Dating while "emotionally unavailable"

[Streetlight23]

This question has been urking me since my latest dating excursion.

 

Why do people (in my case women but I am 100% sure this happens with men women meet as well) date and say they are looking for something "real" but are just emotionally unavailable for whatever reason (too busy, family, not over ex, etc.) It seems like a very cruel thing to do. I don't want to blame this on OLD but it tends to happen more with people I have met on OLD. If you are emotionally unavailable, why are you even on OLD to begin with?

 

Has it become the norm to not work on yourself and just carry this baggage from one relationship to another and expect a new relationship to not only be great itself but be great enough to help feel emotion again? It seems doomed from the start!

 

I think alot of people are getting hurt this way. I haven't been able to tell if this is the new normal or if its just the women I am meeting. The maturity level of this kind of behavior is staggering. Is it so wrong to take a break and be alone for a while until you are ready enough to be open to the possibility of being in an emotional relationship again?

 

What do you all think?

[ExpatInItaly]

Because most of the time, those people are either unaware of or unwilling to acknowledge their unavailability.

 

Or, being "too busy" or "stressed" isn't the real reason they don't want to continue seeing you but they don't have the stones to be honest that they aren't into you.

[Miss Spider]

A lot, and I mean A LOT of people jump on OLD when they are rebounding.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was not a coincidence you are running into these EU women. It can be for a zillion reason. Attention, validation, entertainment, distraction, missing companionship, missing long walks and talking, missing cuddling, missing sex...but still missing their ex.

 

I used it as a tool for other than it's intended purpose at one point. Not going into it because I'm not proud.

 

Emotionally available people deserve companionship too, and I think as long as they are transparent, they should be able to date. A lot of them aren't transparent to others. Often they aren't even transparent with themselves.

 

But besides the people completely incapable of forming romantic attachments with others at least at this point in their life, I really believe most EU's, even busybodies and people getting over past flames, are actually looking for something to *click*. Some people find it often. For some people it's more rare. You have to date to find out. They're not intending to be mean.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

It's one of the many traps waiting for you nowadays. You have to be able to identify the people that lie to you + the people that lie to themselves.

 

The important thing is to not get involved with these people. You do not date someone freshly out of a relationship, period. We keep on warning people on here but the newness, the excitement makes them def and blind. Just ask a lot of questions at beginning and pass on people that have not been single long enough to get back on their feet.

[FilterCoffee]

If you are emotionally unavailable, why are you even on OLD to begin with?

 

To just get laid maybe?

[Maggie4]

It's like a contagious disease.

 

All you need to do is pop over to the breaking up section, and you'll read people talking about "getting back out there" as part of trying to heal and get their confidence back. This is mentioned in the same breath as "yeah I'm working on myself, going to the gym and dating again".

 

I feel like saying, wait a minute, that bench press has no feelings, but that date has got a little heart attached to it.

[Streetlight23]

Because most of the time, those people are either unaware of or unwilling to acknowledge their unavailability.

 

Emotionally available people deserve companionship too, and I think as long as they are transparent, they should be able to date. A lot of them aren't transparent to others. Often they aren't even transparent with themselves.

 

This! Is this normal for most people to not even realize just how much emotionally unavailable they actually are?

 

Yes, OLD is a great place to move on and meet other people and say you meet someone, go out on a few dates, things start to get serious and then realize "I cant do this" because you are emotionally unavailable? This is what I think happens alot and you get to learn this but at the expense of someone else and their feelings.

 

Now if they stated from the beginning that they just got out of a relationship and is not looking for something serious, thats different.

[lana-banana]

There are tons of good responses in this thread already. I'd summarize my understanding of the most common types of "emotionally unavailable"s as follows:

 

- People on the rebound trying desperately to transfer their desires to love and share deep companionship from one person to another, only to realize a few months in that it doesn't work that way;

- People who want sex and company without the expectation of anything deeper;

- People trying to find a connection and who just don't feel it for whatever reason.

 

I really don't think most people enter relationships with the intent to hurt anybody else. But when strong emotions are involved, hurt is inevitable. The most you can do is communicate well with your partner and try to ensure you're on the same page emotionally. If you discover there's a major disparity in your feelings, it's a good idea to end things before the potential hurt worsens.

[mortensorchid]

People want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to have a good time but keep it as casual as possible. When the time comes for them to make a commitment to someone or something, they pull that same nonsense on you (or whoever the other party is) by saying that they knew from the beginning that this was just a casual set up and blame you for being crazy. Cruel? Yes, it is cruel. It is 100% cruel to do that to someone, but ... What can you say except the world is not full of good / nice people? Unfortunately we find out the hard way who is and is not a good person. Not just in the dating game but with others in general.

