Hello darkness, my old friend...

[TheBlingRing14]

So, a little backstory on this one...

 

I went through a pretty rough breakup in the fall, and have been in a rut ever since. Well...I am starting to come out of it, and decided I needed to start trying to get myself out there. So, I've been scouring OKC and tindering and bumbling and all that fun stuff. Mostly to no results, but...it's a numbers game. So, eventually me and this guy matched and talked about meeting up.

 

Last night, we had our date. He is a cute....very cute, very very cute doctor, so definitely not a bad thing. But, we got along pretty well. Compatible senses of humor, good banter, good chemistry. He couldn't keep his hands off me which is typically a good thing. And, I think he must have said goodbye about 15 times, because everytime we did, it was followed up with 30 seconds of kissing.

 

We were both very much on the same page....not looking for anything long term or serious. But, we hit it off (or so I thought) in a very non-commital, no expectations sort of way. I came away feeling mostly positive- I was feeling like a desirable woman again, feeling like I was ready to get my groove back. And, at the very least, I felt pretty confident that I had met a casual friend....someone for casual hanging out, if I'm in town and he's in town sort of thing...someone who is kind of on the same wavelength as I am.

 

So, I message him when I get home, just to let him know I made it in okay and....crickets. Nothing. I've heard nothing since. So, now I'm re-evaluating everything. Feeling less confident, more insecure. Clearly the guy didn't like what he saw with me. (Although I was completely up front about my looks and he assured me it would be fine) So...I'm feeling pretty awful right now. Maybe I am not ready for casual dating after all.

 

Should I write this off as just a bad experience? Maybe wait a few days and reach out again, just to make sure we are still gonna stay in touch? Should I hang it all up and be done with the dating scene? Maybe I am just not cut out for it.

[winny]

This is a big issue.

 

Why and I repeat WHY is it that, the way you feel about yourself, is dependent on how some random guy treated you?

 

If he treated you well, you feel confident, if he is silent you feel bad.

 

You are setting yourself up to be played by letting your emotions to be so easily controlled by the behavior of others. That too people you met only once.

 

Forget about what his deal is. Try to figure out why YOU feel this way. You have to improve your own love for yourself..... how else will anyone else love you otherwise?

 

As per him, you have done your bit. Sit tight and talk to other guys.

Gosh, woman! You are single... have some fun... instead of getting hung up on men who you were anyways planning to have a fling with (or were you??)

[olivetree]

Funny you think he didn't like what he saw when he couldn't keep his hands off you.

 

I think it's more likely that he was attracted but was looking for an easy lay... that night.

[TheBlingRing14]

Thank you. I mean...I'm not sitting idly by or anything. I have another date tomorrow, another guy I am in the "talking" stage of things, as well as continuing my search on the dating apps. I am all about having fun. But, getting ignored isn't fun.

 

I don't want to say I lack confidence. I am actually pretty confident all things considered. If I weren't confident, I wouldn't be doing the dating game. I'd be going to the gym or getting waxes or having my hair done and stuff like that. I think I'm fine as is.

 

But, when you get completely ignored, it's hard to not have it get inside your head, and you wonder where it all went wrong. Trust me, I've had those dates and flings where it is entirely clear it's a one time thing, and we are never going to talk to each other again. I've had enough of those dates that I am pretty intuitive on when guys are just going through the motions. This didn't feel like that. Not that it felt like a romance or anything...but it did feel like a genuine connection for what we were both looking for at this point in both our lives.

[Whodatdog]

You said yourself you were both not looking for anything serious. So mean what you say. You had a date with a guy, casual, not serious, and you text him immediately afterwards. He didnt answer, so what? As was already said, why would you let some random guy determine how you feel about yourself? Its his loss, right?

 

You determine how you feel about yourself. Dont give that power to anyone else.

[ironspider]

This is a big issue.

 

Why and I repeat WHY is it that, the way you feel about yourself, is dependent on how some random guy treated you?

 

If he treated you well, you feel confident, if he is silent you feel bad.

 

You are setting yourself up to be played by letting your emotions to be so easily controlled by the behavior of others. That too people you met only once.

 

Forget about what his deal is. Try to figure out why YOU feel this way. You have to improve your own love for yourself..... how else will anyone else love you otherwise?

 

As per him, you have done your bit. Sit tight and talk to other guys.

Gosh, woman! You are single... have some fun... instead of getting hung up on men who you were anyways planning to have a fling with (or were you??)

 

I think most people think that when they get ghosted. It's a natural thing.

