Trying to not be insecure but an Ex keeps coming up in convo..

[Streetcarp]

So, I haven't said anything or let her know its making me go "Hmmmm.." but here is the story and hopefully some one can direct me in what to do or if I'm being insecure..

(Backstory, both of us mid-30's, together 4 years, living together 2 years.)

 

Around 6 months ago a fella friended her on FB and added a comment to a picture she had posted.

The comment was basically a "Hey, how have you been" then a follow up comment suggesting drinks to catch up.

She was very "meh" in her responses. His last comment was asking her to accept his request on messenger so they could set something up.

 

Admittedly, I like to do a little FB-stalking/recon when dudes hit her up on social media. Plus we have a mutual friend who knew her years ago before we met.

I basically pieced together this dude link to her. To sum it up they hooked-up/****ed in their early 20's (around 12 years ago.

 

Not gonna lie, a month later I took a peep at her FB messenger and saw his message was unread. Doesnt mean they werent talking some how but I was like "cool, she curved this dude."

 

Cut to the last month..

First she mentioned taking her girl-friend to a local dive bar cause a friend was having a birthday party and she wanted to try to hook her up with the birthday guy. She said tho "I bet her wont like her. I asked him if he liked bigger girls and he said he only likes skinny girls. I dont why hes so picky, hes a big fat dude with a face like a baby."

 

Bingo...I knew exactly who she was talking about right then in their. I saw his photo/FB profile, hes a big fat guy with a kid face.

This immediately tells me theyve been talking.

 

Week or so later, we are discussing a childhood guy friend she has thats having problems in his life. She tells me how she was recently talking to a friend about this same guy. (Clearly its the guy on FB, he was roommates with this friend when she was seeing him) Later in the convo she mentions how once she dated this guys roomate and he wasnt happy about it.(As I said..I knew this already, its the FB guy)

 

So, about 3 weeks go by and we go to her phone company so she can get a new phone. After leaving she post om FB about selling her old phone. He replies with questions cause he is an ex-employee of that company and has questions about her contract she made, she responds with a 'message me'

Over the next week shes talking about her phone and freebies they through in and what this guy has said about her contract and such. She then tells me the story about how he was recently fired from that company..twice. She adds in another 'down playing' as I see comment saying how working at a cell phone dealer at his age is funny, how its a job for a teen and he must be broke.

 

Few days later shes singing this annoying song about cats she saw on Facebook. She post it on FB a day or too later on how its so cute and she loves it. A few commemts into the post this guy comments "Your Welcome" Basically this means "Your welcome I sent you this song the other day" Again, clearly they arw chatting and hes sending her cute little funny links.

 

Then today. Discussing how she locked her keys on her car yesterday and had to have her father bring her her keys she says "I was tempted to call my friend who drives for LYFT. Hes the one who lost his job at Verizon"

She going into saying how he tells her how he makes $60 bucks a day some times and how she thinks its laughable, wondering how he pays his bills, how he must have roomates cause no man can live on that per day. Again, seema like downplay to me. Then she says "I mean, he will FB message me at like 3am saying 'I made $50!'.

She says "I dont answer them of course at 3am but I see them when I get up and I'm like 'uhhh..ok'

 

Lastly, of course since hes popped up 6 months ago he is an insta-liker/commenter on all her social media post. This is the clear Thirst action you see dudes do.

 

 

Now, I know this problably all sounds harmless, and it most likely is 99.9%.

But..

Perhaps, Im old fashion but I always get a little internally defensive. Like, contact with men ESPECIALLY Ex's should be HIGHLY limited. Its almost a 'respect' type thing to me. I dont know, maybe I dont 'get it' I dont converse with women via social media. I dont have a couple Exs I still chat with or women with a crush that text me.

 

Which leads to me mentioning...this isnt the first instance of this happening between us..

 

When we met and our first year dating one of her best friends Ex-BF and her constantly talked, daily. This guy admitted to her even he was in love with her. Eventually after a year or so I expressed my concern with them talking so much and it finally stopped..

 

Then..a guy she dated in HS contacted her and they chatted a bunch. He was married, sending her pics of his kids and suggesting they hang out. Again, she expressed how it was harmless and they were friends but I told her regardless it didnt seem right, a married man with a baby contacting her so much. She was basically at a loss for words when I said "Does his wife know you guys talk? How would she feel?" And...then them talking ended.

 

Another Ex/Dude she slept with in her early 20's popped up next. She talked about him a little, especially how mean he was to her when they were younger. I warned her he seemed like a scrum-bag, she didnt listen, kept chatting with him. Once (but didnt go) telling me (not asking) how she was gonna hang out with him at the end of the month. She never did...and eventually figured out he was chatting her and acting friendly cause he was trying to get her to buy solar panels! Hahaha!

