YNWA Posted February 10, 2018 Posted February 10, 2018 (edited) Okay so I met a girl (23 years old, I’m 30) online back in December who I ended up clicking amazingly well with. She came over to my apartment during a blizzard and we really got to know each other over two full days. During that time we really bonded, I’m a teacher, and I learned that she was a lab manager for families in poverty and helping parents raise their kids who deal with depression/anxiety and anger issues. She loves kids and works with them too...this was a huge plus for me...and I also learned that about a year ago she had gotten out of a 4 year relationship, he had moved away and their communication slowly died down until it ended. She ended up jumping right into another relationship that same month (rebound) which ended up lasting 8 months, 7 of which she said she was still in love with her ex. So that ended about 4 months ago. So once she told me this caution flag (not red yet) went up. She is definitely over the 8 month relationship however I’m not 100% sure if she’s fully over the 4 year one as she said she was “pretty much” over it or something along those lines. She had spent New Years with college friends, which he was in the group...so that was a month ago and maybe brought back feelings but didn’t want to admit it or scare me off? Anyway, I realized she’s been in a relationship since she was 17 years old and never really been single. So I asked her if she felt like she wanted to or needed to date and be single for awhile. She seemed hesitant and after asking her a second time a week or two later, she said she’d think about it... We at this point agreed to go slow but date exclusively, so not seeing other people but not officially bf/gf. Things were amazing, we cooked together, loved the same music, went hiking, cuddled, sex life was good, and she was spending 2-3 nights at my place. Now 3 weeks ago she spent Sunday and Monday over and then spent the following Friday over, all was well, my brother and his gf came to town and stayed with me so she got to meet them, and it was an incredible time. My brother said it felt like we had been together for ages. She had been talking about me meeting her parents and family/friends. The next day I made everyone breakfast, and we went off to hike, watched my team play at a nice wine bar, and had dinner and saw a movie together. But mid day she asked if she could Sleep at home that night which suddenly felt unexpected but I agreed...something sort of didn’t seem right about that as I wasn’t going to get to see her for awhile because the following weekend she was going to Philadelphia. During the following week she texted me saying she was going to miss me during the weekend...then the next day said she wishes she could see me that week but we were both so busy with work so it wasn’t possible. Then last Thursday, she calls and tells me after a nice convo about our days that she thinks she needs to date and isn’t ready for a relationship...it totally took me off guard, and my heart felt crushed as I suddenly realized how attached I’d become...but I agreed and the next day she texted me saying, “Hey there, I hope you had a good day at school I just want to say that I am very sorry if what I said to you last night felt unexpected. I truly have enjoyed our time together and getting to know you very much. As I said, I don’t think that I’m in a good place emotionally to enter into another relationship. I don’t know where that leaves us exactly, but if you don’t want to see me or talk to me anymore, I understand. Let me know your thoughts...P.s. I also meant to say yesterday that I hope your dad is doing well with the detox!” (my dad is trying to overcome alcoholism which has been hard) I messaged her back: “Hey there not at all! I’m not surprised on what you said, but that it was suddenly said during that phone call was all haha, wasn’t expecting it but happy it happened. From the moment we first had a long talk and you described your past I felt that you had been through an awful lot over the past year emotionally, and had been in relationships since you were 17 or so. A relationship wasn’t really in the question in the near future due to that, however having said we were going to take things slow, that wasn’t really what happened lol. So backing off and taking some time to ourselves and getting some space now is what is needed. As I’ve said a few times already, I think it’s a smart decision that you, as well as I, take some time to date and unwind from all of what you went through as well as my new found social life haha. Go enjoy yourself! I really enjoyed the time we spent together as well. Sherioushly. as for my Dad I have not yet heard but I’m hoping to get in touch with him soon. Hope you have an amazing time in Philly, drive safe.“ And the last thing she said was, “Thanks for saying that and for understanding yeah I was having a great time talking with you on the phone last night, but I also felt awful that I wasn’t being completely honest with you and so I had to let you know what I was feeling.... I’m not always the best with timing haha. And you were 100% right all along. I too think that taking some time for ourselves is a good decision for the both of us. Enjoy watching the game in the city this weekend, I hope you have an Cellent time ” And that was 8 days ago and there has been no contact as she wanted to possibly still see each other but I had grown too attached...she liked an Instagram post of mine this past week and watches my stories which I’m trying not to read into haha. Just wanted to know what you thoughts and opinions are. I guess I just focus on my life and teaching and try to let time heal it. Hoping it wasn’t an easy way out for her to “let me down easy” that she’s not interested and that she’s genuinely not ready. But if so idk how to go forward from here, if I should wait for a certain amount of time, or I’m the one that needs to break contact in a month/few months time or if that contact should have to come from her first. Sorry for the long post but I’m sure most of you know how feelings like this can drive you crazy haha. Edited February 10, 2018 by YNWA Forgot to add a detail. If someone could edit the title to “not” that’d be great too :) thanks!
