waiting for new guy to seriously pursue me

[seamaid]

Hello,

 

It's been five months since I went through a very bad breakup with a guy who didn't really respect me. He was my first bf and I threw my all into this doomed relationship. He lost interest and dealt me an underhanded blow and it was hard for me to fully accept the situation for a long time. The good news is, I learned gradually the hard way that no contact was best, and it really has worked out for me. I can say that I've finally taken charge of my life by focusing on doing what I want to do: taking classes, making art, etc.

 

Well, last Friday I went to this public gathering in another part of town which was devoted to an aspect of the environmental movement that I am passionate about, and I didn't expect to make friends, though I was hoping to, because I am very shy. I am typically the sort of person who never raises her hand to ask a question because she is frightened of the scrutiny. Anyway, I certainly never expected a hot guy to sit down next to me, let alone start a conversation with me! I am not unattractive, but I am not a standout beauty by any means-- the best I can expect as a compliment is "incredibly cute". And I have scars from a 10 year acne problem that only went away recently wth hormone meds. Anyway, I thought he was out of my league for sure. We got to talking and we found out we had a lot in common. The upshot is that he asked me out on my first date since my breakup 5 months ago. I couldn't believe it. Only moments before I had been resigned to feeling like "leftover scrap" who couldn't even keep a relationship. Suddenly, I felt desirable again.

 

The thing is he's very different from the guys I'm familiar with; first of all, he's a different race, he is over a foot taller than I am, he is rather Keanu Reeves-ish in demeanor, and he is very much a regular straight guy with no femme-y ways (I only made friendships with "safe" sexually-neutral guys, other than my ex). He was a "dude". And I am very much not a dudette.

 

So partly the problem is that I don't know how to "be" around him, moreso over the phone, though we interact pretty comfortably in person. I'm actually terrified of him, because he represents the sort of guy I'd always fantasized about, but never thought I could have. And now he is a real part of my life, not just a faraway distant ideal. Thus far, we've had one whole date, two phone calls (which I kept skeletally short and to the point), and a second date (yes, he asked me out again after the first date!) which got postponed because I chickened out at the last minute.

 

Other than my fear of boring him, I chickened out because we went pretty fast that night of the first date. We didn't have any type of sex, but what we did do made him want at least more of the same the next time. Which is what I'm afraid of. I think he now possibly sees me as a fast, easy game, as a girl who is wrapped around his little finger because she is grateful for his attention on her. And it's true that I AM grateful; I said as much. To me he was a godsend, delivering me from the depression of being discarded. But I think I made that TOO clear and came off as a little desperate and not enough of a challenge.

 

I went so fast with him, because I had been starving for that rush of seductive power one gets when one feels desirable. For five months I had been wanting my ex to adequately address why I no longer held that charm over him (and another girl did), and now there was this new guy on whom I could focus all that repressed sexual energy.

And while it was fun, I felt hollow. Something didn't feel quite right about it. Especially since the guy and I talked about how neither of us were ready to be bf/gf. Later I realized that it was because we were still strangers-- there was no actual power I held over him, none that would really last beyond his finally "scoring" with me.

 

But beyond all the complicated sexual politics, I really like this guy. He's hard to read sometimes, and his slacker persona is not the sort I usually see a future with, but we have the same concerns and questions and we appreciate the same things. I see his potential and he is definitely more suited for me than my ex was. I want at the very least to stay friends with him, and I nearly insisted on it at the end of the surprisingly steamy first date. However, my suspicions were raised when he wanted to see me again so soon-- only two days later-- and I couldn't help but think that it was probably just a case of bluballs.

 

The problem is that I'm too nice. I knew that if I rushed off to see him after work for only a very short date, it would very easily culminate in more than the dinner and home movie he suggested. Then all my worst fears would come true. So I chickened out and cancelled that date at the last minute. We made new plans to see each other on the weekend, which gave me more time to collect my thoughts on what I REALLY want from him. I didn't want to do anything I'd regret even more later. I didn't want to feel confused under pressure, imagined or real. I wrote to him an email expressing clearly that I was not a slut, and that I wanted to take things slowly, but he has not answered me back yet.