 

Then before this recently guy happened another guy she dated/****buddied in her mid-20's popped up via social nedia. Married and in the Army they snap-chatted/text/FB messaged CONSTANTLY and she chatted about him a bunch. I bit my tongue till he put a comment on her FB profile pic saying "Super CUTE!"

I said again "Little wierd a married Ex and you are chatting so much. Way you talk about him and you guys chat I would think you had a crush!" She shrugged it off on how he was just a nice guy, and since he was over seas he was lonely and just needed people to talk too.

Like clockwork...their contact lessened once I spoke up.

 

 

I feel like here we are again..another ex, another dude she slept with 10+ years ago, another dude with a crush..

I dont wanna do what I have to do everytime and go "Yo, this seems 'not cool'.

I feel it makes me look insecure. I dont wanna mate guard. I wanna have a DGAF attitude.

 

So, what do ya guys think?

[todreaminblue]

in my opinion from what you have written, it feels like she is playing games trying to make you jealous and she gets the desired reaction from you she seeks...... so contact lessens after you react..and the another guy will pop up...sounds like a regular thing ....maybe a need for validation of your desire for her.......i could be wrong ...but it seems like that...does she get bored easily...or like drama?......deb

[justwhoiam]

First she mentioned taking her girl-friend to a local dive bar cause a friend was having a birthday party and she wanted to try to hook her up with the birthday guy. She said tho "I bet her wont like her. I asked him if he liked bigger girls and he said he only likes skinny girls. I dont why hes so picky, hes a big fat dude with a face like a baby."

This whole paragraph is confusing. So: this guy she was talking to had his bday coming, and she decided to go there, take her friend to introduce her to him to see if they could hook up or something?

I don't understand your position here. Why she never name names? And why are you OK with her never naming names? It's like you keep yourself on the margins of her life. Why? Why didn't it cross your mind to ask why she didn't bring you to the bday party? It's like she's leading a life of her own. If you let this happen, don't be surprised at the consequences.

There's also no mention about you asking her how it went. Unless the bday hasn't happened yet, or she decided not to go.

 

Few days later shes singing this annoying song about cats she saw on Facebook. She post it on FB a day or too later on how its so cute and she loves it. A few commemts into the post this guy comments "Your Welcome" Basically this means "Your welcome I sent you this song the other day" Again, clearly they arw chatting and hes sending her cute little funny links.

Have you ever heard the saying "Still waters run deep"? Well, this seems to sum up the situation. 6 months of bugging her, and she ended up "amused".

 

If you don't mind me asking:

1. Do you laugh together?

2. Do you go out with friends? Do you have a circle of friends you see regularly?

3. Are you two open to new things and new friendships?

4. Do you ever arrange anything special for you two during the weekend or at night?

5. How's your sex life with her?

 

she says "I was tempted to call my friend who drives for LYFT. Hes the one who lost his job at Verizon"

What was your reaction to that? I would have least said something: Oh, so you have his phone number? Or: Wouldn't you feel like leading the guy on? He seems to have an interest in you.

 

One thing for sure: by acting cool and as if she was your friend, you're not doing yourself a favor. Unless you're ok with something possibly happening. She doesn't keep this online conversations just virtual, but they step into her real life at some point.

 

I dont wanna do what I have to do everytime and go "Yo, this seems 'not cool'.

I feel it makes me look insecure.

I totally understand that.

 

I wanna have a DGAF attitude.

Well, maybe that will play against you in the long run.

 

So, what do ya guys think?

Raise her interest. It sounds as if your relationship is running flat. Social media are taking up her time. Surprise her. Take her away from social media (so that she has less time to devote to it).

[MsJayne]

I don't think the problem is that she's not trustworthy, it sounds more like she needs to interact with the important people in her life instead of encouraging empty, meaningless friendships with social media nerds. I had a similar issue with my partner. He was addicted to Facebook, in particular communicating way too regularly with a woman who lived on the other side of the world who was giving him, (very bad), relationship advice which was causing arguments between us! I actually began to despise this woman and I didn't even know her! It actually took breaking up before he realised how angry I was at him for giving social media pea-brains the time of day.

Just my opinion, but I have a theory that people who use social media to encourage meaningless associations with strangers or insignificant people from their past are just really socially insecure and desperate to appear popular. I would be telling your GF in no uncertain terms that she needs to stop encouraging communications from losers. Also, just a bit of extra here....so, she thinks the 'phone guy is fat with a baby face, and she's planning to try and set him up with a tubby girl, (even though she knows he prefers skinny girls), .......sorry, but she actually sounds like a bit of a pea-brain herself. Just sayin'

[Maggie4]

She has only a finite number of ex's. You already got rid of a bunch. So here's another one. Just pick him off too and continue your relationship. Be nice to her, don't get upset or blame her. Just tell her what would make you happy. This baby face guy hasn't got a chance. Sound like he's nothing to her. And then if new ex's appear, just keep getting rid of them. No big deal (Try to do it early on, instead of stalking much and meanwhile getting yourself upset). How many more can there be?

