Art_Critic Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Originally posted by DepressedWaiting He claims he hasn't had sex with her in 5 months and "isn't attracted to her". Lie # 1 Originally posted by DepressedWaiting Last time I slapped him in the face again and kicked him between the legs so hard I almost sprained my ankle. you are out of control... Get out now .. he has not had you arrested for DV yet .. but that can happen. Why would you stay in this relationship ?????????
DepressedWaiting Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 All you know about the relationship is what I choose to write here. That is why I stayed in the relationship... there are many things I have not shared here. I do not think he is lying about not having sex with his wife in 5 months... even though that really does sound ridiculous doesn't it? I don't know. I have interrogated the h*ll out of him regarding this issue and yelled at him for literally 3 hours straight (several times now) telling him that all he has to do is admit he has had sex with his wife the past 5 months and that I will then calm down and leave it be. He tells me he cannot admit to it because it's not true and he hasn't had sex with his wife in 5+ months. I then told him I refuse to be lied to and threw him out of my house. He begs me to stop yelling at him and treating him like garbage... I tell him if he wants that to happen then all he needs to admit is "He has had sex with his wife within the past 5 months"... he tells me has not. It would soooooo much easier for him to admit he has had sex with her in the past 5 months then to put up with all the screaming and h*ll from me. You have NO idea. I tell him all he has to do is prove he is not a liar to me and admit "Yes I have had sex with my wife within the past 5 months"... he STILL adamentally denies it. So perhaps it is true? I lied and have him convinced that it would not bother me that he is having sex with his wife... what is bothering me is that he is lying to me about it. He still claims it has been 5+ months.
Art_Critic Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 If you are only going to post half the story then you are only going to get half the right advice.. That in itself is manipulation and we are just trying to help you.. Are you looking for validation that everything is okay in your relationship ? Tell us why you are still in this relationship ?
DepressedWaiting Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 I'm still in this relationship because I have tried walking away but can't. I tried no contact many times for months and the pain only grew worse each day. I'm still in the relationship hoping he won't turn out to be like the rest of them and that he will divorce. I guess I am in denial.... and have finally woken up. But don't you think it would make more sense for him to admit he has had sex with his wife rather than lie about it and cause MAJOR turmoil? It just doesn't make sense to me.... why would he lie about it... it would be so much less stress and headache for him to admit it?
Art_Critic Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Originally posted by DepressedWaiting But don't you think it would make more sense for him to admit he has had sex with his wife rather than lie about it and cause MAJOR turmoil? It just doesn't make sense to me.... why would he lie about it... it would be so much less stress and headache for him to admit it? It would make more sense.. but sometimes people don't work that way. The last major girlfriend I had told me a weird lie as well.. She told me that I was the first person she had ever let cum inside her and she also said I was the first person to ever give her an orgasm while fu**ing. She said she alway's made them pull out or wear a condom.. Jeez she was on birth control. She was 31 and had been married before ( although her marriage only lasted 3 months) but still I called her on these obvious lies ( to me ) several times and alway's was met with that it is the truth. She also said that she had about a dozen lovers in her past.. I could never understand her lie and the guy she is dating today most likely heard the same lie. Sometime people just lie for no reason..
DepressedWaiting Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 I already have him fiqured out... unfortunately I do not think I have suceeded into tricking him into admitting the truth. I have tried and tried to trick him into thinking if only he admits he has had sex with his wife within the past 5 months I will stop hammering him about it constantly. I tried to trick him into thinking what is bothering me is the fect that he is lying to me about it and that everything would be fine if he stopped telling me that obvious lie and just simply admitted it once and for all. I think I failed to fully convinve him of this and he is still telling me what he THINKS I want to hear and that is "no sex with the wife". If he does not admit to it... I am going to tell him he can forget that I exist... I am also telling his wife everything like I already planned to anyway. I REFUSE to have some stupid man tell me an OBVIOUS lie and insult my intelligence. He will NOT get away with treating me like this. ... of course... what if it really is true? I wish I knew!!!
