Chasing after a girl with self-image issues?

[EveningEmbers]

I have quite the interesting story.

 

I literally gave up on dating for 3 years and focused on my career and passions. Even though I had opportunities to enter relationships with quite a few other women during this period and the signs during the dates were very clear, I was not interested in them. But, a few months ago, I met this girl, who basically has everything that I want in a girl. She is smart, pretty, kind of quirky, and liked me back as well.

 

The problem is, I learned later about her self-image issues, where her close friends had poked fun at her weight when she was younger (as an example). She is complicated, no doubt, but I saw the best version of her when I met her and I loved it. I properly asked her out for a date after we met, and she was open to the idea, but simply wasn't ready for it as she was still battling her self-image problems. Her posts on facebook have echoed these sentiments too, so it's not a lie.

 

During the last little while, I have kept in touch with her and attempted to see her a few times, but it seems she is not ready yet. She would ignore most of my texts until I give the slightest hint that I may just give up on her altogether, at which point she rescues the situation by saying she has simply been busy with working.

 

Now, here is the interesting twist - despite her self-image problems, I know that she is also quite sexually confident (through her actions, and not her clothes- as she showed when we met), which seems like a contradiction. She is rather closed-off emotionally right now and it has been difficult to have a conversation with her. Small caveat: my friend found her profile on an online dating app recently, where she just joined. I think it's her way of finding her self-esteem back through attention from many guys, and honestly I don't think much of it. However, I am very interested to understand what my next move should be. Very complicated, but I am very much interested in her and want to do what I can to make it happen.

[Happy Lemming]

Whatever her self-image problems may or may not be, she doesn't want to go out with you. You asked her out and she declined. Who knows if she will change her mind or not.

 

I have no idea why she "rescues" the communication with you (maybe its a game to her), but if she wanted to date you, she'd tell you.

 

Whatever reason she had for joining the On-line Dating service is her business. She may be ready to attempt to date someone, just not you.

 

Move on and attempt to find a woman that actually wants to go out with you.

[Jj66]

Stop stringing yourself along. She doesn't want to date you.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I have quite the interesting story.

 

I literally gave up on dating for 3 years and focused on my career and passions. Even though I had opportunities to enter relationships with quite a few other women during this period and the signs during the dates were very clear, I was not interested in them. But, a few months ago, I met this girl, who basically has everything that I want in a girl. She is smart, pretty, kind of quirky, and liked me back as well.

 

The problem is, I learned later about her self-image issues, where her close friends had poked fun at her weight when she was younger (as an example). She is complicated, no doubt, but I saw the best version of her when I met her and I loved it. I properly asked her out for a date after we met, and she was open to the idea, but simply wasn't ready for it as she was still battling her self-image problems. Her posts on facebook have echoed these sentiments too, so it's not a lie.

 

During the last little while, I have kept in touch with her and attempted to see her a few times, but it seems she is not ready yet. She would ignore most of my texts until I give the slightest hint that I may just give up on her altogether, at which point she rescues the situation by saying she has simply been busy with working.

 

Now, here is the interesting twist - despite her self-image problems, I know that she is also quite sexually confident (through her actions, and not her clothes- as she showed when we met), which seems like a contradiction. She is rather closed-off emotionally right now and it has been difficult to have a conversation with her. Small caveat: my friend found her profile on an online dating app recently, where she just joined. I think it's her way of finding her self-esteem back through attention from many guys, and honestly I don't think much of it. However, I am very interested to understand what my next move should be. Very complicated, but I am very much interested in her and want to do what I can to make it happen.

 

All excuses, not self image issues. I have had guys come up w/interesting things to get away w/treating me badly (ignoring, not spending time w/me etc), eventually I learned they just weren't interested. Don't make excuses for her or feel sorry for her, move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, she is not interested.

 

Don't bother trying to speculate or assume you know why she's on a dating site but turned down a date with you. Her actions speak for themselves.

 

You'd be wise to let this one go.

[Chilli]

Sorry op but l go with the rest.

And needing attention for her image issues is a pretty self centered pathetic excuse tbh , she could have that from you if she wanted it.

And really , she's not gonna join a date site for whatever reason , straight after you've asked her out if she was that interested.

[Carlotte]

She may talk to you because it makes her fell desirable and attractive. Try to ask her again, if she will reject you again then I am aftaid she may just not be interested.

[snowboy91]

She may talk to you because it makes her fell desirable and attractive.