[alphamale]

sorry but I don't have an answer for you.

[Miss Spider]

This! Is this normal for most people to not even realize just how much emotionally unavailable they actually are?

 

Yes, OLD is a great place to move on and meet other people and say you meet someone, go out on a few dates, things start to get serious and then realize "I cant do this"[:b] because you are emotionally unavailable? This is what I think happens alot and you get to learn this but at the expense of someone else and their feelings.

 

Now if they stated from the beginning that they just got out of a relationship and is not looking for something serious, thats different.

 

I feel this way very often. I can’t continue once I get in too deep. To use an example, this one guy I had been on a few dates and asked him to be my bf on 3rd(knowing full well I would cut and run. Pretty sure he knew that too) He said he wanted to keep seeing each other exclusive, but he didn’t know my last name and I wouldn’t tell him or let him come over . He said he’s ok with no sex and just getting to know each other but not jumpinb into a relationship”. I asked him again awhile later and he agreed.(This was all in text) I broke off with him 5 min later saying” I was jk but thanks for being my bf for 5 minutes, we had a good run.” He didnt find iIt that funny. I still regret this because he was a super patient/good guy.

 

It’s messed up,. Yes it is. I deeply regret and take accountability for my actions. But I was/am scared of what “serious “ entails though I like it in theory. I like the good parts when they are good, but I’m so afraid of becoming trapped and hurting someone, or getting hurt yourself is very scary for some people. Some people just don’t care to have a serious relationship with all the commitment and compromise, but still want to date and have opposite sex conpanionshipZ

 

So yes, once things seem serious or like they can actually go there... I run away. It’s too much pressure for something I’m unsure I want. The guy I am seeing now said he’s down with casual dating so I feel okay dating him. He’s not what I want and I’ll keep looking for that. I hope something(or someone) changes my feelings.

 

Like Gaeta and Lana said, learn the signs of these people beforehand. Learn what theyre looking for. Look for signs like flakey and inconsistent. You’ll get a gut feeling they’re not all in.

 

 

Sorry this happened to you

Edited February 5, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

This! Is this normal for most people to not even realize just how much emotionally unavailable they actually are?.

 

Yes it's normal.

 

I don't know if you have had a broken heart before but when we do we are very vulnerable and our judgement is impaired. We don't know which way is up or down anymore and we tend to reach for what feels good. For some it's alcohol, drugs, overeating, sex, love conquests, etc.

 

You, as a person that is not on the rebound, should have enough judgement to recognize the red flags and to not come close.

 

I remember when I was dating, I met this man over coffee. He told me he had just come out of a 25 year marriage not 2 months ago. In disbelief I asked him why he was on a dating site? and he said he was absolutely ready to move on, that he's the most happy in a relationship and he's looking forward to the next one. Do you think I believed that? of course not. The man was lying so good to himself he may have convinced the next woman. He didn't convince me because I know better. I've been there, I know how it works.

[Streetlight23]

Like Gaeta and Lana said, learn the signs of these people beforehand. Learn what theyre looking for. Look for signs like flakey and inconsistent. You’ll get a gut feeling they’re not all in.

 

 

Sorry this happened to you

 

The situation that spurred this question came from someone that lovebombed me for weeks then became extremely depressed and told me she didn't have feelings for anything (including me) and basically ghosted. I am 95% sure it had something to do with her ex-boyfriend messing with her head. If he had that much ability to mess with her head and ruin any type of new relationship, she clearly wasn't over her ex. She told me she was before I got invested and she really did seem that way, but I guess 1 text from her ex made her realize she wasn't.

 

I guess I am wired differently? I don't even entertain the idea of dating if I am still trying to get over someone else. Yes, I miss the companionship of the opposite sex but I am also ok with being alone and doing my own thing till I wake up one day and say "I am ready to be in a relationship again"

 

The idea of using someone else to make myself feel better is selfish? and if years of therapy have taught me anything is that no one can make me feel better, I have to feel better about myself first before that can happen.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Streetlight23

[Gaeta]

The situation that spurred this question came from someone that lovebombed me for weeks then became extremely depressed and told me she didn't have feelings for anything (including me) and basically ghosted.

 

Yes normal, she is hurting and went for something that feels good, often it's the excitement of a new man (new woman). As soon as it stopped feeling good and it started feeling like something real she was gone. We see that often on here.

 

Now, your job is to get better at recognizing the signs because this woman threw red flags left and right when she met you. The biggest red flag here was her lovebombing.

