No_Go Posted February 8, 2018 Posted February 8, 2018 I suppose it can't do any (more) harm to contact her after she leaves the company. However, I have no clue how to start and if I should bring up what happened before. NO - don't bring up what happened before. It is what it is. Just do it like you'd approach any other friend - ask her how she is in the new job etc. And you may sneak in that you miss her to indicate interest but leave it up to her. By her response you'll gauge her interest level if there.
No_Go Posted February 8, 2018 Posted February 8, 2018 It’s absolutely games and deceit. Females simply won’t be honest about what they want. For example how many times do females scream from the top of roofs that they desire nice stable guys who respect them, yet these same females actually go for fun dangerous guys who live on the edge? No that's being unclear with themselves, not deceit. Running for dangerous guys is because they (the dangerous guys) play their cards better. The deceit is from that end and most females I know that go with a guy like this genuinely believe they'll change him into a good stable guy. Naive, I know, but that's what it is.
Jacob_Duluoz Posted February 8, 2018 Posted February 8, 2018 (edited) Dude this sounds like the endless flirting fantasy. These women are ridiculous. You should forget her because she will never make up her mind because she is incapable of being the present, there's always something better for her in her mind. You're just temporary entertainment. Delete her from Facebook right now and if she say's anything to you just be completely truthful, it was pretty obviously a date and she's playing clueless, does she have to want you romantically? No, but you don't have to stand there and pretend her BS smells like roses because that was really obviously a date. She owed you more respect, don't sell yourself short, and no you don't want to date someone who struggles so obviously with basic truths and no it is not on you to define the interaction before it's taken place, that's not logically possible and just another example of how women play the game, it's all on you, she couldn't possibly have imagined you were interested in playing with anything more than your side salad, right? Edited February 8, 2018 by Jacob_Duluoz
TaxMan Posted February 8, 2018 Posted February 8, 2018 I find it highly unlikely that she didn't think it was a date. IF you had hung out as friends previously and developed a friendship before this night, then it would make sense. But this was your first get-together outside of work and it was a dinner/drinks at a fancy restaurant. That's a date. I hang out with a few of my female work friends after hours and on weekends, sometimes one on one. But we've all hung out in groups as friends previously, and there's never been any mistaking any of our get-togethers for "dates" even when they're one on one. Your situation, however, is different from that. She should have at least had an idea that this was a date situation. I'm guessing she reacted that way because at some point she decided she wasn't interested and she was letting you down easy. I'd be respectful and professional toward her and let any contact you have with her from now on be totally work related. If she wants to see you again, that's on her. I wouldn't pursue her any more if I were you.
kendahke Posted February 8, 2018 Posted February 8, 2018 It sounds more to me like she wanted free drinks and food and since she's leaving the company soon, allowing you to do take her out is really no skin off her nose because she will no longer have to see you from across the room. I'd leave her alone. I wouldn't let her embarrass me to myself a second time by calling her and asking her anything.
Miss Spider Posted February 8, 2018 Posted February 8, 2018 (edited) Believed in what stuff... that men take women out on dates to pursue platonic friendship? Well he didn't call it a date!!! He said something like "There's this really cool jazz club. Want to check it out?" Then he asked all of our friends if they wanted to come. And my friends, the bstards, gave a knowing look to him and said no that's okay. So I was alone with him. I think was dropped somewhere before that I "wasn't looking for a relationship" I think it's interesting how the mind and emotions can be so ambivalent, confused, and in denial, whereas the fundamental nature of male-female interaction is as consistent as sunrise and sunset. I think OP's lady-friend probably wanted to be pursued in an ambiguous way, like a live fantasy where they just flirt and flirt, but she never has to deal with anything as scary or invasive as a hug or a kiss. Maybe that is the case and I didn't realize it at the time. I liked that I was going out with someone who liked me. Though when it actually came down to it I felt bad, so I never did again. I feel like a lot of times women love male "friends" give them because it's a different dynamic then a female friend. It usually isn't friendship at all, but a one-sided crush or sexual attraction is there at the least. They are more attentive, doting, usually at beck and call etc. The stuff I've seen friend zoned men put up with from women they were infatuated with really made me sad. Edited February 8, 2018 by Cookiesandough 1
normal person Posted February 8, 2018 Posted February 8, 2018 I do not believe she will suddenly reach out in the future. That's why part of me wants to just talk to her one more time before she leaves but I guess that's probably not going to help me. If she liked you, she would make it easy for you to talk to her again. Now she's actively being cold and distant. You have nothing to gain but a potential "creepy stalker" label and possibly a long conversation with HR. Men usually are interested in a woman they ask to have drinks with. Mature people make their intentions known clearly. Immature people put the pressure on other people to figure their intentions out, possibly after it's too late. I suppose it can't do any (more) harm to contact her after she leaves the company. You'll lose dignity and the chance of her ever changing her mind in the event that you can turn your act around in the future. All you can do at this point is illustrate how bad you are reading social cues and look desperate. If you want to change her mind, don't talk to her and have her see you demonstrate some actual value. However, I have no clue how to start and if I should bring up what happened before. Don't start, and no, don't bring it up. Best of luck. 2
CptInsano Posted February 8, 2018 Posted February 8, 2018 I have to side with the woman on this one. I have had many dinners with female colleagues or even my female bosses. I also went out for drinks with my current boss. Had these all been dates...well, my life would have been rather interesting. I have made true friends at work and these relationships are special, or as one female co-worker said: "You are like the big brother I never had." What I'm trying to say is that it is very easy to get emotionally attached to your coworkers. But it doesn't imply more. I'm not saying that the OP did anything terribly wrong, he just has to accept the results.
Author Kevinehv Posted February 8, 2018 Author Posted February 8, 2018 Thank you all for your comments. Opinions vary like in pretty much every thread. I don't know what to do but I guess it's better not to try anything. What I did not tell you is that we had this date last sunday and her final day at my company will be tomorrow. I will probably not see her after that anymore. This woman clearly doesn't know what she wants since she already told some other colleague she really wanted to stay in our company now.
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