Miss-Confuzed Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 My guy has been confusing the heck outta me the last few weeks by keep on changing his mind about what he wants with me. We're both in our 30's and we've been together for 16 months. Our relationship isn't as intense as many i read about on here but it suits us both. We see each other maybe 2 or 3 days a week, always overnight, and we talk on the telephone most days. This doesn't seem like a lot of contact for a couple who've been together over a year but neither of us are the sort of people who need constant contact with each other. All through our relationship things have been great, we don't fight or even disagree on much. Then like maybe 4 weeks ago we start having these discussions about stuff that confuses me. It started when i noticed he seemed a bit distant, he wasn't being emotionally or physically distant, he seemed like he was in a daydream so i asked if anything was on his mind. He shocked me when he said he hadn't realised we'd end up in a proper relationship and that he wasn't sure if he could do it as he was worried about messing it up. He got quite upset and said he was worried i'd finish with him, so we discussed it and i assured him he made me very happy. Things went back to normal after i said that. Next thing happens is i notice he's having difficulties sexually. Either he can't maintain his erection, or we have sex but he can't come. So again i ask if anything is on his mind and he tells me he still fancies me and wants to have sex with me but he worries about not pleasing me. So i assure him he pleases me very much, which he does, and things returned to normal sex wise. Neither of us has said "i love you", but i did tell him that i was falling for him and that he made me very happy. He said the feeling was mutual. The next week we had a discussion started by him, he said he was worried i found him boring. I assured him that wasn't the case and that i always enjoyed the time we spent together. I asked him straight if he wanted to have a relationship with me and he said yes. (I will add here that he has always been very kind and considerate, very sweet and caring with me. He is a very tactile guy, he is very touchy-feely and he always wants lots of hugs and kisses. He likes to take me out and he isn't afraid of showing his affection in public. He refers to us as boyfriend/girlfriend, both in private and to his friends etc.) Then the next day, we speak on the telephone and he said he doesn't think he wants a relationship with anyone, he said he doesn't think he wants that boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I asked why he'd said the day before that he did want a relationship with me and he said "i'm not making a very good job of this, am i?" i said i was confused and he went on to say that when i'd said i was falling in love with him it had freaked him out. It sounded as if he was crying. Then the next thing he said was "do you want to go out with me?" i said of course i do, and he replied "good, because i want to go out with you." Then he returned totally to the way he used to be and started making plans for the weekend! Can anyone give me any idea what the heck all this means when he keeps changing his mind about what he wants.
Mary3 Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 He might be having an affair... He seems to be sabatoging this whole relationship. What else have you not told us ?
Miss-Confuzed Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 I really don't feel like he's having an affair, there are no signs that i can see of that. As i said, he hasn't been emotionally or physically distant, he is as loving as he's always been and he's been behaving quite normally otherwise. I haven't seen or spoke to him any less than i did before and there are no times when he's not contactable or available. I don't think i have omitted anything in my post, nothing else comes to mind that i felt was a relevant detal.
Mary3 Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 These are your words from your post " It started when i noticed he seemed a bit distant, he wasn't being emotionally or physically distant, he seemed like he was in a daydream " He is either being distant or hes not being distant. Distance between you means the phone calls become less.....he seems * busy * all the time. That is usually the precurser of someone being unhappy with you and about to tell you its over. Daydreaming...I do that all the time....Its a form of release and relaxation. If he is simply day dreaming there is nothing wrong with that....he might be a very creative person. But if hes daydreaming about someone else or dreaming he is single again...well then....you might want to keep your eyes open. He may or may not be having an affair . Unless you spend a great deal of time together then its not eliminating the possibility.
Miss-Confuzed Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 I'm not convinced he's having an affair, either that or it's something i don't want to admit might be going on. I know him quite well and although i appreciate we can never know another person totally, he has never come over as the sort of guy who'd lie and sneak about behind my back. Is him having these insecure and unsure moments really a sign of an affair? I mean nothing else makes me think that may be the case, he calls and visits with me the same amount as ever, nothing seems untoward in his house and my stuff is always still where i left it the last time i visited him so i doubt he is having another woman visit with him, he is always contactable in the evening and his tone isn't any different when he speaks to me which i would have thought would change if he was with another woman when i called his cellphone. Also, there's this thing with his family, i have not met them yet but he has arranged for us to visit with them next month and he's asked me to accompany him to a big family wedding, he says he wants them to meet me. He is very close to his family and i've always got the impression that introducing a girlfriend to them would be a big step for him. He has never cancelled or rescheduled or even been late for a date, ever, so i doubt he will change his plans to introduce me to his family. Am i being blind here? Would a guy consistently come across as so caring and genuine and still be able to maintain an affair? This has got me worried now.
Mary3 Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 He sounds like a thoughtful good boyfriend Re-reading your post , it seems he has something very GOOD and he is worried he is going to lose it. This is what I read from your post. Seems he is devoted to you.....No time for an affair here !
933KJL Posted August 28, 2005 Posted August 28, 2005 He is a commitment phobe. The thought of a lifetime can be scary. He also sounds a little insecure to me. Take a good honest evaluation of yourself and him. Are you a 9 and he is a 7? Would he perceive it as such? If so, he may be scared of losing you and not giving you what he thinks you want--sound like it to me from the questions. Maybe he should go see a counselor and see about his self esteem issues...jsut a thought
Miss-Confuzed Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 Apologies if i appear a little dense, but what does "are you a 9 and is he a 7" mean?
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