Sm12345 Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 I (36M) went out with a woman (36F) last night, and it was a really nice date. We have mutual associates (I work with two of them and she has them in her classes at school.) The date lasted seven hours (!), we walked around and looked at ice sculptures (I brought us both a hot chocolate which seemed to earn big points..), then we walked around downtown and went for drinks to watch a live band play. The issue I have, is that she smokes occasionally when she drinks. We shared our first kiss last night before and few more throughout the night. She’s very affectionate and has already asked when our next date is (see my last thread for issues with the previous woman’s lack of communication..) I’m a non smoker though, and previously I would’ve said dating (even an occasional) smoker is a deal breaker. She said she’s trying to quit, but we’ve only been out once, so I don’t want to push her away by being judgey. Comments, criticisms, advice?
Jj66 Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 I (36M) went out with a woman (36F) last night, and it was a really nice date. We have mutual associates (I work with two of them and she has them in her classes at school.) The date lasted seven hours (!), we walked around and looked at ice sculptures (I brought us both a hot chocolate which seemed to earn big points..), then we walked around downtown and went for drinks to watch a live band play. The issue I have, is that she smokes occasionally when she drinks. We shared our first kiss last night before and few more throughout the night. She’s very affectionate and has already asked when our next date is (see my last thread for issues with the previous woman’s lack of communication..) I’m a non smoker though, and previously I would’ve said dating (even an occasional) smoker is a deal breaker. She said she’s trying to quit, but we’ve only been out once, so I don’t want to push her away by being judgey. Comments, criticisms, advice? If you lower your standards on smoking in what other ways are you willing to lower your standards in order to be with someone? No judgment. Just something to think about. 2
Purepony Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 Go for a second date then see how it goes... you said she’s trying to quit so that shows she has good intentions 1
heavenonearth Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 I do not think it is a dealbreaker. If she would be a full time smoker, that's a different issue. But an occasional smoker who puffs only when they drink - that's acceptable to me. I smoked for 14 years and quit last year in April. I met my boyfriend in May. He also is an occasional smoker but used to smoke much much more for over two decades. I think when he started dating me, he lowered his cigarette consume quite a lot. A non-smoker usually can have a really good influence on a smoking partner - especially in the early stages of dating. I think simply because the smoker will want to please/assuage the non-smoker's feelings and preferences by not smoking in their presence. My boyfriend still smokes when he goes out with his friends or when he drinks with friends, when I am not around. Sometimes he smokes when I am around, but that's like once every three months. I think I can live with that... given that I get back the most amazing guy ever by my side. Don't write someone off because of a silly habit that literally has no effect on you other than that she may smell like cigarette smoke on occasion. (By the way, my boyfriend knows how much I hate the smell, and he actually has a really big beard, that kind old sea men have, and when he smokes, his beard smells sooo bad - so if he smoked the night before he comes see me, he always makes sure to wash it really thoroughly. I think it's sweet how he makes that effort and I think maybe the girl you are seeing would also make an effort, knowing your preferences. After all, nobody is perfect, and in relationships, we also have to sometimes make compromises. It's a great compromise if it also affects her health positively - right?) 1
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 When I was a smoker I was rejected as such....I totally understood. If I was dating again, I would do the same....turn them down for a date. Deal breaker. Why are you lowering your standards? She may talk about quitting, but most likely will not.
heavenonearth Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 When I was a smoker I was rejected as such....I totally understood. If I was dating again, I would do the same....turn them down for a date. Deal breaker. Why are you lowering your standards? She may talk about quitting, but most likely will not. I think if she is an occasional smoker, chances are quitting will be easier, especially if the two were to fall in love and she wanting to be attractive for him (see my post above)
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 I think if she is an occasional smoker, chances are quitting will be easier, especially if the two were to fall in love and she wanting to be attractive for him (see my post above) I saw your post above....I view it differently. Smoking is disgusting, that is why I had quit in the first place and cannot tolerate it. So it will be up to the OP as to what he can tolerate. 1
heavenonearth Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 I saw your post above....I view it differently. Smoking is disgusting, that is why I had quit in the first place and cannot tolerate it. So it will be up to the OP as to what he can tolerate. Yeah I find it disgusting too, and I would never ever want to smoke another cigarette in my life. But imagine those two are meant to be together, imagine they fall madly in love and will experience a love neither of them has ever felt before -- you really think an occasional cigarette during a night out should be a dealbreaker? That's shallow, IMO. And sad. For both of them...
