she'stheone Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 HI Girl720, First off, I believe in open and honest communication at ALL times and in every stage of ANY relationship. If you want to know his intentions ask. Now, you can ask without actually asking. For example, you could say something like "I know we've only been on a few dates (two by the time you ask) and so far I like what I see. I want you to know that I do NOT sleep around and I do not sleep with men before I am in a committed relationship" and then watch and listen to his reaction. Yes, he may respond "politically correct" as d0nnivain said but... ...this will be very telling in and of itself...and if he never contacts you again you have your answer without dragging things out. He also may be honest (Not all men will lie just to sleep with you) and say something to the effect of "I'm not looking for anything serious" or something to that effect and again, you will have your answer. We all get so afraid of chasing someone away and when we allow that fear to dictate our actions, we only end up hurting ourselves. Why should you want to waste your time with someone, who's not interested in what YOU want in a relationship? I will say that, any man who has NOT pursued you is most likely NOT that into you and that too can be a very clear signal. As for your fake profile, you allowed your anxiety to get the best of you and you did something you now regret. OK, who hasn't? Forgive yourself and forget about it. Learn to control your anxiety. DO some personal development and spiritual work to grow your inner strength (we all have much more than we believe we have). Sending you much love and light 1
Author Girl720 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 You shouldn't need to ask what his intentions are. They are clear as day to me. He wants casual & not necessarily with you. In 2 months you have gone out once. He's still active on a dating app, which means when he's not with you, he's out with other women. That new place where he ate . . . it was with another woman. It's Thursday & you still don't have a concrete plan for your date tomorrow. You are not a priority to him. I promise if you pose the what are you looking for Q to him on date 2 he will give you a politically correct general answer. Then you will never hear from him again. It's waaaaaayyyyy to early to ask & wholly unnecessary since his behavior should be telling you everything you need to know. So if he necessarily doesn't want casual with me, what does he want from me? I briefly told him I'm an "old school girl" during our first date but I didn't go in depth... so why would he ask me when I'm free? He said we could go to the zoo, bowling, or dancing. I told him I'd let him know if I'm free tomorrow (Friday). I want to, but I don't know if I should.
Author Girl720 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 Your last thread: I also just realized on his OkCupid profile,under interests it say's looking for: short term dating/friends You already know what he's looking for I have under my profile "short term, long term, friends"... That's why I got confused.
Author Girl720 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 I dont think you should ask him. If you like him, enjoy the moment. And then, go and date other guys. Go on dates with other people beside him! You are not exclusive and too set on being with this one guy. Distract yourself, have other guys adore you. It does not have to be about dick pics and hookups. Just go on a bunch of first dates and see where it goes. I've just never been the type of girl to date multiple guys at a time... so it's hard for me to talk to different ones. Aaaah, I'm a mess.
Author Girl720 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 This should tell you all you need to know about this man. Run. :p:p But, in all seriousness, I think it's fine to ask so you don't waste any more time if you two are not headed in the same direction. As some would say, "Every date is a potential mate." Lmao, that SHOULD tell me all about it . No, but really, that's my point. I'm 24, but I don't want to fool around; I actually want to start looking for a potential partner, not because I need it but because I WANT it. And I'm not saying it has to be with him, but because I like him, I don't want to waste either of our times if we're both looking for different things. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 So if he necessarily doesn't want casual with me, what does he want from me? I briefly told him I'm an "old school girl" during our first date but I didn't go in depth... so why would he ask me when I'm free? He said we could go to the zoo, bowling, or dancing. I told him I'd let him know if I'm free tomorrow (Friday). I want to, but I don't know if I should. I don't know. But I don't know why you would keep talking to some guy for 2 months. If you want to go to the zoo with him, go but keep your expectations in check.
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I have under my profile "short term, long term, friends"... That's why I got confused. Why do you put friends on your profile if it's not what you want? or you picked it accidentally? Obviously you are looking for serious dating so why not put that?
Author Girl720 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 I don't know. But I don't know why you would keep talking to some guy for 2 months. If you want to go to the zoo with him, go but keep your expectations in check. Because when I met him, he was out of state spending the holidays with his mom. He came back a couple weeks ago and that's how we started talking more frequently and transitioned into texting. I definitely understand your point, though. I don't want to be played like a fool... not like he's a bad guy, but I know you can't force someone to like you.
Author Girl720 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 Why do you put friends on your profile if it's not what you want? or you picked it accidentally? Obviously you are looking for serious dating so why not put that? When I signed up for OkCupid, I wasn't necessarily looking or expecting anything. I did it out of curiosity... but he came across and caught my attention. I've never used dating websites; this is my first time. I meet people at work, at school... that's why I'm banging my head, because I haven't been attracted to someone this way in a LONG time... and I'd hate to just fall on my ass. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Sometimes when people are getting to know each other wires get crossed. After my 1st date with the man who is now my husband I ended up sobbing on a old friend's shoulder. It had been a bad date IMO & I didn't know why it was so bad or how I could fix it. Meanwhile DH was on cloud 9 thinking it was one of the best dates ever. I had no idea he was so clueless & had basically been out of the dating scene for almost 10 years, only having dived back in a few months earlier. I was actually prepared to break up with him on our 4th date. Just go in with your eyes open, especially if you know he's still active on a dating site. 1
Space Ritual Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Now, I KNOW THIS IS NOT OKAY, but I did it: I created a fake OkCupid account and he is there online pretty much all day every single day. (I just deleted the fake account since it's completely stupid and immature to have it). Well, we will debate about snooping or fake profiles later. That debate won't be solved today. However.. The fact you felt you needed to create a fake profile n order to see what he is up to is an indication of you investing way too much head space into an unknown. Your time spent making said fake profile could be better spent meeting someone else. If you feel you have t go to such lengths, then this person is not worth wasting yourtime on. All the rest of your first post is meaningless because that alone shows you are wasting your tie on this guy. Move on. He's not worth spying on. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 FWIW I made a fake profile to see DH's profile when we were first dating. We were on different dating sites but my subscription had expired. I wanted to see if what he was telling me matched what he was putting out there. It did. The only new thing I learned was his favorite author. After we decided to be exclusive, he told me that he had taken his profile down months earlier. Using my fake profile I checked & sure enough it was gone. I deleted my fake profile . . . which was something so obviously fake like Don't Call Me . . . & never looked back.
