snowsnowsnow Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 (edited) Hi everyone. I am having an issue with a really jealous and insecure boyfriend. We've been together for 7 years. I have seen this side of him before but usually we worked past it. I just moved in with him last year, but we are both moving in back to our families because of money issues. He is 20 and I am 23. I am going on a vacation with my sister this summer for 10 days. Ever since I told him about it, he has been really snappy and short tempered with me. He told me he doesn't like being left out, and that his family always leaved him behind on trips. He says he hates sitting around and watching me get to do everything and go on vacations while he is sitting at home. But the thing is, after this, we spoke and decided to plan another 10 days vacation with just him and me. I thought this would make him happier, and I am super excited for it. But he keeps on being negative. Everytime I bring up his and my trip, he connects it to my sisters and my 10 day trip for some reason. He asked to see my airBNB where my sister and I are staying and I showed him, and he freaked out that we would be sleeping in the same bed...its my sister. I don't get why he is acting like this. I would never cheat on him, and have never given him a reason to think that. But he has told me he is worried about me cheating. He has cheated on me before. But stupidly I forgave him. I just wish he wouldn;t take out his anger on me because he always gets left behind. He and I went on a nice trip last year together and the year before that, he went in a trip with my sister and I....so i am including him. I don't understand why he says I am leaving him behind, especially when we booked a ten day trip together for this year. My sister and I wanted to do this trip together because we haven't gotten much time together. So we just would like to go alone. I would never care if he went anywhere alone on a vacation. He has been on a trip before and I didn't harrass him about it. I just wanted him to have a good time. I just want to know how do I deal with this? I don't want to leave him....its so hard. But I am loosing it by having to deal with this everyday. I just want him to be happy for me. And what is his problem? Why am I ok with him going out but when it comes to me going out, he has a fit. I wish he can just appreciate that we are going on a trip together this year...he keeps thinking about my sisters and my trip for some reason. He has always been like this when it came to me taking trips with my family....and I feel that when I am on a trip with my sister, he is going to ruin it for me by texting me mean things like he usually does. I just would like to talk to him about the trip without him freaking out. I would just really like him to care and be happy for me. Is there anyway I can make him change? THanks for any answers in advance. Edited February 5, 2018 by snowsnowsnow
preraph Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 Guys who are this jealous and insecure, it's about them, not you. This is a problem, and it's controlling and it can even turn dangerous, and it's not going to get better. You really need to find a new man who isn't this controlling. You know controlling is abusive. 6
smackie9 Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 I had such a BF...it went from getting upset to physical abuse. Dump his ass. No he can't change and it's not your job to do so. He might grow out of it when he turns 30. He is too immature for a relationship with you. 2
Imajerk17 Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 (edited) I agree with both @smackie and @preraph. But I usually try to avoid commenting on threads such as these. See, typically what happens is: The more of a loser the guy is, the more stuck on the guy the woman is. And thus the *less* likely that she will do the right thing and dump the guy. So all the best advice in the world will just go unheeded. Sad to say but true. Anyway OP if you stay with this guy I don't see it turning out well for you and it probably will end up getting worse (physical abuse, more controlling behaviour). I hope you decide to leave. Edited February 5, 2018 by Imajerk17 2
Maggie4 Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 So he has been in this relationship since he was 13 years old?! (you said he is 20, you've been together 7 years) This is what mothers of teenage boys have to deal with. You've got a brat on your hands. I think you will outgrow him. Maybe not this year, but you will, and that might be the best thing for his own growth. 2