[Miss Spider]

Yes it's normal.

 

I don't know if you have had a broken heart before but when we do we are very vulnerable and our judgement is impaired. We don't know which way is up or down anymore and we tend to reach for what feels good. For some it's alcohol, drugs, overeating, sex, love conquests, etc.

 

You, as a person that is not on the rebound, should have enough judgement to recognize the red flags and to not come close

 

I remember when I was dating, I met this man over coffee. He told me he had just come out of a 25 year marriage not 2 months ago. In disbelief I asked him why he was on a dating site? and he said he was absolutely ready to move on, that he's the most happy in a relationship and he's looking forward to the next one. Do you think I believed that? of course not. The man was lying so good to himself he may have convinced the next woman. He didn't convince me because I know better. I've been there, I know how it works.

 

2 months out of 25 year relationship. Sheesh. There are often glaring red flags. With the guy I mentioned, you’d have to be crazy to see them. Talked about my ex at least 50% of the time, even my ex’s fathers issues on our first date. I showed him pics of my ex (who looked a lot like him)

and told him I think the resemblance is why I’m so into him

 

Some people are smore stealth about it though. Some people will even lie about when their last relationship ended. I’m sure some can really fool you if you aren’t seasoned at picking up all the signs

[kendahke]

I think you're onto something here.

 

I was talking with a guy about 3 years ago who made it seem like he really liked me, really wanted to be with me, but in the end, he was closed off and cold and was nothing like how he made himself out to be. He is emotionally shut down, and perhaps that's why he finds himself divorced and his only child doesn't have anything to do with him.

 

Yet, to read his dating profile, he's 66 and is open to fathering children. ??!?!!?!?!?!

Can't really do that if you're shut down like LA after 1am.

[kendahke]

It's like a contagious disease.

 

All you need to do is pop over to the breaking up section, and you'll read people talking about "getting back out there" as part of trying to heal and get their confidence back. This is mentioned in the same breath as "yeah I'm working on myself, going to the gym and dating again".

 

I feel like saying, wait a minute, that bench press has no feelings, but that date has got a little heart attached to it.

 

Well said.

 

That whole "get over someone by getting under someone new" seems to be a prevailing notion.

[Mkn1010]

Insecure people that have a troubling relationship with themselves need constant validation. I actually see a lot of regular posters here who seem actually quite addicted to Tinder or other online dating apps and they, too, even admit to being emotionally unavailable. So yeah, people will put their need to not feel so sh*t about themselves ABOVE being a responsible dater. It's interesting that even emotionally unavailable people recommend watching for signs that the other person isn't all in and could be flakey etc when they THEMSELVES are one to be avoided. What a laugh!

 

 

Humans do not like to feel uncomfortable, many use online dating to ease discomfort they have in just being solo as they don't want to FACE THEMELVES. They need the constant distraction like one might use drugs, alcohol, porn etc

 

 

Yeah we're a fallen race!

Edited February 5, 2018 by Mkn1010

[I'veseenbetterlol]

People want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to have a good time but keep it as casual as possible. When the time comes for them to make a commitment to someone or something, they pull that same nonsense on you (or whoever the other party is) by saying that they knew from the beginning that this was just a casual set up and blame you for being crazy. Cruel? Yes, it is cruel. It is 100% cruel to do that to someone, but ... What can you say except the world is not full of good / nice people? Unfortunately we find out the hard way who is and is not a good person. Not just in the dating game but with others in general.

 

I have been on the receiving side and cruel is a word I would use to describe their actions. These people (men and women), want someone to heal their wounds/self esteem while not having any strings attached. Do not let anyone string you along and don't wait it out either.

[act00]

I totally agree. What is wrong with these people?? The dating site is for DATING, so if you're not ready, don't sign up. There is also the option of "just casual." Don't say "relationship" if you only want casual.

 

I think there are some instances where people just get scared. They think they're ready, but when things start to look serious, they get cold feet.

 

Differing levels of "busy-ness" can be an issue. It's going to be harder on the person who is less busy or has an easier time shifting the schedule around to accommodate the other person. Kids, jobs, aging parents, other responsibilities...there are priorities. In certain situations, you expect to be second, but you hope to have SOME higher priority...and when you're always last and pushed aside until later...you have to decide if this is what you want, if it will improve (like getting to a spot where you introduce the kids) or if it's time to move on.