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Ask yourself these questions... 1) Does it really matter? Finding out if he's been having sex with his wife. He obviously doesn't want to discuss that part of his life with you and feels it's not your business. So he's lied to you and told you they don't have sex, or haven't had sex in 5 months. He doesn't want to deal with your jealously and reactions. Was easier for him to tell you what you wanted to hear. 2)IF you continue asking him, be prepared to hear answers you may not want to really know. And even if the answer is what you're waiting to hear - I think you've convinced yourself of what you think anyway, so what he says won't make a difference because you don't trust him. How can anybody truely 100% trust their MM or MW? There is lying and deceiving going on right from the start. It's a relationship but not a healthy or real honest one. I'm sure the feelings are genuine (or were at some point in time, but not anymore.) though. 3)What are you getting out of this relationship with MM? Why are you with him? What does he do other than make you feel like a piece of dog crap? 4)Why do you think so low of yourself? I know you can find someone who will treat you better and love JUST you. 5)Therapy. I haven't read (Or if I did, I missed it) that you're considering talking to someone. Personally, I think you need to as your self esteem is so awful and you're staying with this MM anyway, knowing all the bad s*** that keeps on coming your way, you're putting up with it ... Is it so you won't be alone? Or you feel like nobody else will love you? Or you won't love anybody the way you love him?? You have yourself in a very unhealthy cycle. Really sit and read everyword you've written in this thread. It makes me sad for you that you're trying to convince yourself that he will leave his wife, given enough time. WHY do you want this man in your life? He's poison to you and brought nothing but heartache! Maybe in the past he made your heart beat faster, but now, he's just breaking it!!!! You need to take the blinders off, stop justifying and seeing things one way. Open your eyes, take a HUGE step back and see the full picture. What do you see? Honestly. Listen to your gut. NOT your heart. I REFUSE to have some stupid man tell me an OBVIOUS lie and insult my intelligence. He will NOT get away with treating me like this. Then end it. DO it for you. DO it to stop this sick unhealthy cycle you're in. Do it because you want to be happy! Who gives a s*** how he feels and reacts to you ending it. He isn't going to leave her, ever...So you leave him. Plain and simple, game over.
933KJL Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 No offense to you Depressed, but most people take on another person because there is either something lacking in their relationship, or there is somethign that they do not like that is happening and they use it as an escape. The issue in the relationship is usually not enough--in and of itself--to warrant creaking it off. Hence a OW or OM. Now, if I were looking to escape from something I did not like, or to seek out something I was not getting, I am not sure I would run to a woman who yells at me for three hours straight, slaps me, kicks me in the balls, and spits on me. All the while trying to trick me into something. The only thing I can imagine is that the sex is stellar--but I am not sure when you get to experience that between the three hour triades and the undoubtedly swollen balls from the kick that almost sprained YOUR ankle. You say you are upset over this relationship. Then get out and end it. Trust me with the way you are acting and treating him he would not leave Atilla The Hun. There are plenty of women out there from what I hear that are willing to be a OW without all the drama that you bring to the table. Right now, I am sure he considers you a liability and a threat to what he has--no matter how bad it may be at home. And as for the 5 months, entirely possible. My ex wife lost her libido after our third kid and it never came back. I was lucky to have sex three times a year, and by the time we had divorced--well let's just say that my hand and my dick became VERY close friends.