 

I agree with this. She might be enjoying the ego boost. Also, from your perspective, do you want to be with someone who is unsure about you?

[EveningEmbers]

Sorry op but l go with the rest.

And needing attention for her image issues is a pretty self centered pathetic excuse tbh , she could have that from you if she wanted it.

And really , she's not gonna join a date site for whatever reason , straight after you've asked her out if she was that interested.

 

She's not like most ordinary girls. She joined the dating site many weeks after I first asked her out.

 

Also, she has always been closed-off emotionally from day 1. In fact, it was quite difficult to get her out initially as well, but I managed to convince her and she had a blast because of it. Even so, she never talks about herself, never asks personal questions, but was super interested during our time together. Everything from her body language to the way she looked at me, to how she initiated a kiss, etc. When I asked her out again, this girl pretty much told me that she needed to work on herself first before she is ready to date, and to ask her again a little down the road.

 

A part of me doesn't really want a girl who is this complex, but another part of me is intrigued by her. She seems like a genuinely good girl who has some serious issues right now. I can't fix them, obviously. I also think nothing of the dating site because it will help her find herself with greater confidence, and she can dish out all her games on these other guys while she does so.

 

Bottom line - I really like this girl and I am still convinced that she is interested. If anything, her strange actions is her way of saying - I am not worth it, and I can't picture myself in a relationship right now. All her posts on Facebook are about the past, regret, etc. We are talking about a girl who does not even like how she looks in photographs, and so, almost never posts them.

 

That's the frustration for me.

Edited February 5, 2018 by EveningEmbers

[Aiuta le mani]

Hey man! Thanks for sharing here! It seems to me like you really like this girl and what to exhaust every possibility before letting go! Is it possible that you are seeing things in her that are not there? How much more time and effort are you willing to give this girl? That is your personal decision brother but it might be hard to you to know if you should give up! Have you had the chance to talk about this with someone that you trust? An objective third person might be able to give you some perspective. Despite of what many people might think, you could approach this from a different angle and be a friend for a while before trying to ask her out again but be honest about your intentions and expectations all the time so you can avoid being friend-zoned! Try again and make a decision and keep moving forward!

[Gaeta]

So after a 3 year break from dating you pick to shed all of your attention on a woman that has self-image problems, that rejected you multiple times, and that has an online profile selling her sexual prowess.

 

You sure you're ready to date again!

[Imajerk17]

She's not like most ordinary girls. She joined the dating site many weeks after I first asked her out.

 

Also, she has always been closed-off emotionally from day 1. In fact, it was quite difficult to get her out initially as well, but I managed to convince her and she had a blast because of it. Even so, she never talks about herself, never asks personal questions, but was super interested during our time together. Everything from her body language to the way she looked at me, to how she initiated a kiss, etc. When I asked her out again, this girl pretty much told me that she needed to work on herself first before she is ready to date, and to ask her again a little down the road.

 

A part of me doesn't really want a girl who is this complex, but another part of me is intrigued by her. She seems like a genuinely good girl who has some serious issues right now. I can't fix them, obviously. I also think nothing of the dating site because it will help her find herself with greater confidence, and she can dish out all her games on these other guys while she does so.

 

Bottom line - I really like this girl and I am still convinced that she is interested. If anything, her strange actions is her way of saying - I am not worth it, and I can't picture myself in a relationship right now. All her posts on Facebook are about the past, regret, etc. We are talking about a girl who does not even like how she looks in photographs, and so, almost never posts them.

 

That's the frustration for me.

 

But if this woman is truly such a unique and special snowflake, then why did you bother asking our advice in the first place

 

There hardly seems to be anything unique about your situation though. Let's recap...

 

--On your first date she hardly asks any questions of you. She then declines a second date with you and gives the "I need to work on myself first" line

--She puts herself on a dating site but YOU CONCLUDED that she doesn't take it seriously/uses it for validation ect (how do you *really* know how she is using these dating sites anyway?).

--She has self-image problems (again not uncommon for women, sad to say).

 

Everything says that this is a woman who just isn't that into you. What is happening here is that you are trying to reason that her (not atypical) personal issues means that she would let you in and fall for you if she only had higher self-esteem. And that just is not so.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Imajerk17

[TheFinalWord]

I have quite the interesting story.