act00 Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 The cheater suspects the significant other to be cheating. The thief expects everyone around them to be stealing. The liar thinks everyone is lying. He's projecting his behaviors onto you. He cheated, and maybe he's cheating now, so he suspects you of doing the same and he's projecting his behaviors onto you. You're sharing a bed with your sister and he's uptight about that? What does that mean?? Cheat with your sister? Really? Oh my dear gawd, that is sick and twisted. That alone is dump-worthy. WTGDF?? He doesn't like it when you have a life outside of him. You state he will send you nasty messages when you're on your trip to make you miserable. He has done so in the past. He's making you positively miserable right now, and at what point are you going to start cancelling these trips with your sister or your family BBQ's or girl's night or even couple's night or a night together with your friends (not his, he's always okay with his friends) because he's being such a pill and making you so miserable. This is how abusers behave. It's slow, like the boiling frog parable, that you find yourself avoiding anything that could set him off until you realize one day, you have completely shut out everyone important to you, all your friends, your family, and you have no one. You have no support system. Your only friends are HIS friends, and they'll rally around him while you slowly go insane. You've been together a long time, so the idea of cutting the cord here is scary six ways to Tuesday, and he has been slowly breaking you down. It's time for you to let him go. This relationship is over. It won't get better. It will escalate, especially when you start putting your foot down and calling him on his bad behavior. He'll get physical...I've been there. You're not living together anymore...dump him. 2
LilySun Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 Being jealous about your sister...that's pretty serious, in the worst way. As others said, all signs point to abusive here. Physical abuse doesn't have to be present for this to be true. His way of thinking is not only toxic but very dangerous. Eventually he will start threatening you or your life just for hanging out with your sister. Get away now before it gets this bad. His behavior is not logical and he is not supportive of your family life. Seriously..run like h#ll. 1
BaileyB Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 He's not mature enough to be in a relationship... I would not be dating him. Sorry. 1
GemmaUK Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 I dated a guy (he was in his forties) who was controlling, jealous, totally irrational about a tonne of things and he also sorta freaked when my brother visited - yep, he was jealous of my brother.It was so ridiculous I thought he was joking - he wasn't at all I later learned. Eventually, I got out but not until more and different types of abusive behaviour had occurred. I never did fall for the guy but he got me stuck in a position where I was so exhausted I couldn't get away, his demands shot up dramatically whenever I tried to end it and I had some other stuff going on which needed my time so it just became easier to give in and stay. This isn't going to get any better and you have an easier route out of this through moving back home. You really should end this. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 OP, you need to end this relationship. Your boyfriend is an immature little punk and his behaviour clearly demonstrates that he doesn't love you or even respect you. He is showing signs of abuse already. He cheats, freaks out when you share a bed with your own sister, pouts - this is emotional abuse. It will more than likely get worse. Forget him. It sounds like you've already wasted far too many years on him. Don't throw away any more of your youth on this clown. 3
Rockdad Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 If you choose not to brake things off with him prepare for this. He will interject upon your vaca by blowing up your phone and starting a fight if you don't respond timely. One way or another he will be demanding you give him your attention. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 You need to sit down & have a long hard conversation with him. Explain that just because he's a cheater doesn't make you one & he has to stop accusing you of stuff. He needs to stop being jealous of your relationship with your sister for pete's sake & start being happy for you. People who care about others are happy for them. Suggest to him that his negative attitude is what is making him unhappy not you. Remind him that if he doesn't shape up & be supportive his lousy attitude runs the risk that his self fulfilling prophecy will come true because you will break up with him & leave him behind because he didn't give you another choice. 3
kendahke Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 You have a boyfriend who doesn't trust you and that will continue to blow holes in your flimsy relationship with him. And if he doesn't trust you, why is he with you? He's basically esteeming you as a liar--because that's what people who distrust do. He needs to grow up and you need to step aside and let him go do that. 1
kendahke Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 The cheater suspects the significant other to be cheating. The thief expects everyone around them to be stealing. The liar thinks everyone is lying. He's projecting his behaviors onto you. He cheated, and maybe he's cheating now, so he suspects you of doing the same and he's projecting his behaviors onto you. ^^^^THIS. All. Day. Long.^^^^ The guilty always make the most noise. 3
kendahke Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 Whatever went down in his family where he got left behind on family trips (??? and the state wasn't called in for abandonment?) has nothing to do with you and he needs to take that mess up with them.