DepressedWaiting Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Yes, I know I should kick him him to the curb and walk away. I've tried and am trying. I plan on telling his wife everything. He claims the reason for not divorcing is because of my turmoil and that it has pushed him away and that he has had it with my constant turmoil. We cannot get through a single conversation or visit without it turning into a nightmare. He says I am ruining his life. He says if I can make it through 30 days with NO turmoil then he will make a definite decision once and for all. Either he is not going to divorce and we go our seperate ways permanently. Or he is going to divorce and will file for divorce in less than 6 months. He claims this gas gone on too long and he needs to make a serious decision and does not want to tell me ANYTHING until he can make a guaranteed decision. He wants 30 days of no turmoil (to help rebuild the shattered relationship)... the no trumoil started last week... I have already slipped once and screamed at him on the phone for 2 hours. He says he is giving up and why can't I just stop the turmoil for the 30 days he begs. He says the situation is no excuse for my turmoil and that he will have no part of it. Fine, I will give him no turmoil for the remaining 3 weeks... I am dying of curiousty what his decision will be. And once he makes that decision I am going to HOLD him to it . When he said "guaranteed decision"... I will make sure he follows through with the "guaranteed" part. In 3 weeks when he makes his "decision" everything will change drastically one way or the other. He hasn't set a deadline for divorce yet and has never delayed it... if he had already done that to me even ONCE... he would be dead meat. No way am I giving him any sex either.... not a chance in h*ll. He'll be lucky if I let him put his arm around me.
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 WHY are you giving this man so much power over you??????? You still aren't getting what most are saying. Do you think the relationship will be all fine and dandy if he leaves his wife, divorces her and ends up with you?? The dynamic that has been formed between the two of you is unhealthy. There is no respect, no trust, no good feelings. Only distrust, resentment and disrespect! So if in 30 days you prove you can be a "good girl" and "behave" then he'll actually consider making a choice whether or not he wants to be with you????? That's pure bulls***!!!!!!!! I don't understand why you can't see this DW. Why don't YOU take control. Tell him you're sick of feeling like crap, sick of it all and END IT.
933KJL Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Listen to yourself girl. He told you 30 days of no turmoil because you are ruining his life. That seems like a clear communication to me. Aside from renting a billboard, he can't get much clearer. Now you are less than a week into this "NT" period of your "relationship" and you blow it by yelling at him for two hours straight? WTF? Save yourself some time, kick yourself to the curb (from what you have said he does not deserve any more kicking) and end it now. You know you won't be able to make the 21 days remaining, and you also know what his decision will be. More brutal honesty coming up: If he really wanted to leave his marraige and thought you were more than a piece of ass, he would have done it a long time ago. I would say he has the best of both worlds, but from what you say--your side looks like hell to me.
DepressedWaiting Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 He says he does want to be with me... but if I cannot stop this turmoil he will NEVER leave. He says what man would unless they were insane. He wants 30 days of no turmoil and tells me he will make a definite decision then but if I cannot even go 30 days with no turmoil I am not someone he even wants to associate with let alone be with. I can make it the remaining 3 weeks with no turmoil. It will shock the daylights out of him because he does not think I can make it because I have failed at it so many times before. This is the LAST attempt to make things work. No, I have had it... I will make it the 3 weeks. I am dying to know what his decision will be. After these 3 weeks things are going to change one way or the other because I cannot go on like this anymore with this loser putting me in so much pain it has destroyed me. I can't walk away yet... I'm not ready yet. I need to do this first. I am VERY close to a breakthrough one way or the other. Yes I agree, I tell him that all the time... if I was worth more than a whore on the side he would have divorced by now. I am giving him ONE chance to prove that wrong.
933KJL Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 OK I am gonna give up---he is NOT gonna leave is wife. NEVER! He says he wants you and I am sure it is for the sex. Sorry, but that is probably the TRUTH. When you are not getting sex, even bad sex is better than no sex! But trust me, no man in their right mind is going to put up with all of this drama, deceipt, beratement, etc. You are probably one hot mamma inbetween the sheets--most vile tempered women I have run across are. But between the sheets is probably where he wants you to remain. But, you have already said that you are gonna tell his wife everything--not a great way to keep your relationship together for sure. You are evil!
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 I honestly can say, you've not "read" a word I've posted to you. If you did, you'd reply and/or atleast acknowledge what I said. You're stuck. You're frame of mind is unhealthy and you're not thinking clearly at all. What you say here in your thread proves it too. In 3 weeks if you come back saying I'm giving him another month to figure out if he's leaving his wife or not, I'm gonna scream. You have issues, self esteem problems and you need to talk to a professional. No matter what happens, whatever the outcome is, you need help. Good luck staying happy and sane while he's figuring out if he wants to leave his wife for you.