 

And now, it's nearly the end of the week and I am anxiously awaiting his call (or email). I don't know what I should think if he decides not to pursue me any further. He doesn't want a serious gf right now, so what if my freaking out on him only demonstrated how 'unfun' I am, and what a drag I'll prove to be? I know you guys will say, well if he can't see how great you are, don't bother with him, but somehow, he's much more to me than a random cute guy who asked me out at a time when I was needing that attention. I ultimately want to remove any awkwardness between us and really be good friends who respect each other. And I want to see him again. But I have no idea how I should deal with the unfinished question of sex that we started. I know too well what 24 year old guys want; I know too well what I want (a strong committed and mature relationship).

 

What do you think he will think about my wanting to take it slow now? Do you think he'll jump ship?

 

Thanks so much for reading all of this.

-seamaid

[Linus]

You're second-guessing everything, including yourself. I've done this a lot and have learned to recognize it. Listen to what you're saying: you like this guy, he's what you always fantasized about, etc. You've found what you're looking for--and he's into you!!! But your doubts are how should you handle yourself? Are you doing the right thing about him? And then there's the physical part of the equation.

 

This guy is into you because of who you are. You must be yourself, and there shouldn't be any question of how to do that, since you've been yourself your whole life. If you present a flase reality and somewhere down the road revert to your true self, you're only going to confuse the guy and this could lead to problems.

 

It may be too early to tell what this guy's true motivations are: sex, or something more intimately fulfilling and long-lasting. If this is what you want, you must communicate it to him. Don't put out just because he wants it. Remember, relationships need to be balanced. On the other hand, completely switching off totallly the physicality in your relationship may not be the answer either, and it may not actually be what you want. You need to find the right middle ground--but you need to consider his needs, too. This is compromise time, not one-person-calls-all-the shots time.

 

If he respects your opinion he will work with you to find a solution. "No sex" may be part of it, or maybe not. You must also understand he might want something very different, in which case you might need to call it off. Good luck.

[seamaid]

Thank you, Linus, you're absolutely right about me being myself.

 

The fact that I am finally dealing with a situation that I'd only dreamed about before has given rise to every possible feeling of insecurity. It's as though I see him more as a test than as a person. In fact, I dwell more on my own flaws than on his-- and he does have them! I think I forget that he does because he's so outwardly attractive and also he is the first guy I've felt attractive to (and who I am attracted to) in a long time.

 

I should just be myself-- since honesty is the best policy. I guess from that everything will fall as it's supposed to. I have to really see that just because I want him doesn't mean he'll be mine. That I must be who I am and let him decide if it's worth the pursuit.

 

I just want to stop taking things so seriously sometimes.

[Mary3]

I think he was attracted to your intelligence and also obviously physically attracted to you as to what occured later.

 

Girl there is nothing wrong with feeling sexy Feeling desired....yes it may have been quicker but sometime things happen like that...

 

Go with the moment..

 

You didn't really write him in an email that you were not a *slut * right ?

 

That may have put him off...

 

He was attracted to you. You were to him. Its nice !

 

Now get less serious.....send him a brief note saying you had a nice time and would like to see him again,...follow that up with a cheerful phone and leave a short voice mail..

 

If you get no response to either...then well ....you have your answer..

[seamaid]

Good news, guys.

 

The guy in question replied back to my "freak-out" email and he responded in just the right way! I didn't expect that at all. He understood why I was scared and removed all the clutter of fear and social expectations and outside pressures with his characteristic blend of sarcastic teasing humor and absolute unflinching honesty.

 

Basically, he told me that I had nothing to fear, that he did like me for me, not only for the chance of scoring, but that I should not assume necessarily that girls who have sex early are "slutty" or considered such by him (he dislikes the negative spin it puts on people who could simply be comfortable with their body). He said I should listen to how I truly felt while with him, rather than letting narrow social assumptions about how men and women are and should behave dictate the dynamic between us. There was more that he wrote but suffice it to say...

 

He was so reasonable.

 

At the end of the email he told me to call him, because he would like to see me again.

 

I think I will.

[Linus]

Call him! Call call call!! He's just what you've been looking for, he's totally into you, and he respects your feelings? If you DON'T latch onto this guy, we're all gonna be mad! SO DO IT!!! Glad things are working out.

