aspentree1 Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 I'm just curious as to how to deal with men who talk to much and don't ask questions about you. So this happened to me yesterday twice on the phone, and it happens in person with others too. So for an example they phone and say 'hi how are you? You say good how are you?' then that's it..off they go into an hour long conversation going from one topic to the next mostly about past escapades and what they did as a youngster. There wasn't even a chance to say 'oh really?..or wow that must have been hilarious', or to ask a question. Forget about me trying to tell a story that is similiar in topic. Anyway it seems as though they blow in like a tornado and then abruptly say 'listen I better go, take care, will keep in touch'. End of call. UGH! Is there any LS posters who are currently with someone like this? How did the person start a relationship with you if it's always story after story about themselves. Did/do they ever talk romantically to you? LOL I just don't see how this works. After the call I wrote out the topics just to see how one sided it was. I counted 12 different stories from him, and he ask me two questions..'where abouts do you live' and 'how are you'. but the where abouts do you live never fully got answered because he took over again. Besides the non stop stories he seems like a happy go lucky, helpful guy. He's the acqaintance I wrote about in a different post. Is he self absorbed? Narcissistic? He seems to have a lot of friends. How can people like this have friends? Or are the friends more aggressive and interupt him while he's talking?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 Self-absorbed and self-centered. Next! This behavior will not change. 3
GreenTea937 Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 I've met people like this. Not just men. Its hard to converse with them. How do you know he has a lot of friends? Does he say he does, he might be exaggerating to make himself look good. He seems to have terrible social/communication skills. Also, I see a red flag if he's talking about only his younger days and how much wild fun he had as a youth. What is his life like now? It seems to be all about him. Very conversationally selfish. I would ghost him. If you try explaining to him what you dont like about him, he will turn it around on you or not give you a chance to explain. 1
smackie9 Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 I maybe crossed paths with a few, but I would never date them....total turn off. 1
Happy Lemming Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 I dated a woman who had the greatest stories... I could throw out one word and she would go on for 45 minutes with some great story or experience. I remember I said something about "Log Cabins" and the most fantastic, hilarious story poured out over the next 45 minutes to an hour. IT WAS GREAT!! I was thoroughly entertained!! I didn't mind one bit, but that is me. This guy might be nervous and talks as an outlet. Just a thought. 5
TheFinalWord Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 I dated a woman who had the greatest stories... I could throw out one word and she would go on for 45 minutes with some great story or experience. I remember I said something about "Log Cabins" and the most fantastic, hilarious story poured out over the next 45 minutes to an hour. IT WAS GREAT!! I was thoroughly entertained!! I didn't mind one bit, but that is me. This guy might be nervous and talks as an outlet. Just a thought. LOL So you would just throw out random words to see if she could opine on the topic? That would be amusing.
smackie9 Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 I can see it being ok if their conversation is "entertaining"....sure anyone would enjoy a good story BUT when you want to get to know the person, conversing back an forth is kinda important. When you can't get a word in edgewise, as a woman mostly, you feel shut out, and there is no room to make an emotional connection. 2
Happy Lemming Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 LOL So you would just throw out random words to see if she could opine on the topic? That would be amusing. Yep... and it was never boring. You could throw out anything from "Ferris Wheel" to "root canal" and this wonderful unique fantastic entertaining story would come out. I kid you not!! 1
Miss Spider Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 Is he self absorbed? He seems to have a lot of friends. How can people like this have friends? Or are the friends more aggressive and interupt him while he's talking? It could be all this but I also think it might mean he is really nervous/awkward. I don't think I've encountered one of these before. There's people who ramble.. All talk about themselves and not asking about you at all? Awkward
grays Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 Self-absorbed and self-centered. Next! This behavior will not change. I think it could change. It sounds like this was probably a first phone convo before meeting. It could just be nerves. I talk a lot at times like that and sometimes get off the phone or walk away embarrassed thinking, "omg, I never stopped talking!" Normally I'm not that bad. 2
carhill Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 Is he self absorbed? Narcissistic? He seems to have a lot of friends. How can people like this have friends? Or are the friends more aggressive and interrupt him while he's talking? IDK, hard to armchair diagnose someone over the internet. Plenty of successful guys I know personally are like that and people will gather around as they regale them with stories of their life. Listeners need talkers and talkers need listeners and people who are charismatic and good story tellers usually are well-liked. Usually if you like a person they're witty and have really cool stories and if you don't like them they're selfish, self-absorbed and inconsiderate of or disinterested in others. Those emotion brain chemicals drive the perception. That's how different people can have the same experience and come away with polar opposite opinions. I first encountered such men in the racing world at a young age and watched how their larger than life personalities regaled the crowds. Some were great drivers and others just so so, but the important thing was their personality and how it impacted the crowds. This was back before everything got corporate and sponsored and politically correct when men were being themselves. Now, on the dating front, it's that emotion thing again. If I've taken a lovely lady out on a date and I think she's just the bee's knees, she can talk the night away and I'll just be mesmerized by watching her lips move. That might be a gender difference, IDK. With a man perhaps the sexual attraction thing overwhelms the 'she talks too much and only about herself' thing. Anyway, if it doesn't flow for you, let it go. Plenty of other guys out there. Good luck!