DepressedWaiting Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 whichwayisup, Sorry, I didn't mean to appear to be only hearing what I want to hear. Yes, I know what all of you are saying is 100% the truth and is correct. But no matter how many people tell me that I am stuck in this limbo of h*ll. No, this I can guarantee you 100%... I most certainly will NOT be giving him any longer than 3 weeks to make up his mind. Sept 22 is when his decision will come out. I haven't delayed his decision a single time yet... this will be the first time he makes this serious decision and there will be NO delays. I am not like most OW... sure you have noticed that by now. If he double crosses me and tries to delay this decision... boy oh boy will there be trouble!!! He says he does not want to tell me ANYTHING and refuses to tell me something this serious if he isn't 100% sure because when he does make his decision (whatever that might be)... he wants it to be guaranteed. I really am not evil. I am only re-acting to his unfair bullsh*t and am in so much pain I can hardly breath. I am giving him this ONE chance to make a decision and to prove to me that I am worth more to him than a whore on the side. If what I think is true... "he cannot afford to divorce but can afford to lose me" and that I was only worth havng when I was an easy f*ck on the side... he will wish he was never born.
Art_Critic Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Why not take the power back and make your deadline yesterday ? By obeying his/your deadline you are giving him all the power over your life. You are an adult not a child and deserve to have the power not him. Take it back and show some self respect for yourself. Dump him and never speak or contact him ever again.. In the end you will fell sooooooo much better and you will have your self respect and self esteem back. It's your decision.. Goodluck with it
TXgal Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 Hello all... I'm a new poster here... Just discovered this site last night, and have just been lurking and reading posts... but I had to post when I read this thread... I don't understand why the matter of performing oral sex on your MM, is such a big deal... Maybe someone can clarify? Or maybe I have just been absent minded? LOL... I have been giving my MM BJ's from day one, without second thought. I've been with him for nearly a year... He is very clean, the only times I see him are during the week, when he's at work, and takes off early one day each week to see me for a few hours. I know he showers every morning before work, he's a very clean man, so I've really never given it a second thought. I've been on out of town trips with him on weekends, and of course have never been bothered by performing oral sex because I knew he was clean... I guess it has just never occured to me to think about not performing oral sex? He seems to love it, and I enjoy it as well. It's almost second nature now... He does anything to please me sexually... and suceeds very well... I just like to return the favour... Should I be concerned? *confused*
newbby Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 depressed waiting, just wondering whether you have considered the possibility that he knows damnwell that you will not be able to go one month without any turmoil and it is a convenient way for him to end it and put it on to you. another thing, i have been angry with my mm at times for lying to me but you have to get over that, either decide that you dont like being lied to and get out or decide that you dont mind and be happy with the situation. you cant change anybody else. trying to change somebody else is the ultimate frustration and stress, and you are doing that to yourself. all you are doing is giving yourself stress, that is why you are so angry and depressed. either accept or get out, that is the only decision you can make. you cant punish him for lying when you are hanging around knowing that he is lying! its completely illogical. you are trying to change him and you cannot. the only person you can change is yourself, and you can do alot for yourself. for one thing you can decide that you dont like being lied to (you clearly dont) and stop hanging around the person who is lying to you. he must be pretty terrified to tell you the truth anyway!! most mm are already cowards, this is why they do not face problems head on and lie their way through things so thinking you are going to bash the truth out of him is just crazy. why would you want to tell the wife and punish him for lying? what will that change? will it change the fact that he used you for sex? all it will do is make him even more convinced that he would never want anything more than sex (and not even that) with someone so vindictive. i'm sorry, but it does not make you win. you cannot win this situationbut you can win your life and happiness back again, and one way to do that is to try to be a little more forgiving, how about if somebody attacked you all the time and tried to ruin your life because you chose to be an ow?? forgive yourself for getting into this and get away from him so that you can eventually forgive him too, that way you will win your own happiness back.
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