Is she stringing me along or...

[TurntSloth1]

Hey all, really need some help here although I think I know the answer. Sorry for a long post but I wanted to give all relevant info. I hope some of you can take the time to read and help me out

 

In a nutshell, I've been basically dating a girl for about two months now. We've had lots of lovely times together: dinners, drinks, walks through the park etc... but despite all of this she insists that she's not ready for a relationship right now and just wants to take the time to get to know me more as friends and see if she's ready to make the jump. Her last ex of four years cheated on her so I can see how she'd be a bit apprehensive, but I just don't think I believe her excuse as if you like someone, you'd be with them right? Even if you started off taking things slow?

 

During these two months we've basically been friends. We haven't had sex and have barely even kissed during this time. She's kissed me once, we've held hands a couple of times and she's slept with me a couple of times (literally just cuddled), and I've respected her boundaries despite showing my obvious interest at the same time. After all of these incidents, we've gone back to basically being friends the next time we see each other.

 

Now the other day we were in a bar chatting and completely unprompted she began pouring her heart out to me (sober person's thoughts = drunk person's words, right?) telling me how amazing she thinks I am. How I'd make a lovely boyfriend and how much she honestly really likes me and can't believe how great I am. She welled up at this point which makes me inclined to think either she's worthy of an Oscar or was being genuine. She then apologised for not being ready for a relationship but said she'd loved getting to know me better and would love us to keep going as she'd feel more comfortable moving into a relationship this way than just basing it on lust alone. It was this night that we held hands and kissed before saying goodbye. Then, a couple of days later we went for a walk through the park and I attempted to hold her hand again - just picking up where she'd left off - but she pulled away and said it made her uncomfortable. Despite being hurt and confused, I didn't say anything else at the time.

 

A couple of days later I confronted her about this and a few other things (getting into bed with me then acting like we were just friends again for example) and basically called her out for leading me on and giving me mixed messages which isn't fair. She stuck to her story about trying to get to know me better, to which I said it's been two months already so if you don't like me by now, there's nothing else I can do and we should forget it. She apologised and said she didn't mean to lead me on or hurt me, that she just wanted some time but she understands my point of view and shouldn't have acted how she did - was I too harsh here?

 

Regardless, at this point I went NC and ignored her many messages for a few days. These started off as attempts at small talk, before she sent me an apology for 'treating [me] like ****' and hurting me, saying it was completely her fault. Finally she called me (four times in one day) so I answered. Basically she said she sees a real connection with us and it's silly for us to not talk and lose that as was only asking for some time. Despite my better judgement, I agreed and we ultimately decided to just carry on and see what happens. At this point I have nothing to lose, right? This was Friday.

 

On Saturday she went out with a couple of mates and got drunk. She messaged me pretty much the whole time she was out. She also called me once from the toilets of the club, and again for the length of her journey home. Now here's the shocker. After two months of trying and going around in circles with her, she called me on Saturday and said she'd been thinking and really thought she was being stupid and that we should give things a go as I'm so lovely. I didn't bite or get my hopes up there and then, especially as she was drunk, but the fact that she'd been thinking about it did please me.

Then on Sunday we spoke some more about general stuff and flirted about her coming to stay at my new place when I move in.

Then I woke up to a message today saying she'd been thinking and she didn't see us going anywhere and that she knows I'd make a great boyfriend but she's not there with me, so she thinks we should stop speaking as she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. We haven't even seen each other for over a week at this point so I have no idea what's changing her mind about me like this.

 

I know that she's not on any dating apps, and she's not the type who goes out and flirts with guys either. Her social life also isn't incredibly active, and basically I'm saying that I genuinely don't believe that there's another guy in the picture right now. She's shown me her texts recently (not for this reason) and there wasn't anyone there, so I really don't believe she's strung me along as a plan B because of someone else and I'm now being given the boot, but am I just being naive?

 

When we spoke before she admitted to being confused. It's not the first time we've settled on not talking to each other anymore to protect feelings either, but we always end up going around in circles. We stop talking for a few days, she ends up reaching out because she doesn't want us to throw away what we have, we end up talking again a bit, things escalate and we end up dating/calling each other daily, she tells me she thinks I'm amazing and would be a great boyfriend and hints at wanting to give us a shot, then she freaks out and says she can't see us together and we stop talking again.