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 (edited) Quitting because you are in love is for the wrong reason. Once that honeymoon stage is over and you have a fight, guess what's going to happen...they run outside to burn a ciggy. Nothing shallow about not wanting to date a smoker. What it's shallow to not want to date a pot smoker? or a heavy drinker? it's all about preference. Like I said it's up to the OP as to what risk they are will to take....worth it? that is there choice. Edited February 4, 2018 by smackie9
Author Sm12345 Posted February 5, 2018 Author Posted February 5, 2018 I’m going to see her again, because the communication is really good and the attraction is there for me. But I’ve been honest with her that I don’t enjoy kissing an ashtray.
justwhoiam Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 The date lasted seven hours [...] The issue I have, is that she smokes occasionally when she drinks. So if you take drinking out of the equation, you'd have zero smoking? I'm not really sure about that... Also... how was she allowed to smoke in there? You can't smoke in most public places, unless it was a private club? Or did she light a cigarette as soon as you got out? We shared our first kiss last night before and few more throughout the night. Before she smoked her cigarette? How long after you met did she start smoking? And how many cigarettes did she smoke in the time span you were together with her? And I mean "together", that doesn't include time when she went to the bathroom or you couldn't see her. I actually was expecting you to comment on kissing after she smoked, like how you felt, if you liked it or she tasted bad. But you didn't say anything about it. So, how did it feel? Comments, criticisms, advice? You could call her when she has some time to talk (aka not in a hurry), and ask her if she ever attempted to quit smoking. Hopefully, she won't lie about it. Then you tell her, in all honesty (if you haven't yet), that it's the first time you're dating a smoker, as it's always been a dealbreaker for you in the past. Tell her you really enjoyed the time you spent with her, but have mixed feelings about her smoking. See what she says. If she seems willing to stop, offer your help. If the urge to smoke is stronger than her will, she might use varenicline for a few weeks. That might do the trick to help her quit. If she's open to start quitting right away, then you continue the conversation, shifting to other topics. But if she sounds hesitant, then leave it at that, and end the conversation with bye-byes. 1
Author Sm12345 Posted February 5, 2018 Author Posted February 5, 2018 So if you take drinking out of the equation, you'd have zero smoking? I'm not really sure about that... Also... how was she allowed to smoke in there? You can't smoke in most public places, unless it was a private club? Or did she light a cigarette as soon as you got out? Before she smoked her cigarette? How long after you met did she start smoking? And how many cigarettes did she smoke in the time span you were together with her? And I mean "together", that doesn't include time when she went to the bathroom or you couldn't see her. I actually was expecting you to comment on kissing after she smoked, like how you felt, if you liked it or she tasted bad. But you didn't say anything about it. So, how did it feel? You could call her when she has some time to talk (aka not in a hurry), and ask her if she ever attempted to quit smoking. Hopefully, she won't lie about it. Then you tell her, in all honesty (if you haven't yet), that it's the first time you're dating a smoker, as it's always been a dealbreaker for you in the past. Tell her you really enjoyed the time you spent with her, but have mixed feelings about her smoking. See what she says. If she seems willing to stop, offer your help. If the urge to smoke is stronger than her will, she might use varenicline for a few weeks. That might do the trick to help her quit. If she's open to start quitting right away, then you continue the conversation, shifting to other topics. But if she sounds hesitant, then leave it at that, and end the conversation with bye-byes. She smoked outside of the establishment. Obviously. One after about an hour of walking around downtown and then another near the end of the night. I thought it was pretty gross, but I still enjoyed kissing her, so...
justwhoiam Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 One after about an hour Well, I might be wrong on this, but one per hour is typical, and she seems a regular with the habit. She may have restrained herself from smoking her typical rate of cigarettes. My suggestion is still on. But the habit now seems a bit deeper to eradicate that easily.
Simple Logic Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 Tobacco is a drug, alcohol is a drug. Those who are trying to quit any drug relapse when alcohol is involved. I know a lot of people who only smoke when they drink. If you are really into this gal, I would overlook the smoking when alcohol is involved and support her efforts to quit. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 One of my best relationships was with a man who was a smoker when we met and was trying to quit. After our first date, when I told him I'd have a hard time dating a smoker, he quit cold turkey and didn't smoke anymore as long as we were together. I say give her a chance. 3
Author Sm12345 Posted February 5, 2018 Author Posted February 5, 2018 Well, I might be wrong on this, but one per hour is typical, and she seems a regular with the habit. She may have restrained herself from smoking her typical rate of cigarettes. My suggestion is still on. But the habit now seems a bit deeper to eradicate that easily. She said last night she thought it was sweet that I was concerned about her health. She knows I care about her, I walked her to a friends house because she was too tired to bus home (I offered to take a cab and walk home from her place - we live close to each other), but her friend thought it might be better to spend the night. She also said she wouldn’t mind quitting and that it wouldn’t be for me but that it would benefit us too because she knows I don’t normally date smokers (I told her it was usually a deal breaker..)
Author Sm12345 Posted February 5, 2018 Author Posted February 5, 2018 Tobacco is a drug, alcohol is a drug. Those who are trying to quit any drug relapse when alcohol is involved. I know a lot of people who only smoke when they drink. If you are really into this gal, I would overlook the smoking when alcohol is involved and support her efforts to quit. I don’t know if I’m really into her. But I know I like her enough to want to see her again, which is more than I can say for most first dates I go on.
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