lurker74 Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 Well, how cute is your sister? (This was sarcasm. If your boyfriend is worried about you committing incest, you either live in eastern Kentucky or you're dating someone you should dump - or both) 1
olivetree Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 I don't think his jealousy is just about cheating. He's jealous of other people being close to you, hence the issue with your sister and you sleeping together. Basically he's really possessive. He's already told you why - he's very sensitive to being left out the way he was growing up. There's nothing wrong with that feeling, but the way that he acts and takes it out on you is not okay. You need to have a chat with him about it. Explain that you accept his feelings - feeling unimportant, abandoned - but he needs to express it in a healthy way. He is pushing you away and draining you and something needs to change. 1
Kentucky Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 I would let him know how much you love and care about him. Send him pictures every day while gone. Send him texts saying how much fun you are having but miss him dearly and can’t wait to see him when you get back. Make him feel like he’s a part of the trip. I’m an insecure guy because of trust issues with past girls I’ve dated. I’ve gotten a lot better. My biggest love language is words of affirmation. Hearing from you every day may make the biggest difference in the world. If a girl I’m serious with goes on a trip without me, hearing from her once or twice a day would make me so happy. Let him know he’s not being abandoned. If that isn’t enough, he may need to see a therapist.
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 (edited) Kentucky makes some good points about actions you can take to reassure your BF while he's away but that doesn't address how to make him stop being nutty & negative before you leave. To some extent words of affirmation -- maybe leaving love notes around -- or texting him that you are thinking of him -- can help but on another level you don't want to reward bad behavior. You can't sustain a healthy relationship if you have to upend your plans because he's pouting. Edited February 6, 2018 by d0nnivain 1
kendahke Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 He's jealous of other people being close to you,. and this is a glaring trait of an abuser--they separate you from anyone who cares about you and emotionally supports you, like family and close friends. It's easier for them to continue in their abuse if you have no one to reach out to.
kendahke Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 There is a universe of difference between reassuring someone and enabling their controlling behavior. He's old enough to know mommy isn't leaving him locked in a dark basement. She's offered what appears to be a reasonable solution, but it still isn't enough for him. He's not going to be satisfied with any reassurances--and she's already tried that according to her initial post--unless he has OP all to himself and no one else can get close. He needs a therapist more than he needs a girlfriend. It's time for him to grow up. 2
Miss Spider Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 (edited) I don’t think it is incredibly unusual for people are in rship’s to feel a little sad and left out when their SO’s go away with out them. He is a bit unusual in how he is voicing it. I don’t understand the sister thing at all. But you made it sound from your post(or at least he did) you go on vacations without him and your family quite often. Believe it or not, some people would not consider dating someone who traveled a lot without them/had to be away too often I’m not sorry I can be away from someone as long as I want without them getting overtly or covertly sad/upset Edited February 6, 2018 by Cookiesandough
normal person Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 There is a universe of difference between reassuring someone and enabling their controlling behavior. He's old enough to know mommy isn't leaving him locked in a dark basement. She's offered what appears to be a reasonable solution, but it still isn't enough for him. He's not going to be satisfied with any reassurances--and she's already tried that according to her initial post--unless he has OP all to himself and no one else can get close. He needs a therapist more than he needs a girlfriend. It's time for him to grow up. Agree. If the guy can't handle a reasonable solution, that's his problem, not OP's. For me personally, the jealousy and insecurity would be enough to break up with him. I'm not so sure I could get on board with catering to all his insecurities with the words of affirmation or in whatever way. Rather than affirming that you're not abandoning him (which is an idea he needs to grow out of), you'd just be affirming to him that his controlling behavior and jealousy is acceptable and that it warrants assurances from you. He doesn't sound very mature, I'd break up with him, but that's just me. 1
GemmaUK Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 This is not the kind of guy you should sit down and talk to - it's way beyond anything like that. No reasoning would happen. I also totally disagree with enabling and sending him 'miss you' messages on the trip. Bad move. I do suspect that OP has enabled some behaviours which is why they have lasted 7 years. It's time she realised life doesn't have to be like that in a relationship. 1
justwhoiam Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 Look, I'll be very honest with you. I know people who got together at 14 and married as teens and are still together, well in their 40s. But they formed a traditional family, where she doesn't travel on her own at her own will. Decisions are made with mutual consent in the couple, not one-sided. You claim your right to do as you wish, but have demands from a boyfriend. You need to rethink your relationship and what you want. If you want a boyfriend in a steady relationship who is faithful to you, you can't treat him like the 5th wheel and have other priorities coming first, and most of all he needs to be involved in decisions made. Otherwise, just be on your own. It's so very simple. 1
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