 

The thing is, I read all this stuff about people being strung along and how the stringer always flakes on plans, never answers calls, takes ages to respond to texts, only ever meets up and expects her drinks/food to be bought for them, never makes plans too far in advance, only dumps their problems on the stringee as an emotional crutch, but this girl doesn't do any of those things. Half the time she makes the plans including ones in advance (we're meant to be going out for dinner + a gig on the 23rd for example), always responds straight away, calls me or answers straight away, goes halves on bills or pays outright sometimes depending on the occasion and who paid last time etc, and takes a genuine interest in me.

 

Writing this down I can see that I should probably just walk away and stop this madness, but I also honestly don't think she's doing this deliberately. I feel like she does genuinely like me but I can't understand why she won't make the jump... am I just being a naive optimist thinking that given time she might? Do I let this one go, or remain patient and try to work with her through this? Basically, has anyone been in a position where they've genuinely really liked someone but been wary of a relationship with them? Or is it always just holding out for a better option and stringing someone along?

 

 

I'm past being hurt by it now, I didn't even blink when I saw her message today, we've done this cycle several times now. But I'm stubborn and if I see potential I don't want to throw it away, especially when I do really like her - more than anyone I've ever met before. If she genuinely likes me too, surely it's a matter of time and understanding on my part, right?

 

Saying that, I'm at a place now where I'm no longer throwing all of my eggs in her basket as I just can't commit to someone who won't commit to me. That's unfair. Based on that I'm happy to keep trying with her and see what happens either way, but should I just give up now and save myself the stress?

 

Please help guys, I'm exhausted! And to anyone that made it this far: <3

[FilterCoffee]

Hey TS1,

 

Sorry you’re going through this but what is left to try? She doesn’t want to be with you. Even when she was with you, she was still getting over her ex. Make your life simple by moving on.

[lurker74]

Yeah, that sucks. And what I'm going to say could very well be wrong, so take it with a heavy dose of salt:

 

Her mind likes you but her biological / limbic brain is not attracted to you. That doesn't mean you are physically unappealing. It means that she sees herself with a "alpha" male and you are portraying yourself as a beta. It's what people call be friendzoned.

 

This is not a license to be a jerk but the only way you get out of friendzone is to act more alpha. There are physical things (don't slouch), don't cross your arms, don't fidget, look her in the eye when you talk...and there are emotional things (don't invest more in her than she does in you).

 

But ultimately it's a mindset. Don't feel like you need her or even necessarily want her in the classical sense. Sure, you find her attractive and you would like a relationship with her but it's not critical. That may allow you to portray more confidence and confidence is almost always the number one thing that women find attractive in men. The lack of confidence is often the least attractive thing (I think tied with being too short!).

 

Two other things. Getting out of friendzone is hard. If you're interested, don't go NC. Just back off. Let her come to you. When she calls, answer and be in a good mood but not solicitous. Being in NC is a way to recover from a break-up...when friendzoned, all it does is make you look weaker. Remember...you don't need her and if she's not interested enough, there are plenty of fish in the sea (even if she's the only guppy you're actually interested in).

 

And second, if the time comes when you're in an actual relationship, there comes a point when you drop all of this and invest yourself in the relationship. That is the path from dating to love. Don't let it infect your mind too much or you become a douche.

 

Good luck

[Zahara]

Many years ago, I exited a very bad relationship. I did the same thing this woman is doing to you. My ex cheated, it was a bad long term relationship and I was broken. I met a really nice guy a few months later and "tried" to date him. I wasn't attracted to him but I was attracted to the fact that he was a good guy and that I needed to be with him because he was safe.

 

She came from a bad relationship. She sees you as great potential. The brain likes that great potential in that she should be with you because it would be good for her but the heart doesn't see much of anything more.

 

She needs to heal from her past. When she's ready to date again, she won't be yo-yo-ing with you like this.

 

Yes, you can be stubborn when you see potential -- in this case you're just in denial because you can't accept letting her go.

[smackie9]

Dude time to get out of this. never ever be someones cuddle buddy, it's the kiss of death. If sex is not on the table, you don't sleep in bed with them. You are totally friend zoned and ya I would say she's leading you on....not intentionally but in a sense using you. You just wasted 2 months of your life. Dump her.

 

Tip: as soon as they say "not ready for a relationship" it's time to bail.

Edited February 5, 2018 by smackie9

[some_username1]

My friendzone-o-meter hit 11 while I was reading that. Sorry OP.