[mortensorchid]

Remember the 48 Hour Rule : If you have not heard from him in 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again 90% of the time. 10% of the time he may call or text you a few days later, you might even have a second get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to the second requested get together. After that, you won't hear from him again because he's not that interested. He will just be a friend maybe.

 

Am I wrong? No, experience has taught me otherwise. A man who is interested can't wait to contact you again, he's excited about seeing you and will go out of his way to do so. And it must be a PHONE CALL, not a text. Texting is not good because it's a passive form of communication not a direct one. What will happen with texting is that it will taper off into nothing after a few days. One party sends a text to the other, no response and the trail goes cold.

 

As to how/why this guy didn't call you? THere could be a million reasons why or why not, but the fact of the matter is that he's not that into you. You can be depressed about it all you like, but he doesn't deserve you. I am depressed it happens to me all the time - none of them deserve me. It's depressing, it's chipping away at my self esteem. But, it's what it is.

[TheBlingRing14]

Funny you think he didn't like what he saw when he couldn't keep his hands off you.

 

I think it's more likely that he was attracted but was looking for an easy lay... that night.

 

Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking and why I was so confused. As I stated before, I have been on those dates and had those flings where it was very clear that there was no mutual attraction or no chemistry, and you just sort of go through the motions, and you hit a wall and then you part awkwardly. I've been there. I know it well.

 

This was not like that at all. I mean....if he wasn't attracted, that's okay, but he must have been a very good actor about it. Like I said, it took me probably 30 minutes from the time I said, "I should probably go" to the time I actually left because we couldn't go 2 feet without kissing. So, yeah...I dunno why I assumed he wasn't attracted other than....I have no other explanation.

 

 

You said yourself you were both not looking for anything serious. So mean what you say. You had a date with a guy, casual, not serious, and you text him immediately afterwards. He didnt answer, so what? As was already said, why would you let some random guy determine how you feel about yourself? Its his loss, right?

 

You determine how you feel about yourself. Dont give that power to anyone else.

 

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have texted him right afterwards. But, I always thought it was polite to check in after a date, even if you aren't interested...just to let them know you made it in okay. I wasn't trying to get a conversation going...just trying to be polite.

 

And, no, I'm not looking for anything serious. But, as I said....a casual friend, makeout buddy, someone to keep in the back pocket for fun times....I thought he had real potential to fill that spot.

 

Now, I will continue the search, I guess...

[starflower]

This also happened to me about a year ago. I am so shy and it's very difficult to date, but it seemed I had found a good connection. The first time he ghosted I was heartbroken. He would pop back up again like nothing happened and then continue the disappearing act. Ghosting is a mind ****. It was devastating at first. A person would save so much time if they could be honest about what they want right off the bat. And then find compatible partners rather than being sneaky and calculating. It seems the man who ghosted you was love bombing. I hope your next date goes really well and he is an honest guy

[Mkn1010]

The title of this post alone speaks volumes about how heavily this affected you- and all for a guy you’ve met once! People who can handle casual dating don’t have any care factor to make posts about someone they met once. Please re-think what exactly you’re doing.

[PrincessWarrior1]

Remember the 48 Hour Rule : If you have not heard from him in 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again 90% of the time. 10% of the time he may call or text you a few days later, you might even have a second get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to the second requested get together. After that, you won't hear from him again because he's not that interested. He will just be a friend maybe.

 

Am I wrong? No, experience has taught me otherwise. A man who is interested can't wait to contact you again, he's excited about seeing you and will go out of his way to do so. And it must be a PHONE CALL, not a text. Texting is not good because it's a passive form of communication not a direct one. What will happen with texting is that it will taper off into nothing after a few days. One party sends a text to the other, no response and the trail goes cold.

 

As to how/why this guy didn't call you? THere could be a million reasons why or why not, but the fact of the matter is that he's not that into you. You can be depressed about it all you like, but he doesn't deserve you. I am depressed it happens to me all the time - none of them deserve me. It's depressing, it's chipping away at my self esteem. But, it's what it is.

Your not wrong. I just have a different view of the 48 hour rule in my situation. OK done my coach reading BC I am very emotional n get attached easily. Talking w attracive man pre sex. Both working on ourselves. I've had enough emotional pain for 5 lifetimes. Turns out there is some strategy involved in finding a balanced between depositing love and nurturing back into yourself and drawing and enforcing boundaries. I've Ben imaginig virtual scenario's. Point is. I want to break a bed w this guy. Anyone successful w keeping romantic feelings out if it?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Nothing wrong with texting a guy first after a date but why do it if you're going to feel bad if he doesn't text you back? Imo, he was rude not to text you back so you dodged a bullet. Who wants to date someone who is rude?