 

I literally gave up on dating for 3 years and focused on my career and passions. Even though I had opportunities to enter relationships with quite a few other women during this period and the signs during the dates were very clear, I was not interested in them. But, a few months ago, I met this girl, who basically has everything that I want in a girl. She is smart, pretty, kind of quirky, and liked me back as well.

 

The problem is, I learned later about her self-image issues, where her close friends had poked fun at her weight when she was younger (as an example). She is complicated, no doubt, but I saw the best version of her when I met her and I loved it. I properly asked her out for a date after we met, and she was open to the idea, but simply wasn't ready for it as she was still battling her self-image problems. Her posts on facebook have echoed these sentiments too, so it's not a lie.

 

During the last little while, I have kept in touch with her and attempted to see her a few times, but it seems she is not ready yet. She would ignore most of my texts until I give the slightest hint that I may just give up on her altogether, at which point she rescues the situation by saying she has simply been busy with working.

 

Now, here is the interesting twist - despite her self-image problems, I know that she is also quite sexually confident (through her actions, and not her clothes- as she showed when we met), which seems like a contradiction. She is rather closed-off emotionally right now and it has been difficult to have a conversation with her. Small caveat: my friend found her profile on an online dating app recently, where she just joined. I think it's her way of finding her self-esteem back through attention from many guys, and honestly I don't think much of it. However, I am very interested to understand what my next move should be. Very complicated, but I am very much interested in her and want to do what I can to make it happen.

 

Unfortunately, she is feeding you a line. Usually women try to reject men and blame it on reasons that are not directly tied to them. The intention is they are trying to be nice, but what happens a lot of times is men perceive this as still having some chance.

 

However, she is turning you down. Your best bet is not to become an orbiter and to move on. You have worked on improving yourself, so you should have many other women you can get to know. Better to spend your time dating women that reciprocate your feelings. Good luck friend!

[smackie9]

akkkkkkk! there are other snowflakes for c^&%$ sakes. You can't force someone to date you.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Unfortunately, she is feeding you a line. Usually women try to reject men and blame it on reasons that are not directly tied to them. The intention is they are trying to be nice, but what happens a lot of times is men perceive this as still having some chance.

 

However, she is turning you down. Your best bet is not to become an orbiter and to move on. You have worked on improving yourself, so you should have many other women you can get to know. Better to spend your time dating women that reciprocate your feelings. Good luck friend!

 

Def! Also don't try and make her feel better, just leaves you at a loss.

[Happy Lemming]

Bottom line - I really like this girl and I am still convinced that she is interested.

 

Women who are interested in me, say "Yes" when I ask them out.

[EveningEmbers]

Hey man! Thanks for sharing here! It seems to me like you really like this girl and what to exhaust every possibility before letting go! Is it possible that you are seeing things in her that are not there? How much more time and effort are you willing to give this girl? That is your personal decision brother but it might be hard to you to know if you should give up! Have you had the chance to talk about this with someone that you trust? An objective third person might be able to give you some perspective. Despite of what many people might think, you could approach this from a different angle and be a friend for a while before trying to ask her out again but be honest about your intentions and expectations all the time so you can avoid being friend-zoned! Try again and make a decision and keep moving forward!

 

Hey, thanks for the thoughts!

 

She is definitely not the only girl that I have come across in the last little while. The other ones were clearly interested in me, but I could not pursue anything with them because I honestly did not feel that they were for me - some were bitter about life, others were lost and had no goals, and yet others were a bit young. I have had the last two girls leave long term relationships after they met me, even though we were not dating.

 

I have definitely asked both my close male and female friends about her, and opinnions differ.

 

My male friend who I consider to be the most experienced with women - he did not need to analyze the little details about her. However, he knew that my way to get her interested is to tell her that I am considering seeing other girls, even though we didn't have much. This makes her value me more and see me in a different light, and echoes my male friend's own experiences from the past. Yet, he also gave up on complicated, dramatic women like her many years ago, and believes that I should do the same.

 

My long-time ex from many years ago, who used to be exactly like this girl that I am interested in (personality-wise) - advised me that I deserve better, and that this girl seems lost right now and I would just be wasting my time with her. My relationship with the ex was from 10 years ago, and I actually never believed that she would ever change or grow into a mature, emotionally-stable woman- but she did, and I am really proud of her. I trust her perspective because she is the one girl who is the most similar to this girl. In fact, I broke up with her so many years ago because I could not handle the emotional drama that she brought with her. I know she is right, yet, I just can't help but feel the way that I do about this new girl. She also believes that this girl will reach out to me when she is ready- if she is actually still interested. But hey, time kills everything too.

