Girl720 Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 I downloaded OkCupid early December (last month). I had never really online dated before. I'm female/24. I came across this profile which caught my attention. He lpoked cute, and in his bio, he said "write to me if you speak Spanish". He's white, and I'm Mexican, so that caught my attention. I wrote to him, "Do you know Spanish or use Google translate?!" As a silly first message and he replied the next day. He usually took DAYS to reply back to me (or even log in at all) but he did briefly mentioned he was out of town. Anyway, we talked more constantly last weekend, and on Wednesday he gave me his number, so Thursday morning I text him and we make plans to go eat Mexican subways on Friday. I told him noon would be better for me since it was our first time meeting and he said that was perfect. I arrive 30 minutes late because my Uber got lost, so I offer to pay for lunch. When met, we gave each other s hug and he kept smiling all the time. We sat there for about 2 hours and we just kept talking and talking, was never a silent moment. I don't know if that's just his personality, but he had a huge smile all the time and of course he was practicing his Spanish so it was awesome. I was instantly attracted to him and really wanted a kiss, but I didn't make an effort because I'm old school and I subtly let him know that, but again, I didn't see signs if he DID want to kiss me. He insisted to take me back home instead of getting an Uber, even though it was like 25 away. This has never happened before - the way I feel for someone I literally just met. I got home around 2:30 and at 3 he texted: "It was nice to meet you, thank you for coming and for lunch, have a great weekend!" And I texted back but wanted to keep the converation going so asked him if he was going clubbing, and he said he wanted to but also had to wake up early (today), so he wasn't sure. I told him at around 9pm, "Well, I'm going to sleep, I hope you have a fun night!!" And all he said was "Thanks :)" That was it. No text today, and he has logged on OkCupid. I feel I might not get asked for a second date. Since I initiated our first conversation ever, I feel it's correct if this time HE texts me first. Am I crazy and did I just create a stupid fantasy in my head? Or am I giving up too soon? He's been in my mind all day and it definitely upsets me that he might have not felt the same like I did. I also just realized on his OkCupid profile, under interests it say's looking for: short term dating/friends, which I I'm not. I didn't give him the opportunity to kiss, much less go any further, so now I'm thinking he lost total interest which sucks. Ugh, I'm very sad.
FilterCoffee Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 Hi Girl720, Welcome to LoveShack! Your intuition seems correct. I don’t think he’s going to contact you because you’re not interested in what he’s looking for. I know it sucks now but you’ll get over it soon.
Highndry Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 I don't think it's time to completely write him off yet, but it seems his interest level is low. Also, the fact that his profile says short term should be your clue that he's looking for a hookup, even if he does contact you. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 I don't think it's time to completely write him off yet, but it seems his interest level is low. Also, the fact that his profile says short term should be your clue that he's looking for a hookup, even if he does contact you. Totally agree. And afternoon dates aren't really conducive to this, nor should you do this if it is not what you're looking for. If this one doesn't work out, there are plenty of other fish in the OKCupid sea . 1
Mkn1010 Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 When I was your age, I was told multiple times that I was marriage material but the guys just weren’t anywhere near that stage of life. I never really understood how they could say they saw me in such high regard but did not want to further pursue things. But these were boys in their mid 20’s, let’s be honest, most of which are NOT looking for a serious partner. This has likely nothing to do with you, his intentions in the profile say it all! It may even be that you were too much of a nice girl that he doesn’t want to use you for cheap thrills. So I’d consider that a favour! 2
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 I also just realized on his OkCupid profile, under interests it say's looking for: short term dating/friends, which I I'm not. I didn't give him the opportunity to kiss, much less go any further, so now I'm thinking he lost total interest which sucks. Ugh, I'm very sad. Why is this sad? Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Goals are not aligned. When a guy has "short term" or "Friends" on Okcupid that means ONS/fwb/Hookup. You don't want that so you'd be wasting your time to continue further! 2
Highndry Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 Why is this sad? Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Goals are not aligned. When a guy has "short term" or "Friends" on Okcupid that means ONS/fwb/Hookup. You don't want that so you'd be wasting your time to continue further! Off subject, but every time I see your name it makes me want cookie dough ice cream. I would almost kill for some right now. That's all. 1
fred123 Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 I downloaded OkCupid early December (last month). I had never really online dated before. I'm female/24. I came across this profile which caught my attention. He lpoked cute, and in his bio, he said "write to me if you speak Spanish". He's white, and I'm Mexican, so that caught my attention. I wrote to him, "Do you know Spanish or use Google translate?!" As a silly first message and he replied the next day. He usually took DAYS to reply back to me (or even log in at all) but he did briefly mentioned he was out of town. Anyway, we talked more constantly last weekend, and on Wednesday he gave me his number, so Thursday morning I text him and we make plans to go eat Mexican subways on Friday. I told him noon would be better for me since it was our first time meeting and he said that was perfect. I arrive 30 minutes late because my Uber got lost, so I offer to pay for lunch. When met, we gave each other s hug and he kept smiling all the time. We sat there for about 2 hours and we just kept talking and talking, was never a silent moment. I don't know if that's just his personality, but he had a huge smile all the time and of course he was practicing his Spanish so it was awesome. I was instantly attracted to him and really wanted a kiss, but I didn't make an effort because I'm old school and I subtly let him know that, but again, I didn't see signs if he DID want to kiss me. He insisted to take me back home instead of getting an Uber, even though it was like 25 away. This has never happened before - the way I feel for someone I literally just met. I got home around 2:30 and at 3 he texted: "It was nice to meet you, thank you for coming and for lunch, have a great weekend!" And I texted back but wanted to keep the converation going so asked him if he was going clubbing, and he said he wanted to but also had to wake up early (today), so he wasn't sure. I told him at around 9pm, "Well, I'm going to sleep, I hope you have a fun night!!" And all he said was "Thanks :)" That was it. No text today, and he has logged on OkCupid. I feel I might not get asked for a second date. Since I initiated our first conversation ever, I feel it's correct if this time HE texts me first. Am I crazy and did I just create a stupid fantasy in my head? Or am I giving up too soon? He's been in my mind all day and it definitely upsets me that he might have not felt the same like I did. I also just realized on his OkCupid profile, under interests it say's looking for: short term dating/friends, which I I'm not. I didn't give him the opportunity to kiss, much less go any further, so now I'm thinking he lost total interest which sucks. Ugh, I'm very sad. off topic i know but i have a question. if it was a different guy you were lukewarm about and you didnt kiss him and he lost interest because you didnt, you would be having a go at him for being a douche for that. i guess what im sayin is a woman thinks differently for different guys?
