In Freefall and Drowning. me.

[Freefall24]

I feel like I’m in a freefall. Drowning. Lost the man I love and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been dating L, for a year and 8 months. Words really don’t do justice to how much I love him. All I can say is that after a year and 8 months, I still feel my breath stop short every time I see him. I still have a perpetual smile on my face.

 

But while we are exclusively seeing each other, we’re not in a relationship. A year and a half ago, his response was that his focus was finishing his phd, getting his nonprofit off the ground, and progressing in his primary job. He said that while he deeply cared about me, he did not feel he had the available time to maintain and nurture a relationship- that he couldn’t be committed to me or anybody with the amount he had on his plate, but that it was not personal and that he didn’t want to lose me. I was shocked. The reality was, despite him working 7 days a week, we were by all intents and purposes in a relationship without the title. We knew each other’s families, had met each other’s friends, saw and went on dates every week, spent holidays together, had shared the personal, were exclusive, celebrated birthdays solely with the other. In fact, most of his friends called me his girlfriend and he had never corrected them, though I never assumed that in itself meant we were together.

 

When I came out of that conversation, I needed some time to think about what we were doing. We had been together 4 months, but now he was telling me, commitment was not in the cards, at least not in the near present. He kept saying he didn’t want to lose me, that I know how he feels about me, that we were only discussing his present situation, etc. I was sympathetic to what he said and after taking a few days to think, I agreed to continue seeing him. I was still getting to know him at 4 months, and was not in any major rush to be committed. I was just shocked he had shut the door on it before I had even thought to reach for the doorknob. Also, despite his claim that we were not in a relationship, we were already doing everything that goes along with a relationship. It seemed a bit dramatic to stop seeing him simply over a title when everything else was great with us and I essentially had a relationship anyway, minus the title. And this was the man I loved. And not to any small degree. I was really whipped, enamored, just far gone. 4 months in, I already knew he was who I wanted. He was not just my best friend and confident, but also my lover, supporter, partner. He was warm-hearted, caring, passionate, responsible, intelligent, and ambitious. We could talk from sun up to sun down about politics, psychology, mathematics, always encouraged and supported one another. Common, goals, values, interests, good communication. Was I going to give all that upon principle? While I was afraid of falling deeper in love, I was not willing to lose the right person over the wrong timing.

Edited February 10, 2018 by Freefall24
no spacing

[Freefall24]

Fast forward to now. We are 1 year and 8 months into dating, exclusively. Things are great, minus the normal “relationship” challenges. But I’m not the same person I was a year and a half ago. I’m older, a little more mature, and I’m feeling the weight of his choice I cosigned on more than a year and a half ago. I’m deeply in love with a man I can’t even call my man. The more I love him, the more it hurts, because I know he’s not mine, not really, even though he’s there in every way. The fact we have not progressed at all means whether he wants to admit it, he has reservations about something somewhere other than what he told so long ago. In our whole involvement I probably have brought up that previous conversation one other time, because in my mind, once you’ve agreed to something, you should take responsibility for that choice. That second conversation resulted in us being distant for a few weeks until he emotionally broke down to me; this was maybe 7 months ago. For the most part I had let it go, because I believed if you cosign on something, then you’ve made a choice to accept things as they are, and it doesn’t then make sense to constantly be harassing someone about something you agreed to.

 

We’ve been happy, and things were really great recently, so the day after we celebrated my birthday, last week, I brought up the topic. I was at a loss of words to hear the exact same words repeated as the first time this conversation came up. He is focused on completing his work and phd, he can’t commit to anybody, even me, right now because he has so much is on his plate, but it’s not personal and he doesn’t want to lose me. But I know it’s bs. It’s bs because he has found the time to see me, engage with me, share hundreds of memories, be intimate with me, for almost 2 years. It’s bs because I have to listen to my friends, family, and coworkers, his friends, family, and coworkers, and their associated girlfriends/boyfriends call me his girlfriend every day and ask me how long we’ve been in a relationship with no unawkward way to answer. It’s bs because it creates a deep sadness and sense of insecurity being in a non-relationship with no security. It’s bs because many people are living together or engaged at 2 years in, and we can’t even reach relationship level. It's bs because why should it be so hard, to get so little, after all this time. It’s bs because if he went on a date today, I’d have no real right to say anything. It’s bs because by every word and action, we are in a relationship, but he’s resolute not to make it so. It’s bs because I deserve to be in a mutually loving and committed relationship. I deserve to be able to bring up a future together without feeling like I am going to implode us. I deserve not to wonder where we stand after a year and 8 months. I deserve to feel like I have more than pieces of him.

 

I deserve it. And I need to love myself more. I need to care for myself more. But I’m starting to realize, I am in a situation where I can’t be with him and do that to. If I am with him, and he is resolute in what he says, I can’t love him and love me the way I should too. I am not angry at him. I’m to blame. I made a choice to accept what he wanted, that was my decision, and now it has hit the fan. That’s on me. But I am still crying as I write this. Because I don’t want to let him go. But I know I need to let him go. I thought breaking up is when someone tells you they don’t want you anymore, but 2 years has also made me realize it’s also when they want you, but don’t want you enough, they never did and they never will.

 

I need help letting go. I need help moving forward. We had not talked since last week, the day I asked him about us. But last night, he texted me and I responded. I can discipline myself not to message him, though it hurts, and I miss him, but I can’t discipline myself enough not to respond. Because he’s always been good to me, because beside the relationship issue we have no problems, and because I keep feeling it’s not fair to him emotionally if I ignore him, just disappear, when he has also invested two great years of emotions into me. I don’t want him to hurt. I don’t want him to be angry with me. I don’t want to seem immature. I want to be able to be friends one day. He just asked me how I was doing. And I said good. He said he missed me and hoped I was well. I said I hoped the same for him. That’s it. But now I feel like I am back to missing him as bad as the first day. Please help me.

Edited February 10, 2018 by Freefall24
no spacing