unfinished words

[avvril3000]

i have words and sentences to say to an ex. not coz i miss him, not because i love him still, not because i care for him anymore, but just because i never got the chance to say anything to him after he ripped my heart out and left me alone to die (or so it felt).

 

After the hurt washed through me, i went numb, and i went quiet. Eventually, deleted him on everything i know, blocked him so he could stop trying to contact me after. You see, when i am hurt, i want to run far far far away. And thats what i did.

 

But i never said any last words or feelings to him.

 

The good and funny thing is that i am now thankful he did it coz i have now met my soulmate, my future and the best man on earth.

 

But the unspoken words / unfinished thoughts and expression of self to him (i guess you could call it closure on my end?) was never done, and it kinda haunts me. i have dreams where i meet him just to say what i need to say.

 

The words i wanna say are that I am happy with what happened and everything makes so much sense now to me. It's all so clear now, and that he really was a terrible boyfriend and i wasn't crazy like he always said, that i actually did deserve such good things and i have it now and he can go to hell and i hope he does. That i know he used me, and i'm might not be so confused and oblivious anymore. etc etc etc. And that i'm not contacting him to be friends or for any response.

 

I'm conflicted if theres any point or if its good closure and healing to do it, to send the email/msg.

 

what do you guys think?

[NopeNah]

I think you just said it here. No need to say it again. Enjoy your new life.

[Young mind]

Oh Closure!, sometimes you never get it, but you have believe that closure you seek will not make you feel better, even if it feels like it will, more so it will not bring him back.

 

My last relationship ended without closure too, she wanted to bring my stuff back and have a coffee, I turned that down, but what exactly do you wish to hear, don't think for a second you will get the answers you seek, you will get only guilty apologies and something of that sort. Not having closure sometimes is for the best, you can proceed with NC with less to think about and you can have your self evaluation independently.

 

Write all you wish on a journal and bury it, true closure comes from within , where you accept your faults and praise yourself for the wonderful things you did in the relationship.

[pinkpaw]

i have words and sentences to say to an ex. not coz i miss him, not because i love him still, not because i care for him anymore, but just because i never got the chance to say anything to him after he ripped my heart out and left me alone to die (or so it felt).

 

After the hurt washed through me, i went numb, and i went quiet. Eventually, deleted him on everything i know, blocked him so he could stop trying to contact me after. You see, when i am hurt, i want to run far far far away. And thats what i did.

 

But i never said any last words or feelings to him.

 

The good and funny thing is that i am now thankful he did it coz i have now met my soulmate, my future and the best man on earth.

 

But the unspoken words / unfinished thoughts and expression of self to him (i guess you could call it closure on my end?) was never done, and it kinda haunts me. i have dreams where i meet him just to say what i need to say.

 

The words i wanna say are that I am happy with what happened and everything makes so much sense now to me. It's all so clear now, and that he really was a terrible boyfriend and i wasn't crazy like he always said, that i actually did deserve such good things and i have it now and he can go to hell and i hope he does. That i know he used me, and i'm might not be so confused and oblivious anymore. etc etc etc. And that i'm not contacting him to be friends or for any response.

 

I'm conflicted if theres any point or if its good closure and healing to do it, to send the email/msg.

 

what do you guys think?

 

I know the more popular thing is going to be: no need to tell him.

 

But I disagree.

I remember 11 years ago, I had the most dysfunctional relationship ever. Like you, I never got to say what I wanted to say, never got to have my 'reaction' as such. I moved on, and about 5 years after the end of that relationship, I was well and truly moved on from him. Zero inclination to ever see or hear from him. But my wounds felt raw - I felt like I had disrespected myself by never sticking up for my old self. It felt like he had activated a 'flight or fight' response when he treated me bad, and what happens when this response is activated and you do nothing about it? Well...to me, it felt like it had never resolved itself. It was inside me, coursing around.

 

I read some stuff online about always giving yourself the right to have a reaction to emotional things that happen to you that is reflective of you loving yourself and reflective of the kinds of standards you would teach your child to have of him/herself.

 

So I composed him a message outlining every horrible thing he did to me, the effect it had on me, and how destructive it was and that I had hoped since then, he had learnt his ways and treats any new woman differently.

I sent it and immediately blocked him after and do you know what? All my wounds healed there and then. I have never ever looked back since, and never have I felt any of that old pain since. It was like I had given my body the right to have the reaction it SHOULD have had in the first place. And I didn't give a flying fig about his response or how he might perceive me, because I knew HE was in the wrong and I deserved to have felt upset and finally - I gave myself the right to the reaction.

 

One of the best things I ever did. That was nearly 5 years ago and not once since have I regretted it.

So...if any of this resonates, I say: go for it. It worked wonders for me!!