heavenonearth Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 I have to admit I had many dates like this. Sometimes there were second and third dates involved, and then the guy would all of a sudden ghost me! Not sure why some guys do this, even when there was a lot of chemistry (sexual, intellectual, general), but still, they would ghost. I always felt super ****ty after, really worthless. But it's just normal, I think, that sometimes we really like someone and feel something that the other person just doesn't. We can't be loved or liked by everyone. Just like you don't fall for every person you meet, it's the same the other way around. I would not waste any more time on this guy, to be honest. Knowing how amazing it is when you meet 'the one', that mutual feeling of being totally crazy for each other, and feeling how much the other person wants the same as you --- that's what you should go for. That, and nothing less!!!! 2
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 (edited) off topic i know but i have a question. if it was a different guy you were lukewarm about and you didnt kiss him and he lost interest because you didnt, you would be having a go at him for being a douche for that. i guess what im sayin is a woman thinks differently for different guys? You're a douche for not continuing to date someone who isn't going fast enough for you physically just like there's nothing for not continuing to date someone who is moving too fast for them physically. Edited January 21, 2018 by Cookiesandough
rightondude Posted January 22, 2018 Posted January 22, 2018 maybe he's just "playing it cool" or has other options ... I'd give it a couple of days before you give up hope. Then let him know he doesn't need to play such games. In your own special way. If you want that is. Up to you.
Zippy2000 Posted January 22, 2018 Posted January 22, 2018 Its only been a few days. Give it a bit of time.
Miss Spider Posted January 22, 2018 Posted January 22, 2018 You're a douche for not continuing to date someone who isn't going fast enough for you physically just like there's nothing for not continuing to date someone who is moving too fast for them physically. I just realized I accidentally called you a douche. I meant to write ******"You're not a douche for not continuing to date someone". Seriously, lol. I'm sorry. I hope you got that
Author Girl720 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 Hi all, so I posted this threat over the weekend: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/649775-first-date-awesome-but-seems-there-will-no-second-date#post7517407 And I appreciate all answers. Well, being the anxious person I am, I texted him on Sunday saying the Patriots would lose (since that's his favorite team) and he replied right away with a picture showing his Tom Brady shirt. I definitely didn't expect him to send a picture of him and his brother supporting the Pats. Anyway, we talked all day that day, and he said we should see each other soon so that was it. I decided not to text him again since it was his turn to do it first, and so we didn't talk on Monday, but yesterday (Tuesday), he messaged me around noon saying he tried this food place and it was good. We kept talking throughout the day, but he always takes an hour to reply after every text. He said he wanted to see me again and we're gonna do something on Friday. Now, I KNOW THIS IS NOT OKAY, but I did it: I created a fake OkCupid account and he is there online pretty much all day every single day. (I just deleted the fake account since it's completely stupid and immature to have it). Now, we have been talking back and forth for almost 2 months now, not every day though since he was out of town and such, but last Friday's first date was awesome in my book and I REALLY enjoyed his company. I might have missed my chance BEFORE going out on a date to ask him what his real intentions were from being on OkCupid, so I don't know if I should ask him on Friday the, "what are you looking for?" question. Personally, I don't like dating few guys at a time; hell, if I barely have time for one, I don't know how I could do more than once. I also don't have sex if it's not a real relationship. When he met, he didn't attempt to have sex or get physical with me, which made me even more attracted to him. I'm tired of the dick pics and the hookups out of every guy on dating apps. However, I don't want to seem desperate, clingy, or just too fast if I bring this up on our second date. It's not like I'm asking for marriage, but I don't know how to mention it to him that if all he wants is a hookup, I'm not the girl for him. I feel like if I do tell him I want a serious relationship along the way, he's going to feel uncomfortable and not tell me the truth. This Friday will be the last time we see each other in 2 weeks, since next week I'll be busy with family and the one after that he's going out of town for 10 days. I am definitely anxious for a kiss from him, though. I even dreamt we kissed, wtf. I find him super attractive, funny, and if things kept going great, would definitely like to pursue a real commitment, but I don't know how to bring this up or if I should even bring it up at all.... especially if he's online on OkC all the frickin' day. Don't want to look like an idiot and don't feel like playing games either. I feel like the earlier the better, that way I don't get my hopes up, but I also feel like I might not give him a chance to figure me out?? Any honest advice? Thank you all.