 

However, personally I'd never text a guy after a date unless he texted me first. I don't think it's rude not to text a guy as I'm old school and let the guy do all the contacting for awhile. It's always worked great for me that way.

 

As far as all the kissing, etc., I agree with Olivetree in that he was wanting something physical. But, he might just be wanting to be a player right now. Since he's a cute Dr. he may have plenty of women who are texting him and wanting to date him casually or more seriously.

 

You may or may not still hear from him. But, don't contact him again. I can almost guarantee you if you do you'll never hear from him again, if that's what you're wanting.

 

Personally, since you texted him and he didn't text you back, even if he contacted you at a later date I wouldn't go out with him again. Just because, imo, it's rude not to return a text from someone you've been kissing. And I like to send my time and efforts on people who are courteous.

[Coup La-La]

Unfortunately the bad side of dating apps is that it incites ADD, when you have so many options many people find it easy to get distracted. You can be the prettiest, smartest, sex loving girl around, the thought of "what else is out there?" is too much for many to resist.

[TheBlingRing14]

The title of this post alone speaks volumes about how heavily this affected you- and all for a guy you’ve met once! People who can handle casual dating don’t have any care factor to make posts about someone they met once. Please re-think what exactly you’re doing.

 

Haha, the title of the post is mostly tongue in cheek. I see the "Hello darkness, my old friend" meme floating around the interwebs, and again...tongue in cheek.

 

I mean, yes, it sucks. And yes, I am disappointed, but I'm not gonna need prescribed anything for it.

 

Nothing wrong with texting a guy first after a date but why do it if you're going to feel bad if he doesn't text you back? Imo, he was rude not to text you back so you dodged a bullet. Who wants to date someone who is rude?

 

However, personally I'd never text a guy after a date unless he texted me first. I don't think it's rude not to text a guy as I'm old school and let the guy do all the contacting for awhile. It's always worked great for me that way.

 

As far as all the kissing, etc., I agree with Olivetree in that he was wanting something physical. But, he might just be wanting to be a player right now. Since he's a cute Dr. he may have plenty of women who are texting him and wanting to date him casually or more seriously.

 

You may or may not still hear from him. But, don't contact him again. I can almost guarantee you if you do you'll never hear from him again, if that's what you're wanting.

 

Personally, since you texted him and he didn't text you back, even if he contacted you at a later date I wouldn't go out with him again. Just because, imo, it's rude not to return a text from someone you've been kissing. And I like to send my time and efforts on people who are courteous.

 

Oh trust me, I KNOW he wanted something physical. There is no doubt about that. Truth be told, I wanted it too. And to me, who's to say we can't have something physical next time? I certainly didn't close any doors to that.

 

This also happened to me about a year ago. I am so shy and it's very difficult to date, but it seemed I had found a good connection. The first time he ghosted I was heartbroken. He would pop back up again like nothing happened and then continue the disappearing act. Ghosting is a mind ****. It was devastating at first. A person would save so much time if they could be honest about what they want right off the bat. And then find compatible partners rather than being sneaky and calculating. It seems the man who ghosted you was love bombing. I hope your next date goes really well and he is an honest guy

 

I am so so sorry to hear that for you. Yes, I have been ghosted before too....a number of times. And, it always stinks. Agreed. And, yeah some of the time, the guys re-surface at some point. And, sometimes, I never hear from them again.

 

I'm disappointed in this case because while yes, I didn't want anything serious, a relationship or anything like that...we did seem to have a really, really easy rapport with each other. Not to mention the physical was definitely there. He definitely had fwb/casual potential.

 

It's funny you mentioned the next date because he stood me up. Man, I am not having a good weekend.

 

 

 

Unfortunately the bad side of dating apps is that it incites ADD, when you have so many options many people find it easy to get distracted. You can be the prettiest, smartest, sex loving girl around, the thought of "what else is out there?" is too much for many to resist.

 

Definitely true. I am not like that myself....I mean while I might keep looking at "What else is out there?" I still try to keep my options open.

 

 

He has not blocked me yet, which I suppose gives me a tiny ray of hope. Okay thoughts, crew...let's say I wait a week, let it simmer. Then, reach out and say "Hey, I will be back in town in about 6 weeks(which is true), if you're interested maybe we could get together again..." or something to that effect? Trying to strike a good balance between definitely open to another rendezvous but not seem desperate.