[pinkpaw]

Oh Closure!, sometimes you never get it, but you have believe that closure you seek will not make you feel better, even if it feels like it will, more so it will not bring him back.

 

My last relationship ended without closure too, she wanted to bring my stuff back and have a coffee, I turned that down, but what exactly do you wish to hear, don't think for a second you will get the answers you seek, you will get only guilty apologies and something of that sort. Not having closure sometimes is for the best, you can proceed with NC with less to think about and you can have your self evaluation independently.

 

Write all you wish on a journal and bury it, true closure comes from within , where you accept your faults and praise yourself for the wonderful things you did in the relationship.

 

I don't believe this to be entirely true.

You don't necessarily need a response to get closure.

It's like victim impact statements read out loud in court. You don't go in there expecting the criminal to turn around and apologise and you feel better in a heartbeat.

But there's something to be said about the victim of abuse telling the perpetrator - whether by victim impact statement or looking them in the eye - and not getting a response back to validate anything - that can help in empowerment.

 

And from the sounds of it, the OP sounds very much like a victim of abuse.

[avvril3000]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Everybody for sure made some good and valid points that will help me form my decision.

 

It was an emotionally abusive relationship - I’m pretty sure I was envolved with a narcissist. Either way, I know I was treated very badly and it hurt a lot and affected me down to the root of my soul and being and self worth. and still does to this day. Normally the NC would be fine for me because I seriously want nothing to do with him anymore but he haunts me in dreams... like a ghost. He pops up all the time and he doesn’t go away, and it’s where I am telling him all the things I wish I said to him, or want to say to him. And I’m afraid that if I don’t express this to him in reality, these dreams won’t go away.

 

I’m still deciding what to do.

 

There’s a little complication to this story, and that is that he is a very high up figure in the industry I work for. He knows lots of contacts and people and has say and power in things. I do worry that if I express myself fully to him that he will want to get me back by sabotaging my reputation somehow. And yes I would say he is someone who would do that.

 

Either way I’m still deciding.

[pinkpaw]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Everybody for sure made some good and valid points that will help me form my decision.

 

It was an emotionally abusive relationship - I’m pretty sure I was envolved with a narcissist. Either way, I know I was treated very badly and it hurt a lot and affected me down to the root of my soul and being and self worth. and still does to this day. Normally the NC would be fine for me because I seriously want nothing to do with him anymore but he haunts me in dreams... like a ghost. He pops up all the time and he doesn’t go away, and it’s where I am telling him all the things I wish I said to him, or want to say to him. And I’m afraid that if I don’t express this to him in reality, these dreams won’t go away.

 

I’m still deciding what to do.

 

There’s a little complication to this story, and that is that he is a very high up figure in the industry I work for. He knows lots of contacts and people and has say and power in things. I do worry that if I express myself fully to him that he will want to get me back by sabotaging my reputation somehow. And yes I would say he is someone who would do that.

 

Either way I’m still deciding.

 

Hmm, if he is a prolific figure in the workplace, I would think twice.

If he's emotionally and morally bankrupt as you describe - then you have reason to be mindful of repercussions. Thing is though, if he is the emotionally abusive type, chances are other people have cottoned onto his ways and people are smarter than we might think - a dodgy character generally builds a reputation for themselves, even if it is quietly held amongst the audience, but even a top manager who is in some way 'off' will breed a general feeling of mistrust amongst his employees.

 

However, in terms of him being able to pull off stunts on a practical basis that affect YOUR career - that may indeed be something to consider seriously. In this case, you could try other options, like maybe writing out everything you want to say, and have a little symbolic burning ceremony as a way of trying to release your pent-up emotions.

[Maldives]

Ye just do it send it..they cal that unfinished business. I remember for yrs I couldn't cut the thouights or chord wth an ex because of unspoken feelings in my case I was the wrong one and wen I did and told her the truth I was finally able to let go and move on

[d0nnivain]

Closure comes from you, not the other person. If your EX had the ability to communicate in such a way that you got closure, odds are you would not have broken up because the two of you could have fixed whatever was wrong.

 

Take out a pen & paper. Yes, old school. Write out whatever it is you need to say. If you really can't hand write it, use your computer to type it but make sure your internet & email are turned off. Get it all out, stream of consciousness, everything you need to say to get it off your chest.

 

Now fold up the paper (print it out if it's on the computer), put it in an envelope & put the envelope in a drawer for at least a week. Seriously.

 

Next week, take it out & read it. If you are still upset, fold it back up & put it back in the drawer for another week. Keep doing that until the letter reads like the ramblings of a crazy person to you.

 

Now go somewhere safe & start a small controlled fire -- your fireplace, a barbeque, an outside fire pit etc. Take the paper & burn it. Watch the smoke rise & release all the bad crap you have been holding in that you couldn't say to your EX.