act00 Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 As a first date, or brand new relationship, there might be a lot of talking to make sure there are no air gaps. Maybe he's had issues with dates in the past who can't carry a conversation, so he just yammers away, maybe working on auto-pilot here. I would say that with nerves, I could give a pass the first date, but at some point there has to be 50/50 banter, give and take and interest in you as well, and if by date two or three, there's no banter, time to cut loose. The guy can live his glory days alone. 1
greymatter Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 I had a date in the fall who was like this. It was a first date/last date scenario for me.
Author aspentree1 Posted February 4, 2018 Author Posted February 4, 2018 Thanks for the informative responses. This was our first phone conversation, but I've known him as a work acqaintance (I'm not working there anymore) in the recent past. At work he was the one that would come up to me and talk for a few minutes. Thinking back on his conversations there, he was exactly the same. Lots of stories about him. But in the last few mths I was there I noticed he toned it down and seemed normal. He asked me a couple of questions at the time. This was also the time where I noticed he may be interested in me. So by toning it down I thought maybe he was trying a different approach lol I am a listener and I actually enjoy hearing other peoples stories but the conversation has to be both ways. So he wants to take me for lunch now instead of coffee. He said it would be more quiet and we can talk and catch up etc. He said by doing lunch instead we could spend a longer time together. This was said through a text. The phone call came later in the day. I possibly would have went but now after the phone call I'm not too thrilled. I feel like I will just sit there listening and listening the whole time. I don't know if it's just friends or what. There was no indication otherwise obviously because of talking about himself. If I don't go, what do you say to him to turn him down? I can't tell him the truth that he's too chatty. And I think I created a 'lead him on' situation whether friends or not by spending time on the phone/texts and back in the workplace.
carhill Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 If you do choose to go to lunch, break in with some stories of your own and see what happens. If it's same same and he's not bookending on your stories with questions or soliciting your input on like subjects, I'd call it done. If you choose not to go, the 'Thanks for the invite but I'm not feeling it' kind of line is good enough IMO. He doesn't rate a detailed explanation. Simple, polite and direct, and honest too. 1
act00 Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 I don't think any of this is "lead him on." At the time there was attraction, probably there still is, and you were open to friendship as well. Things change, and you're noticing a lot of one-sidedness, and you're second guessing your original assessment. I would probably go on the date. Maybe push for that coffee instead and if it goes well, progress to lunch, but regardless, a couple hours won't kill you...bore you to near death, maybe. Then you can tell him you don't think it's going to work out, like you would anyone else you didn't connect with. 1
heavenonearth Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 It would bother me if I wouldn't get much to say myself. But everyone is different. Some people are more listeners than talkers, and I have had a lot of dates with guys where I talked a lot and they were rather quiet. I remember when I went on the first few dates with my boyfriend, I was the one talking all the time and he was rather quiet and shy. He soon blossomed and now is his unique true self, blabbermouth beyond belief, when we talk on the phone, he can go on for houuuurs. But that's ok, I am also super chatty so we always have something to talk about, and generally it is quite balanced. It is nice when there is two chatty people. It is also nice when there is one person who is chatty and the other prefers to listen. What is not so nice is when there are two chatty people, of which one is less outgoing and instead more shy.... they may want to communicate but are not able to. That sucks and it's likely an indicator for a BAD MATCH! Chemistry is important. If you don't feel it right away -- you likely never will.
Author aspentree1 Posted February 5, 2018 Author Posted February 5, 2018 Thanks again for all your helpful reponses. Deep down something has been pulling me towards going on this lunch. I don't know what it is but I've decided to go. I think one part of the pull towards this is I've seen him at work with other staff and clients. He goes out of his way to be helpful and seems to have a huge heart. From talking I also know he always helps out his neighbors/friends/family. My problem is reading too much on the net about red flags and now probably analizing every word he says or how he acts. I will still watch but try to relax about it a bit more. It's not going to be the end of the world if it turns out terrible. At least after I can make a better decision about him or have a better indication on the whole situation. I will update next weekend after the lunch. Thanks again:)
justwhoiam Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 I've decided to go. If it gets boring and he doesn't stop talking... start looking at your cell phone, scrolling apps and menus, even texting people, acting uninterested. He will get the hint. If he doesn't want to mess up the date, he will start asking you questions, to stimulate your participation. And things might get back on track. The fear of messing up can work wonders.
