Savepate Posted February 10, 2018 Posted February 10, 2018 My ex of almost two years broke up with me over video call a little over 10 days from returning to the States to finish her Master's. A little background I am 32/m and she's 23/f. This is my first relationship ever, serious or otherwise. I've never had the want, need, inclination and frankly time when I was in my 20s to actually pursue a relationship. We met at work and over the course of 3 months we became quite close and it was apparent to us both that we clearly enjoyed each other's company and were falling for one another quite fast. I did my have my reservations, being the age difference, the fact that we're colleagues and the fact that she had blood and familial ties to the CEO (unknown to me until she told me). In the initial stages she told me a lot of things, that she identifies as pansexual and that she's had her fair share ofun and exploration. Another thing she would mention quite repeatedly was how much a monster her previous ex was. Controlling, kept her in isolation, didn't allow her to see her friends, constantly putting her down about her appearance, etc, just an all around terror basically. Even as I had never been in a relationship, I still found it odd that people could behave like that and more importantly, that she would tell me this over he course of a week. I told her eventually that her past is her own and that the same goes for mine. I did wonder if she was telling me this as a warning or just airing general grievances/coping mechanism. I also remember her mom and her sibling repeating the ex story verbatim.. I have no way of verifying all this nor did I seek to so I took it at face value. I also remember advising her against jumping into the next one (knowing full well that I was scuttling my own chances). Eventually one day, after dinner I showed her my apartment and she just jumped on me. We were an item shortly thereafter. Early on she told me about the trauma of losing her father at a young age and how her mother broke afterwards, avoidant and not quit functioning healthily but still functional. She also told me that she has anxiety and that she takes medication and goes for counselling. I didn't white knight myself and say I'll save her but I told her I hope she does get better and that she will eventually. Over the course of the relationship I noticed that she's quite the crybaby, crying over what could've been solved by just words. I must admit that I have not cried since I hit puberty so the sight of anyone crying immediately disarms me and causes me to fumble in my reaction. I do know that as with any other man, all I want to do is to let the other person have their all-out cry and to work it out so that the tears stop. Anytime something was a little off, she would never hesitate to mention her ex's behavior. Once she went out clubbing and I just very plainly said it's nice that you have so much friends. She immediately started crying and insinuating that her ex used to isolate her, etc. At this point I was already quite wary of the ex gambit so I told her to stop comparing me to her ex. But overall it was a very formative and enriching experience in this relationship. She really brought me out of my shell, nervy, don't quite fit in anywhere aloof workaholic me. Fast forward to her Master's, she left in August 2017 and we made the usual promises, keep in touch, etc and I felt that I REALLY have to make an effort in this because I am absolutely terrible at it (out of sight, out of mind). By October, the premise had already buckled. Wouldn't hear from her unless I messaged first. I told myself she's doing her master's it's a one year program so best not add to her stress levels. So this pattern went on, barely any time for me. And I do work late, legal, some days I'm at work until 10-11pm and I would still make an effort to text her. I didn't broach the topic of limited contact because I really don't want to trigger her otherwise I'll have to deal with all that ****. December 2017, she's back home and we'd planned a trip together, by this time the strain had already surfaced quite obviously. I really did want to speak to her about all this but her family also came for the trip. Rather than be a drama queen and ruin everyone's holidays I kept it to myself. And to be fair the holidays weren't really that enjoyable, reason being the strain and also where we went itself. Another thing was that we never had sex. I absolutely expect anyone, regardless of self identified genders, to take full ownership of their bodies and also with consent. After I tried initiating sex she said no. And that would have been the end of that as I said alright girly, it's alright we'll Netflix or something. Instead she starts crying and sobbing saying she's been off the pill, needs time to get back on the cycle, it's not that she doesn't want to but she's just not ready, I could if I REALLY wanted to but I'd have to use a love glove. Again, I said it's alright, no fuss, no harm, no foul. Next night we went drinking and after returning to the hotel, I gave her a back rub, etc. In my randy state (chomping at the bits for 5 months) I touched her bare