[Streetcarp]

This whole paragraph is confusing. So: this guy she was talking to had his bday coming, and she decided to go there, take her friend to introduce her to him to see if they could hook up or something?

I don't understand your position here. Why she never name names? And why are you OK with her never naming names? It's like you keep yourself on the margins of her life. Why? Why didn't it cross your mind to ask why she didn't bring you to the bday party? It's like she's leading a life of her own. If you let this happen, don't be surprised at the consequences.

There's also no mention about you asking her how it went. Unless the bday hasn't happened yet, or she decided not to go.[/Quote]

 

I was getting ready for work when this came up. It was around 2pm on a Sat. She just through it out their randomly about going that night. Didnt name names but I knew who it was via the description (and I check the bars Instagram account the next day and saw him in a photo) She never went that night and instead stayed home.

 

If you don't mind me asking:

1. Do you laugh together?

2. Do you go out with friends? Do you have a circle of friends you see regularly?

3. Are you two open to new things and new friendships?

4. Do you ever arrange anything special for you two during the weekend or at night?

5. How's your sex life with her?

[/Quote]

 

We laugh together CONSTANTLY. We dont have a circle of friends really. We both work A LOT. We spend usually every moment we are off with one another. We usually go out to eat 2 to 3 times a week and out for drinks one weekend night. We are are both kinda 'going out' anti-social but are pretty much each others best friend.

Sex is kinda tricky..

It was once, maybe twice a week up till around Dec. In December I confessed I found it mediocre and was getting bored cause she only will do missionary. After that argument she still wasnt open to trying new things but instead has increased frequency to 3 or 4 times a week and actually initiating.

 

What was your reaction to that? I would have least said something: Oh, so you have his phone number? Or: Wouldn't you feel like leading the guy on? He seems to have an interest in you.

 

One thing for sure: by acting cool and as if she was your friend, you're not doing yourself a favor. Unless you're ok with something possibly happening. She doesn't keep this online conversations just virtual, but they step into her real life at some point.

 

I totally understand that.

 

Well, maybe that will play against you in the long run.

 

Raise her interest. It sounds as if your relationship is running flat. Social media are taking up her time. Surprise her. Take her away from social media (so that she has less time to devote to it).

 

I have no reactions. I just usually "Uh, huh" and such.

Its a bit of me being insecure and a bit of me thinking why the heck would she entertain these fools when she has me.

I'm rather tall, go to the gyn, have a great job etc.. and before her dated models. I actually left a model to be with her and had people questioning me like "Her?!" But I think shes gorgeous. Very mousey and 'unique' looking.

When we had the talk about sex she was in hysterics telling me how I am the best most succesful man shes ever been with and how I'm the best lover shes ever had, how I was the first to make her cum even. Saying how if I ever left her she would want to be alone forever cause she would never be attracted to another man or satisfied. She has said these things are whole relstionship. Telling me I will leave her when I figure out how much better I could do or telling me I will cheat one day cause shes frigid in bed.

Some times I call her a 'smooth talker' cause she says these things but I have issues believing it.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe it's time you meet this guy. If he is JUST a friend and there's nothing going on then there should be no problems with you all going out to dinner together, right?

 

Rule of thumb, ex's are ex's for a reason. Unless children are involved there's no real reason to get back in touch years later and rekindle friendships. It's ego based and selfish.

 

She doesn't seem to understand boundaries nor your feelings about past issues with ex's. She isn't learning from her mistakes!

[Streetcarp]

Maybe it's time you meet this guy. If he is JUST a friend and there's nothing going on then there should be no problems with you all going out to dinner together, right?

 

Rule of thumb, ex's are ex's for a reason. Unless children are involved there's no real reason to get back in touch years later and rekindle friendships. It's ego based and selfish.

 

She doesn't seem to understand boundaries nor your feelings about past issues with ex's. She isn't learning from her mistakes!

 

I've never asked to meet this guy (or any of the others) cause shes never progressed to hanging out with them. Its only ever been via text/social media chat.

Her two times shes said she was going to hang out with this guy, or the other one I mentioned that happened before, she didnt end up going.

 

She also doesn't count any of these guys as ex's.

She has guys she talked to and have slept with who she doesnt count as Ex's and guys shes officially 'dated'

Her prior LTR's/actual guys she counts as Ex-boyfriends have not been one of the contacts.

