I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 I totally agree. What is wrong with these people?? The dating site is for DATING, so if you're not ready, don't sign up. There is also the option of "just casual." Don't say "relationship" if you only want casual. I think there are some instances where people just get scared. They think they're ready, but when things start to look serious, they get cold feet. Differing levels of "busy-ness" can be an issue. It's going to be harder on the person who is less busy or has an easier time shifting the schedule around to accommodate the other person. Kids, jobs, aging parents, other responsibilities...there are priorities. In certain situations, you expect to be second, but you hope to have SOME higher priority...and when you're always last and pushed aside until later...you have to decide if this is what you want, if it will improve (like getting to a spot where you introduce the kids) or if it's time to move on. I can't say that OLD is greater in this capacity for running into this, but rather it's a numbers thing...there's just more people. As someone who doesn't have a vast social life, and I'm always at work or home, I don't have the opportunity to meet people like when I was young, so OLD has been a great resource (though unsuccessful so far), but look at the "what ifs" and "does s/he like me" and friendzoning, and cuddling "friends" that happen with IRL meetings and dating that you read on this site...the same issues are all there, just not "cafeteria style." And yes, there are the people who like the validation, and they like the IDEA of dating and relationship but not actually DOING it, which lands you with a perpetual texter or someone who's "always busy" until you get tired of it and move on. Maybe for women, they don't want to appear easy or slutty, and they don't want to attract men who want a pump and dump and want a bit of quality and friendship, so they state they want a "relationship" to weed out the men only after sex, but it's misleading to say the least. Exactly my thinking! I always avoided guys on the website who said casual stuff, but would message guys who wanted a relationship. Plus they would be the ones who told me they wanted a relationship. I've had 2 guys tell me they didn't expect to find something real. What the heck were they looking for????? lol 1
Chilli Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 Maybe that's part of it , they don't even expect to find much on a date site anyway. l didn't. l can understand just wanting some light hearted chatter or maybe make some friends during bad times like going through divorce but the thing is they could just explain that on their site , some do. 1
Author Streetlight23 Posted February 7, 2018 Author Posted February 7, 2018 Most people date because they are some degree of lonely. Not because they have a PHD in being a perfectly respectful, nurturing person. If you think differently, you are kidding yourself. What I think is that what has changed is that now a higher percentage of people understand there even are such things as "emotionally available", "emotionally healthy", and "romantically compatible". I think that is relatively new. Huge, huge masses of people still don't know much about that perspective, and haven't ever spent much time in self-reflection and seeking a way to develop such skills. I think the standard level of "emotional maturity" of people over age 25 is probably what a psychiatrist would expect of a 'healthy' 13 to 15 year old. Most people work to find a job that pays more than it costs to live, housing, and transportation. Most people do not invest years of their lives learning how to behave in a healthy way to build a healthy relationship. They either come from a somewhat less messed up childhood, or a more messed up childhood, and then do just over the minimum to learn to navigate life in a way that they can survive. That so many of us expect other people to dedicate years of their lives to becoming emotionally healthy and available before they look for someone to ease their loneliness, discomfort at being alone, or boredom is the strange recent development. I couldn't agree with this more. It might be the reason things have changed so much for the negative in the relationship category. Cheating, divorce, ghosting, casual hookups, all seem to be on the rise, while meaningful relationships seem few and far between. And from my perspective, it has nothing to do with relationships themselves, its the people in these relationships. The paradigm of relationships is still solid, but the emotional stability of adults now seem like the equivalent of a healthy 12-15 year old as you put it. Before I went to therapy, I didn't have strong relationships in general. Its part of the reason I wanted to go because I wasn't happy with how my relationships were going and I wanted to change that. It wasn't some huge epiphany I had that I just woke up one day and wanted to change, it was an ongoing struggle and decided to make a change. "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity" type of thing. Its not hard to do. Hell if I can do it, pretty much everyone in the world can haha. Its sad that most people dont, especially with the raised awareness of mental health. The messed up part of it all is now that I feel slightly aware of such things, I feel like an outsider because I have my **** together. Maybe that's part of it , they don't even expect to find much on a date site anyway. l didn't. l can understand just wanting some light hearted chatter or maybe make some friends during bad times like going through divorce but the thing is they could just explain that on their site , some do. Yes and I appreciate the ones that do! If a woman states in her profile that shes not looking for something serious and I am, even if shes a 10, its a pass. Being on the same page is way more valuable.
kendahke Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 Insecure people that have a troubling relationship with themselves need constant validation. I actually see a lot of regular posters here who seem actually quite addicted to Tinder or other online dating apps and they, too, even admit to being emotionally unavailable. So yeah, people will put their need to not feel so sh*t about themselves ABOVE being a responsible dater. It's interesting that even emotionally unavailable people recommend watching for signs that the other person isn't all in and could be flakey etc when they THEMSELVES are one to be avoided. What a laugh! Humans do not like to feel uncomfortable, many use online dating to ease discomfort they have in just being solo as they don't want to FACE THEMELVES. They need the constant distraction like one might use drugs, alcohol, porn etc ! : drops mike : Louder for those in the back 2
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