TheTraveler Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I might have missed my chance BEFORE going out on a date to ask him what his real intentions were from being on OkCupid, so I don't know if I should ask him on Friday the, "what are you looking for?" question. You should definitely ask him this question on the next date. It's a pretty straight forward question and answer, and you can decide how to proceed from there. 2
arblaster Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I'd say you're entitled to ask that question before you get physical, certainly before you progress beyond kissing. I also believe you're entitled to get him to agree or confirm he is not using dating sites or flirting/communicating with other potential partners once you get physical, certainly before you progress beyond kissing. Until that point...well, he's kind of a free agent. Sort of.
aussietigerwolf Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 If he has the app then it shows you as online all the time. Regardless if the person really is or not. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 You shouldn't need to ask what his intentions are. They are clear as day to me. He wants casual & not necessarily with you. In 2 months you have gone out once. He's still active on a dating app, which means when he's not with you, he's out with other women. That new place where he ate . . . it was with another woman. It's Thursday & you still don't have a concrete plan for your date tomorrow. You are not a priority to him. I promise if you pose the what are you looking for Q to him on date 2 he will give you a politically correct general answer. Then you will never hear from him again. It's waaaaaayyyyy to early to ask & wholly unnecessary since his behavior should be telling you everything you need to know. 5
Andy_K Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I don't get why people are terrified of bringing this up. If someone is scared off by talk of whether you or they are looking for a relationship, something with a future, etc.... then it means they're NOT. Or at least not with you. There is a world of difference between saying that you are generally looking for something meaningful rather than casual, and saying you have decided you want a future with them. One is a massive commitment/pressure, the other is just a general check to see if you have a compatible mindset and you're on the same path. It's not something to be scared of. That said, it seems more like this guy is just looking for something casual, so don't be surprised if he either gives you a vague dismissive answer, deflects the question, or disappears. 4
CptInsano Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I don't think it is too soon to ask the question, but I don't know how much I would trust the answer after two dates. Unless he is just looking for sex and upfront about it, any other response ultimately depends on how much he is attracted to you. And that may be hard to gauge after two dates.
central Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 IMO, it's never too early to ask what someone is looking for. Of course, even if they want a long term relationship, it may soon turn out that they don't want one with YOU. I wanted a lasting relationship, and I dated many women, but few lasted beyond a few months. My goal did not change, but it took many dates with many women to find one with whom to continue pursuing that goal. On the other hand, I dated some women who clearly only wanted a casual dating scenario, but changed their mind after dating me a while. So, despite what anyone says, their intentions can change.
kendahke Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 You shouldn't need to ask what his intentions are. They are clear as day to me. He wants casual & not necessarily with you. In 2 months you have gone out once. He's still active on a dating app, which means when he's not with you, he's out with other women. That new place where he ate . . . it was with another woman. It's Thursday & you still don't have a concrete plan for your date tomorrow. You are not a priority to him. I promise if you pose the what are you looking for Q to him on date 2 he will give you a politically correct general answer. Then you will never hear from him again. It's waaaaaayyyyy to early to ask & wholly unnecessary since his behavior should be telling you everything you need to know. ^^^^^^This. Is. Truth. All. Day. Long. ^^^^^^^^ Sorry to say, but he sounds like he really isn't all that interested in you. Letting 2 months go by without meeting face to face allows you to build and fall in love with your artificial construct of who you've built them up to be: not necessarily who they actually are. Because you have spent 2 months not meeting him, you think you're further along in your involvement with him than you actually are. Relationships aren't built and grown in a vacuum---they're done in person, face to face. Anything else is an electronic pen pal interaction with you having a relationship with what's in your head, not that person. You needed to have been spending each week of those last 2 months going out and spending time with one another, not texting, if he had sufficient interest in you.
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Your last thread: I also just realized on his OkCupid profile,under interests it say's looking for: short term dating/friends You already know what he's looking for 7
heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I dont think you should ask him. If you like him, enjoy the moment. And then, go and date other guys. Go on dates with other people beside him! You are not exclusive and too set on being with this one guy. Distract yourself, have other guys adore you. It does not have to be about dick pics and hookups. Just go on a bunch of first dates and see where it goes. 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I definitely didn't expect him to send a picture of him and his brother supporting the Pats. This should tell you all you need to know about this man. Run. :p:p But, in all seriousness, I think it's fine to ask so you don't waste any more time if you two are not headed in the same direction. As some would say, "Every date is a potential mate."
Recommended Posts