 

And she also doesnt count any of these things as mistakes. Anyone Ive brought up, that has led to her not talking to them anymore had her telling me I was wrong, they are just friends, I'm being insecure.

She sees zero fault in anything or anyone.

[justwhoiam]

I see trouble.

 

You saying sex with her is mediocre + she telling you you're the best at sex and then saying she's frigid in bed (aka she doesn't feel anything) + her speculating you'll be cheating on her + just spending time with each other = possible trouble in sight.

 

The man's look could have little to do with anything. So don't count on how ugly he looks. It means nothing.

 

If I were you, I'd do something ASAP. You need to see people. You can't just spend time alone with her and that's your only little world. Of course she will want to do things outside the couple. It's just normal and human.

[heavenonearth]

I feel there are a few issues here.

 

 

First: you two need to build a circle of friends. Together. Couple friends. That you can hang out with and have fun nights with.

Additionally, meet each other’s friends. Hang out with them. Have dinner parties or go for drinks with new people together.

 

Second: you say sex with her is mediocre. As a woman, she will sense this. The Facebook guys - they are just there for validation. She is seeking reassurance that you cannot give her. If you want to stay in this relationship, you two need to find a way to both find sex not just enjoyable, but for it to be the best sex both of you ever had.

Otherwise, what’s the point?

 

Third: you are each other’s best friends? That’s not good.... you should be a couple in love. Do you love her!? Does she love you?

I feel perhaps it’s best to try out something completely new together. Something neither of you have ever done. Like skydiving. Or roller disco. I don’t know.

Something that you can enjoy together and breaks you out of that cohabitation routine you seem to have.

[rickwman]

Have you both shared about your expectations of one another? Have you shared your feelings with her? BF's in the past should stay in the past if she is dedicated to you. She shouldn't be communicating with them unless there's a non-relationship reason.

[Streetcarp]

Op here. Update..

 

So, I'm on my extended weekend off (as I said, I work A LOT)

Day 1 was great, hung out + great sex.

 

Day 2..yesterday..was 'wierd'

She was super loving in the morning and we were having a spectacular time just being cutesy with one another.

Then I brought her coffee on her lunch break..and again something happened.

She gets a buzz on her phone, says she was added to a group chat on Snapchat (I dont use SC, not sure this is a thing?) She acts annoyed about it.

She places her phone down and it goes off again.

I see on her phone notification screen a wierd group (or something) and under the group name it says "From" and its that guys name.

 

So, he added her to this group? Is sending her stuff via the group? I dont know..Im not to keen on how SC works.

 

 

It did kinda ruin my day.

I didnt say anything tho. My mood just changed and I said "Well, I have to be going" and for the rest of the day it was hard for me to laugh, be happy, act cute.

 

 

She kept asking what was wrong but I didnt tell her. Feel like if I say anything I know the out come.

I know she will tell me I'm being insecure.

I have a huge feeling she will either deny they were ever more then friends or will say "Yeah, we dated but that was 15 years ago!"

Or worse, I say something and she just hides it better.

 

Oh well, guess till I see something more concrete I just sit and watch and catalogue everything mentally.

[olivetree]

Op here. Update..

 

So, I'm on my extended weekend off (as I said, I work A LOT)

Day 1 was great, hung out + great sex.

 

Day 2..yesterday..was 'wierd'

She was super loving in the morning and we were having a spectacular time just being cutesy with one another.

Then I brought her coffee on her lunch break..and again something happened.

She gets a buzz on her phone, says she was added to a group chat on Snapchat (I dont use SC, not sure this is a thing?) She acts annoyed about it.

She places her phone down and it goes off again.

I see on her phone notification screen a wierd group (or something) and under the group name it says "From" and its that guys name.

 

So, he added her to this group? Is sending her stuff via the group? I dont know..Im not to keen on how SC works.

 

 

It did kinda ruin my day.

I didnt say anything tho. My mood just changed and I said "Well, I have to be going" and for the rest of the day it was hard for me to laugh, be happy, act cute.

 

 

She kept asking what was wrong but I didnt tell her. Feel like if I say anything I know the out come.

I know she will tell me I'm being insecure.

I have a huge feeling she will either deny they were ever more then friends or will say "Yeah, we dated but that was 15 years ago!"

Or worse, I say something and she just hides it better.

 

Oh well, guess till I see something more concrete I just sit and watch and catalogue everything mentally.

 

Sounds like a pretty terrible way to live.

 

Speak up about your feelings in a non-confrontational way and see if you can reach an understanding / agreed upon boundaries for your relationship as a couple.

 

This is a pattern that keeps happening and nothing is going to change otherwise.