 

There is no harm in keeping her as a side piece to see whether you can get her into bed, as long as you can keep your feelings on a low heat and your level of effort to a minimum. Your main priority should be to move on and date others. If you want to be Machiavellian about it you could even tell her you are dating others if you keep in touch, I suspect that might change her opinion of you for the better but, even if it does, who wants to date a girl who only responds when she feels there is a competition to be won?

[Maggie4]

No spark. Super great connection otherwise, which is what got her attached to you. But no physical attraction. I don't think that can be helped.

[heavenonearth]

I have done what this woman is doing to you.

 

About 7 years ago I met the most incredible guy. I did just get out of a relationship, and was still heartbroken over it... yet this new guy really had so much to offer and so I started dating him. We sometimes kissed but I would not sleep with him, and he got impatient, but persisted, because he had genuine feelings for me. To this day, I still miss him, he was a great catch and we were a great match. This dating thing with him went on for 4 months, I only slept with him ONCE in those 4 months.

 

He was not an emotional crutch, nor was he someone I was not genuinely interested in... I even felt some sort of love for him after a while. He was really lovable.

 

But I was NOT sexually attracted to him. And that was the problem. It killed me, really, because I thought he was amazing.

 

Move forward 5 years after that, I visit him and we sleep together. A few months later he comes to visit me and we don't sleep together and I am back to not being attracted to him.

 

In the past two years we have now been back to just being friends, but he definitely is my favorite 'ex' (can't really say this was a relationship).

 

But you know, chemistry has a lot of aspects, and one of them is also that you need to be able to 'smell' the other person. In my case, this was the aspect missing. And I really think that this is what is happening with your girl.

 

It will probably not work out. It seems to me she is waiting for something to make 'click' in her head, as in, she may be hoping really greatly for the day that she will be sexually attracted to you.

 

I remember for me, my excuse was always that I was 'not ready' because of my last relationship. I think I was even convinced of it myself.

But in reality, I just was not sexually attracted to the guy.

 

And I found out very quickly, as I dumped him for someone else who I had amazing sex with.... so long....

[d0nnivain]

She jumped into a relationship with you before she was emotionally ready. She has figured out that you are an honorable guy but she's too messed up to deal with a relationship. She's still grieving the loss of the cheater. She doesn't want him back but she hasn't fully process why he cheated. She's also fearful that if he cheated nobody can be trusted & any man she dates even you will eventually hurt her. She's of two minds but has intelligently determined that she is jerking your chain. She knows that is wrong so has now broken up with you because she is not a mean person.

 

 

Let her go.

[TurntSloth1]

Thanks a lot for the advice everyone. I kinda knew that this was dead but I wanted to be sure before throwing it all away. I won't go completely NC but I guess it's time to stop reaching out, and no doubt we'll drift apart naturally over the next week or so until there's nothing left...

 

That said, there's more to this story that I feel like I should explain.

 

We actually met originally back in June when she started working at the place I used to work at. We hit it off instantly and within two weeks of her starting we'd been on three dates. We'd kissed on our first date within a couple of hours together, and we never really stopped after that. It was the most affectionate, 'get-a-room' type of relationship I've ever had actually, so there definitely was physical attraction

 

On our third date (in seven days no less) we started getting a bit kissy at the bar and decided to actually get a room for the night. We had sex multiple times and that was the start of our sexual relationship. Without going into too much detail, it was very active and assuming she wasn't lying, she enjoyed it as much as I did.

 

Unfortunately we ended up 'breaking up' after a couple of months due to her insecurities (I was on holiday and sent her a vid from the party I was at, so she jumped to the conclusion that I was sleeping around ) and the fact that after a couple of months of seeing each other, I hadn't asked her to be my GF - I know, I know... I messed up here and fully accept it.

Up until this point however, she was really into me on a relationship level.

 

This happened back in September, and after a period in between where we both dated other people for a little bit and things didn't work out, we found our way back to each other to the point where things are now.

 

I know feelings change and all that, but I can't wrap my head around how she was attracted to me and had feelings before, and since then she's seen qualities in me that she loves and sees potential in, but doesn't see us going anywhere anymore. It's baffling to me.

 

I could lose sleep about it and bang my head against the wall for days though, so I think I'll just quit and save the brain cells...

[Lorenza]

It's one of those cases when someone is good on paper, but the attraction just isn't there. She would like to be attracted to you, that's why she kept on going out with you for so long, hoping it will magically change but deep inside knowing it won't work. Just end it, OP

[kendahke]

I know that she's not on any dating apps, and she's not the type who goes out and flirts with guys either.