 

I can't say that OLD is greater in this capacity for running into this, but rather it's a numbers thing...there's just more people. As someone who doesn't have a vast social life, and I'm always at work or home, I don't have the opportunity to meet people like when I was young, so OLD has been a great resource (though unsuccessful so far), but look at the "what ifs" and "does s/he like me" and friendzoning, and cuddling "friends" that happen with IRL meetings and dating that you read on this site...the same issues are all there, just not "cafeteria style."

 

And yes, there are the people who like the validation, and they like the IDEA of dating and relationship but not actually DOING it, which lands you with a perpetual texter or someone who's "always busy" until you get tired of it and move on.

 

Maybe for women, they don't want to appear easy or slutty, and they don't want to attract men who want a pump and dump and want a bit of quality and friendship, so they state they want a "relationship" to weed out the men only after sex, but it's misleading to say the least.

[Chilli]

Yeah l agree and damned if l know why people can't just live and let live for a few years after divorce or long term break ups.

lt is staggering , it's ruining the thing in the person l've recently met and it ruined the thing in the relationship l found after my divorce.

l took 3 yrs myself after my divorce, just did what l wanted , looked after my daughter and stayed out of it.

 

l can understand if l was to ask somebody out that l'd just met around and she wasn't ready but to put yourself on date sites claiming to want your soul mate and the one and a serious lasting relationship when your still that effd up you panic and bolt if it does come along , or subconsciously sabotage it to pieces , is just bullshyt.

 

The date site l was on was full of them.

But thankfully , talking women in their 40s or so , there were also a lot that had used their brains and were just new on the scene after staying out of it often 5 or 8 yrs to raise their kids properly and get themselves straight.

That l respect the hell out of.

[Streetlight23]

Thank you everyone for all the responses!

 

It seems that this happens more often than it should and it sucks for the people on the other end. Its very hard not to lose a little faith in being able to find someone when things like this seem to happen more often than not.

 

I'll admit I may be a little naive in seeing the signs before it gets too far but I still have faith in people being decent I guess. I try to see the best in everyone and still get a little shocked when they let me down. I dont want to go full on cynic as I dont think that is the best course of action, but some middle ground might be nice haha

[Popsicle]

Because they are only thinking about what they want From you, rather than what they can give to you.

 

It’s only when you’re there and needing things that they reveal to you that they can’t give it. Or worse, you foolishly stick around trying to unlock all their love or heal their past hurts.

[Calmandfocused]

I suppose I'm one of those single people you call "emotionally unavailable". But I avoid OLD at all costs. Some of my friends cannot believe I'm not dying to sign up to OLD following a (horrendous) divorce but there are very good reasons why I will not.

 

I don't want a relationship and I don't want casual sex. I don't want to date and/ or go through the stress of telling someone "sorry I'm just not feeling it" I also do not think it's fair to mess other people around when I know with 100% certainty that I'm just not ready to be with anyone ...

 

Unfortunately not everyone has that same insight and (understandably) do whatever to take their pain away and feel good about themselves, if only momentarily. Unfortunately that can come at the expense of others emotions, but like others have said I don't think the intention is to purposely hurt anyone. I think people just want to feel better about themselves.

[Sunlight72]

Why do people (in my case women but I am 100% sure this happens with men women meet as well) date and say they are looking for something "real" but are just emotionally unavailable for whatever reason (too busy, family, not over ex, etc.)....

....I haven't been able to tell if this is the new normal or if its just the women I am meeting. The maturity level of this kind of behavior is staggering. Is it so wrong to take a break and be alone for a while until you are ready enough to be open to the possibility of being in an emotional relationship again?

 

What do you all think?

Most people date because they are some degree of lonely. Not because they have a PHD in being a perfectly respectful, nurturing person. If you think differently, you are kidding yourself.

 

What I think is that what has changed is that now a higher percentage of people understand there even are such things as "emotionally available", "emotionally healthy", and "romantically compatible". I think that is relatively new.

 

Huge, huge masses of people still don't know much about that perspective, and haven't ever spent much time in self-reflection and seeking a way to develop such skills.

 

I think the standard level of "emotional maturity" of people over age 25 is probably what a psychiatrist would expect of a 'healthy' 13 to 15 year old.

 

Most people work to find a job that pays more than it costs to live, housing, and transportation. Most people do not invest years of their lives learning how to behave in a healthy way to build a healthy relationship. They either come from a somewhat less messed up childhood, or a more messed up childhood, and then do just over the minimum to learn to navigate life in a way that they can survive.

 

That so many of us expect other people to dedicate years of their lives to becoming emotionally healthy and available before they look for someone to ease their loneliness, discomfort at being alone, or boredom is the strange recent development.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Sunlight72