[daphnee]

Seamaid,

I say SLOOOOOWWWW down. His email sounds a little suspicious. Sounds like he's trying to get you to "open" your mind to the idea of sex early on and go with how you feel. I.e. if you feel like having sex with him then you should. This is subtle manipulation. A guy who has no agenda will say that he's cool either way. That he's not in a hurry. A guy with an agenda will try to convince you that everyone else is wrong and there's nothing wrong with quick sex in 2005. Bull hockey.

 

It's ok if you two both want to get your groove on and nothing more. Clearly you are not of this ilk. So you need to wait, and then wait some more until you know what the heck you want. I say this from personal experience. There's nothing worse than betraying yourself due to a really stupid guy's selfish manipulation. Even if the sex turns out to be really really good. The emotional havoc you experienced after your ex will be magnified. And it simply isn't worth it.

 

good luck

 

daphne

[seamaid]

Thank you for responding. There's actually a lot more to this story now than there used to be. As I've gotten to know him better with subsequent dates, it's become clear to me that he wants a friends with benefits situation, even if he doesn't put it into those exact words, for fear of offending me (he says "I just want to have fun with you", etc.).

 

It would be fine if that was what I wanted too, and for a second I thought I did. I thought I wasn't ready for another relationship, but now I know that if I'm going to give of myself to a guy sexually then I'll want to give of myself to him in a lot of other ways, i.e., emotional support, cooking for him, etc., which he would have to return as well if I'm truly to be happy.

 

The point that you brought up did cross my mind, but I was so relieved simply to have not been outright rejected by him that any encouragement sounded like good news to me at the time. (I really need to develop a genuine sense of self-worth).

 

Though he and I have certain significant things in common (moreso than between me and my ex), our personalities were just too different to make us a good match. He doesn't act like he's interested in me in any other way than sexually (more or less). He rarely asks me questions, choosing instead to ramble on for as long as he can about his own thoughts. I sometimes feel that he reveals his most "iffy" qualities to me upfront (and without any doubt or shame) not to make me his confidante, but just to test how far I'll stray from my ideals to be with him. He's already told me (1) he has no plans to commit, (2) he's devoted to pot and experimenting with other drugs, (3) he wants no children and can't even take care of a houseplant, (4) he's an unambitious slacker who'll do the least he can to get by despite his prodigious intelligence and uncommon talents, (5) he's had sex with a guy before (his reason: the other guy was really nice and into him so why not?)!

 

Now, I try to be open-minded about these things, but I never ever thought I'd be dating a guy who was so... well, ambivalent about everything, except his leftist political beliefs. He's very reasonable and I can see how any of those choices would be really no big deal, but it is to me, in the end, because I'm looking for someone I can rely on.

 

Our last date ended up with us in his bed but we didn't go any further than fool around. After everything I've found out about him, I think my body just refused to be turned on and we were both left dissatisfied. I'm fairly certain that this is the unchangeable state of things between us, but he still wants to see me again, after I return from my business trip. As for me, I'm still physically attracted to him, and I do look forward to discussing deep ideas with him and doing environment-related activities with him, but that's about it. There's this wall that he's placed between us and I don't have much faith that I'll be able to knock it down, no matter how much energy I focus on him. He deflects my efforts with goofy, sarcastic, somewhat crazy humor... he tries to downplay how seriously I want to take him and want him to take me.

 

When I come back from my trip we're supposed to hang out again, but I don't know what to do. Part of me recoils at the thought that when I tell him it isn't going to work out, he'll just walk away like it's no big deal. Which of course it really isn't. I'm too bloody sensitive. And in my heart of hearts, I'm lonely. Yet I didn't feel any less alone when he and I were engaged in bed together. That isn't what I want. I think I'll say that much to him the next time we meet.

[Mary3]

May I say that you are going to get just what he wants you to get.

 

If having sex and then him yawning and looking at his watch is enough for you while he eyes the clock on the wall , then thats what you will receive.

 

There are women who are fine with the sex-and-then-you-go-home-stuff and it happens everyday in America.

 

But then there are women who want MORE and if you are thinking that he will change his mind you are WRONG.

 

So either give him amazing sex and send him on his way or tell him no sex just friends. See how long he hangs around.

[seamaid]

Yes, I think you're going to be right, Mary.