act00 Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 If it gets boring and he doesn't stop talking... start looking at your cell phone, scrolling apps and menus, even texting people, acting uninterested. He will get the hint. If he doesn't want to mess up the date, he will start asking you questions, to stimulate your participation. And things might get back on track. The fear of messing up can work wonders. This is rude behavior and game playing. The OP doesn't need to reduce herself to a passive-aggressive clod. 1
justwhoiam Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 This is rude behavior Rude behavior? When someone doesn't even pay attention to you? THAT is rude behavior. If you can't make yourself heard verbally, then communicate with your body. Or would you rather raise your voice at the restaurant? No, thanks. As an alternative, you can stand up and leave. But THAT would be rude too. The OP doesn't need to reduce herself to a passive-aggressive clod. I beg to differ. Being passive-aggressive is something else.
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 aspentree, I, too, think he possibly was just nervous on the phone with you. If you like this guy otherwise, I say to give him time to get comfortable with you. Keep us posted as to how your date goes.
Author aspentree1 Posted February 11, 2018 Author Posted February 11, 2018 (edited) I feel really bad for what I'm about to say about this man. I just want readers to know I'm not writing this stuff to be cruel or mean. I'm just writing my observations about him or the date. So went on the date to a nice restaurant. When we got led to the table by the waiter I noticed he (the date) staring at the people who would be sitting across from us. I thought that was kinda weird. We hadn't sat down yet, and he was just standing there staring at them. I thought maybe he was dissapointed that we were seated too close to others..maybe wanting more privacy? He was dressed very frumpy and looked unkept. (this kills me saying this cause I hate to judge) He wasn't outright rude to the staff...but he never smiled or thanked them for any service they provided to us. He seemed almost annoyed by them (I know, bad sign) Anyways he talked, and talked and talked lol It was basically from birth till the present. Total life story and it took 4.5hrs. It was tolerable and interesting and he did ask at one point tell me about you. I totally drew a blank omg I couldn't even think so I just kind of laughed and again he started talking. I'm pretty sure he didn't want there to be an awkward moment or lapse so that's why he kept talking. He was a very open book and mentioned he had lost his wife yrs ago. Then he almost teared up so he changed the subject. Later he talked about his grandpa..and he started weeping. I didn't even realize at first cause the place was somewhat dark. Then he talked about his past cancer treatments and how he met a young boy who was being treated at the same time. That he grew strengh from seeing how the boy was so strong. Then he started to really cry and couldn't talk. I sat there not knowing what to do but to say it's ok. He said the boy died during the treatment and he has never forgotten him. He said he gets so emotional over things, which led into him saying he use to have anger issues but took a course yrs ago and learned to show and feel his emotions. Then I learned he's almost 70yrs old. He looks like he's late 50's. The crying suddenly reminded me of my father at that age who got emotional very easily but due to meds he was taking. Áfter we were done he suggested getting a coffee somewhere. So I agreed. We sat and he talked about the younger yrs all the crazy stuff as a teen/young adult. He was definitly a badass. At the end of the date he blurted out 'hey do you like movies' I said yes, and then he suggested going to the movies next weekend. So in conclusion: I felt he told me his whole life story and then you move on to the next step whatever that is. Ít's not natural flowing or lets just have fun on the dates. Don't get me wrong he did laugh a lot, but this did not feel like a date at all. And there was no flirting or googly eye stuff lol He did mention he tends to take things slow. Here's where I feel really guilty..when he cried. Omg I love when a guy can cry, but for some reason I felt really different after that..or looked at him differently. Why?? And now the movie thing..I dont even know what to say to him. Edited February 11, 2018 by aspentree1
gone_girl Posted February 11, 2018 Posted February 11, 2018 I end up avoiding people who consistently monopolise conversations. I try to be polite but I can feel my eyes glazing after 2 minutes. I think these monopolisers care more about proving themselves and for attention instead of getting to know you. It's a wonderful feeling when there is mutual interest in that regards.
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 11, 2018 Posted February 11, 2018 aspentree1, so have you been attracted to this man at all? You mentioned he was dressed frumpy and appeared unkempt. Did he dress that way on the job when you used to work together? How much age difference is there between the two of you? It sounds as if he's a nice guy who has had a rough life and maybe doesn't understand how to have a mutual conversation? You mentioned you are a listener. So, idk, maybe you are going to enjoy being friends with him? Or not? For me, I could take having a friend like this but not sure I could spend a lot of time with him or her, whichever. How are you feeling about continuing the friendship?
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