 

I find it hard to read this girl, but a lot of little gestures that I have done before have been validated in my favour. For example, she would read but ignore my texts, but when she finally responded, it would be about a date that I am trying to plan. She never said yes or no to the dates, but at the same time, she was curious enough to join the conversation when that topic came up. Another instance - I became noticeably upset at her because I could not easily plan dates with her. When I voiced my feelings, she quickly joined the conversation once again and made an excuse for us not being able to make plans.

 

Yes, I know that many women do this to keep their orbiters around, but everything I have observed is reinforced by her infrequent posts on Facebook about how she missed her past, or how she recounts past accomplishments.. but in a regrettable way since she does not believe that she is as good as she used to be, or as worthy as before. I also know that she used to post on twitter almost daily, but completely stopped doing that shortly before I met her. In a sense, she became closed off to the world.

 

The bottom line is, this girl is not one to give any signs of interest to a guy, especially not at this difficult point in her life. She may or may not be disinterested in me, but I don't want to speculate. I care, but I don't actually care. On the other hand, I like the version of her that I saw in person - a lot, but that's not her normal everyday self...at least not right now.

 

I will say it again. I couldn't care less that she is on an online dating site. Even the way she had written her profile communicates that she is looking more for someone to talk to than for a date, and that she admits to being an oddball herself on the profile. If I look at it another way, even if she is not interested, then she is simply doing me a favour to find herself via her dramatic episodes with guys she will meet on the website. That's fine too.

 

I am stuck in a strange place because I want this girl, but not the way she is now. Heck, I haven't even talked to her for a month, because I wanted to give her space, and to give myself some sanity.

 

Yet, like many of you say, perhaps she is not interested. My gut feeling says otherwise though. Either way, maybe the time isn't now. I am confused because I don't actually know what I am best to do at this point. I have been meeting other women for dates via speed dating, online dating, and my regular hobbies since I first met her, but so far none that I have been interested in... not like with this girl.

 

*******

The short version - I want this girl a lot, but even I don't believe that things will end well if we indeed got together right now. With the exception of the date I had with her- in which I saw and loved the best version of her - she reminds me too much of the worst version of my ex from many years ago. I want the emotionally-stable version of her, which may not happen for a while. However, I know that if I let things die without communication, then nothing would ever happen between us - not now, not ever.

 

P.S.: I am not convinced that she is disinterested. I am more convinced that she tries so hard to not let the world know that she is vulnerable or weak, and in the process, closes herself off to people that want to be more intimate with her.

*******

[winny]

She's not like most ordinary girls. She joined the dating site many weeks after I first asked her out.

 

Also, she has always been closed-off emotionally from day 1. In fact, it was quite difficult to get her out initially as well, but I managed to convince her and she had a blast because of it. Even so, she never talks about herself, never asks personal questions, but was super interested during our time together. Everything from her body language to the way she looked at me, to how she initiated a kiss, etc. When I asked her out again, this girl pretty much told me that she needed to work on herself first before she is ready to date, and to ask her again a little down the road.

 

A part of me doesn't really want a girl who is this complex, but another part of me is intrigued by her. She seems like a genuinely good girl who has some serious issues right now. I can't fix them, obviously. I also think nothing of the dating site because it will help her find herself with greater confidence, and she can dish out all her games on these other guys while she does so.

 

Bottom line - I really like this girl and I am still convinced that she is interested. If anything, her strange actions is her way of saying - I am not worth it, and I can't picture myself in a relationship right now. All her posts on Facebook are about the past, regret, etc. We are talking about a girl who does not even like how she looks in photographs, and so, almost never posts them.

 

That's the frustration for me.

 

I am sorry, but your dumbness frustrates me.

Stop building inside your mind the image of a girl who is so traumatized by life that she is unable to cope up and only you can save her by dating her.

It's all in your head and maybe completely opposite of the actual situation.

I call BS on the self image issues.

 

Move on and find a girl who has no "self image" issues.

[EveningEmbers]

Unfortunately, she is feeding you a line. Usually women try to reject men and blame it on reasons that are not directly tied to them. The intention is they are trying to be nice, but what happens a lot of times is men perceive this as still having some chance.

 

However, she is turning you down. Your best bet is not to become an orbiter and to move on. You have worked on improving yourself, so you should have many other women you can get to know. Better to spend your time dating women that reciprocate your feelings. Good luck friend!