olivetree Posted February 10, 2018 Posted February 10, 2018 Sorry this happened to you. I think she isn't over her ex and was rebounding (again) with you. I am going to squash the sliver of hope you have that she is going to come back and free you up to move on. It's very rare that someone goes back to the person they rebounded with because she never really got attached to you. You also dated a very short time = less attachment even without the ex factor. She has also been comparing her ex to you this whole time and it's a comparison you can't win. If you want a serious relationship, I think finding someone closer to your age would be a better fit anyway. Going on double dates with your bro and that settled down life is not really most young 20-somethings idea of fun. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10, 2018 Posted February 10, 2018 I would try to move on from her, OP. I don't think she's got any malicious intent with you, but she said herself that she's not ready to date anyone seriously. She is evidently still healing from her 4-year relationship and needs to emotionally completely detach from that. I know it's tough, as it sounds as though you get along very well, but she just isn't in the same place as you are.
Author YNWA Posted February 10, 2018 Author Posted February 10, 2018 Oh no I’m not holding onto hope that we’re suddenly going to get back together, in fact that’s the worst thing that could happen lol. I’m just making sure I did the right thing by letting her go, asking for time and space in order to release these feelings of attachment...i want to focus on me and move forward. If down the road in life we meet again then so be it but I know for now she must go and date be single in order to fully recover from being in a relationship for so long and then another one right after that was emotionally draining. As for me I’m taking it day by day. Got back on dating sites to remind myself there are so many fish in the sea...of course i came across her literally 40 minutes ago.... she had apparently just made a new profile on the same site which just tore me apart...but that’s what she needs to do. I deleted that site haha don’t need to keep coming across that until I’ve had more time apart to get over the current feelings. So I’ll use a different one...if she comes up again oh well screw it I’ll say pass and move on. I need to get back to where I was before I met her.
Chilli Posted February 11, 2018 Posted February 11, 2018 Yeah , sorry to say but she's a mess. She doesn't know what she's on about. God knows why people go jumping into other things or doing all this dating crap so soon, they only end up in even worse shape and hurting someone else. It really does have me beat. l think all you can do and best is stay away from her for a good spell , 6-12mths. Maybe in time you talk again and she's good, but l doubt it , she'll probably have had another 5 quickie relationships by then because she sounds like one of these people that just can't be on her own for awhile anyway.
Author YNWA Posted February 11, 2018 Author Posted February 11, 2018 Yes exactly, only time will tell how she responds and deals with being single for the first time. If she starts getting into a relationship after relationship then I dodged a bullet lol. And if we reconnect 6-12 months down the road and reconnect then so be it. But I’ll definitely be more cautious and go MUCH slower haha. I learned my lesson and for now she will be a catalyst in my dating life. Turn it into an experience that will positively help my future dating decisions.
NopeNah Posted February 11, 2018 Posted February 11, 2018 I think you both handled it perfectly. Now go and have some fun! Best wishes to your father too.. That's a tough battle.
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