 

Then how did she get with you?

 

It sounds to me like she wants you more as her male girlfriend who takes her out for free drinks, food and time, plays cuddle-me and acts like a boyfriend with, but really isn't one.

 

If she's isn't on board by 2 months, she ain't going to be on board. Cut your losses and find someone emotionally ready to go forward. She isn't. She's too into playing games.

[justwhoiam]

How do you go from sex all over the place to refusing holding hands? I sense this move is not coming from her strong will, rather from some sort of turn-off. Not sure really. She sounds pretty unstable.

 

Also, I don't see this much potential. She's keeping you at a distance, separated from her social life. She goes out with her friends on Saturday night, where you are not invited. I understand they were probably all females, but if that's the case, you don't reserve the main night out of the week to them, you save it out for your boyfriend, and if anything, going out with other couples/friends together with boyfriend. But I guess you're not her boyfriend.

Plus, she gets drunk.

[Highndry]

This is a no-brainer, she's playing games with you. You go from a relationship where you're having sex, to a breakup initiated by her and her false allegations, and then back into a two month relationship where she's not sleeping with you but giving you all sorts of reasons why she can't at this time while telling you how great you are, then going back to saying it's not going to work and you guys shouldn't talk anymore? Man, dump her yesterday.

[rebeccamuller]

Honestly i feel like I’m reading me and my current boyfriends story. This is exactly how i was in the beginning of our relationship.

We met about 4 months ago. He perused me first and i didn’t really think anything about it. I thought he was attractive and i enjoyed talking to him but i didn’t think anything about us dating because i wasn’t looking for a boyfriend.

 

He spent 2 months chasing me and begging me and i can honestly say that i never once had someone else. I wasn’t stringing him along, i was just afraid to take the jump. I have been cheated on as well and the thought of having to ever go through that again was enough to make me coward away.

 

Me and him would be doing so good and then When it was time to take the next step like going on a date or kissing, i would freak out. Then i would try to stop myself from getting anymore invested for the sake of not getting hurt, and i would try to leave him.

 

He always begged me to stay and told me that he would never dream of hurting me. Finally after trying to leave him about 3 times, i could sense that he was getting tired of the chase and i decided it was now or never and i had to either risk it or quit it. So finally after about 3 months we officially started dating and so far it’s been the best decision.

 

This girl sounds to me like she is having some of the same thoughts. Maybe she is starting to fall for you and when you guys take new steps like kissing and holding hands, it becomes reality that it’s gettinf serious and she freaks out.

 

It’s all a matter of earning her trust which it seems to me like you have given her no reason not to trust you. Not saying you should chase her and beg her but if you really like this girl i think it’s worth the effort to try and gain her trust and show her that you won’t do to her what her ex did.

 

Best of luck

[act00]

You have two choices:

1. Continue as you have been, enjoy the time, and YOU expect nothing. Freindzone, wishy-washy, smooching one day, not so much as a hand holding the next...if you're okay with it, do it...but continue to date other women and find the right girl. This one doesn't know what she's doing. It is up to YOU to expect NOTHING if you continue this quasi-dating thing with her.
   
2. Break it off permanently. You can't go through this back and forth anymore. You want more and you deserve more. Find someone who meets your needs and expectations and wants you back with the same gusto. Don't keep putting yourself in this position where one day she loves you and the next day you're just her buddy. You have plenty of buddies already.
   

 

I think you just need to break it off. She's in it or she's not. This back and forth, hot/cold is unacceptable. She's leading you on. You don't have to be back-burner to another dude. You're simply back-burner to EVERYTHING.

 

Leave her be. You've given her multiple chances. Time to cut your losses, sweetie. I know it hurts, but there are women out there who are ready for a relationship and won't play these games.

[TurntSloth1]

Again, thanks so much everyone, I didn't expect such a great response but I appreciate it so much!

 

Great to see that other people have been in the situation too (well, depending how you look at it) and I think it's pretty clear that I need to leave this be.

 

RebeccaMuller I found your post really interesting. Right now I'm at the point where I'm definitely tired of the chase. Maybe my absence will make her grow fonder, maybe it won't, but I can't make her a priority or reach out anymore either way at this point.

 

We do have plans already in the diary for the 23rd so I'll probably stick to those and go as friends seeing as the tickets are already paid for, I genuinely have no expectations of the night though.