newbby Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 i have been feeling very sad this morning, and had a very long battle with myself to not email him. so i rode that urge out, and i am glad i did. if he can treat me like he did, then why would i want to give him the opportunity to do it again. if he finds it easy to lie to the extent of feigning a whole friendship, then why is he going to give me any truthful answrs now. if he is such an a**hole, then why would i want to feed his ego with knowing i care. i should have realised that before i tried to be friends with him, and i think i have realised the importance of nc. i have learned my lesson with that. another thing that i have learned is just how much my mm projected onto me, he saw me ONLY through his needs and through his fears. it was all about him, i may aswell have been a pawn. it is only in retrospect that i truly realised the extent of the lies my mm told me, and i am not a gullible person, i rarely take people on their word alone. i did know that the mm lied, of course i did, but i did not realise how far he would actually go for his ego needs. i really feel that nc, stops the emotional entanglement with the situation, as i think miffy said in another post, when you contact you are asking for something even if you are not asking for something. with the contact there is an ongoing power struggle. had i emailed my exmm today i would have felt bad about myself. i realised the ONLY way to say,this treatment of me isnt on,is to not say anything at all. the thing that i did not realise before is that i could logically argue why a friendship was best, but i was only fooling myself with that. it was all just an inability to let go, but it wasnt even that, it was a percieved inability to let go. i thought i didnt have the strength, but it was there all along. does anybody else have any nc experiences to share?
izzybelle Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 newbby, great insights, and i'm glad that NC is giving you more strength. i've never gone completely NC since i knew, for me, that wasn't going to help me heal. i don't talk to him much but now, when i do, it's just all very superficial, does a lot to remind me why it was all so stupid! i actually just talked to him earlier this week to wish him a happy belated b-day. the thing that i've noticed is that as time goes on i don't have the urge or need to call him anymore. and perhaps the limited contact that i have does help with that. it no longer makes me feel badly to contact him. and hearing his voice the other day ... i still enjoy talking to him but it no longer creates those warm fuzzy feelings that his voice used to do. his voice used to be able to make me melt, then it made me hurt ... now, i just feel like i'm talking to a friend. i still wonder, but it no longer matters, how much of it all was lies. but i've accepted the fact that i'll never know the extent of it. how would i ever find out, and would i believe it anyway? so it's not worth worrying about ... but last year this time i lost an incredible amount of sleep over it. ok... so i'll admit it ... aside from not going NC because i knew that wouldn't help me to heal, i knew he wasn't supposed to be talking to me, so yeah, the bi!ch in me wanted to call for a while, just because of that! childish i know, but somehow it helped. i'm glad NC giving you strength, that's what you need to do then! we all find those things that empower us to make it through these messes, so keep it up! izzy
califlorgian Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 I wish I had the strength for nc. You are a stronger person than I. I need to get it together so I can have no contact. I made a baby step I guess. Last night he said he was going to call back. Of course, he was predictable and didn't. Usually I call him back, a few times at least. I didn't call him once last night and I haven't called him at all today. I do not intend on calling him. If he calls me though.... it's all over....
izzybelle Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 good for you califlorgian! i think that's the key, whether the strength comes from NC or whatever, getting the strength, or getting fed up with the situation, is what needs to happen to be able to say goodbye. unfortunately, my exMM also has connections to my work, and although i can avoid most contact, i can't completely cut ties. but life goes on...
Author newbby Posted August 26, 2005 Author Posted August 26, 2005 thanks izzy, i guess nc isnt for everyone. i think though that i was one of those that fooled myself into thinking it wasnt for me either. cali, i didnt think i had the strength either, and perhaps i would not have done had he not initially taken the choice out of my hands. i emailed him a few days ago because i needed to know something about some work he had done on my plumbing. he answered with an opening for contact, i answered shortly with a polite thankyou but let him know there was no further need for discussion. so the opening was there but i didnt take it. i cant say that i would have reached that point without having the choice taken from my hands for long enough for me to do nc and work some things out. in retrospect i should have done the nc long ago when i still had some power. i understand though that this probably didnt happen because at that time i hadnt had the opportunity to see that i could do it. i still dont understand the reason for lying in the friendship, but i no longer need to know. i dont think i care. my point is though, that it was only my fear of not being strong enough that kept me from nc, having been somewhat forced into it, i realised i was stronger than i thought. i also realised that i dont love him. you cant love somebody that doesnt respect you.
izzybelle Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 you cant love somebody that doesnt respect you. YES! and also, as i've discovered, because he didn't respect me enough to be honest, or his wife enough to remain faithful to her, i lost all of my respect for him. so between the two things, the love i had for him slowly faded. but it took a long time to get him out of my thoughts. when you're so used to someone being the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing on your mind when you go to sleep, there are a lot of voids to fill with other thoughts. and that's where time, and perhaps NC, come into play for some. dating again, when you're ready does help. but i made the mistake of thinking that it would make it magically go away. the first time i went out on a date i felt really guilty, like i was doing something very wrong and i remember wondering WTF was wrong with me. how could i feel like i was cheating on someone who wasn't mine? and that really pi$$ed me off, more at myself than anything else, and gave me the final amount of strength i needed to really move on. knowing that i was still letting him mess up my life, and my ability to be happy, was my final wake up call. i couldn't let him have any "control" over my feelings and my actions any longer.
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