 

Part of our problem this last time is I was on a time crunch and had a very limited window to get together with him. It was for sure rushed, besides the lingering parting of ways. I think perhaps if we have a little more time, a bigger window of time....it would be a bit better. So maybe if he knows I am thinking ahead and will make room for him in my schedule....he'd be more open to it....I dunno.

[Whodatdog]

Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking and why I was so confused. As I stated before, I have been on those dates and had those flings where it was very clear that there was no mutual attraction or no chemistry, and you just sort of go through the motions, and you hit a wall and then you part awkwardly. I've been there. I know it well.

 

This was not like that at all. I mean....if he wasn't attracted, that's okay, but he must have been a very good actor about it. Like I said, it took me probably 30 minutes from the time I said, "I should probably go" to the time I actually left because we couldn't go 2 feet without kissing. So, yeah...I dunno why I assumed he wasn't attracted other than....I have no other explanation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have texted him right afterwards. But, I always thought it was polite to check in after a date, even if you aren't interested...just to let them know you made it in okay. I wasn't trying to get a conversation going...just trying to be polite.

 

And, no, I'm not looking for anything serious. But, as I said....a casual friend, makeout buddy, someone to keep in the back pocket for fun times....I thought he had real potential to fill that spot.

 

Now, I will continue the search, I guess...

 

So once again you are not saying what you mean. If all you are looking for is a casual friend or makeout buddy, why does he have to answer back a menial text? What if he texts you next week to meet up, why does that not fulfill what you are SAYING but not meaning what you want? If it was only casual that you were looking for, you wouldnt be this bothered.

 

Mean what you say.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I get that you aren't looking for a relationship, just want casual.

 

But, you know what they say about thinking you can do the same thing and get different results. You know what he did when you texted him. Why would it be any different this next time?

 

Imo, text him again, get ignored again.

[olivetree]

He has not blocked me yet, which I suppose gives me a tiny ray of hope. Okay thoughts, crew...let's say I wait a week, let it simmer. Then, reach out and say "Hey, I will be back in town in about 6 weeks(which is true), if you're interested maybe we could get together again..." or something to that effect? Trying to strike a good balance between definitely open to another rendezvous but not seem desperate.

 

Part of our problem this last time is I was on a time crunch and had a very limited window to get together with him. It was for sure rushed, besides the lingering parting of ways. I think perhaps if we have a little more time, a bigger window of time....it would be a bit better. So maybe if he knows I am thinking ahead and will make room for him in my schedule....he'd be more open to it....I dunno.

 

He ignored your text and you see him not blocking you as a glimmer of hope?

You need to raise your standards because it sounds like you're waiting to be fed dog scraps!

Do not reach out again.

[Highndry]

You met somebody you were really attracted to, so you placed a lot of value in the experience, and hope for the future. Unfortunately, he may have had a totally different feeling. If he would have been really unattractive to you, you would not have contacted him and would be thankful to not hear from him.

 

The best we can hope for is to meet somebody who feels exactly about us as we do about them. It's a rare occurrence these days, unfortunately. Maybe he'll still reach out, but a guy who's interested usually doesn't wait too long to do so. I know I don't. I'm not worried about calling too soon after the first date. If that bothers her, she's not for me.

 

PS- What does this mean, exactly?

 

...Although I was completely up front about my looks and he assured me it would be fine...

Edited February 11, 2018 by Highndry

[TheBlingRing14]

 

PS- What does this mean, exactly?

 

Well...he's very health conscious, and like competes in marathons and Iron Mans and things like that.

 

Obviously, he saw pictures of me of course. But, I think my exact words were, "I like food, and I hate running." Just meaning, I'm not like...a 0% body fat, lean mean running machine or something.

 

 

Okay, anyway... crazy new developments: so, the other guy I was talking to that I told you guys about before. I hadn't heard from him since last night, but I was playing it cool, just figured he was busy. Then, I got a message from him about a half hour ago, and he said "I guess I scared you off huh?" Confused, I asked him about it, and we compared screenshots. Well, he had sent two messages that on his end had gone through, and on my end, I didn't receive.

 

So, now I am wondering....there could be a chance that either he didn't get my message or he did message me back and he is waiting for ME to message him back. And, we're both just waiting for something that isn't going to come. Now, more than likely that isn't the case. But, if this other guy hadn't messaged me for a third time....who knows how long I would have waited to hear from him.

 

Does this change your guys' opinion on the remote chance that maybe the same thing happened with date guy as happened with the other guy? Should I still wait, thinking that even if he did message me, he will follow up if interested?