. But she is angry with me nonetheless-----She has things about her that I am not thrilled about, but I don't complain or breakup with her over it-I think everyone has their stuff when you get to age 52, so what? I'm looking for a way forward with this woman---I need some help not just judgments Thanks

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I would suggest that you apologize, for the dishonesty and for any perceived hurt you have caused. Then, make a promise that you will be completely honest with her in the future. And finally, tell her that you love her and you want to try again... Do it in person. Don't worry about flowers or grand gestures... sincerity and humility are best.

 

Then, you will see if she still cares and if she is willing to try again...

Maggie4 Established Member

Maggie4

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To me, these are all forgivable if you already have a bond and you're looking out for each other, and protecting each other's feelings. I'm not sure if your relationship has gotten that far. For her to trust you, she needs to know you trust her too. That is, you trust she will accept you as you are.

 

As for the personal things, when the other person finds out, the loving thing to do is to not embarrass you. I do not know if she is angry because these are deal breakers or because you withheld information, or if it's because you became defensive when found out. I hope you didn't say to her that she's over reacting. That's never the right thing to say to a woman. Try acknowledgeing her anger. Address it, don't dismiss it. And don't act like nothing happened. Your apology needs to show your understanding of her feelings, not just to get yourself out of the doghouse. Try to talk again without fighting.

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winny Established Member

winny

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I don't need Viagra, but I shudder to think of the day if/when I do. You're right, it's very personal and I think you should get a pass on that.

The lying about being divorced twice? That's not ok. If a woman lied to me about that, I'd dump her. Think about it - you're starting a relationship under false pretenses. Same thing with the smoking, that's not a super personal thing, you were hiding an addiction and portraying yourself differently than you really are. Again, that's not ok.

 

The "queen" thing obviously came out wrong. That shouldn't be a dealbreaker.

 

Maybe she'll forgive you but it doesn't sound like it. She sounds finished. If she does give you another shot, you should never lie to her again.

 

She knew about the 2 divorces 5 months into dating him and 1.5 years have passed since. If she was soooo hurt by it... why continue? And if decided to continue... why keep bringing it up? Makes no sense to me. The past is past.

winny Established Member

winny

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-it was over a year ago. In fact all the things she is really angry about happened over a year ago./QUOTE]

 

Exactly my point!!!

 

Frankly, I don't like people who keep bringing up your past mistakes all the time when you are trying to move past them and be a good person. Everyone makes mistakes. And I totally understand the shame part. People don't get it how hard it is to tell someone you really like, some embarrassing stuff about yourself.

 

And I understood the "queen" word in the text in the manner you had meant it to be. I was surprised someone else interpreted in a different way....

 

Here is the thing, if she gets back together with you, it doesn't seem like she will let go of these things. Every time you have an argument she will bring them up. You are 52. You need a more understanding and chilled out partner.. not someone who cant let go of things that happened over a year ago and keeping nagging you.

 

Do you think it's worth it for you to go after a woman, who after 2 years of knowing you cannot interpret your text properly and acting like a child? If you really wanna be with her then have an honest talk with her and you may apologize again but she also has to let go of it. Holding on to such stuff is not gonna help anyone.

 

If I were you, I would be thinking about dumping her.. who wants so much drama all the time.

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kenyon9009 New Member

kenyon9009

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I love her , that's why I keep trying......I also know that if she loved me-she would be trying too but she's not, ouch! This is not a place I want to be in again

starflower Member

starflower

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The best way to show someone you love them is to set them free. If you feel you can do that let her know you want her to be happy with or without you :)

winny Established Member

winny

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I love her , that's why I keep trying......I also know that if she loved me-she would be trying too but she's not, ouch! This is not a place I want to be in again

 

Sorry you have to go thru this... this sucks!!!

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

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Sounds like she is definitely checking out.

 

She said she can't be around someone who puts her down.

I think she has realised how lies have actually do put her down because it's given her no option of having an opinion.

Maybe she is just waiting for the next thing to come up.

Maybe she found out another lie.

At my age (late forties) I wouldn't stick around in a relationship that was making me unhappy. I would have ended this much sooner.

 

Did anything else happen just before her behaviour and interest levels dropped so low?

SpecialJ Established Member

SpecialJ

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She said she feels like you put her down (this has probably been brewing a while or she wouldn't have freaked out about you doing it once after two years, even if she just misinterpreted what you said). You've also lied to her about important things in the past. Some posters said this is a trust issue. Yes, but it's also likely a respect issue: if she thinks you put her down and lie to her, then she thinks you don't respect her. Which, from her perspective, is a totally reasonable reason to withdraw.

 

I'm not sure if you can salvage this, but I think you need to show her you respect her with your actions and also ask her how she feels. That things have been distant since your fight, and you are concerned that it has been causing miscommunication that you want to work through with her if possible. Good luck.

Edited by SpecialJ
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