FOBolous Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 i always ask this quesiton on the app before meeting up with them. but that's just me.
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 i always ask this quesiton on the app before meeting up with them. but that's just me. Same here, I would not go out of my home meeting someone without knowing what the man is looking for on line.
FOBolous Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Same here, I would not go out of my home meeting someone without knowing what the man is looking for on line. me too. but for me, it's know knowing what the girl is looking for. but yea, i don't think there is anything wrong with this question.
guest569 Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I think you should scale back on “texting all day” and focus on getting to know a person face to face. One date in 2 months is slow. I think it’s fine to ask this question early on, it doesn’t mean specifically about you two, but ask what he is looking for, why he decided to date or what are his goals? I think that is totally fine and nothing to shy away from asking. It’s part of getting to know someone. Until you start getting to know them, don’t invest hopes, expectation and feelings, don’t assume anything.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 You shouldn't need to ask what his intentions are. They are clear as day to me. He wants casual & not necessarily with you. In 2 months you have gone out once. He's still active on a dating app, which means when he's not with you, he's out with other women. That new place where he ate . . . it was with another woman. It's Thursday & you still don't have a concrete plan for your date tomorrow. You are not a priority to him. I promise if you pose the what are you looking for Q to him on date 2 he will give you a politically correct general answer. Then you will never hear from him again. It's waaaaaayyyyy to early to ask & wholly unnecessary since his behavior should be telling you everything you need to know. Couldn't have said it better. One date in 2 months shows absolutely no interest on his end. I've met quite a few guys like these and believe me when I say they aren't worth your time! After our 1st date, my current bf locked down a 2nd date pretty much right away. We kept following up w/each other until we became exclusive. This is just a waste of your time, I wouldn't bother asking as he has already shown you he isn't interested.
phineas Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 I ask during the first date, in person. I don't know why but EVERY woman who has asked me this and I told them "relationship" they ghosted me. When I said "have fun with one person and see where it goes" or something where i left open the possibility of a relationship they stuck around. Could just be an online thing.
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 (edited) I really don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but I think you are getting ahead of yourself in wondering "what he wants" instead "will there will even be a second date" since he hasn't officially planned a date 2 and he continues looking online. I think that is a sign of low interest. When dates go really well ("well" in my dictionary) there has been enough spark where a guy can kiss me and they plan a second date if not on the date, that night or the day after. If not, it's usually more platonic connection (at least on my end) or the date was just "pretty good/got to know someone" at best. I think you're just getting too caught up with this one guy and I understand that. I had oneitis for a guy a little while ago that still pops up now and again and I have to remind myself this is just a guy, like many others. I have to remind myself I didn't even know him so the amazing man he is might not even exist. Edited January 26, 2018 by Cookiesandough
Author Girl720 Posted February 7, 2018 Author Posted February 7, 2018 Although I've previously posted about this guy I'm 'seeing', it'll be the last time because I think dating shouldn't be so confusing. Anyway, to make things short, met this guy online on December, we talked every 4/5 days (he was out of town), but starting January we've hung out twice in the past month since our schedules sometimes don't match at all and we go out of town so we have that in between. He's 28, I'm 24. Last Thursday, we went to Starbucks. I was only supposed to be there for an hour but time flew so we talked for almost 4 hours. He lives 20-25 mins away so he drove all the way to my city. Anyway, both times we've hung out, it's been during daylight (I asked him if he didn't mind, he said it was perfect). I had to cancel on him once, or else we would have gone out 3 times. The couple times we hung out, there's not a single moment of silence. He greets and says goodbye with a tight hug, he smiles ALL THE TIME, we laugh and he blushes, but we haven't kissed, kind of haven't touched each other besides the hugs, or hasn't complimented me. I know he at least tried to meet up with another girl last week, so he's definitely looking for other girls. We haven't had the "what are you looking for" talk either, so I don't have a right to expect anything from him. On Monday, I texted him a "have a fun vacation" message since he left the country and is coming back in 10 days. He replied with, "thank you! Maybe I'll send you a few pics of Colombia and I'll see you when I get back :)" I think he is a good guy and I can't force him to be attracted to me, but if he hasn't even tried to kiss me or even flirtatiously touch my hand, much less attempt sex, why does he still want to see me?? Is it possible he only wants a friendship? (I know I have to ask him, but in the meantime...) I definitely developed a crush on him. I want to kiss him so bad. However, I sent the first message when we started talking... I don't want to be the first who kisses now. What are some reasons why he could be acting like this? 1
Erik30 Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 I think he's either inexperienced with women, or it's just a friendship... but you've also only met him twice yet, so maybe he thought it was still too soon to make a move. (Plus both dates during daylight doesn't help) 3
hippychick3 Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 If he is telling you about other girls he is going out with and is not making evening (or more frequent) date plans with you, then he sees you as a new friend. Keep dating other guys! 1
Miss Spider Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 I know he at least tried to meet up with another girl last week, so he's definitely looking for other girls. How do you even know that
newyorker11356 Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 Wait, he told you about other girls he's dating or wants to see? Yeah, he pretty likely only sees you as a friend.
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