 

I do have other women, including my own orbiters, but none that I have been interested in.

 

I'd hate to think that I am in love with drama. Honestly, I am not. It takes a certain level of physical attraction and personality for me to be interested, and this girl had that when I first met her.

 

Yes, my best course of action is to find another girl right now and stop hoping for something with her. Maybe she might become the best version of her that I saw and loved in person - just not now, or maybe never. I may never know I guess.

 

Thank you for sharing!

[ExpatInItaly]

My male friend who I consider to be the most experienced with women - he did not need to analyze the little details about her. However, he knew that my way to get her interested is to tell her that I am considering seeing other girls, even though we didn't have much. This makes her value me more and see me in a different light, and echoes my male friend's own experiences from the past. Yet, he also gave up on complicated, dramatic women like her many years ago, and believes that I should do the same.

 

No. Just no. If a woman is disinterested, telling her you are going to date others will make her think, "Good, now I don't feel so guilty for turning him down." Unless she is playing attention games with you to stroke her own ego (which I think is likely) she won't care if you go out with someone else. Listen to your friend when he says you should give up on dramatic women - it obviously didn't work out for him, either.

 

Not once in my life have I repeatedly said "no" to a guy I really like, OP. You're over-complicating this, too, and looking for any sign that she's actually into you. I get that rejection hurts, but she is clearly still looking for someone else if she's on a dating side, man.

[Aiuta le mani]

Based on your response, I stick to my last original sentence: Be a friend for now and give her some space! It seems like you are already doing it! If she is interested and you are still around, she will reach out! Keep checking with your friends and listen to their advice!

[Miss Spider]

Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to be desperate(in that you have no other options) to get oneitis. You just need to be susceptible to the condition. I am not 100% sure what the risk factors are, but I think there is a strong genetic factor. I am 95% sure you are wasting your time chasing after this girl though. So I hope it passes soon and you meet someone else nice

[EveningEmbers]

Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to be desperate(in that you have no other options) to get oneitis. You just need to be susceptible to the condition. I am not 100% sure what the risk factors are, but I think there is a strong genetic factor. I am 95% sure you are wasting your time chasing after this girl though. So I hope it passes soon and you meet someone else nice

 

I don't actually understand the reasons that the events played out the way that they did, but she is a very complex girl. There are photos of her with each of her exes on Instagram, despite her no longer talking to them. It is more than a bit odd - it's as though she cherishes the time with them, and leaves the photos around as proof that she is desirable/wanted/loved. Anyway, speculation is just that.

 

My friend, if you know of the idea of oneitis, then I am positive that you have wisdom to spare, and I would do well to listen. I like this girl, but I can't get involved in her games. Meanwhile, my ex from 10 years ago has been really supportive, and grew up to be an interesting, funny, and confident woman. I adore the ex, even though neither of us are thinking about getting back together. As for the girl I am infatuated with - I have not talked to her for more than a month now.

 

One of my friends still advocates for calling this girl (something I haven't done yet) and seeing where things lead. Honestly, I can't see her reaction turning from stone-cold to being the sweetest girl ever. I can't convince myself to call her, because I don't want the possibility of having my feelings trampled over and sinking deeper.

 

Valentine's day is just around the corner. I am not afraid to spend it alone, but I still wish things had played out with her.

[EveningEmbers]

Based on your response, I stick to my last original sentence: Be a friend for now and give her some space! It seems like you are already doing it! If she is interested and you are still around, she will reach out! Keep checking with your friends and listen to their advice!

 

Thank you so much for your continued support!

 

I can't actually be her friend because she refuses to initiate conversations and (often) ignores my messages.

 

However, she has not deleted me from social media either, so go figure...

 

I met a girl from a speed dating event recently and she seems to like me and suggested plans to meet again for a second date this week. I haven't found myself attracted to her yet, and also don't want to lead her on (I know that it sucks), but maybe this is what I need right now.

 

Focusing on my passions helped me meet the girl who I liked but is closed-off. Maybe I just need to try again and approach it differently and see if I can meet another girl I like just as much. Honestly, the recipe works very well to gain their interest and attraction in me (at least initially), but I haven't lucked out yet/played my cards right yet.

[Sara1989]

I think the fact this girl does not want you if the reason you have idolised her so much.

 

I don't think you actually want an relationship as you are rejecting the women who actually want to pursue something with you.