breast, cupped it from a spooning position. I received a cold, hard edged What. Are. You. Doing. And j thought alright man no consent to touch, that's absolutely understandable and I apologized. Next day she was listening to a podcast about redpill men, toxic men, MRA types who use sex as a weapon etc. I don't know if she meant me for me to hear it as well but she turned it on way loud. I felt like I died in that shower. After the trip was done, I told her (completely honest) that all in all it was an ok trip and she took real offense to that. After we returned home, same pattern of limited communication, no contact unless I did, friends friends friends family family family. The day before she left we etmet for dinner, and sometime a week before this she had a nuclear blowup at me for buying her a gift she didn't agree with. We spoke and spoke and twice she hinted that she can't do this, can't continue. Her reason being that we are strained BECAUSE of me, my own turmoil my own stress, seeping into our relationship, having an adverse effect on it. It's a legitimate reason but it's also disconnected. We spoke and made up, and the next day she left for NY but I was bedridden from a sudden illness. When we reestablished contact again immediately she mentioned"us" like have I given it any thought, what exactly are my thoughts. Oh and the usual limited contact nonsense resumef, of course. 10 days after she left she called me on a Sunday morning to dump me. The break-up call lasted an hour plus and during that whole time she just ambushed me and harangued me, EVERYTHING in the world was my fault. After about an hour I told her to cut the lecture short and just tell me what some of her faults are in all this and I told her the limited contact was a problem from the get-go. Aside from this I asked what some of her faults were and she said that she couldn't tell me otherwise I'd see her as a bad person. I fail to mention that little over 9 hours before the break up call I received screenshots of her tinder profile from a friend. I did not bring this up during the call, don't want to fight dirty. So she ambushed me and obviously I was in a very highly charged emotional state so I reacted in anger at her ludicrous question as to whether we can still be Friends. I mean on what planet really could we even be Friends? So she had her cry and she dumped me and two days later I sent her the tinder caps and she very (uncharacteristically) told me she made her tinder account while she was waiting for the time difference to call me to break up. Afterwards she harangued me again about not vocalizing what our problems we're and proceeded to block me from all IM, all social media. My conclusion is that she saw that the relationship was on it's last legs and made you her mind way way before the Christmas holidays even. What I don't understand is why she had to make me the villain in all this. Like clockwork after she blocked me, so did all her friends. Now I'm not pathetic enough to go and pester her friends but I'm just worried that she's hurting my name by doing the same thing she did to her ex when we first got together, making a monster of him to her support network, to gain sympathy with whatever rebound, new person she's with. I am obviously very shattered, it's been 3 weeks since. Is this an age thing? I do realize we are at very different points in our lives. Again I just don't know why she had to absolutely villify me in all this, is it a head on lashing out to solidify her position to validate her actions that ok the anger confirms that I'm doing the right thing. Pretty damn cruel finish to my first relationship. P.S. pardon the long post. Also in retrospect, although the no sex cry defense seemed over the top I think she didn't want to because well she simply didn't want to and also that she is struggling with where she is on the pansexuality spectrum. Odd how I'm still kinda defending her even though I've never been more hurt in my life. Maybe this was the thing she couldn't tell me about.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2018 Posted February 10, 2018 No, this isn't an age-related issue. She's got plenty of underlying problems that she evidently takes very little accountability for. That's why she blames you for everything - it's easier than looking inward and admitting to herself she's got some real stuff to work on. It's also a convenient way to avoid being blamed for her own misbehavior. And yes, she likely is smearing you to her friends and family, because she can't have anyone altering the narrative she has in head of being the "wronged" party here. Maybe her ex is indeed as awful as she says and she's been left with some deep emotional scars, or perhaps she is the real reason that relationship went south. You'll never really know, but it doesn't change the fact that she is not able to be in a relationship with you. My sense is that she's been mentally checking out of this relationship for a long time now. It sounds like that's for the better too, as you appear quite mature and reasonable and would fit better with someone who is on your wavelength.
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